A month away from blogging.

I have taken a break from this blog because I thought it was getting a little out of control. I was being attacked from every side, I was accused of all sorts of terrible and untrue things, and it was hurting my relationship with Julian. As I'm sure everyone saw, he accused me of still being in love with someone else, and the reason that was the case was because people who commented on the blog put that idea in his head, or at least encouraged it. It took a lot of talking and a long weekend in London for me to calm him down. Yes, I actually did something and didn't blog about it or post it on VJ! Unbelievable!

So yes, we took some time to really look at our relationship and try to understand why we are doing what we're doing, getting married and settling in America. We really love each other and want to be with each other as partners, and we really don't care if people on VJ don't like us. We also won't stop posting on VJ just because people don't like us. All of the attacks have made us stronger and closer and even more in love than ever before. Just because you don't understand our relationship doesn't mean it isn't one that works for us.

And I saw Alex when I was there -- before you jump to any conclusions, Julian was with me and it was just dinner. I wanted to put all the old history behind me and really try to be his friend again. He has given me a lot of support over the past couple of months, after really despising me for a while. Many people have asked how he could go from being so hateful to so protective of me. I'll just say this. It's a cliche that love and hate are not opposites but are closer together than people think. Alex loved me once (or something like love) and although he still thinks us getting married isn't a great idea, he cares about his friends (yes, "friends", both J and me) and doesn't want to bring us pain. After Julian really talked to him about how important it was for Alex to stop hurting me both for my sake and for the sake of Julian and Alex's friendship, Alex pulled back. I think we're kind of at a stage now that I can live with.

I'm moving into the house soon. We closed on the house recently, but I have been kind of lazy getting the few things I have into the new place. It just feels so big and impersonal compared to my little apartment. Tibbs and I will feel kind of lost in there until Julian gets here. What else? Work is still going well, although Dana and I are absolutely NOT speaking to each other now. She complained to John, my boss, that I don't do anywhere near as much work as she does because I am constantly on the phone to Julian (my own phone, by the way, when I call him -- work does NOT pay for these calls). So John of course had to look into it, which was humiliating. John was pretty satisfied that I don't abuse my time here, but he asked me to make personal calls in an empty meeting room for the time being. Can you believe that? Dana of course thinks she's won. I hate that stupid bitch.


So that's about it for the meantime. I'm going to try to start blogging again a little since it really does help me get some of the stuff out that bothers me. I want to write about Jen and Jenn, who have been like the sisters I really wanted (not Rachel, who I'm STILL having problems with), but I really need to go to the Americana to go pick up this thing from Anthropologie for a friend's birthday party tonight. Maybe later.

Sorry

I haven't posted in a while, I know. There are a couple of reasons for this, some happy and some I could do without. I think I'll deal with the not-so-happy ones first. I am sick of the really negative and frankly rude comments I get on here. I have been accused of sleeping with my fiance's best friend, being an attention-seeker, being a gold-digger, drinking too much, getting addicted to pills... and the list goes on. And on. And on. And it has started seeping over on to VJ, where I can't even ask a question any more without getting attacked. And when I had an issue with Blogger -- which I have complained about in the past, with comments getting turned OFF and blocked beyond my control -- I got accused of turning anonymous comments back on. I left all your hurtful comments up there so you can see how ridiculous you sound. I won't even comment on the people who were saying borderline-stalker things.

So here is the deal with comments. I know you are all DYING to comment on my blog since you seem to like doing it so much. I am turning comments back ON but I will approve them all. If you are registered, your comment will be approved and I will post it. If you leave a name, I will probably post it. If you do not leave a name, and the comment is not attacking me, I will post it. Those are the rules. I'm not doing this because I'm an attention whore. I actually liked reading people's opinions, and I feel like the current system isn't working.

That's over. Phew. Back to real life. Well, we got our NOA2 last week, and now our case is at the National Visa Center (NVC). It got there on Monday, so I'm really hoping it will get sent to the London Embassy tomorrow or Friday. After it gets to the Embassy, everything really starts happening! Going by timelines, I think Julian should be getting his interview in October. It's a real pain, because I wanted to have an outdoor reception at my parents' house, but I don't think that is going to happen now. Assuming he gets his visa in mid-October, he still wants to wrap a lot of things up before he leaves. Which means that he will probably want to wait until Christmas to come over here, unless I can convince him otherwise. I told him that he should start wrapping things up NOW but he said he wants to wait until he has the visa.

