I'm back!

Wow, what a busy few days I have had. I keep trying to find some time to sit down and write something about what's been happening, but it seems like I am always busy or tired or out with friends. There's a thread on VJ right now on how to make the time go faster when you're apart from your loved one, and everyone says that keeping busy is the best way to speed things up. I totally agree!

I can't believe it's been four days since I got so upset at how people were treating me on the blog. It seems like ten years ago! I got so fed up with the lies and the way people were treating me like I was an idiot, and I did something really immature, which was go back and delete the comments because I felt like having them sit there on each post was too painful. Instead of ignoring them I lashed out and that was pretty stupid. I've lost the comments forever, which is kind of sad, I guess. Anyway, I had a lot of really great PMs from people through VJ (I won't share anyone's name) encouraging me to keep posting, that it's MY blog and I can do with it what I want, and not to feel bullied by people. Thank you SO much everyone who got in contact, and there were quite a few of you, so I know that I'm not as alone as I thought. What you had to say to me made me feel strong enough to stand up for myself and keep going. So... THANK YOU!!! You know who you are. I was really amazed that you were all willing to identify yourselves to me via VJ as well and I promise you I will not tell anyone (and I mean ANYONE *wink*) who you are.

So... what have I been up to? Well, number one, my allergies are acting up so I feel terrible, and my eyes are so watery sometimes. Thursday was a bit of a blah day. Dana actually sent me an email telling me I shouldn't be so "blatant" about all the wedding websites I was going on, and that it was really clear that I was spending about half my day looking at The Knot and the other half having "overheated conversations" with Julian on the phone. I can't believe how rude she was! I look at The Knot during lunch when I'm at my desk or when I'm on really boring conference calls or whatever, which is HARDLY half the day. And okay, maybe I do talk to Julian on the phone a lot, but we have so much going on right now with buying a house that of course we have to talk often! I mean, if Julian were living in, like, Santa Monica or whatever we would still need to talk frequently. God. I have tried to be better about looking at wedding websites though.

Which reminds me that I am totally drawing a blank on bridesmaids' dresses. I spent a lot of time looking at really expensive ones, and also at really cheap ones and I still couldn't tell the difference. Jen and Jenn sat down with me on Thursday night and we made an executive decision (seeing as they are maid of honor and bridesmaid) and we decided to do something really simple: we're going to go with something from J. Crew, so they actually have a chance of wearing the dresses after. No clue what style, but since it's .J Crew we can take our time. I emailed Stella and Veronique (who had no clue what J. Crew was, but I sent her a link) about my idea and they both seemed happy with the idea. When we decide what to go with, I will post the picture!

Friday, god. A lot of stuff. First, I think I found two houses that totally ticked all my boxes. And yes, one of them I at first rejected because I HATE the downstairs bathroom! I thought about it again and thought how stupid it is, considering I will be having Rachel help me decorate the place anyway. Following Julian's instructions, I won't be giving too much away about these houses, like where they are and exactly what features they have. (He is getting really paranoid, by the way, about when he comes over since people have been saying horrible things on VJ about him getting beat up. I told him not to be so silly, who would want to beat him up? But he actually asked me at one point if I wasn't sure I wanted to just cancel the K1 and file for a UK fiancée visa. He was so sweet and offered to fly my family and friends (within reason) out to London and we could have the reception wherever I wanted but I said no, we were so far along in the Process now we couldn't give up.)

Sorry. Anyway, yeah. Two houses. One is a four bed with two bathrooms (one I hate), a really great open plan space sort of like a huge living room, and a GORGEOUS kitchen with (I couldn't even believe it) an Aga stove like the one J's parents have in their house, except this one was almost new and in a dark red color. There was also an Aga dishwasher and fridge that matched. It was like a sign. Lots of beautiful original wood throughout and a fireplace. Out back there's a big yard that needs a lot of help but a nice pool and even a little pool cabana. Cute. This is number one on my list and it's in a great area.

