Sorry

I haven't posted in a while, I know. There are a couple of reasons for this, some happy and some I could do without. I think I'll deal with the not-so-happy ones first. I am sick of the really negative and frankly rude comments I get on here. I have been accused of sleeping with my fiance's best friend, being an attention-seeker, being a gold-digger, drinking too much, getting addicted to pills... and the list goes on. And on. And on. And it has started seeping over on to VJ, where I can't even ask a question any more without getting attacked. And when I had an issue with Blogger -- which I have complained about in the past, with comments getting turned OFF and blocked beyond my control -- I got accused of turning anonymous comments back on. I left all your hurtful comments up there so you can see how ridiculous you sound. I won't even comment on the people who were saying borderline-stalker things.

So here is the deal with comments. I know you are all DYING to comment on my blog since you seem to like doing it so much. I am turning comments back ON but I will approve them all. If you are registered, your comment will be approved and I will post it. If you leave a name, I will probably post it. If you do not leave a name, and the comment is not attacking me, I will post it. Those are the rules. I'm not doing this because I'm an attention whore. I actually liked reading people's opinions, and I feel like the current system isn't working.

That's over. Phew. Back to real life. Well, we got our NOA2 last week, and now our case is at the National Visa Center (NVC). It got there on Monday, so I'm really hoping it will get sent to the London Embassy tomorrow or Friday. After it gets to the Embassy, everything really starts happening! Going by timelines, I think Julian should be getting his interview in October. It's a real pain, because I wanted to have an outdoor reception at my parents' house, but I don't think that is going to happen now. Assuming he gets his visa in mid-October, he still wants to wrap a lot of things up before he leaves. Which means that he will probably want to wait until Christmas to come over here, unless I can convince him otherwise. I told him that he should start wrapping things up NOW but he said he wants to wait until he has the visa.

But in the meantime, he has his LND number (his case number at London), which he needed to book his medical. He has one in about 3 weeks time. He also has been getting together all the other things he needs, like his birth certificate and his ACPO police certificate. He is also getting his "jabs" as he calls them updated so he won't need to do them at the medical. One of the VJ ladies (Jill) posted some GREAT info on how to speed up the process a little, and Julian has now downloaded all the forms he needs to send off when the Embassy contacts him to tell him to send his "Packet 3" back. We're all ready, we just need that P3!

Everything is going along well with the house. We're closing next week, but I will probably not move in completely until the end of the month so Rachel and I can start decorating. Rachel has been a little bit of a pain recently about the house. She promised months ago she would help me with the decoration and she seemed so excited. But now she says she doesn't have time for it, that her screenplay needs to be rewritten and she doesn't know how she can possibly be expected to do what is a favor to me when she is so busy. Busy? Ha! I know exactly what she is up to because she is so sloppy. I know for a fact that she is seeing a married man now, and I think he has something to do with her screenplay because I checked out his Facebook profile and he is in the business. It was soooo easy to figure out what was going on. All of a sudden, this older guy appears in her friends list, and she starts commenting on all of his posts, really flattering him. And he leaves cryptic little notes on her photos. It is so gross. If my parents knew, they would FREAK. But I will not say anything for the sake of family unity.

Oh god, and then Rachel was asking me about Alex! She saw a picture of him and Julian and me AGES ago when I emailed her one from Bristol, and she kept saying how hot he was, and did he have a castle or something. God, talk about gold diggers! I told her that Alex's family had a country house, yes, but they lost a lot of their money ages ago, and I bet they would want him to marry a nice rich American girl. Which she wasn't then (she was struggling to finish senior year) and isn't now (bartender). But since she's my friend on FB, and Alex is back on my FB list, she can see his pictures and she sent me an email about him with the subject line "Yum." She asked if it was really true he was going to be the best man, and was he single because she said she would totally do him. I said that that was completely believable, because there was hardly a guy out there she WOULDN'T do. She didn't talk to me for a couple of days after that. And of course I told Alex, who thought it was all really funny. I need to keep an eye on them during the wedding; I don't put it past my sister to try to sleep with him.

Hmmm. What else? Not much at the moment. Jenn and I are trying to see each other more and get over some of our issues. We had dinner the other night over at her place and it was pretty great, and she even managed to seem happier that Julian and I are getting married. Work is going all right; now it's August, all of Europe is on vacation so it's pretty quiet. I spend a lot of time thinking about what to do about my wedding. I made a couple of calls to local venues to see what I might be able to get around Christmas. There was an opening at a venue I really like on the 18th of December; Julian told me to reserve it just in case so I have today. He said to start doing the real planning now, getting back in touch with all the vendors I have already spoken to and put down deposits. I don't like the idea of December 18th though, but the next Saturday is Christmas Day and I don't want that either. Just stuck. But I suppose I will just get used to it.

So that means this weekend I'll be rethinking colors. AGAIN. If it's Christmas, I want something richer in color, maybe plum or dark green, with cream. Blah. But once I do, I have got to get everything going with the florist, and the bakery and everyone else. The invitations have been ready to go for ages and since they're just black engraved on white card I don't have to worry about colors. I just have to commit to a date. I guess I better make up my mind.

Almost an NOA2!

Just a quick post tonight, I just got home from Timmy Nolans (went there because was seeing Rachel on her night off and she won't go east of Burbank unless it's to go to Sephora) and Jen and Jenn came too. We were celebrating the touches and I had a few beers and the calamari which was great as always.

So excited to see if something is on the USCIS website about our NOA2. All of this is so great, with Julian coming in about 3 weeks and the house and evrything. So happy that I'm friends with Sean again and Alex isn't being such an asshole anymore.

I know I had to be ready for people being rude when I opened comments again. I am not an alcoholic and J is not a drug addict! I happen to have a few drinks a week, not a lot. I don't need to drink to relax or anything. I can't believe people think I have a problem! Yeah, I went out tonight. To celebrate. And I ate and everything! And Julian does not have a cocaine addiction. That whole thing with the picture was a JOKE with flour not cocaine. And anyway, it's been months since Julian did cocaine. God.

I'm going to bed. Hopefully there will be good news in the morning! Many thanks to the people who have been so nice to me recently on here and on VJ. It means so much to me.

I'm back!

Wow, what a busy few days I have had. I keep trying to find some time to sit down and write something about what's been happening, but it seems like I am always busy or tired or out with friends. There's a thread on VJ right now on how to make the time go faster when you're apart from your loved one, and everyone says that keeping busy is the best way to speed things up. I totally agree!

I can't believe it's been four days since I got so upset at how people were treating me on the blog. It seems like ten years ago! I got so fed up with the lies and the way people were treating me like I was an idiot, and I did something really immature, which was go back and delete the comments because I felt like having them sit there on each post was too painful. Instead of ignoring them I lashed out and that was pretty stupid. I've lost the comments forever, which is kind of sad, I guess. Anyway, I had a lot of really great PMs from people through VJ (I won't share anyone's name) encouraging me to keep posting, that it's MY blog and I can do with it what I want, and not to feel bullied by people. Thank you SO much everyone who got in contact, and there were quite a few of you, so I know that I'm not as alone as I thought. What you had to say to me made me feel strong enough to stand up for myself and keep going. So... THANK YOU!!! You know who you are. I was really amazed that you were all willing to identify yourselves to me via VJ as well and I promise you I will not tell anyone (and I mean ANYONE *wink*) who you are.

So... what have I been up to? Well, number one, my allergies are acting up so I feel terrible, and my eyes are so watery sometimes. Thursday was a bit of a blah day. Dana actually sent me an email telling me I shouldn't be so "blatant" about all the wedding websites I was going on, and that it was really clear that I was spending about half my day looking at The Knot and the other half having "overheated conversations" with Julian on the phone. I can't believe how rude she was! I look at The Knot during lunch when I'm at my desk or when I'm on really boring conference calls or whatever, which is HARDLY half the day. And okay, maybe I do talk to Julian on the phone a lot, but we have so much going on right now with buying a house that of course we have to talk often! I mean, if Julian were living in, like, Santa Monica or whatever we would still need to talk frequently. God. I have tried to be better about looking at wedding websites though.

Which reminds me that I am totally drawing a blank on bridesmaids' dresses. I spent a lot of time looking at really expensive ones, and also at really cheap ones and I still couldn't tell the difference. Jen and Jenn sat down with me on Thursday night and we made an executive decision (seeing as they are maid of honor and bridesmaid) and we decided to do something really simple: we're going to go with something from J. Crew, so they actually have a chance of wearing the dresses after. No clue what style, but since it's .J Crew we can take our time. I emailed Stella and Veronique (who had no clue what J. Crew was, but I sent her a link) about my idea and they both seemed happy with the idea. When we decide what to go with, I will post the picture!