But in the meantime, he has his LND number (his case number at London), which he needed to book his medical. He has one in about 3 weeks time. He also has been getting together all the other things he needs, like his birth certificate and his ACPO police certificate. He is also getting his "jabs" as he calls them updated so he won't need to do them at the medical. One of the VJ ladies (Jill) posted some GREAT info on how to speed up the process a little, and Julian has now downloaded all the forms he needs to send off when the Embassy contacts him to tell him to send his "Packet 3" back. We're all ready, we just need that P3!

Everything is going along well with the house. We're closing next week, but I will probably not move in completely until the end of the month so Rachel and I can start decorating. Rachel has been a little bit of a pain recently about the house. She promised months ago she would help me with the decoration and she seemed so excited. But now she says she doesn't have time for it, that her screenplay needs to be rewritten and she doesn't know how she can possibly be expected to do what is a favor to me when she is so busy. Busy? Ha! I know exactly what she is up to because she is so sloppy. I know for a fact that she is seeing a married man now, and I think he has something to do with her screenplay because I checked out his Facebook profile and he is in the business. It was soooo easy to figure out what was going on. All of a sudden, this older guy appears in her friends list, and she starts commenting on all of his posts, really flattering him. And he leaves cryptic little notes on her photos. It is so gross. If my parents knew, they would FREAK. But I will not say anything for the sake of family unity.

Oh god, and then Rachel was asking me about Alex! She saw a picture of him and Julian and me AGES ago when I emailed her one from Bristol, and she kept saying how hot he was, and did he have a castle or something. God, talk about gold diggers! I told her that Alex's family had a country house, yes, but they lost a lot of their money ages ago, and I bet they would want him to marry a nice rich American girl. Which she wasn't then (she was struggling to finish senior year) and isn't now (bartender). But since she's my friend on FB, and Alex is back on my FB list, she can see his pictures and she sent me an email about him with the subject line "Yum." She asked if it was really true he was going to be the best man, and was he single because she said she would totally do him. I said that that was completely believable, because there was hardly a guy out there she WOULDN'T do. She didn't talk to me for a couple of days after that. And of course I told Alex, who thought it was all really funny. I need to keep an eye on them during the wedding; I don't put it past my sister to try to sleep with him.

Hmmm. What else? Not much at the moment. Jenn and I are trying to see each other more and get over some of our issues. We had dinner the other night over at her place and it was pretty great, and she even managed to seem happier that Julian and I are getting married. Work is going all right; now it's August, all of Europe is on vacation so it's pretty quiet. I spend a lot of time thinking about what to do about my wedding. I made a couple of calls to local venues to see what I might be able to get around Christmas. There was an opening at a venue I really like on the 18th of December; Julian told me to reserve it just in case so I have today. He said to start doing the real planning now, getting back in touch with all the vendors I have already spoken to and put down deposits. I don't like the idea of December 18th though, but the next Saturday is Christmas Day and I don't want that either. Just stuck. But I suppose I will just get used to it.

So that means this weekend I'll be rethinking colors. AGAIN. If it's Christmas, I want something richer in color, maybe plum or dark green, with cream. Blah. But once I do, I have got to get everything going with the florist, and the bakery and everyone else. The invitations have been ready to go for ages and since they're just black engraved on white card I don't have to worry about colors. I just have to commit to a date. I guess I better make up my mind.

Changing things.

Part of me just wants to ignore every one of the words that was written here to hurt me, make fun of me, or belittle me. That's what Julian and some of my kinder readers have said to me here, on VJ and through PMs. But I would have to be a robot not to feel some hurt at what has been said.

Maybe I have chosen to make part of my life public, but I didn't MEAN to make it as public as I have, clearly. I meant for this to be a blog that I used to talk about what I'm going through with the visa. I mean, there are so many people on VJ who link to their blogs, and I never see THEM getting beaten up for what they write! I asked a simple question on VJ about whether I should close down comments because I knew if I asked here, I would just get attacked. Well, I got attacked on VJ as well.

So I have decided to make comments open only to those who register. If you really need to comment, you'll go through the trouble to register. Maybe it will make some people think before posting, and consider that I am a real life human being like you, with feelings and dreams and worries, just like you. If this blog is teaching me anything, it's that the people I have around me are a lot nicer than I had ever really appreciated.

I don't have a lot else to say right now; I miss Julian still so much. It looks like we will be closing on the house in a couple of weeks, and as soon as Julian and I have our names on the title I am giving notice on this apartment. Still waiting on our NOA2. Still at work, still dealing with Dana. Life just seems so much more dull without Julian around, and things I found interesting to talk about just aren't what I'm thinking about.