Number two was five bedrooms and also in a good area. It's a lot newer than number one, but it's also a LOT larger. The bedrooms were huge, and two of them were already set up as studies with built-in shelves and lots of power outlets. The master bedroom had its own bathroom, and it had Victorian-style fixtures. Loved it. I called Julian right away and told him I had seen two possibles and he said that if I could find a third he would come over to start the process. Wow, I felt like I had to get going! It's been almost three months since we've seen each other and it's been so hard to be apart.

And then on Friday night -- and just in case anyone thinks I haven't told Julian this yet, I have -- I went out with Jen and we met up with Sean and Mack at Backstage Bar for karaoke. I wasn't exactly going to say that when I posted on Friday because I just wanted to post quickly about comments, and I was sure I was going to get a TON if I wrote, "Oh hi, I'm meeting Sean tonight." I felt really bad about how I had left it with Sean, I mean, we have been friends for years and our families are so close, so I guess I think I need to make things more normal. I still think he has a crush on me, but that doesn't mean we can't still be friends IF we always hang out in a group. Which is why I had Jen call Mack and ask him to get Sean to come out on Friday, and explained why we needed to meet up.

Anyway, it was great! Sean wasn't weird or creepy or anything, and we were able to laugh and joke and be normal again. Sean and I sang "Can't Stand Me Now" by the Libertines which was pretty hilarious because he is totally tone deaf! Mack and Jen got smashed, but since I was driving and had only had one beer (also good so I knew things weren't going to go anywhere I couldn't control with Sean)that was fine. I love Mack and Jen together and wish they could just figure out they would be perfect for each other, but I know Jen still has a thing for Sean, and since Mack is like Sean's best friend... I wonder if she thinks it's like cheating on Sean? I don't know. I've never asked her.

Jen ended up spending the night and in the morning, since she felt and looked like hell (I loaned her an ancient nightgown and a scrunchie) I went out to Winchells on Orange Grove and got coffee and donuts. We watched Doctor Who (her choice, not mine) and after we both managed to get dressed she came along to see another house with me. This one is farther out, not even in Pasadena, but the place looked so great I said OK. I don't know, it was huge, with five beds and three and a half baths, and the big living room, big kitchen, big pool and even a separate little guest house out back that his family or friends or whatever could stay in. I didn't feel the "thing" though, but I thought Julian would want to see this one so I thought fine. Here we go, three houses! But by the time I had decided this, it was around 10pm his time, and he was out with Alex so I knew better than to bother him. If he had been out with just James and Charlie (who I knew were going to be there), it would have been another matter because they are both so nice to me and actually think that it's great that Julian is marrying me. Like normal people! (Which they totally are.) But with Alex there who knows anymore what he's going to say that will set Julian off. God, I wish he would just get rid of him.

Saturday night was really chilled out. I was over at Jenn's, and we cooked chicken cacciatore and had a bottle of wine. I got home pretty late and since I had decided after reading a PM from a VJer that I wanted to open anonymous comments again, that's what I did! I felt really positive about this, as I said above, and I think I'm ready to take on the anonymouses again. Today was mellow, and I cleaned the apartment a little and posted once or twice on VJ. I spoke to J when I woke up to tell him I had three houses, and I gave him all the details of the houses and the agent. He was THRILLED at all of them, and he said he would be in touch with his solicitor on Monday to see what needs to be done to get a lawyer over here to handle the sale.

And... Julian is coming to see me! Not sure of the date yet, but he said in about three weeks. Which would be about the 11th or so of July. Can. Not. Wait!!! I checked again with the realtor and she said that there wasn't a lot of movement at our price level so it was unlikely that any of these houses were going to move before Julian could make it over here, and that interest had been pretty low. So hooray! SO much going right at the moment.