Friday, god. A lot of stuff. First, I think I found two houses that totally ticked all my boxes. And yes, one of them I at first rejected because I HATE the downstairs bathroom! I thought about it again and thought how stupid it is, considering I will be having Rachel help me decorate the place anyway. Following Julian's instructions, I won't be giving too much away about these houses, like where they are and exactly what features they have. (He is getting really paranoid, by the way, about when he comes over since people have been saying horrible things on VJ about him getting beat up. I told him not to be so silly, who would want to beat him up? But he actually asked me at one point if I wasn't sure I wanted to just cancel the K1 and file for a UK fiancée visa. He was so sweet and offered to fly my family and friends (within reason) out to London and we could have the reception wherever I wanted but I said no, we were so far along in the Process now we couldn't give up.)

Sorry. Anyway, yeah. Two houses. One is a four bed with two bathrooms (one I hate), a really great open plan space sort of like a huge living room, and a GORGEOUS kitchen with (I couldn't even believe it) an Aga stove like the one J's parents have in their house, except this one was almost new and in a dark red color. There was also an Aga dishwasher and fridge that matched. It was like a sign. Lots of beautiful original wood throughout and a fireplace. Out back there's a big yard that needs a lot of help but a nice pool and even a little pool cabana. Cute. This is number one on my list and it's in a great area.

Number two was five bedrooms and also in a good area. It's a lot newer than number one, but it's also a LOT larger. The bedrooms were huge, and two of them were already set up as studies with built-in shelves and lots of power outlets. The master bedroom had its own bathroom, and it had Victorian-style fixtures. Loved it. I called Julian right away and told him I had seen two possibles and he said that if I could find a third he would come over to start the process. Wow, I felt like I had to get going! It's been almost three months since we've seen each other and it's been so hard to be apart.

And then on Friday night -- and just in case anyone thinks I haven't told Julian this yet, I have -- I went out with Jen and we met up with Sean and Mack at Backstage Bar for karaoke. I wasn't exactly going to say that when I posted on Friday because I just wanted to post quickly about comments, and I was sure I was going to get a TON if I wrote, "Oh hi, I'm meeting Sean tonight." I felt really bad about how I had left it with Sean, I mean, we have been friends for years and our families are so close, so I guess I think I need to make things more normal. I still think he has a crush on me, but that doesn't mean we can't still be friends IF we always hang out in a group. Which is why I had Jen call Mack and ask him to get Sean to come out on Friday, and explained why we needed to meet up.

Anyway, it was great! Sean wasn't weird or creepy or anything, and we were able to laugh and joke and be normal again. Sean and I sang "Can't Stand Me Now" by the Libertines which was pretty hilarious because he is totally tone deaf! Mack and Jen got smashed, but since I was driving and had only had one beer (also good so I knew things weren't going to go anywhere I couldn't control with Sean)that was fine. I love Mack and Jen together and wish they could just figure out they would be perfect for each other, but I know Jen still has a thing for Sean, and since Mack is like Sean's best friend... I wonder if she thinks it's like cheating on Sean? I don't know. I've never asked her.

Jen ended up spending the night and in the morning, since she felt and looked like hell (I loaned her an ancient nightgown and a scrunchie) I went out to Winchells on Orange Grove and got coffee and donuts. We watched Doctor Who (her choice, not mine) and after we both managed to get dressed she came along to see another house with me. This one is farther out, not even in Pasadena, but the place looked so great I said OK. I don't know, it was huge, with five beds and three and a half baths, and the big living room, big kitchen, big pool and even a separate little guest house out back that his family or friends or whatever could stay in. I didn't feel the "thing" though, but I thought Julian would want to see this one so I thought fine. Here we go, three houses! But by the time I had decided this, it was around 10pm his time, and he was out with Alex so I knew better than to bother him. If he had been out with just James and Charlie (who I knew were going to be there), it would have been another matter because they are both so nice to me and actually think that it's great that Julian is marrying me. Like normal people! (Which they totally are.) But with Alex there who knows anymore what he's going to say that will set Julian off. God, I wish he would just get rid of him.

Saturday night was really chilled out. I was over at Jenn's, and we cooked chicken cacciatore and had a bottle of wine. I got home pretty late and since I had decided after reading a PM from a VJer that I wanted to open anonymous comments again, that's what I did! I felt really positive about this, as I said above, and I think I'm ready to take on the anonymouses again. Today was mellow, and I cleaned the apartment a little and posted once or twice on VJ. I spoke to J when I woke up to tell him I had three houses, and I gave him all the details of the houses and the agent. He was THRILLED at all of them, and he said he would be in touch with his solicitor on Monday to see what needs to be done to get a lawyer over here to handle the sale.

And... Julian is coming to see me! Not sure of the date yet, but he said in about three weeks. Which would be about the 11th or so of July. Can. Not. Wait!!! I checked again with the realtor and she said that there wasn't a lot of movement at our price level so it was unlikely that any of these houses were going to move before Julian could make it over here, and that interest had been pretty low. So hooray! SO much going right at the moment.

The only thing that is really bothering me is that J says I need to fix things with Alex because he wants to have him as his best man at the wedding. I thought I was hallucinating when I heard him say that and had him say it again. Yeah, Julian wants Alex to be his best man. I mean, on one level I totally understand it because Alex IS his best friend after all. But with everything that went between us in the past I can't understand how he can do this to me. Julian said it was all ancient history, and that Alex and I need to grow up, both of us, and put it in the past. That we both owe it to him, since he has behaved so well considering what kind of position we put him in. And I think he's right. I am willing to stop feeling so much confusion about Alex and anger and whatever if he's willing to stop sending me nasty things and calling me up (like I don't know it's him) at 4 in the morning. It has been about a week since he's done anything like that, so maybe he's trying to as well. If he is, then I'd be happy to put all of it away for the sake of Julian and what is HIS big day too, after all. Julian says he has some idea about how to make it better, but he needs to figure it out. Hopefully it will just be like a conference call or whatever, or maybe he'll get Alex hypnotized for the wedding to behave! LOL

Yeah, so hey! I'm back!

Some big new thoughts.

Another busy weekend here, which I think is probably good. The busier I can be the less I think of how much I miss Julian. I haven't heard much from him over the past few days because he's been away since Friday with Alex in Scotland, at Alex's parents' house. The reception on his mobile is terrible up there, so he can really only call me when they go into Perth. And they only have dial-up internet up there! Unbelievable. I have been there once, and it was so cold and uncomfortable that I begged Julian never to make me go back. I had to share a room with Fenella, Alex's twin sister, and she snored both evenings after all the wine she had had.

So I got to see the Jen(n)s yesterday which was fantastic. We went to Caitlin's and had a barbecue. I was a little nervous about seeing Jenn, but she walked right up to me when I arrived and gave me a huge hug and told me that she had missed me. I told her I had missed her too, and that I had been doing a lot of thinking about what she had said about being true to myself and not letting Julian run the show all the time. I also told her that other people (I said it was on VJ and not here on my blog because she doesn't know I have the blog) had been saying the same thing to me so I was taking a long hard look at this and trying to see where I could be more myself. Where I can have my own identity apart from Julian's wife.

We talked about this a lot, and I told her some of my ideas. First, and Julian doesn't know any of this yet, I am thinking about not quitting my job when we get married. I mean, I know I don't have to have it, but it will keep me busy and after all, John says I'm doing a great job. I know it stresses me out, but I do like it mostly, even with passive-aggressive people and their notes about cups! Maybe I could work from home a couple of days a week, or go part-time or something. I think if I could keep doing it even just a little, I would have a better sense of being Melissa.

Also, I am not so sure I want to try to get pregnant right away. I'm only 25! My mom was a lot older than me when she had me, and I keep having this nagging feeling that there is so much to life as a couple that we would never experience if we had a child right away. Don't get me wrong, I love babies and can't wait to be a mom. But we'll never get to do some of the things I imagined us doing, like going to Tahiti or even just having a lot of time being a couple at home, if we have a baby right away. And if we don't have a baby, we can keep my Boxster for a while longer.

Jenn said these were excellent ideas, and that I was clearly thinking about myself first for a change. She even said I sounded like the old Melissa, the one who had dreams about seeing the world which had brought me to England in the first place. She said that if Julian could accept these ideas, he would go a long way to making her feel better about our relationship. I took everyone's advice and I just listened to her and didn't tell her that I wanted her to support him no matter what.