The only bright spot is that I have a good friend who is coming to visit next week -- totally a surprise! And something to distract me while I wait for my life to start again, whenever it is that God and USCIS let my fiance come home to me at last.

Moving forward

I stayed away from my blog and from VJ all day yesterday, and it looks like everyone felt like they needed to make a comment on my life. Some of you people don't even sound real, you're so cruel. The person who said I wasn't loved as a child and that's why I make it seem like everyone's in love with me is so wrong I can't even believe it. I was and AM a very much loved daughter! My parents are always begging me to come home for dinner and I try to see them once a month. And yes, I think Sean does have a thing for me (you do not know our history) but I have made it very clear to him that we are friends. And yes, I used to see Alex and NO I did not have sex with him in Seattle! That is just speculation and hurtful. I can't understand how you people can be so spiteful.

(calming down)

I went to the doctor yesterday; I'll call him Dr. N. He was recommended by a friend of Alex's who lives out here in the LA area. He's supposed to be one of the best psychopharmacologists around, really listens to you and prescribes not just medication but also things like fish oil and yoga and medication. He believes in treating people holistically. I was really worried, because I have been seeing the same psychiatrist since I was 15, but he retired last year and I knew if I had to see one again it would be weird since I had been seeing Dr. P. (the old one) for close to ten years. But Alex said that Dr. N. was one of the best, and Julian offered to pay for me since Dr. N. doesn't take my insurance (and he isn't cheap). It was over in Beverly Hills which is a total nightmare to get to from Pasadena. I ended up being 20 minutes early, which was fine, since I had a ton of paperwork to fill out.

When I got to see Dr. N., he listened to me talk for twenty minutes about my current problems (visa, house, friend problems) and how I couldn't cope with it and I often ended up crying at work or at home, and how I sometimes drank a bottle of wine to just make the pain stop. I also told him about my long-standing anxiety issues and what had worked before. He diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and gave me a prescription for Zoloft for that, but he also said he could see I was in a lot of immediate anxiety so he gave me a prescription for Klonopin, which I've never had before. He also referred me to a therapist in my area for regular weekly sessions. I start next week.

So I went back to Pasadena and called Jen up and asked her to come over after her day was over to come and sit with me while I took my first dose of Klonopin since I had no idea what my reaction would be. She got to me about 6pm, and I took my first dose. It took about half an hour or so to kick in, but I started to feel really relaxed for the first time in months. It was like I was just spreading out, all the tension was just leaving and I felt loose and, well, like a puddle. Jen sat with me and we watched TV; well, she did, and I just kind of drifted in and out of consciousness. Wonderful!

I took today off too so I am at home and I just took a a dose, which really takes the edge off. I took it because I got the hard copy of the RFE notice. It turns out that I forgot to include enough proof of meeting in the past two years. I can't believe I forgot but apparently I didn't put in passport stamps that prove we have been together. What an idiot! I put in pictures and a long statement on how we met and all the time we have been together but I think I didn't include the passport stamps or anything that what VJ people call "primary" evidence. I think. Not really sure. I told Julian and he said he couldn't talk about it with me then but he would call me back. I just feel like it was really stupid but I guess the Klonopin is making me feel more like this just isn't a big deal after all. Alex just emailed me to see how I was doing and to give him a call. Since I can't talk to Julian I think I might do that. It would be good to hear his voice.

RFE Blues.

I wanted to post yesterday about how I feel like I had a breakthrough with getting along with Alex. And then I got the worst news. I have been logging in to the USCIS website to get updates on our case, and there have been touches. Lots of them, as I said before. But this time, there was something new. We had an RFE, a Request for Evidence, just like I thought might happen. Everyone on VJ has been so nice about this, really supportive, telling me that it isn't the end of the world and it will only slow me down a few weeks.

I know they mean to cheer me up, but at this point a few weeks feels like a few YEARS.  We have taken so long just to get here, went through two break ups (one which I thought was for good), and some other difficult stuff. I have tried to stay cheerful and positive (especially on VJ, where I feel like people enjoy attacking each other) but it has been so hard and I have failed to stay optimistic. Repeatedly. First, I couldn't reach Julian. I tried calling him, texting him, emailing him, and I couldn't reach him. He hasn't been on VJ in days so I couldn't even count on him looking at my posts. I know he had a work thing to do last night (his time) so that was part of it. I just wanted him to tell me it was all going to be OK, that this was just a bump and anyway he is coming here in under two weeks.