The only thing that is really bothering me is that J says I need to fix things with Alex because he wants to have him as his best man at the wedding. I thought I was hallucinating when I heard him say that and had him say it again. Yeah, Julian wants Alex to be his best man. I mean, on one level I totally understand it because Alex IS his best friend after all. But with everything that went between us in the past I can't understand how he can do this to me. Julian said it was all ancient history, and that Alex and I need to grow up, both of us, and put it in the past. That we both owe it to him, since he has behaved so well considering what kind of position we put him in. And I think he's right. I am willing to stop feeling so much confusion about Alex and anger and whatever if he's willing to stop sending me nasty things and calling me up (like I don't know it's him) at 4 in the morning. It has been about a week since he's done anything like that, so maybe he's trying to as well. If he is, then I'd be happy to put all of it away for the sake of Julian and what is HIS big day too, after all. Julian says he has some idea about how to make it better, but he needs to figure it out. Hopefully it will just be like a conference call or whatever, or maybe he'll get Alex hypnotized for the wedding to behave! LOL

Yeah, so hey! I'm back!

Some big new thoughts.

Another busy weekend here, which I think is probably good. The busier I can be the less I think of how much I miss Julian. I haven't heard much from him over the past few days because he's been away since Friday with Alex in Scotland, at Alex's parents' house. The reception on his mobile is terrible up there, so he can really only call me when they go into Perth. And they only have dial-up internet up there! Unbelievable. I have been there once, and it was so cold and uncomfortable that I begged Julian never to make me go back. I had to share a room with Fenella, Alex's twin sister, and she snored both evenings after all the wine she had had.

So I got to see the Jen(n)s yesterday which was fantastic. We went to Caitlin's and had a barbecue. I was a little nervous about seeing Jenn, but she walked right up to me when I arrived and gave me a huge hug and told me that she had missed me. I told her I had missed her too, and that I had been doing a lot of thinking about what she had said about being true to myself and not letting Julian run the show all the time. I also told her that other people (I said it was on VJ and not here on my blog because she doesn't know I have the blog) had been saying the same thing to me so I was taking a long hard look at this and trying to see where I could be more myself. Where I can have my own identity apart from Julian's wife.

We talked about this a lot, and I told her some of my ideas. First, and Julian doesn't know any of this yet, I am thinking about not quitting my job when we get married. I mean, I know I don't have to have it, but it will keep me busy and after all, John says I'm doing a great job. I know it stresses me out, but I do like it mostly, even with passive-aggressive people and their notes about cups! Maybe I could work from home a couple of days a week, or go part-time or something. I think if I could keep doing it even just a little, I would have a better sense of being Melissa.

Also, I am not so sure I want to try to get pregnant right away. I'm only 25! My mom was a lot older than me when she had me, and I keep having this nagging feeling that there is so much to life as a couple that we would never experience if we had a child right away. Don't get me wrong, I love babies and can't wait to be a mom. But we'll never get to do some of the things I imagined us doing, like going to Tahiti or even just having a lot of time being a couple at home, if we have a baby right away. And if we don't have a baby, we can keep my Boxster for a while longer.

Jenn said these were excellent ideas, and that I was clearly thinking about myself first for a change. She even said I sounded like the old Melissa, the one who had dreams about seeing the world which had brought me to England in the first place. She said that if Julian could accept these ideas, he would go a long way to making her feel better about our relationship. I took everyone's advice and I just listened to her and didn't tell her that I wanted her to support him no matter what.

I want to speak to Julian about these plans, but I don't know what he'll say. I feel like sometimes he has our lives all planned out, with a house and a baby and his career over here and maybe us returning to England one day after he gets his citizenship. I mean, it's not like I never said no to any of it, so it's not really his fault if he doesn't know I'm not sure about it all. I mean, the only thing I'm sure of is that I really do love him and that I want to be with him forever. I don't know if I'm cut out for all of this extra... stuff. Before I met him, I mean, before we got really serious, I thought I would try to go to do an MA somewhere in art history, which is what my major was in. I wanted to maybe go work for Sotheby's or Christies, or even instead of the MA I could go back for a degree in painting conservation, which has always fascinated me. I wanted to go live in Italy for a while, or see Alaska. Instead I seem to look ahead and see me as a mother, me as a wife, me as a hostess. These are all great things, but I don't know really if this is going to be enough for me.

