Is it that time already?

I can't believe it but Julian and I just filed to remove conditions on his green card! Has it really been that long since his AOS was approved? I guess so! Luckily I remembered to save EVERYTHING we could possibly need as evidence. Photos (our wedding and honeymoon, our REAL honeymoon, vacation pictures, etc), utility bills, tax returns (omg I think I killed a forest!), joint bank account and credit card statements for the various accounts we have, our drivers licenses, AAA cards, and on and on and on...

So now we wait. Julian is of course getting really nervous about how long this is going to take. I try to remind him that the chance of him getting denied is almost zero, and anyway, it's not like we're faking this marriage. My dad said that if they ever wanted to investigate us, all they would have to do is watch us bicker like an old married couple, lol. It's just that J gets so irritated with anything having to do with immigration, and then I end up doing everything because he says "you're the American, you know how to do these things." Sigh.

I started working full-time again recently. Since we decided to put having children on the backburner for a few more years, it seemed stupid to have me doing nothing most of the time (I was still working 15-20 hours a week, just working with one client). Don't get me wrong, I liked being a mostly-housewife for the first year or so. I got to structure my weeks so I was in the office two days a week, and on call for emergencies. I visited friends in Boston and Texas, decorated the house, read a LOT, took some classes at Pasadena City College in design and jewelry making. I made a vegetable garden! I kept myself busy, but I didn't feel busy, if that makes any sense. I felt like I was just marking time.

So I told Julian that I wanted to go back to work full-time, if they would have me back. He wasn't 100% thrilled at first. I mean, he still thinks that what I want as a woman is to start having kids. But I'm still pretty young (I turned 28 last week!) and I want to experience more and see more. I want to have Julian all to myself, just a little longer. I want to still be able to go out with my friends until 2am and not have to worry about a babysitter. But anyway, more importantly, I just wasn't feeling like Melissa any more. I mean, some of that is good, since I'm no longer as crazy as I used to be (thank god for therapy!) but so much of who my parents raised me to be was to be a girl, a woman, who is not just a support for her husband but controls her own life. Working helps me be that woman.

And to be honest, I was just lonely a lot. Julian's work schedule is sometimes insane. He has to fly back to the UK more often than I like, even if it's just for a few days. Of course there's Skype and email and Vonage, but I miss having him actually be here with me. My house is big, too big for me and my cat. Julian reminds me that if I could just settle down a little, and be ready to have children, I might not feel so lost. And empty.

But anyway, yes! Removing conditions, here we come!

A month away from blogging.

I have taken a break from this blog because I thought it was getting a little out of control. I was being attacked from every side, I was accused of all sorts of terrible and untrue things, and it was hurting my relationship with Julian. As I'm sure everyone saw, he accused me of still being in love with someone else, and the reason that was the case was because people who commented on the blog put that idea in his head, or at least encouraged it. It took a lot of talking and a long weekend in London for me to calm him down. Yes, I actually did something and didn't blog about it or post it on VJ! Unbelievable!

So yes, we took some time to really look at our relationship and try to understand why we are doing what we're doing, getting married and settling in America. We really love each other and want to be with each other as partners, and we really don't care if people on VJ don't like us. We also won't stop posting on VJ just because people don't like us. All of the attacks have made us stronger and closer and even more in love than ever before. Just because you don't understand our relationship doesn't mean it isn't one that works for us.

And I saw Alex when I was there -- before you jump to any conclusions, Julian was with me and it was just dinner. I wanted to put all the old history behind me and really try to be his friend again. He has given me a lot of support over the past couple of months, after really despising me for a while. Many people have asked how he could go from being so hateful to so protective of me. I'll just say this. It's a cliche that love and hate are not opposites but are closer together than people think. Alex loved me once (or something like love) and although he still thinks us getting married isn't a great idea, he cares about his friends (yes, "friends", both J and me) and doesn't want to bring us pain. After Julian really talked to him about how important it was for Alex to stop hurting me both for my sake and for the sake of Julian and Alex's friendship, Alex pulled back. I think we're kind of at a stage now that I can live with.