I want to speak to Julian about these plans, but I don't know what he'll say. I feel like sometimes he has our lives all planned out, with a house and a baby and his career over here and maybe us returning to England one day after he gets his citizenship. I mean, it's not like I never said no to any of it, so it's not really his fault if he doesn't know I'm not sure about it all. I mean, the only thing I'm sure of is that I really do love him and that I want to be with him forever. I don't know if I'm cut out for all of this extra... stuff. Before I met him, I mean, before we got really serious, I thought I would try to go to do an MA somewhere in art history, which is what my major was in. I wanted to maybe go work for Sotheby's or Christies, or even instead of the MA I could go back for a degree in painting conservation, which has always fascinated me. I wanted to go live in Italy for a while, or see Alaska. Instead I seem to look ahead and see me as a mother, me as a wife, me as a hostess. These are all great things, but I don't know really if this is going to be enough for me.

I was there for a good two hours when Sean showed up, totally unannounced. Caitlin had thought, apparently, that it would be a good idea if he and I just made up because it was making our circle of friends feel unbalanced if we continued to not speak with each other. After I got over the initial shock of seeing him for the first time since my birthday, I decided I could at least be civil so I waved hi to him. He just smiled at me and waved back. I felt so much better, like maybe things COULD go back to normal between us, and maybe he never meant anything more than just being my best male friend. He was really caught up for a long time talking to Caitlin and Mack but I felt like I wanted to talk to him as well, to be a big girl like everyone says I need to be and STOP acting like I'm in high school. Like I'm an adult and I can choose who my friends are.

I eventually went over to him since it didn't look like he was going to approach me. I just said hi, and that it was nice to see him. He was tanner than when I had last seen him, and I told him that. He just laughed and said he'd been running on the beach a lot recently. He said he was so sorry that he had made any trouble between Julian and me, and that him bringing me home to his was just the most sensible thing to do because he lived closer to the bar than anyone else, and he was worried about me having trouble getting home to Pasadena, that I might have been taken advantage of somehow. It was like I was seeing the old Sean, the one who was always looking out for me and protecting me again. I knew that whatever I had thought had happened hadn't happened at all. I feel now like I can trust Sean again and I told him this, which made him really happy. He offered to take me out to dinner this week, nothing fancy he said, because he didn't want Julian to think we were being "romantic" which made me laugh. I said okay, so he's coming up to Pasadena later this week; we'll probably go to La Estrella, which is the least romantic place I can think of -- it has its own resident panhandler!

God, I feel so much better. I can't wait to talk to Julian about all my ideas. I mean, ultimately I do need to listen to what he has to say about them too, but I think it's all a step in the right direction.

Jenn.

I guess it's time to talk about Jenn. Why it is that our disagreements are not just about what she thinks about Julian, or what she thinks about me not speaking with Sean. I mean, sure, to some extent it IS about those things. But it goes back a little further than that. And I don't really know that what it is about is actually anything substantial but it still is an issue that keeps coming up again and again. And no, it's not about her being jealous of me, or me thinking she's prettier, or even about a guy, since I bet some of you were thinking just that.

This time it is just about her and me and how we support each other.

Jenn and I go back. Way back. Not as far as Jen and me, but pretty close. We met in fifth grade, when she moved to Burbank from New York. Her dad is in the movie industry, like a lot of people in Burbank. He had done something with a TV show, on the production side, and then the show moved production from New York to Burbank, and I guess he followed the work out west. Anyway, Jenn came and she was like no one I had ever met before. She didn't sound like the rest of us, didn't dress like the rest of us, and I thought she was the coolest person I had ever met. She thought I was a weirdo at first (she says) because I kept trying to get her to tell me about what life in New York was like. Did she live in a browstone? Did she go to Times Square? What was it like to live with snow? (I can't even believe I was so stupid back then!)

But eventually we became friends, and through me she met Jen, and after that it was always us three. It's almost impossible to talk about Jenn without talking about Jen, too. Our mothers always say how much we are like sisters (god, I wish Jen and Jenn were my sisters and not Rachel!), how we complement each other. Jenn is the one who speaks her mind immediately, Jen is the sweet and rational one. And I'm... well, I'm just me. Jen says I'm the sweet one too, just a different type. Jenn says I tend to always see the best in everyone, even when they don't deserve it.

I guess the difference in how I feel about Jen and Jenn is that I have never, ever doubted that Jen would have my back. I can't say the same about Jenn. It goes back to when we were juniors in high school. Jenn and I had always had disagreements about things, stupid little things like whether or not it was fair that I had had the solo in school chorus two Christmases in a row, or if an actor was cute or not, or if she really should wear her hair like that. But we always got over them pretty quickly, usually with Jen acting as a mediator. She HATES it when we fight. Anyway, it was another stupid fight that got out of control, and honestly, I didn't cause the trouble.

We were both in the school play, which that year was A Midsummer Night's Dream. Jenn and I went out for the play every year, even though neither of us were particularly good at acting, because we liked feeling part of something big and exciting like a play. We sang in the chorus in Grease sophomore year as sort of random teenagers, no names, because I think the drama teacher realized we could sing even if we couldn't act. This year we had decided to be more focused and really go for a part, even a small one. We decided to focus on the fairies, since the parts were small and might have nice costumes. It also meant we could be together in scenes. It was a plan.

Well, it turned out to be a plan that didn't quite work out. We did our auditions and waited for the cast list to go up. I was totally shocked when I got the role of Hermia and Jenn was Peaseblossom, just as she wanted to be. This was not supposed to be how it was going to work out. Jenn seemed really happy for me, not jealous at all, but I felt it was wrong. I wasn't any good, or at least not good enough for a big part. I didn't even have the time for a big part -- I was on the yearbook staff and I was dating Dan Szciemanski (I think that's how he spelled it) too. So I did what I thought was right. I asked to see the drama teacher and I told him I didn't want to be Hermia, and I wanted a much smaller part. He was pretty shocked and asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. I said I wanted to be one of the fairies (he hadn't cast all of them at this point) and that he should find another Hermia. He gave me the role of Moth, which was fine by me.

I told Jenn later that night. I thought she would be really, really pleased that I had done something that would allow us to make our plan real. Well, she wasn't. Oh boy, she wasn't. She screamed at me, and told me I was an idiot -- I was giving up a chance that I had deserved and earned and why? So we could be together? She was sick of me giving in to what I thought people expected of me, and passing up chances so I could make other people happy before myself. She told me I needed to love myself more than anyone else, and I just laughed and said I didn't even know that was possible. That seemed to make her even angrier, and she told me she didn't know who I was anymore, that ever since I had started dating seriously in freshman year I had disappeared, and that the funny and silly Melissa was gone. All I cared about was fitting in and boys and parties, which was NOT true.

I didn't lash out at her though. I told her calmly that I had made up my mind, and that I wanted her to support me. I was doing AP French and US History that year and I was so busy, and I was doing the play to spend more time with her, just like we always did. And before the school play, we had done chorus in junior high. It was our thing that we shared. She said I was crazy, that I was a doormat, that I never stood up for myself anymore, and she said it was just getting worse the older I got. She said the Melissa she had met in fifth grade would never have done this. She said she was sick of my martyr routine and that I should call her when I got a spine again.

The next day in school the drama teacher asked to see me. He wanted to tell me Jenn had quit the play, and maybe I wanted to reconsider my decision to take a smaller part? I was totally thrown by Jenn's quitting, but I said no, I had made my decision and I was sticking to it. He offered me her role, which I refused to take out of respect to her. He found a new Hermia who was about ten times better than I could ever have been, and a new Peaseblossom, too. My costume was gorgeous and I enjoyed being in the show, but it wasn't the same without Jenn.

Jenn eventually came around to the idea of being my friend again before the show went up. Jen stepped in (as usual) and made us sit down and talk it out. Jenn said she was sorry for not supporting me, and I said I was sorry too, but I wasn't really sure what for. It didn't matter. But after that point things between Jenn and me have always been a little... different. I think sometimes she sees me as being too trusting and too willing to put other people before myself still. And that is exactly what is going on again now. Julian could be anyone or anything or any situation that she wasn't happy with.

I love Jenn. I miss her. I'm ready to see her again, and I'm ready to hear what she has to say. She'll be at Caitlin's tomorrow and I can't wait to give her a hug and tell her just that.

Simple and short.