I tried until midnight his time, and then he called me back at 7am his time. I hadn't said in any of my messages what this was all about, because I wanted him to hear it from me. He asked what was going on that I called him 16 times last night when he had made it clear that he was at a business dinner and that if there were any real emergencies I was supposed to call his mother. (Believe me, I thought of that, but I can't bring myself to call her if I can avoid it.) I told him I had some really bad news.

J: Melissa, darling. What is it? Who died?

M: Oh Julian, I've been so stupid. So incredibly stupid. At least I think it was me. Maybe. I don't know.

J: Calm down. What did you do? Please, please don't say this has anything to do with Sean.

M: No! It's just... oh, Julian! We got an RFE!

J: What's an RFE?

M: You said you read all the guides on VJ! Oh Julian, it means that my petition hasn't been approved! I must have forgotten to put something in the package and they can't approve anything until I fix it.

J: You told me that everyone gets approved. Everyone! What did you do wrong, Melissa? How could be so bloody STUPID? I can't believe this.

M: I didn't mean to! I checked everything six times!

J: Well, you should have checked it seven times. Or had me check everything before I left California. You were almost finished with putting things together at that point. I could have checked it for you, and made sure it was perfect. I cannot believe I trusted you to do this. My mother was right -- I should have hired a lawyer to do this, not indulged you and let you be in charge.

M: Julian, I'm so sorry --

J: And now we're caught up in this system! This bloody typical American bureaucracy, all the red tape that goes with anything having to do with the government. You would not believe the red tape we have to deal with whenever we do a deal over in the States. It's ridiculous. And now you have stuck ME in the red tape because you can't read directions! It's probably because I'm British -- they probably have some Yank mentality about how many British people are allowed in. And this BP palaver certainly can't be helping.

M: Julian, I'm sure it has nothing to do with BP!

J: Yes, I KNOW that, Melissa. So, what do I need to do to fix this new disaster of yours?

I explained that all we can do is wait until we get the paper notice, which we will hopefully get before the week is over. He told me he wanted to call USCIS and demand an explanation, but I said I thought he probably wouldn't get any info that way. He said he was going to try anyway. He said he was too angry to speak to me any further, and I went to bed feeling like I had really failed.

Today I have tried to think positively about all of this. I stayed away from VJ (mostly) because it is too painful to see everyone else getting approved without an RFE. Julian and I haven't spoken yet but he sent me an email telling me that he called USCIS and he couldn't get anything out of them.

So now we sit and wait. And wait. My doctor's appointment is on Thursday and it can't come too soon. Pat, my neighbour, offered to roll me a joint and I said yes. It's sitting on my table in front of me and I think I may just have to have it. I've already smoked a pack of cigarettes today (VERY bad) and I have had half a bottle of wine. So what. Maybe getting drunk and high is what I need right now. I'm already a complete fuck up, why not keep going?

Thanks!

I just wanted to write something before I go to bed, because I plan on writing a little more tomorrow when I have time. It has been a very, very busy weekend with some surprises in it (some better than others).

I wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who has commented recently on my stresses and decision to get some help, even the ones who said not so nice things. I know I complain a lot about feeling alone, and reading all your comments -- especially the VJ people who have identified themselves, and also those who sent me PMs through VJ -- has made me feel not so much like there is no one who can understand.

I am still stressed about the NOA2. But your comments and the decision to see the doctor are having a positive effect on me. So thanks again everyone! I will write a real post tomorrow. I know this is a total "cliffhanger" (lol) but I had a really good talk with Julian and Alex about getting over some of the stupid stuff from the past. I feel like things are really improving with Alex and that is going to be another stressful thing I can get rid of!

Almost an NOA2!

Just a quick post tonight, I just got home from Timmy Nolans (went there because was seeing Rachel on her night off and she won't go east of Burbank unless it's to go to Sephora) and Jen and Jenn came too. We were celebrating the touches and I had a few beers and the calamari which was great as always.

So excited to see if something is on the USCIS website about our NOA2. All of this is so great, with Julian coming in about 3 weeks and the house and evrything. So happy that I'm friends with Sean again and Alex isn't being such an asshole anymore.

I know I had to be ready for people being rude when I opened comments again. I am not an alcoholic and J is not a drug addict! I happen to have a few drinks a week, not a lot. I don't need to drink to relax or anything. I can't believe people think I have a problem! Yeah, I went out tonight. To celebrate. And I ate and everything! And Julian does not have a cocaine addiction. That whole thing with the picture was a JOKE with flour not cocaine. And anyway, it's been months since Julian did cocaine. God.