I'm moving into the house soon. We closed on the house recently, but I have been kind of lazy getting the few things I have into the new place. It just feels so big and impersonal compared to my little apartment. Tibbs and I will feel kind of lost in there until Julian gets here. What else? Work is still going well, although Dana and I are absolutely NOT speaking to each other now. She complained to John, my boss, that I don't do anywhere near as much work as she does because I am constantly on the phone to Julian (my own phone, by the way, when I call him -- work does NOT pay for these calls). So John of course had to look into it, which was humiliating. John was pretty satisfied that I don't abuse my time here, but he asked me to make personal calls in an empty meeting room for the time being. Can you believe that? Dana of course thinks she's won. I hate that stupid bitch.


So that's about it for the meantime. I'm going to try to start blogging again a little since it really does help me get some of the stuff out that bothers me. I want to write about Jen and Jenn, who have been like the sisters I really wanted (not Rachel, who I'm STILL having problems with), but I really need to go to the Americana to go pick up this thing from Anthropologie for a friend's birthday party tonight. Maybe later.

Sorry

I haven't posted in a while, I know. There are a couple of reasons for this, some happy and some I could do without. I think I'll deal with the not-so-happy ones first. I am sick of the really negative and frankly rude comments I get on here. I have been accused of sleeping with my fiance's best friend, being an attention-seeker, being a gold-digger, drinking too much, getting addicted to pills... and the list goes on. And on. And on. And it has started seeping over on to VJ, where I can't even ask a question any more without getting attacked. And when I had an issue with Blogger -- which I have complained about in the past, with comments getting turned OFF and blocked beyond my control -- I got accused of turning anonymous comments back on. I left all your hurtful comments up there so you can see how ridiculous you sound. I won't even comment on the people who were saying borderline-stalker things.

So here is the deal with comments. I know you are all DYING to comment on my blog since you seem to like doing it so much. I am turning comments back ON but I will approve them all. If you are registered, your comment will be approved and I will post it. If you leave a name, I will probably post it. If you do not leave a name, and the comment is not attacking me, I will post it. Those are the rules. I'm not doing this because I'm an attention whore. I actually liked reading people's opinions, and I feel like the current system isn't working.

That's over. Phew. Back to real life. Well, we got our NOA2 last week, and now our case is at the National Visa Center (NVC). It got there on Monday, so I'm really hoping it will get sent to the London Embassy tomorrow or Friday. After it gets to the Embassy, everything really starts happening! Going by timelines, I think Julian should be getting his interview in October. It's a real pain, because I wanted to have an outdoor reception at my parents' house, but I don't think that is going to happen now. Assuming he gets his visa in mid-October, he still wants to wrap a lot of things up before he leaves. Which means that he will probably want to wait until Christmas to come over here, unless I can convince him otherwise. I told him that he should start wrapping things up NOW but he said he wants to wait until he has the visa.

But in the meantime, he has his LND number (his case number at London), which he needed to book his medical. He has one in about 3 weeks time. He also has been getting together all the other things he needs, like his birth certificate and his ACPO police certificate. He is also getting his "jabs" as he calls them updated so he won't need to do them at the medical. One of the VJ ladies (Jill) posted some GREAT info on how to speed up the process a little, and Julian has now downloaded all the forms he needs to send off when the Embassy contacts him to tell him to send his "Packet 3" back. We're all ready, we just need that P3!

Everything is going along well with the house. We're closing next week, but I will probably not move in completely until the end of the month so Rachel and I can start decorating. Rachel has been a little bit of a pain recently about the house. She promised months ago she would help me with the decoration and she seemed so excited. But now she says she doesn't have time for it, that her screenplay needs to be rewritten and she doesn't know how she can possibly be expected to do what is a favor to me when she is so busy. Busy? Ha! I know exactly what she is up to because she is so sloppy. I know for a fact that she is seeing a married man now, and I think he has something to do with her screenplay because I checked out his Facebook profile and he is in the business. It was soooo easy to figure out what was going on. All of a sudden, this older guy appears in her friends list, and she starts commenting on all of his posts, really flattering him. And he leaves cryptic little notes on her photos. It is so gross. If my parents knew, they would FREAK. But I will not say anything for the sake of family unity.