Quick post -- just back from Jen's. Jenn was there, and I was a little upset, because clearly this was Jen's way of trying to make us all be friends again. I mean, Jenn was very nice and said we should just just let all the past issues just go but I knew she wasn't happy with me still being with Julian. I was nice back and said yeah, maybe we should just not talk about J and she seemed so happy with that I thought: well, if you can't love the person your so-called best friend is marrying, what kind of a friend are you? I was very friendly and we seem to have kind of patched it up. I'm only doing it for Jen.

And then, oh, just to make it better, Jenn actually CALLED Sean and made me talk to him. Awkward doesn't even begin. He said he was sorry for making Julian mad at me, and that he would never DREAM of doing anything to make me feel uncomfortable, and that if I had issues with Julian that he would accept it was his fault. I'm still mad at him, but at least I feel like what happened looked bad. Nothing else. He wants to get together in the next few weeks but if I say yes, then Jen needs to be there.

AND I am getting my hair colored tomorrow! Not sure of the color, but likely to be a dark red-brown. Why not?

Another happy day

Another quick post from me -- I'm getting better, I hope, at cutting down on the babbling on. SUCH a beautiful day here in Pasadena, a bit windy, but so nice. I went to the Paseo Colorado and wandered around the stores, and managed to buy too much makeup at Sephora. (Julian refers to Sephora as "The Mothership" since I manage to always gravitate to one if it's in the area.) I also wasted some time in Jigsaw and Coach -- I almost bought a new handbag but Julian has said I probably have too many bags so I resisted. I thought about going to see a movie at the new ArcLight there, but I hate going to the movies on my own. It just makes me feel like I have no friends.

Speaking of which, I called Maven today to thank her for listening to me yesterday night talk all about my worries about the K1 visa. She said it was nothing, and that she always enjoys meeting VJ members. I asked her if she might have time to meet up again this week, maybe for a craft night since she knits (she showed me some pictures of her finished objects and they are cute!) and I have my scrapbooking. She said she'd see what she had in her week and let me know. She said she might say hello very briefly tomorrow since she has to see her friend Sara who lives about half a mile from me. I hope she does; I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment. Not only is Julian STILL 6000 miles away, Jen and Jenn are avoiding me. Jen at least still takes my calls, but Jenn has told me she is pissed at the way I am acting. She said she has had it up to here with my giving in to all of Julian's demands -- who I can talk to, how I can dress, what I do with my spare time. She told me that when I remember who Melissa is, I can call her. I'm glad I haven't told her about this blog, because now I can say this: Jenn is such a bitch. Why can't she see that I'm still me? If she loves me, she has to love Julian too. That's just the way it is. Maybe I'm glad to have a break from her.

Jen is talking to me, but every time we speak all she wants to talk about is Sean and how hurt he is by what is going on. I've told her again and again that I don't CARE if he hurts, since he put me in a situation where I almost lost my fiance. I told her that when she wants to talk to me about anything but Sean, she can call me. My mom called me today and said she sensed something was wrong with me, but I said no, nothing! And really nothing IS wrong -- I am just putting my foot down about how I feel about people and somehow people think that that is me being weak. I just don't understand that at all.

I told Julian all about my drinks with Maven and he seemed cautiously happy for me to have a new friend nearby. He told me to be careful not to tell her too many personal things before I know her well, because maybe she'll post things about us on VJ that might hurt us. I told him I didn't think THAT would happen. He said he would have preferred that I made friends with women my own age, but it's not like she's in her 40s or anything, and she has other friends who are my age.

So that's about it for today -- another good one. Keep them coming, and here's hoping my NOA2 arrives soon! I want Julian to come home to me right away. I miss him so much.

Some resolution, much happiness.

So, so tired, but trying to get one post in before I go to bed. It will be as short as I can keep it, which I know is hard to believe! Sooooo... Julian did call me back at 1am, as promised. He seemed so eager to accept my apologies, I could hardly believe it after not talking to me for 48 hours. I asked him what he had been up to, why he wouldn't take my calls. He explained he was just so shaken by the idea of losing me to "that manchild" (meaning Sean) that he couldn't think straight.

He thought I might leave him again, like I left him before (I told him I didn't want to talk about THAT bit of ancient history), for someone who seemed to want the best for me but turned out to have very different ideas. "Just remember what happened with [name deleted] -- you thought he was a shoulder to cry on after we had that massive row, and it turned out he just wanted to see what fucking his friend's girlfriend was like." (It's true, and horrible, and I still don't know why I did it -- and I don't know why Julian ever took me back after [name deleted] dumped me after three weeks, or why he's still friends with that asshole.) I assured him again that not only did nothing happen with Sean, nothing WOULD happen from now on since I had told the Jen(n)s that I wanted nothing to do with him. I mentioned that Jenn was furious with J for barring me from seeing my best friend, and furious with me for giving in, and that Jen was sad that I would just dump one of HER best friends (meaning Sean) even if it was understandable why. Julian said he had some sympathy for what Jen had to say, but that Jenn's boyfriend Dan must be even more wet than he had thought at first if he would let his girlfriend carry on like that. ("Weak handshake, Melissa. Jenn must be the dominant one in bed, that's all I'll say on that matter.")

Anyway, he forgave me in the end and said he had felt lost the past two days without me. (Awwwww!) He had spent a lot of time talking with Alex, who had tried to convince him to leave me (typical), but the more Alex talked me down the more he realized he wanted to be with me, wanted to defend me. Sure, maybe in the first 24 hours he was more open to what Alex had to say, but he was certain that we should really, truly be together, and the sooner the better. Once I was his wife, I could count on being loved how I deserved to be loved by him. (Awwwwwww again!)

Work was crazy when I got back (and that's why it's 12:50am and finishing things up, but at least I'm at home with Tibbs and a glass of White Zin now) but I seem to be catching up. And something really cool happened today on VJ -- one of the other UK VJers who lives in my hometown, Burbank, contacted me and said we should have a coffee sometime soon! How cool is that? She's also married to a British guy, and said I seemed very sweet but might benefit from a little older sisterly advice. I told her that sounded great, especially since my REAL older sister is such a waste of space. We originally agreed to do this tomorrow night, but now she can't since she forgot that she needs to be in tomorrow night after all. Maybe on Friday then, or Saturday afternoon. I could use the perspective of someone who has also been through the visa process already.

So today was just wonderful, pretty much from start to finish. Much better -- I deserved this!!!

Maybe better, oh I hope maybe better.

What a couple of days. Obviously what happened with Julian was the biggest thing I had to worry about recently. I couldn't bring myself to tell my mother what happened. I was so ashamed of what I had done I just couldn't say to her after our happy shopping trip that I had done something that could change me even needing that dress. I tried to post something last night about all of this, and just nothing would come out of my fingers. Which is really strange for me -- before I started this blog, I would write pages and pages in my diary; now I type it and share it (sometimes I think how weird this is!) but it's always a lot! Anyway, I couldn't talk to my own mother about what I did and I had no idea what to do.

I had a very nice and helpful comment from one of my readers (hi Justine!), who said a lot of things that hit close to home. I am not to blame for Sean being at the party, and even Julian said that, but I was to blame for not making it clear to everyone that going and staying at his place was not something I could do anymore, even if it always had been before. Oh god, getting ahead of myself. (deep breath) But I made the decision to let Julian tell me what he expects of me in terms of my behavior during the time we're apart. We have to talk about what is and is not acceptable. I know that he and Alex go out sometimes and stay out really late, and go to places like Stringfellows (but in an ironic way, Julian says), but I know Julian is faithful to me. (Even with Alex constantly telling him to reconsider marrying me, I know Julian will not cheat on me.) So the burden is on me really since I'm the one who is misbehaving.

I want to talk to J about this, but until 2.15pm today I haven't heard his voice except on his voicemail. I know he told me to wait for him to call me, but I couldn't stand it. I called him every half hour on Monday, and every hour today, until he finally picked up. I took yesterday and today off work because I was so exhausted from the grief I was feeling, yes, grief. All I could do was lie on the couch, with Tibbs (my cat) curled up next to me, and cry and watch really bad TV. I can't believe how many Lifetime movies I watched. I watched Love, Actually and it made me cry even more. Every scene of London made me miss my life with Julian that we had there, and all the fun we had there. How safe I felt, probably because I knew I had him to watch out for me. Sure, Alex was there more often than I liked, but he wouldn't ever say anything obviously mean in front of Julian. He would make comments that would "take the piss" but were so clever that J would laugh (I would have laughed too if it weren't about me, and when I have heard Alex make fun of other people I always laughed even if it was mean) and I could never come up with a smart comeback. It just made me feel stupid.