I was there for a good two hours when Sean showed up, totally unannounced. Caitlin had thought, apparently, that it would be a good idea if he and I just made up because it was making our circle of friends feel unbalanced if we continued to not speak with each other. After I got over the initial shock of seeing him for the first time since my birthday, I decided I could at least be civil so I waved hi to him. He just smiled at me and waved back. I felt so much better, like maybe things COULD go back to normal between us, and maybe he never meant anything more than just being my best male friend. He was really caught up for a long time talking to Caitlin and Mack but I felt like I wanted to talk to him as well, to be a big girl like everyone says I need to be and STOP acting like I'm in high school. Like I'm an adult and I can choose who my friends are.

I eventually went over to him since it didn't look like he was going to approach me. I just said hi, and that it was nice to see him. He was tanner than when I had last seen him, and I told him that. He just laughed and said he'd been running on the beach a lot recently. He said he was so sorry that he had made any trouble between Julian and me, and that him bringing me home to his was just the most sensible thing to do because he lived closer to the bar than anyone else, and he was worried about me having trouble getting home to Pasadena, that I might have been taken advantage of somehow. It was like I was seeing the old Sean, the one who was always looking out for me and protecting me again. I knew that whatever I had thought had happened hadn't happened at all. I feel now like I can trust Sean again and I told him this, which made him really happy. He offered to take me out to dinner this week, nothing fancy he said, because he didn't want Julian to think we were being "romantic" which made me laugh. I said okay, so he's coming up to Pasadena later this week; we'll probably go to La Estrella, which is the least romantic place I can think of -- it has its own resident panhandler!

God, I feel so much better. I can't wait to talk to Julian about all my ideas. I mean, ultimately I do need to listen to what he has to say about them too, but I think it's all a step in the right direction.

Trust.

I’m finding it so hard to write this, about what I did last night, about what happened this morning, and I don’t know how I can start. I want to talk about the wonderful things that happened yesterday but I feel like by even talking about having fun it somehow makes it seem like I don’t understand how serious the consequences of my stupid, stupid, stupid actions are. If I were Julian, I wouldn’t blame him if he told me he couldn’t handle the stress of having such an irresponsible fiancé anymore and ended it. I keep violating his trust again and again and even though I totally don’t mean to do it… I go ahead and get myself into situations where I compromise it anyway. I don’t know how I manage to do this. I always saw myself as the capable one, the responsible one, and now I just don’t know anymore.

Okay, stop. Let me start at the beginning, where at least there was some happiness. I had had a great time at the Blue Room, as I blogged about in my last post. Of course I was kind of upset when I got that email from Alex, but I read the comments that my readers left (can’t you just make up a name instead of leaving it anonymous? :) ) and decided that yeah, Alex was just trying to get me irritated. Someday, maybe, hopefully, I will be able to blog about why I think Alex hates me so much. It’s a very long story and I don’t want to talk about it today.

When Julian called me the morning after (SO thankful no hangover!) to wish me a happy birthday, I asked if he had seen the post and he said he had. He told me that he will speak to Alex about it and warn him that one more email or comment like this and Alex can forget about going to Anguilla on their “lads’ holiday” scheduled for September. J assured me that he will try as hard as he can to keep Alex in line, but ultimately he can’t control what Alex says to me, no more than he can control what I choose to do about my friendship with Sean. I said, well, at least you know that I don’t mean you any harm, and I swear I could hear him smile over the phone. He called me his sweet budgie and told me to have a beautiful day shopping for my dress, and that he couldn’t wait to see me in it on our wedding day. He had sent me the most beautiful birthday present – a very simple vintage tiara and earrings (“drops” he called them) which his mother wore at her wedding. Of course, it isn’t really a gift in the sense that I will only be taking care of these until the next generation comes along (*blush*), but I feel like a real princess. My dad has taken them and put them in his safe because he said he could not deal with the wrath of Jocasta if I managed to knock the tiara into a cat food dish or put an earring down the garbage disposal.