Oh god, and then Rachel was asking me about Alex! She saw a picture of him and Julian and me AGES ago when I emailed her one from Bristol, and she kept saying how hot he was, and did he have a castle or something. God, talk about gold diggers! I told her that Alex's family had a country house, yes, but they lost a lot of their money ages ago, and I bet they would want him to marry a nice rich American girl. Which she wasn't then (she was struggling to finish senior year) and isn't now (bartender). But since she's my friend on FB, and Alex is back on my FB list, she can see his pictures and she sent me an email about him with the subject line "Yum." She asked if it was really true he was going to be the best man, and was he single because she said she would totally do him. I said that that was completely believable, because there was hardly a guy out there she WOULDN'T do. She didn't talk to me for a couple of days after that. And of course I told Alex, who thought it was all really funny. I need to keep an eye on them during the wedding; I don't put it past my sister to try to sleep with him.

Hmmm. What else? Not much at the moment. Jenn and I are trying to see each other more and get over some of our issues. We had dinner the other night over at her place and it was pretty great, and she even managed to seem happier that Julian and I are getting married. Work is going all right; now it's August, all of Europe is on vacation so it's pretty quiet. I spend a lot of time thinking about what to do about my wedding. I made a couple of calls to local venues to see what I might be able to get around Christmas. There was an opening at a venue I really like on the 18th of December; Julian told me to reserve it just in case so I have today. He said to start doing the real planning now, getting back in touch with all the vendors I have already spoken to and put down deposits. I don't like the idea of December 18th though, but the next Saturday is Christmas Day and I don't want that either. Just stuck. But I suppose I will just get used to it.

So that means this weekend I'll be rethinking colors. AGAIN. If it's Christmas, I want something richer in color, maybe plum or dark green, with cream. Blah. But once I do, I have got to get everything going with the florist, and the bakery and everyone else. The invitations have been ready to go for ages and since they're just black engraved on white card I don't have to worry about colors. I just have to commit to a date. I guess I better make up my mind.

Changing things.

Part of me just wants to ignore every one of the words that was written here to hurt me, make fun of me, or belittle me. That's what Julian and some of my kinder readers have said to me here, on VJ and through PMs. But I would have to be a robot not to feel some hurt at what has been said.

Maybe I have chosen to make part of my life public, but I didn't MEAN to make it as public as I have, clearly. I meant for this to be a blog that I used to talk about what I'm going through with the visa. I mean, there are so many people on VJ who link to their blogs, and I never see THEM getting beaten up for what they write! I asked a simple question on VJ about whether I should close down comments because I knew if I asked here, I would just get attacked. Well, I got attacked on VJ as well.

So I have decided to make comments open only to those who register. If you really need to comment, you'll go through the trouble to register. Maybe it will make some people think before posting, and consider that I am a real life human being like you, with feelings and dreams and worries, just like you. If this blog is teaching me anything, it's that the people I have around me are a lot nicer than I had ever really appreciated.

I don't have a lot else to say right now; I miss Julian still so much. It looks like we will be closing on the house in a couple of weeks, and as soon as Julian and I have our names on the title I am giving notice on this apartment. Still waiting on our NOA2. Still at work, still dealing with Dana. Life just seems so much more dull without Julian around, and things I found interesting to talk about just aren't what I'm thinking about.

The only bright spot is that I have a good friend who is coming to visit next week -- totally a surprise! And something to distract me while I wait for my life to start again, whenever it is that God and USCIS let my fiance come home to me at last.

Something wrong with my comments

I have been trying to post this reply all night but something is wrong with my comments section. What I wanted to say was this:

I can't believe anyone could think Julian was trying to do anything but HELP me. I was going crazy with anxiety and he did what he had to do and took care of me. He got me in to see one of the best doctors in under a week and paid for that. He got his best friend to stop hassling me, and to even look out for me. He is not trying to control me, he is trying to make sure I am well enough to get through the next few months (and more). There is so much to do and I need to be well enough to do it. My life is changing right now and I need to face up to that.

And yes, I counted the pills and I am now about to take my eighth pill since Thursday. I will only be taking one a day for two more days, then half a one for a few days, then done. I'm on the Zoloft too but I don't expect to feel anything from that for a few weeks. I hope that getting to see Julian on Saturday will help also.