Anyway, I could hardly move. On Sunday evening I asked my next door neighbor, Pat, who's retired, to go out and get me some Ben & Jerry's and chardonnay and a pack of Marlboro Ultra Lights; he was only too happy to do it since I took care of Stan, his Siamese cat, last month. Pat brought back 6 tubs of assorted ice cream flavors, 3 bottles of wine and two packs of cigarettes. He also offered to roll me a joint, since he has a medical marijuana certificate, but I said no. (Although I might change my mind.) I spent Sunday night eating Chunky Monkey and drinking wine and smoking inside my apartment, which I never do. I mean, I basically quit when I came back to America from my year in Bristol, but I do have the occasional "crafty fag" when I have a drink.

I started calling Julian at 1am, and kept calling until I guess I passed out at 4am. He never answered. I left a couple of messages saying I was sorry and begging him to call me to talk things out. I woke up on Monday morning at the usual time because Tibbs sat on my head to get me to feed him. I called into work and told them I was having a personal issue and that I would need to take two days off. John, my boss, called me back at 9am (I had been calling Julian when he called, and had to hurriedly finish a message to J asking him to call back) and asked if it was okay if he asked what the problem was. I said I had never taken a personal day before (which is true) and that I didn't want to get into the details but it was wedding-related. He sounded relieved, and said "At least it wasn't a death!" I laughed a little, but I know it sounded hollow. I promised I would be in on Wednesday no matter what. I think John thought when I said it was wedding-related, that it was something like a caterer, and I am lucky to have him excuse me for something as silly as that, even if it wasn't actually something so silly.

I forgot to mention that I had talked to both Jen and Jenn on Sunday about what the hell happened with me being sent home with Sean. I had them both on a conference call because it was painful enough to talk about it once, I didn't want to have to go over it individually. Jenn said she honestly didn't know ANYTHING about Julian not wanting me to see Sean, or what J's concerns were. Jen said the same thing, and said she felt like a fool for not seeing that Sean had feelings for me. Jenn said that was ridiculous, that J was acting like a possessive asshole who couldn't stand that his "woman" might have a male friend. Jen told her to think about it from the other way around -- what if Dan (Jenn's boyfriend) had a best friend who was a girl, and what if Jenn had to be away from Dan for six months or more, and Dan kept telling her all these stories about all the amazing times he was having with this friend? Jenn told her that men and women can be platonic friends, and that the idea that sex always gets in the way is a lie. Jen asked for a reference for this, and then said "And Wikipedia is NOT a reference!"

I asked why I was allowed to go home with Sean and not Caitlin, and Jenn told me the whole story.  I was too drunk to realize this, but she had gone home with Scott Dell (holy crap, Scott Dell! How random! I went on one date with him senior year), who was at the bar but not at our party. He was there with other people, and Caitlin walked by and he recognized her right away. She stopped by to tell Jen and Sean that Scott Dell was here, and that she would be right back, but she never returned and they figured out what must have happened. Caitlin wasn't around for me to stay at her place when it was clear I had had enough, so Sean had said he would be more than happy to put the birthday girl to bed. Jen thought that sounded like a great idea, especially since he only lives a ten minute drive from the bar. Apparently I agreed with this, and said something like "Sean always takes care of me, you're AMAAAAZING." (Ugh, how embarrassing.)

So Jenn is mad at me for what she calls being a "submissive little wifey" to Julian, and Jen is taking my side and is not talking to Jenn right now, even though I said I didn't care, and Jenn is still talking to me anyway (and she brought more ice cream today). Sean tried calling me a gazillion times on Sunday, and sent a whole bunch of texts, but I didn't answer any of them. He apologized for putting me in an uncomfortable position, and said he didn't want to make things bad between J and me. I really doubt that.

So Monday was a total disaster. J wouldn't call me and wouldn't take my calls or answer any of the emails I sent him. Today was almost identical -- ice cream, Lifetime Movie Network, cigarettes, but this time I had some coffee (Pat made some and brought it by) too. All I could think about was how could I be so stupid? Was I really throwing away everything with Julian because I am really bad about telling people no? And then I realized that I HAD told Sean to leave me alone, and that Julian didn't want me seeing him, and that he was just going too far, and Sean STILL took me back to his! What was he doing? It's not like Sean and I have anything sexual -- we didn't even have sex for Christ's sake when we went out -- so what was he doing? Well, since I'm not speaking to him right now I just don't know, and I doubt he would tell me the truth anyway. Julian must be right about him.

I had pretty much decided that Julian wasn't going to answer my calls by 2pm my time, 10pm his. So when I tried once again at 2:15 and he picked up, I thought my heart was going to burst out of my body. He said my name, and I thought I would melt or burn up, I don't know, it felt like I was aware of every vein in my body. He sounded a little drunk, and I could hear a TV or something in the background. I told him I missed him SO much, and how sorry I am and how badly behaved, and it all just rushed out about how I was not going to see Sean ever again and how I had told the Jen(n)s not to let Sean anywhere near me and how Caitlin had hooked up with Scott Dell... And then he interrupted me and told me he didn't want to lose me, that I had no idea what I meant to him, what having me as his wife would mean, and that he didn't care what Alex thought of me. That the past -- my past -- was not my future, and that I would never, ever again cheat on him like I did back in Bristol. (Oh god, are we going to have to go there? I have a feeling I am going to have to write about that.) That he had gotten one over on [name deleted] in the end by getting me back in his bed (*cringe*) and that he was certain [name deleted] was still jealous after all these years.

I asked where he was, and he said Alex's flat in Chelsea. Total bachelor pad, filled with every gadget ever invented. Even though I was so happy to talk to J, knowing he was at Alex's filled me with so much anger -- I bet I know why Julian hadn't answered his phone in 48 hours. He probably had Alex filling his head with all sorts of crap about once a slut, always a slut, or how I was only in it for the money, or any of the lovely things I know he says about me. Julian would have been in the right mental space to listen to those things and believe them. Then I heard Alex in the background, saying something like "Is that your wayward tart, young Mr. Cranford? Hang up, she's not worth it. Anyway, the bordeaux's probably breathed enough to drink now."

Julian told me he had to go, but that he would call me around 1am my time. Which it almost is. Another twenty minutes to go! Is it too much to hope that he has forgiven me? Oh god, I need a break here.

Trust.

I’m finding it so hard to write this, about what I did last night, about what happened this morning, and I don’t know how I can start. I want to talk about the wonderful things that happened yesterday but I feel like by even talking about having fun it somehow makes it seem like I don’t understand how serious the consequences of my stupid, stupid, stupid actions are. If I were Julian, I wouldn’t blame him if he told me he couldn’t handle the stress of having such an irresponsible fiancé anymore and ended it. I keep violating his trust again and again and even though I totally don’t mean to do it… I go ahead and get myself into situations where I compromise it anyway. I don’t know how I manage to do this. I always saw myself as the capable one, the responsible one, and now I just don’t know anymore.

Okay, stop. Let me start at the beginning, where at least there was some happiness. I had had a great time at the Blue Room, as I blogged about in my last post. Of course I was kind of upset when I got that email from Alex, but I read the comments that my readers left (can’t you just make up a name instead of leaving it anonymous? :) ) and decided that yeah, Alex was just trying to get me irritated. Someday, maybe, hopefully, I will be able to blog about why I think Alex hates me so much. It’s a very long story and I don’t want to talk about it today.

When Julian called me the morning after (SO thankful no hangover!) to wish me a happy birthday, I asked if he had seen the post and he said he had. He told me that he will speak to Alex about it and warn him that one more email or comment like this and Alex can forget about going to Anguilla on their “lads’ holiday” scheduled for September. J assured me that he will try as hard as he can to keep Alex in line, but ultimately he can’t control what Alex says to me, no more than he can control what I choose to do about my friendship with Sean. I said, well, at least you know that I don’t mean you any harm, and I swear I could hear him smile over the phone. He called me his sweet budgie and told me to have a beautiful day shopping for my dress, and that he couldn’t wait to see me in it on our wedding day. He had sent me the most beautiful birthday present – a very simple vintage tiara and earrings (“drops” he called them) which his mother wore at her wedding. Of course, it isn’t really a gift in the sense that I will only be taking care of these until the next generation comes along (*blush*), but I feel like a real princess. My dad has taken them and put them in his safe because he said he could not deal with the wrath of Jocasta if I managed to knock the tiara into a cat food dish or put an earring down the garbage disposal.