Mom came by around 10.30 and we met Jenn at a bridal shop in South Pasadena. I had told my mom I wanted to go to Monique Lhullier but she said just trust her, we should try a place that had multiple designers so I would have more choice. I had SO much fun trying on dresses (I think I tried on 12) – some of them looked terrible on me. As I thought, the whole mermaid-style dress looked bad on me, and anything that had a lot of lace just made me look like I was swallowed up. And then we found it. I found it! I won’t post the picture here (oh god, this is assuming I am still getting married, this is crazy, I just put down a down payment on a dress I may never need) because Julian does read this, so if you google “Amy Kuschel” and look for the Mae dress you’ll see it. I put it on and it made me feel like this is all for real and I kind of felt in shock. Jenn jumped up and hugged me and my mother, my tough feminist mother, even managed to drop at least one tear. I have to go back in about 3-4 months for a fitting, and I didn’t feel like looking for accessories just then so we left to go have lunch at Louise’s in Pasadena Old Town for my birthday. They toasted me with a glass of Prosecco and I even managed to eat an entire plate of Fettucine Alfredo, which made my mother smile even more.

Jenn came back with me to my apartment – it was 3.30 by that point – so we could get ready for my surprise, wherever it was. We hadn’t done a real girly getting ready thing like that in a long time and it was so much fun. We drank champagne (Jen was coming by later to pick us up so I wasn’t worried about driving) and Jenn curled my hair. I wore this green Anthropologie top with Grecian-style draping in the front, and slim black pants with my favorite kitten heel mules. Jen had on a sleeveless fuchsia wrap dress and gladiator sandals. I think we looked pretty great! I love the green top because it makes my eyes look more green, and is very flattering to my chest. Jen came by at 7, but before I could get in the car she put a blindfold on me and said I couldn’t take it off until we got to our destination. Take it from me – getting stuck on the 110 with a blindfold on is no fun, and Jen said I could keep it off until we hit the 10, since I knew we were going to the Westside anyway. I did as I was told.

After what seemed like forever, we got to the destination. Jen and Jenn took my arms and led me inside somewhere loud. I had no idea where I was! I heard Jen say, “Okay, 1…2…3…” and she ripped off my blindfold. I was in a very dark bar that looked familiar, but more importantly about 12 of my friends were there screaming “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELISSA!!!” I was laughing and crying at the same time, and the Jen(n)s grabbed me in a big hug and kissed my cheeks. I then realized where I was – I was at the Backstage Bar in Culver City! I hadn’t been here in AGES and I had really, really missed it. If the Blue Room is how Burbank does dive bar, this is how it’s done in Culver City and they do it RIGHT. Cheap drinks, the best mac and cheese and garlic fries ever, and yes, karaoke!

The staff were great and really took care of us, bringing us food when we needed it (and since Jason and Chris were there, it seemed like we always needed more of it) and a constant supply of drinks and jello shots.  All the girls wanted to know if I got “the dress” and when I said I had found it, we looked it up on someone’s iphone so they could all see. Maddy said she still couldn’t believe it, that I was getting married to Julian, and how much my life was going to change, and how much she envied me getting to quit work. I am lucky, I know, and I think a lot of girls would like to trade places with me, but it really is going to be hard work being “just a wife”.

And then something happened. Sean walked in.

Why was I surprised – that he was here, that he was late? I hadn’t banned Sean from this party, hadn’t told Jen I couldn’t see him. Sean just smiled his great big grin and walked straight over to where I was sitting, sat down next to me and hugged me very close. Too close, given what Julian and I had discussed. “Happy Birthday, Little Em,” he said in my ear. I didn’t like how that felt, it felt too intimate, now that Julian had told me that he felt Sean was still after me. I kind of froze in his hug, and he could tell something was up. I said nothing, and he said he didn’t believe me. Just then Maddy came over and sat in Sean’s lap so I got a break.
It kind of gets a bit hazy after then. I remember more jello shots and some gin and tonics in honor of Julian (Sean even led the toast) and singing “Like a Virgin” and “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera. I remember being outside the bar with Jenn, smoking a cigarette, and Sean coming out to talk to me, and then me telling him why won’t you just leave me alone I’m getting married and I love you but I’m not in love with you and Julian thinks you’re trying to get in my pants and what the hell am I supposed to do with you? I remember Caitlin holding my hair back in the restroom so I could be sick. I remember crying a lot and laughing a lot too, but I don’t know what order that was in. I remember looking for my bag and getting in a car and talking to whoever was driving and lying down on a sofa.