Edit: apparently this is an issue right now with Blogger and a lot of people are having problems with comments not showing up. If you post a comment, I can see them in email but they don't show up. If you want to post one, do it anyway and I will post them all when this is fixed. :)

Moving forward

I stayed away from my blog and from VJ all day yesterday, and it looks like everyone felt like they needed to make a comment on my life. Some of you people don't even sound real, you're so cruel. The person who said I wasn't loved as a child and that's why I make it seem like everyone's in love with me is so wrong I can't even believe it. I was and AM a very much loved daughter! My parents are always begging me to come home for dinner and I try to see them once a month. And yes, I think Sean does have a thing for me (you do not know our history) but I have made it very clear to him that we are friends. And yes, I used to see Alex and NO I did not have sex with him in Seattle! That is just speculation and hurtful. I can't understand how you people can be so spiteful.

(calming down)

I went to the doctor yesterday; I'll call him Dr. N. He was recommended by a friend of Alex's who lives out here in the LA area. He's supposed to be one of the best psychopharmacologists around, really listens to you and prescribes not just medication but also things like fish oil and yoga and medication. He believes in treating people holistically. I was really worried, because I have been seeing the same psychiatrist since I was 15, but he retired last year and I knew if I had to see one again it would be weird since I had been seeing Dr. P. (the old one) for close to ten years. But Alex said that Dr. N. was one of the best, and Julian offered to pay for me since Dr. N. doesn't take my insurance (and he isn't cheap). It was over in Beverly Hills which is a total nightmare to get to from Pasadena. I ended up being 20 minutes early, which was fine, since I had a ton of paperwork to fill out.

When I got to see Dr. N., he listened to me talk for twenty minutes about my current problems (visa, house, friend problems) and how I couldn't cope with it and I often ended up crying at work or at home, and how I sometimes drank a bottle of wine to just make the pain stop. I also told him about my long-standing anxiety issues and what had worked before. He diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and gave me a prescription for Zoloft for that, but he also said he could see I was in a lot of immediate anxiety so he gave me a prescription for Klonopin, which I've never had before. He also referred me to a therapist in my area for regular weekly sessions. I start next week.

So I went back to Pasadena and called Jen up and asked her to come over after her day was over to come and sit with me while I took my first dose of Klonopin since I had no idea what my reaction would be. She got to me about 6pm, and I took my first dose. It took about half an hour or so to kick in, but I started to feel really relaxed for the first time in months. It was like I was just spreading out, all the tension was just leaving and I felt loose and, well, like a puddle. Jen sat with me and we watched TV; well, she did, and I just kind of drifted in and out of consciousness. Wonderful!

I took today off too so I am at home and I just took a a dose, which really takes the edge off. I took it because I got the hard copy of the RFE notice. It turns out that I forgot to include enough proof of meeting in the past two years. I can't believe I forgot but apparently I didn't put in passport stamps that prove we have been together. What an idiot! I put in pictures and a long statement on how we met and all the time we have been together but I think I didn't include the passport stamps or anything that what VJ people call "primary" evidence. I think. Not really sure. I told Julian and he said he couldn't talk about it with me then but he would call me back. I just feel like it was really stupid but I guess the Klonopin is making me feel more like this just isn't a big deal after all. Alex just emailed me to see how I was doing and to give him a call. Since I can't talk to Julian I think I might do that. It would be good to hear his voice.

I'm back!

Wow, what a busy few days I have had. I keep trying to find some time to sit down and write something about what's been happening, but it seems like I am always busy or tired or out with friends. There's a thread on VJ right now on how to make the time go faster when you're apart from your loved one, and everyone says that keeping busy is the best way to speed things up. I totally agree!

I can't believe it's been four days since I got so upset at how people were treating me on the blog. It seems like ten years ago! I got so fed up with the lies and the way people were treating me like I was an idiot, and I did something really immature, which was go back and delete the comments because I felt like having them sit there on each post was too painful. Instead of ignoring them I lashed out and that was pretty stupid. I've lost the comments forever, which is kind of sad, I guess. Anyway, I had a lot of really great PMs from people through VJ (I won't share anyone's name) encouraging me to keep posting, that it's MY blog and I can do with it what I want, and not to feel bullied by people. Thank you SO much everyone who got in contact, and there were quite a few of you, so I know that I'm not as alone as I thought. What you had to say to me made me feel strong enough to stand up for myself and keep going. So... THANK YOU!!! You know who you are. I was really amazed that you were all willing to identify yourselves to me via VJ as well and I promise you I will not tell anyone (and I mean ANYONE *wink*) who you are.