Mom came by around 10.30 and we met Jenn at a bridal shop in South Pasadena. I had told my mom I wanted to go to Monique Lhullier but she said just trust her, we should try a place that had multiple designers so I would have more choice. I had SO much fun trying on dresses (I think I tried on 12) – some of them looked terrible on me. As I thought, the whole mermaid-style dress looked bad on me, and anything that had a lot of lace just made me look like I was swallowed up. And then we found it. I found it! I won’t post the picture here (oh god, this is assuming I am still getting married, this is crazy, I just put down a down payment on a dress I may never need) because Julian does read this, so if you google “Amy Kuschel” and look for the Mae dress you’ll see it. I put it on and it made me feel like this is all for real and I kind of felt in shock. Jenn jumped up and hugged me and my mother, my tough feminist mother, even managed to drop at least one tear. I have to go back in about 3-4 months for a fitting, and I didn’t feel like looking for accessories just then so we left to go have lunch at Louise’s in Pasadena Old Town for my birthday. They toasted me with a glass of Prosecco and I even managed to eat an entire plate of Fettucine Alfredo, which made my mother smile even more.

Jenn came back with me to my apartment – it was 3.30 by that point – so we could get ready for my surprise, wherever it was. We hadn’t done a real girly getting ready thing like that in a long time and it was so much fun. We drank champagne (Jen was coming by later to pick us up so I wasn’t worried about driving) and Jenn curled my hair. I wore this green Anthropologie top with Grecian-style draping in the front, and slim black pants with my favorite kitten heel mules. Jen had on a sleeveless fuchsia wrap dress and gladiator sandals. I think we looked pretty great! I love the green top because it makes my eyes look more green, and is very flattering to my chest. Jen came by at 7, but before I could get in the car she put a blindfold on me and said I couldn’t take it off until we got to our destination. Take it from me – getting stuck on the 110 with a blindfold on is no fun, and Jen said I could keep it off until we hit the 10, since I knew we were going to the Westside anyway. I did as I was told.

After what seemed like forever, we got to the destination. Jen and Jenn took my arms and led me inside somewhere loud. I had no idea where I was! I heard Jen say, “Okay, 1…2…3…” and she ripped off my blindfold. I was in a very dark bar that looked familiar, but more importantly about 12 of my friends were there screaming “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELISSA!!!” I was laughing and crying at the same time, and the Jen(n)s grabbed me in a big hug and kissed my cheeks. I then realized where I was – I was at the Backstage Bar in Culver City! I hadn’t been here in AGES and I had really, really missed it. If the Blue Room is how Burbank does dive bar, this is how it’s done in Culver City and they do it RIGHT. Cheap drinks, the best mac and cheese and garlic fries ever, and yes, karaoke!

The staff were great and really took care of us, bringing us food when we needed it (and since Jason and Chris were there, it seemed like we always needed more of it) and a constant supply of drinks and jello shots.  All the girls wanted to know if I got “the dress” and when I said I had found it, we looked it up on someone’s iphone so they could all see. Maddy said she still couldn’t believe it, that I was getting married to Julian, and how much my life was going to change, and how much she envied me getting to quit work. I am lucky, I know, and I think a lot of girls would like to trade places with me, but it really is going to be hard work being “just a wife”.

And then something happened. Sean walked in.

Why was I surprised – that he was here, that he was late? I hadn’t banned Sean from this party, hadn’t told Jen I couldn’t see him. Sean just smiled his great big grin and walked straight over to where I was sitting, sat down next to me and hugged me very close. Too close, given what Julian and I had discussed. “Happy Birthday, Little Em,” he said in my ear. I didn’t like how that felt, it felt too intimate, now that Julian had told me that he felt Sean was still after me. I kind of froze in his hug, and he could tell something was up. I said nothing, and he said he didn’t believe me. Just then Maddy came over and sat in Sean’s lap so I got a break.
It kind of gets a bit hazy after then. I remember more jello shots and some gin and tonics in honor of Julian (Sean even led the toast) and singing “Like a Virgin” and “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera. I remember being outside the bar with Jenn, smoking a cigarette, and Sean coming out to talk to me, and then me telling him why won’t you just leave me alone I’m getting married and I love you but I’m not in love with you and Julian thinks you’re trying to get in my pants and what the hell am I supposed to do with you? I remember Caitlin holding my hair back in the restroom so I could be sick. I remember crying a lot and laughing a lot too, but I don’t know what order that was in. I remember looking for my bag and getting in a car and talking to whoever was driving and lying down on a sofa.

My phone rang at 9am – it was right next to my head so I grabbed it and answered. It was Julian, calling to wish me a happy day-after-birthday. “How is Melissa this morning?” I groaned. “That good?” he said. And then I opened my eyes. I wasn’t home, or at Caitlin’s, where I was supposed to be staying, but I knew where I was. I was on Sean’s couch, under Sean’s blanket. I was thankfully still completely clothed. I didn’t answer Julian, and he sensed something was up.

J: Melissa, what’s the matter?
M: Julian…
J: What’s wrong? I can tell something is not right.
M: I don’t know what happened Julian, I guess I got really drunk… I can hardly remember what happened after a point. We were all having such a good time at the Backstage Bar –
J: Oh GOD, you went to that dump?
M: It was fun, and everyone was there –
J: By that I take it you mean Sean too.
M: Yes, sweetie. But I didn’t invite him. And nothing happened! I even told him to leave me alone, I think.
J: Well, I forgive you. It wasn’t your fault; you weren’t to know Jen would do something so monumentally boneheaded as to invite that lummox.
M: But J, I do need to tell you something. You want me to be honest with you about me, right?
J: I do not like the sound of this Melissa.
M: I guess I got really drunk last night, so I had to stay at someone’s place. Oh Julian, I don’t know how this happened.
J: Please, Melissa. Please don’t say this to me.
M: I’m wearing all my clothes! Nothing happened!
J: I have no way of knowing what you are saying is true, no way more than you do. By your own admission, you were so drunk that you don’t even remember what happened. How can you know he didn’t touch you or kiss you? You are my FIANCE, Melissa. You are about to be my WIFE. You cannot do this anymore.
M: I didn’t mean to!
J: Whether you meant to or not is immaterial, Melissa. You are not in college anymore, dating and sleeping around –
M: I never slept around!
J: You slept with [name deleted] didn’t you! After we had started seeing each other!
M: That was a mistake!
J: Yes, just like this was a “mistake.” Melissa, if you want any chance of saving your relationship with me – and god knows why I want to save mine with you after all you have put me through, and how I will seem on your stupid blog after you post this “mistake” – you will take your bag and walk out of that apartment right now. While you are on the phone with me. Do you understand?
M: Yes, honey.
J: Do you have your bag?
M: Yes honey.
J: Are you leaving?
M: Should I leave a note?
J: Of course you shouldn’t leave a note!
M: Okay.
J: I am putting you on hold and calling you a car. Where are you? [I told him.]
I waited on hold for a while, and Julian came back on.
J: A car will be with you in 15 minutes. Are you safe where you are?
M: It’s Culver City, not South Central!
J: I mean from him.
M: Oh yes, I walked around the corner.
J: Fine. Are you paying attention to me, Melissa? Listen. I am putting down the phone now and you will not hear from me until I can decide whether you are worth the pain you are putting me through. Did I not threaten to cut off my best friend for you? What have you done for me? You continue to break promises you make to me, again and again. I have to decide whether I can trust you again. What is a marriage without trust, Melissa?
M: I don’t know.
J: It isn’t a marriage. You wait there for the car. Send me a text when you get in the car and when you get home. I don’t know when I will speak to you next but take care, my darling. I love you.

I am home now, and I seem to have cried for three hours. I have nearly thrown it all away because I can’t say no to people, can’t be clear about what I want and how I want it. Please, please, don’t let this be the end. I’m sorry this post is so long, but there was so much to say.

drunken meandering?

Okay, maybe I had one more than I expected but here I am still trying. Nice stuff first -- we went to the Blue Room which has been my favorite place to get hammered for a long time. Jenn likes it because she can smoke on the patio. I had a couple of cigarettes -- fags to J -- and now feel like death but the drinks were sooo good and strong. We met a party of Irish expats which was fun. Luckily Jenn had decided on cabs or we might be dead from drunk driving -- we drank a LOT.

But while I was there I got an email from Alex -- must have been 8am his time. Loser. He sent me this, which is the lyrics which he said was just from the British version of The Office but we all realized meant so much more (here is me pasting them):

Ever seen a blind man cross the road
Trying to make the other side?
Ever seen a young girl growing old
Trying to make herself a bride?