My phone rang at 9am – it was right next to my head so I grabbed it and answered. It was Julian, calling to wish me a happy day-after-birthday. “How is Melissa this morning?” I groaned. “That good?” he said. And then I opened my eyes. I wasn’t home, or at Caitlin’s, where I was supposed to be staying, but I knew where I was. I was on Sean’s couch, under Sean’s blanket. I was thankfully still completely clothed. I didn’t answer Julian, and he sensed something was up.

J: Melissa, what’s the matter?
M: Julian…
J: What’s wrong? I can tell something is not right.
M: I don’t know what happened Julian, I guess I got really drunk… I can hardly remember what happened after a point. We were all having such a good time at the Backstage Bar –
J: Oh GOD, you went to that dump?
M: It was fun, and everyone was there –
J: By that I take it you mean Sean too.
M: Yes, sweetie. But I didn’t invite him. And nothing happened! I even told him to leave me alone, I think.
J: Well, I forgive you. It wasn’t your fault; you weren’t to know Jen would do something so monumentally boneheaded as to invite that lummox.
M: But J, I do need to tell you something. You want me to be honest with you about me, right?
J: I do not like the sound of this Melissa.
M: I guess I got really drunk last night, so I had to stay at someone’s place. Oh Julian, I don’t know how this happened.
J: Please, Melissa. Please don’t say this to me.
M: I’m wearing all my clothes! Nothing happened!
J: I have no way of knowing what you are saying is true, no way more than you do. By your own admission, you were so drunk that you don’t even remember what happened. How can you know he didn’t touch you or kiss you? You are my FIANCE, Melissa. You are about to be my WIFE. You cannot do this anymore.
M: I didn’t mean to!
J: Whether you meant to or not is immaterial, Melissa. You are not in college anymore, dating and sleeping around –
M: I never slept around!
J: You slept with [name deleted] didn’t you! After we had started seeing each other!
M: That was a mistake!
J: Yes, just like this was a “mistake.” Melissa, if you want any chance of saving your relationship with me – and god knows why I want to save mine with you after all you have put me through, and how I will seem on your stupid blog after you post this “mistake” – you will take your bag and walk out of that apartment right now. While you are on the phone with me. Do you understand?
M: Yes, honey.
J: Do you have your bag?
M: Yes honey.
J: Are you leaving?
M: Should I leave a note?
J: Of course you shouldn’t leave a note!
M: Okay.
J: I am putting you on hold and calling you a car. Where are you? [I told him.]
I waited on hold for a while, and Julian came back on.
J: A car will be with you in 15 minutes. Are you safe where you are?
M: It’s Culver City, not South Central!
J: I mean from him.
M: Oh yes, I walked around the corner.
J: Fine. Are you paying attention to me, Melissa? Listen. I am putting down the phone now and you will not hear from me until I can decide whether you are worth the pain you are putting me through. Did I not threaten to cut off my best friend for you? What have you done for me? You continue to break promises you make to me, again and again. I have to decide whether I can trust you again. What is a marriage without trust, Melissa?
M: I don’t know.
J: It isn’t a marriage. You wait there for the car. Send me a text when you get in the car and when you get home. I don’t know when I will speak to you next but take care, my darling. I love you.

I am home now, and I seem to have cried for three hours. I have nearly thrown it all away because I can’t say no to people, can’t be clear about what I want and how I want it. Please, please, don’t let this be the end. I’m sorry this post is so long, but there was so much to say.