So... what have I been up to? Well, number one, my allergies are acting up so I feel terrible, and my eyes are so watery sometimes. Thursday was a bit of a blah day. Dana actually sent me an email telling me I shouldn't be so "blatant" about all the wedding websites I was going on, and that it was really clear that I was spending about half my day looking at The Knot and the other half having "overheated conversations" with Julian on the phone. I can't believe how rude she was! I look at The Knot during lunch when I'm at my desk or when I'm on really boring conference calls or whatever, which is HARDLY half the day. And okay, maybe I do talk to Julian on the phone a lot, but we have so much going on right now with buying a house that of course we have to talk often! I mean, if Julian were living in, like, Santa Monica or whatever we would still need to talk frequently. God. I have tried to be better about looking at wedding websites though.

Which reminds me that I am totally drawing a blank on bridesmaids' dresses. I spent a lot of time looking at really expensive ones, and also at really cheap ones and I still couldn't tell the difference. Jen and Jenn sat down with me on Thursday night and we made an executive decision (seeing as they are maid of honor and bridesmaid) and we decided to do something really simple: we're going to go with something from J. Crew, so they actually have a chance of wearing the dresses after. No clue what style, but since it's .J Crew we can take our time. I emailed Stella and Veronique (who had no clue what J. Crew was, but I sent her a link) about my idea and they both seemed happy with the idea. When we decide what to go with, I will post the picture!

Friday, god. A lot of stuff. First, I think I found two houses that totally ticked all my boxes. And yes, one of them I at first rejected because I HATE the downstairs bathroom! I thought about it again and thought how stupid it is, considering I will be having Rachel help me decorate the place anyway. Following Julian's instructions, I won't be giving too much away about these houses, like where they are and exactly what features they have. (He is getting really paranoid, by the way, about when he comes over since people have been saying horrible things on VJ about him getting beat up. I told him not to be so silly, who would want to beat him up? But he actually asked me at one point if I wasn't sure I wanted to just cancel the K1 and file for a UK fiancée visa. He was so sweet and offered to fly my family and friends (within reason) out to London and we could have the reception wherever I wanted but I said no, we were so far along in the Process now we couldn't give up.)

Sorry. Anyway, yeah. Two houses. One is a four bed with two bathrooms (one I hate), a really great open plan space sort of like a huge living room, and a GORGEOUS kitchen with (I couldn't even believe it) an Aga stove like the one J's parents have in their house, except this one was almost new and in a dark red color. There was also an Aga dishwasher and fridge that matched. It was like a sign. Lots of beautiful original wood throughout and a fireplace. Out back there's a big yard that needs a lot of help but a nice pool and even a little pool cabana. Cute. This is number one on my list and it's in a great area.

Number two was five bedrooms and also in a good area. It's a lot newer than number one, but it's also a LOT larger. The bedrooms were huge, and two of them were already set up as studies with built-in shelves and lots of power outlets. The master bedroom had its own bathroom, and it had Victorian-style fixtures. Loved it. I called Julian right away and told him I had seen two possibles and he said that if I could find a third he would come over to start the process. Wow, I felt like I had to get going! It's been almost three months since we've seen each other and it's been so hard to be apart.

And then on Friday night -- and just in case anyone thinks I haven't told Julian this yet, I have -- I went out with Jen and we met up with Sean and Mack at Backstage Bar for karaoke. I wasn't exactly going to say that when I posted on Friday because I just wanted to post quickly about comments, and I was sure I was going to get a TON if I wrote, "Oh hi, I'm meeting Sean tonight." I felt really bad about how I had left it with Sean, I mean, we have been friends for years and our families are so close, so I guess I think I need to make things more normal. I still think he has a crush on me, but that doesn't mean we can't still be friends IF we always hang out in a group. Which is why I had Jen call Mack and ask him to get Sean to come out on Friday, and explained why we needed to meet up.