So what becomes of you my love
When they have finally stripped you of
The handbags and the gladrags
That your poor old Grandad had to sweat to buy you

Once I was a young man
And all I thought I had to do was smile
Well you are still a young girl
And you've bought everything in style

So once you think you're in you're out
'Cause you don't mean a single thing without
The handbags and the gladrags
That your poor old Grandad had to sweat to buy you

Sing a song of six-pence for your sake
And drink a bottle full of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds in a cake
And bake 'em all in a pie

They told me you missed school today
So what I suggest you just throw them all away
The handbags and the gladrags
That your poor old Grandad had to sweat to buy

They told me you missed school today
So what I suggest you just throw them all away
The handbags and the gladrags
That your poor old Grandad had to sweat to buy you

I fucking hate Alex. :(

Getting it straighter

Just a quickie -- can I just say what a wonderful fiance I have? Julian, if you're reading this, I want to apologize for being so unfeeling and selfish the last few days. Thanks to a comment from one of my readers (I have readers!) I've spent a little time reflecting on how important my relationship with J is, and I have decided to put it first, before any other one I might have. We are signing up for life (I hope!) so I need for him to understand that I will put my own selfish needs -- and by that I mean my friendship with Sean -- behind me. Sean may have been part of what made me, well, me but going forward I need to make sure my fiance knows that I am his woman alone.

It will be kind of hard, since Sean's family is good friends with my own, and my parents see his regularly. Sean is also close to Jen. Much to her disappointment, Sean and Jen never got together in high school even though they were ALWAYS together -- one time, a few months after Sean and I had broken up, Jen asked me if he had actually been interested in kissing me, since she was definitely getting a gay vibe off of him. How could someone spend so much time with another person of the opposite sex and NOT at least try something? Just once? I told Jen she should be happy that she didn't have all that messy sexual tension getting in the way of what was obviously an awesome friendship. She told me that there WAS sexual tension, but it only seemed to be on her side! (lol) In the years since we've graduated, whatever Jen had for Sean went away (actually it went away the summer after graduation when she finally lost her virginity to Kyle Stinson). But just like with me, Sean is close to Jen, and since I'm close to Jen, it just seems inevitable that I will have to see Sean from time to time.

And then of course I only just reconnected with Sean after MONTHS of ignoring him, and it seems really mean to pop back into his life and then just disconnect again. My mother would hear from his mother, and then my mom would get on my back about this. She would say, "I never had to give up any of MY male friends when I married your dad. Your father would never DREAM of stopping me from seeing whomever I want, not that he could." She thinks Julian is old-fashioned, and thinks he tends to treat me like a child, but something about Julian manages to charm her every time. She gets SO mad, and she'll call him up (big mistake to have given her his number) to tell him to start treating her daughter like an adult and then she turns into a big sloppy mess after 5 minutes on the phone with him. I don't know how he does it, but Julian is the only man I have ever seen get my mom to change her mind. "I'll give you this, Melissa," she once said to me. "He may be a prig but he does know how to make a woman feel like a lady." I guess this was a compliment.

What is wrong with me? I don't even have to be at work tonight but here it is, 1:36AM and I am still up and on the computer. I can't sleep these days. I just want to focus on the happier stuff for a moment, okay? I am so psyched for gown shopping on Saturday... I have my eye on a Monique Lhullier gown (I'll see if I can find the picture tomorrow and post it) but I am open to many ideas. I know what I don't want -- no fishtails, not too much heavy lace or rhinestones, no feathers or thick ruffles or flounces. I want something clean and classic, maybe with a little vintage feel. I didn't get my lingerie in the end, since I wanted to choose the dress first, but Lila did sell me a very basic strapless basque to wear for the fitting. And a cute pair of panties. I couldn't help myself!!!

And... I haven't mentioned it but Saturday is also my 25th birthday. Hooray! Julian said to keep an eye out for the FedEx man at work tomorrow. Mom and Jenn are having lunch with me after the shopping (I was NOT going to be eating anything before trying on dresses -- nice try Mom!), then Jen and Jenn are taking me somewhere in the evening to celebrate -- it's a total surprise, all I know is it's somewhere on the Westside, so  I guess I will try to crash at Caitlin's in Venice. This is going to be such an amazing weekend and I'm so excited! So excited I obviously can't sleep though, so I'm going to take half an Ambien and try to get even a few hours now. We're having a little birthday thing at lunch today so it's not like I can take the day off. I just KNOW the next few days are going to be great!

It felt like summer.

Yesterday I took the new car (still thinking of a name -- it's definitely a he though!) to go see Sean and have a day trip to Malibu. I had a bit of a late start, because my friends were over until 3am and we drank a LOT of margaritas. I seem to recall Caitlin at one point saying that she was thinking about buying a Margaritaville machine if we were going to do this again. Which made everyone laugh hysterically and then Jenn knocked over a lamp. Caitlin went back to Jen's, which is only a ten minute walk from my place, but Jenn was passed out on my sofa and I couldn't get her to leave. I tucked a blanket over her and left my packet of Olay facial wipes near her hand so when she woke up she could get her make up off. I got up around 9 and Jenn was up too, watching E! and drinking coffee -- she had made a pot and I was SO thankful for it.

We talked a little about what had happened the night before, about the car and why we drank so many margaritas. Jenn is worried about me, and apparently so are Jen and Caitlin. Jenn said that she was kind of sick of hearing about Julian treating me like I was an idiot, and that the whole incident involving the car was yet another time when he was doing this. I told her that I didn't see it like that at all, and that I really liked that J was enough of a man to take control of things when I couldn't do something or didn't want to do something. She said they were worried that he was a control freak, and that I was losing track of who I was in an effort to please him all the time. I laughed, but inside it made me sad to think my friends didn't trust my fiance to know what was best for me. Jenn said that she loved me just as much as she had since we were in fifth grade together, but that she was concerned that Melissa was disappearing and soon only Mrs. Julian Cranford was going to be left. I told her that was ridiculous, that I was still me and that after all Julian was marrying me for me. She gave me a hug and told me that she would always be there for me, and to please remember to love her a little bit occasionally after I get married. I don't really know what that meant.

Jenn left around 11am, and I tidied up the place a bit and then called Sean. Sean had had a late night too and didn't mind us setting out later than we expected. I told him I'd be over around 3. I stopped off at the Ralphs on Lake and picked up a salad and some bread and some ice teas, and then hit the road down to Culver City. Even in the traffic, I felt amazing in the car. It was SUCH a beautiful day yesterday, and with the top down I just felt incredibly alive. And I noticed how many people were looking at me in the car -- that never happened in my Sentra!

I got to Sean's a bit after 3. He gave the car the Sean Seal of Approval. I told him he could drive to Malibu and I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head. He gave me a big hug and said, "Did I ever tell you how much I love you, Little Em?" (He calls me Little Em -- he's 6'2" and I'm 5'2".) Once we hit PCH, I had one of those moments, where you feel like you're in a movie. I mean, I grew up in Burbank, the so-called Entertainment Capital of the World, but I never lived like a movie star. Sure, I've cruised down PCH a gazillion times with friends and boyfriends, but always in our not-so-impressive cars, or we were all 17 and covered with acne or whatever. But right then, in this beautiful car with one of my best friends by my side, with glimpses of the ocean visible from the side of the road, and the sun just beating down, my hair tied back in a scarf (real Hermès, a present from Julian), it just seemed...perfect. And all the worries of the past few days -- about the car, about Julian complaining about me on VJ -- just seemed to be pointless.

We went to Zuma and had our now very late picnic there. Sean had brought plates and forks and a bag of Doritos, which he kept trying to force on me. He said I looked thin -- I said good! I am trying to get back down to a size 0 after putting on a few pounds from eating a lot of Chinese food, and I have a wedding dress to get into. (I was supposed to go dress shopping today but my mom had to cancel, which is fine by me since I have another few days to lose weight.) I told him he looked great, which was true. He laughed and said he felt great now that I was willing to be friends again. I asked him what that meant -- friends again? He just put his arm around me and said, "Oh Little Em, I just worry about you. After that crazy dinner at Don Cuco's I wasn't sure you were interested in me being a part of your life any more." I told him that I had just had to sort out how to balance my need to assure my fiance that the only man I'm in love with is him, with the kind of brotherly love I have for Sean. I said I was sorry for disappearing for a while, but I had to do it so when I was able to see Sean again I wasn't uncomfortable.