Anyway, it was great! Sean wasn't weird or creepy or anything, and we were able to laugh and joke and be normal again. Sean and I sang "Can't Stand Me Now" by the Libertines which was pretty hilarious because he is totally tone deaf! Mack and Jen got smashed, but since I was driving and had only had one beer (also good so I knew things weren't going to go anywhere I couldn't control with Sean)that was fine. I love Mack and Jen together and wish they could just figure out they would be perfect for each other, but I know Jen still has a thing for Sean, and since Mack is like Sean's best friend... I wonder if she thinks it's like cheating on Sean? I don't know. I've never asked her.

Jen ended up spending the night and in the morning, since she felt and looked like hell (I loaned her an ancient nightgown and a scrunchie) I went out to Winchells on Orange Grove and got coffee and donuts. We watched Doctor Who (her choice, not mine) and after we both managed to get dressed she came along to see another house with me. This one is farther out, not even in Pasadena, but the place looked so great I said OK. I don't know, it was huge, with five beds and three and a half baths, and the big living room, big kitchen, big pool and even a separate little guest house out back that his family or friends or whatever could stay in. I didn't feel the "thing" though, but I thought Julian would want to see this one so I thought fine. Here we go, three houses! But by the time I had decided this, it was around 10pm his time, and he was out with Alex so I knew better than to bother him. If he had been out with just James and Charlie (who I knew were going to be there), it would have been another matter because they are both so nice to me and actually think that it's great that Julian is marrying me. Like normal people! (Which they totally are.) But with Alex there who knows anymore what he's going to say that will set Julian off. God, I wish he would just get rid of him.

Saturday night was really chilled out. I was over at Jenn's, and we cooked chicken cacciatore and had a bottle of wine. I got home pretty late and since I had decided after reading a PM from a VJer that I wanted to open anonymous comments again, that's what I did! I felt really positive about this, as I said above, and I think I'm ready to take on the anonymouses again. Today was mellow, and I cleaned the apartment a little and posted once or twice on VJ. I spoke to J when I woke up to tell him I had three houses, and I gave him all the details of the houses and the agent. He was THRILLED at all of them, and he said he would be in touch with his solicitor on Monday to see what needs to be done to get a lawyer over here to handle the sale.

And... Julian is coming to see me! Not sure of the date yet, but he said in about three weeks. Which would be about the 11th or so of July. Can. Not. Wait!!! I checked again with the realtor and she said that there wasn't a lot of movement at our price level so it was unlikely that any of these houses were going to move before Julian could make it over here, and that interest had been pretty low. So hooray! SO much going right at the moment.

The only thing that is really bothering me is that J says I need to fix things with Alex because he wants to have him as his best man at the wedding. I thought I was hallucinating when I heard him say that and had him say it again. Yeah, Julian wants Alex to be his best man. I mean, on one level I totally understand it because Alex IS his best friend after all. But with everything that went between us in the past I can't understand how he can do this to me. Julian said it was all ancient history, and that Alex and I need to grow up, both of us, and put it in the past. That we both owe it to him, since he has behaved so well considering what kind of position we put him in. And I think he's right. I am willing to stop feeling so much confusion about Alex and anger and whatever if he's willing to stop sending me nasty things and calling me up (like I don't know it's him) at 4 in the morning. It has been about a week since he's done anything like that, so maybe he's trying to as well. If he is, then I'd be happy to put all of it away for the sake of Julian and what is HIS big day too, after all. Julian says he has some idea about how to make it better, but he needs to figure it out. Hopefully it will just be like a conference call or whatever, or maybe he'll get Alex hypnotized for the wedding to behave! LOL

Yeah, so hey! I'm back!

Another update on comments

I only just got home and am too tired to do a real post (a LOT of stuff has happened in the past few days so I will definitely post tomorrow) but I wanted to say comments are open again. Even anonymous ones. I got a PM on VJ that convinced me this was the right thing to do. So please try to be polite!

Till tomorrow.

Update

I have decided to open comments again, since I've calmed down a lot. If you want to comment, you will need to either have a Google Account. LiveJournal ID or OpenID. (I think.) No more anonymous posting for the time being.

Just about to have dinner with Jen but I will write a real post later tonight. I think I may have just found THE house!