Sean and I used to go out. It was a long time ago, or long enough ago and with enough friendship after we broke up that it just never is an issue. We were 16 years old, babies! I don't think I loved Sean when we were dating (which only lasted 4 months) but I grew to love him in the years after. Sean has been the brother I never had, and was always there for me whenever anything went wrong. Before I met Julian, Sean was second only to my dad when it came to men. He knows me better than myself I think, sometimes.

We sat on the beach and talked for a long time. Sean told me about a girl he had met recently who he was seeing, and said he'd love me to meet her. "Don't worry though, Little Em. You're still my number one girl." I felt safe with Sean right then, that no matter what, Sean would always have my back. We talked about work, and the wedding, and a little about Julian. He seemed very interested in knowing how Julian was doing, and if he was loving me as much as I deserved. "He bought me the car, Sean! I think that shows how much he loves me." (I hadn't told him anything about the whole Mercedes issue -- not necessary to get him worried.) Sean just sighed and said, "Things aren't love, Melissa."

We decided not to stay for dinner -- I had fallen asleep on the beach while Sean got up to go get some more drinks from the stand. Sean said I looked exhausted and since I still needed to get back to Pasadena, it was probably best to head back early. I didn't argue, and let him drive back to Culver City. He asked me to come in for a coffee to wake up, but I said no, I'd better get on the road. I got home around 8.30, fed the cat and passed out fully clothed on the couch, just as Jenn had last night. I woke up at midnight when the phone rang -- Julian. I told him I was really tired, and could we postpone the call until later? J was worried, "Why so sleepy, darling?" I said I had had a really long day, about the girls the night before and then Malibu today. He asked how Sean was, and I said great. I wanted to get off the phone so I said, "He's met someone he seems to really like. I'm happy for him." Julian seemed much happier to let me finish the call after that, but not before he said, "I'm glad you're having fun with your car, darling. When I get there, of course we'll have to replace it, but you have fun with it this summer."

I have this summer left before everything changes.

Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea

(just sneaking away from Jenn, Jen and Caitlin who are making margaritas in my kitchen)

My car is awesome, amazing, terrific and nothjing I ever thought I would drive. I am so thankful to hgave a fiance who is helping to make so many of my dreams come true, not just because of the things like the car, but also because he just makes me feel more like a woman than any of my previous boyfriends have. I feel cherished, protected and loved. Whenever I start worrying if what I am doing is right (and my mother says that is perfectly understandable given my past with Julian) I think that wherever I am with him, I don't have to think about the hard stuff.

Going back to the kitchen for more margaritas. I took everyone for a spin on the 210 tonight and they all love it. We decided to have a 2 days late Cinco de Mayo party to celebrate and tomorrow I drive to Malibu to hang with Sean. Evreything seems so much better but maybe its all the tequila!

Mixed-up Melissa

Well.... Julian and I had as long a talk as I could handle at midnight my time, about the car, but also about what buying the car stood for, and I think I understand a bit better what he was so upset about. He was... surprised that I had listened to all the arguments he had made for the Mercedes and chosen to go my own way. A lot of his arguments made sense: safe, dependable, good resale value, prestigious, and practical for when we do start to have babies and dogs. I had listened to them and they all were as sensible as Julian's ideas almost always are. But when it came down to test-driving the Mercedes, I just didn't feel it. You know, it. I felt ten years older, with a car full of children, my hair a mess, wearing yoga pants and a T-shirt, on my way to drop the kids at school or ballet or whatever. I didn't feel like Melissa; I felt like her much older sister.

Julian asked me why I didn't just call him from the dealership if it was obvious I was having these sorts of doubts, because maybe he would have been able to steer me to something more to my taste, like a sedan. I told him that maybe I just was so overcome by that image of the two of us in the sun with the top down that I couldn't think beyond the Porsche. He seemed to soften a little at that, and said he loved me, scatterbrained and all, but I was going to have to tighten up my thinking. In the time we were apart, I mean broken up apart, not just living apart, he said he thought I had gotten used to thinking of myself first all the time, that I had gotten selfish. It was understandable given the circumstances, he said, but soon he was going to be living with me again, and he wasn't going home after 88 days. Our time together here had been kind of like a holiday, where we were just so happy to be together again we kind of just neglected a lot of the boring stuff. (I actually had to go to Target to go buy us clean underwear since I had been so lazy about the washing.) We had to start thinking like a couple, and thinking like a couple meant taking into account what the other half wanted. What if I went out and bought a house I liked in an area we hadn't agreed on? What if I decided I didn't want to have kids and got a hormonal implant? It is not just about me, he said. It's him and me.

And I can totally see his point. It was selfish of me, especially because I said I would call if anything went weird. I suppose he didn't think I was the one to go weird! I know he's still angry about it, but I am actually excited to pick up the keys tomorrow. I intend to show Julian that I am a good enough driver to deserve this car. He seems to have less faith in my abilities than any of my friends, who have never really complained before.

Enough of the sad! I am getting the car tomorrow and I am so excited! I sent my friend Sean a picture of the Porsche since he is really into cars, and he practically begged me to let him drive it. So this Saturday afternoon we are going to pack some lunch and drive out to Malibu, maybe get some dinner. Sean said it had been ages since we hung out, and it really has been -- god, have I seen him once since February? We're Facebook friends so we chat on there, and he only lives over in Culver City, it's not like he's in Texas or something. I guess it's just that I got so wrapped up in all the exciting stuff with getting back together with Julian, and then all the immigration stuff and the wedding, I kind of let a lot of people drop. I see Jenn and Jen fairly regularly because they both live in Pasadena, and they just bust their way into my apartment when they think I've been stuck inside too long. I know J is fond of Jenn and Jen, and is really glad that I have two good friends to take care of me.

Sean is another matter altogether. Hrrmmm. I introduced the two of them when Julian was over here at the beginning of the year; we had dinner at Don Cuco's in Burbank. I had had this feeling things were going to be difficult between the two of them, so I chose Don Cuco's because I always have a good time there. First off, on our way there, J announced that he didn't like Mexican food very much, but since it was me and it was so important for him to get along with Sean, he was willing to go there. Then Sean was 15 minutes late (like he always is) and since we were 10 minutes early (like we always are) it made it really uncomfortable from the start. Conversation was really awkward -- they had almost nothing in common except that they are both male. And have dated me at one point. But that was SO long ago, and it's not like I secretly want to get together with him -- if I did, why was I going through the bother of getting Julian here when Sean was less than 20 miles away?

After the dinner, J asked me if Sean was really important to me. I said yes he was. J said that because he was, he would allow me to see Sean. I got really freaked out about that -- "allow"? We had a BIG fight (Melissa: shouty; Julian: quiet) and he finally just about conceded that it was a bad choice of words, and that maybe the phrase should be "wouldn't object to me seeing Sean" from time to time. But I thought that if the man I loved was picking up on something I couldn't about my friend, it might be worth listening to him for a while. So I kept Sean at a distance until I felt that anything... weird between us had gone away. But I feel like now it has and I am so psyched to see him on Saturday! Dutch clients -- suck it! I am going to have some fun!

Also, I am working on a mix for Julian right now, some of our favorites and some stuff that just reminds me of our time in Bristol. I'll post when it's ready!

Sometimes...

...there's nothing like a girls' night out! After I get married, I won't be able to go out all the time with my friends so I am doing it as often as I can. (Then I feel guilty because I feel like I shouldn't feel that this is the end of my life... it's just the end of my old life!)

Anyway, I went out for sushi tonight with Jen and Jenn -- it got so confusing in the car when I was reading them their horoscopes off my Blackberry. I said "Jen, what's your sign again?" and Jen answered "Virgo!" and Jenn said "Taurus!" at the same time! So funny -- we were shaking with laughter. I had to refer to them by their last names which Jenn said made me sound like I was her old gym coach. We went to Zushi and OMG I am soooo full. I ate the Hungry Roll and the Ultimate Tuna Roll and a bit of Jen's Hot Night Roll. Good thing I skipped lunch! My stomach looks so big it looks like I'm five months pregnant!

Then we went to 21 Choices in Old Town Pasadena and had ice cream. I had chocolate with boysenberries mixed in. SOOOOO GOOD! Jen, Jenn and I sat on one of the benches and watched all the Occidental students. We felt so old! The whole time we were laughing -- I couldn't breathe when I asked Jen what she was having and I thought she said "Oreo with crab mixed in" -- so surreal. Jenn said the idea made her throw up a bit in her mouth.

Nearly midnight... nearly 8am where my baby is. I loved tonight but it will be so much better when it's us going to Zushi and 21 Choices.