This blog.

So I had a think about it and I have decided to close comments down on this blog until further notice. I read all of them from the past couple of days again and again and they all made me upset. I've removed all the comments from the last two posts and if I decide to make commenting available in the future, it will only be to registered people. I'm sorry but I've had enough for a while. Go laugh at someone else.

What am I supposed to say?

Well, this post was supposed to be about my annual appraisal, but I guess I will have to just deal with that by saying it went well. Really well, thanks to John giving an excellent review on my work during the last year. I have been approved to go part-time after I get back from my honeymoon in St. John, and I can even work extra hours from home if I want to. I was the only person in my rank to walk out of that conference room this week with a smile on her face, laughing with her boss. I knew everyone was watching, so it made me feel a little guilty because so many people had not had pleasant experiences, but I figured that this was MY life and I wanted to enjoy the moment for as long as it lasts.

So what this post is really about is this: I am thinking about stopping this blog. I'm not ashamed about anything I'm writing, and Julian has no objection to what I write or how I write it. I just think that what people are saying in the comments section is getting out of control. My fiancé has been called gay repeatedly, his best friend too, my fiancé has attacked my friend there, people are quoting from a movie that has Cameron Diaz in it... It's getting crazy and I just can't handle it on top of everything else. I'm trying to plan a wedding, buy a house, handle the bureaucracy of US immigration, deal with my mother who keeps begging me to come home for dinner, screen phone calls from people I don't want to have anything to do with anymore (Sean, Alex), see my friends and go to work and perform there.

I started this so I could process some really difficult emotions and talk about difficult things, and I think I have been able to do that. But I never dreamed that so many people would care about what I am doing, people who have never met me or my fiancé but have very strong opinions about who we are and what we are doing. And these people won't even identify themselves most of the time! I think if I keep doing this blog, I am going to change it so I don't get anonymous comments anymore. I think if you're going to say something to me about MY life, you should at least let me know who you are!

I spoke to Julian about his comment to Maven. I told him I was shocked at what he wrote and asked him why he wrote such a horrible thing. He said he was out with Alex in some bar in Soho, and they were pretty drunk. Alex showed him my most recent post and the comments that were on it, and Alex said something like, "That friend of Melissa's sounds like she's a goer from what Melissa told you about her. Looks like she might be up for something when you get out there." It really rubbed Julian the wrong way, because he'd already said he thought she was a bad influence on me, which he also told Alex. Alex said that perhaps Julian needed to show this woman who was boss then and to mark his territory, so Julian posted that horrible thing, but I know now it was just because Alex put him up to it and he was SO drunk. Julian apologized to me (!) and said it wouldn't happen again. He also said he would email Maven and say he was sorry, but she's flying back to LA all day today so I doubt she's even seen this yet.

And all because of this stupid, stupid blog! The whole incident on VJ last week where Julian got suspended would NEVER have happened if people who read this didn't start attacking him with what they think are "facts" about him and me. You don't know me and you don't know what my life and real, true love for Julian is like! I don't care what you think you know -- like the person who said I am being emotionally and economically abused, or the people who think that Alex is in love with Julian -- it's not true! Julian is sweet and cares for me SO much, and never withholds money from me. He always makes sure I have money when I need it, but I hate to ask because I prefer right now, while I am still single, to take care of myself as much as possible. Sure, the car was something I accepted, but I did that because it was something for both of us. So is the house. It's HIS money, so of course he should have a bigger say than me on where the house is! Maybe it's just a little old-fashioned for some people, having a relationship where the man takes responsibility for the big choices in life and makes the money, while the woman is free to be at home and explore a life outside of the workplace. What works for us may not work for you, OK?

But there are still some things I want to keep private. There are things I do not talk about on here, because they are embarrassing to me for what I have done to Julian. He told me that I shouldn't be ashamed of what I have done in the past because every time I do something wrong I tell him and he will always, ALWAYS forgive me. Sometimes it takes longer than others, like over the thing with Sean, but he always does. I am very lucky I ended up with him and not Alex, who tore my heart out and walked on it, and who likes to remind me of how humiliating that was. Between the two of them, I know I made the right choice.

So this may be the last from me for a while. I need to think about all of this and I really need to talk to Julian again.