I'm going to bed. Hopefully there will be good news in the morning! Many thanks to the people who have been so nice to me recently on here and on VJ. It means so much to me.

Touches! Touches!

A while back on VJ, I asked what a "touch" was and it ended up with the thread being closed. But I did find out that a touch is when someone at USCIS looks at your file and then updates their system. If you sign up on the USCIS website, you can track what's happening with your file. I did and... we have had TWO touches in the past two days! I mentioned this on VJ and one of the other members said she thought this meant we are going to have a NOA2 (which means our petition for Julian to apply for the visa) any day!!!

I just called Julian and he told me to calm down because I was having problems breathing and I couldn't speak. He told me to be cautious and not to assume that it means an approval, maybe just someone is looking at the file. He agrees it is good news but not to start celebrating until I get the email confirming it. I don't care -- I am just SO happy!

I'll write a real post tonight with more stuff but I just wanted to share the news! HOORAY!!!

I'm back!

Wow, what a busy few days I have had. I keep trying to find some time to sit down and write something about what's been happening, but it seems like I am always busy or tired or out with friends. There's a thread on VJ right now on how to make the time go faster when you're apart from your loved one, and everyone says that keeping busy is the best way to speed things up. I totally agree!

I can't believe it's been four days since I got so upset at how people were treating me on the blog. It seems like ten years ago! I got so fed up with the lies and the way people were treating me like I was an idiot, and I did something really immature, which was go back and delete the comments because I felt like having them sit there on each post was too painful. Instead of ignoring them I lashed out and that was pretty stupid. I've lost the comments forever, which is kind of sad, I guess. Anyway, I had a lot of really great PMs from people through VJ (I won't share anyone's name) encouraging me to keep posting, that it's MY blog and I can do with it what I want, and not to feel bullied by people. Thank you SO much everyone who got in contact, and there were quite a few of you, so I know that I'm not as alone as I thought. What you had to say to me made me feel strong enough to stand up for myself and keep going. So... THANK YOU!!! You know who you are. I was really amazed that you were all willing to identify yourselves to me via VJ as well and I promise you I will not tell anyone (and I mean ANYONE *wink*) who you are.

So... what have I been up to? Well, number one, my allergies are acting up so I feel terrible, and my eyes are so watery sometimes. Thursday was a bit of a blah day. Dana actually sent me an email telling me I shouldn't be so "blatant" about all the wedding websites I was going on, and that it was really clear that I was spending about half my day looking at The Knot and the other half having "overheated conversations" with Julian on the phone. I can't believe how rude she was! I look at The Knot during lunch when I'm at my desk or when I'm on really boring conference calls or whatever, which is HARDLY half the day. And okay, maybe I do talk to Julian on the phone a lot, but we have so much going on right now with buying a house that of course we have to talk often! I mean, if Julian were living in, like, Santa Monica or whatever we would still need to talk frequently. God. I have tried to be better about looking at wedding websites though.

Which reminds me that I am totally drawing a blank on bridesmaids' dresses. I spent a lot of time looking at really expensive ones, and also at really cheap ones and I still couldn't tell the difference. Jen and Jenn sat down with me on Thursday night and we made an executive decision (seeing as they are maid of honor and bridesmaid) and we decided to do something really simple: we're going to go with something from J. Crew, so they actually have a chance of wearing the dresses after. No clue what style, but since it's .J Crew we can take our time. I emailed Stella and Veronique (who had no clue what J. Crew was, but I sent her a link) about my idea and they both seemed happy with the idea. When we decide what to go with, I will post the picture!

Friday, god. A lot of stuff. First, I think I found two houses that totally ticked all my boxes. And yes, one of them I at first rejected because I HATE the downstairs bathroom! I thought about it again and thought how stupid it is, considering I will be having Rachel help me decorate the place anyway. Following Julian's instructions, I won't be giving too much away about these houses, like where they are and exactly what features they have. (He is getting really paranoid, by the way, about when he comes over since people have been saying horrible things on VJ about him getting beat up. I told him not to be so silly, who would want to beat him up? But he actually asked me at one point if I wasn't sure I wanted to just cancel the K1 and file for a UK fiancée visa. He was so sweet and offered to fly my family and friends (within reason) out to London and we could have the reception wherever I wanted but I said no, we were so far along in the Process now we couldn't give up.)

Sorry. Anyway, yeah. Two houses. One is a four bed with two bathrooms (one I hate), a really great open plan space sort of like a huge living room, and a GORGEOUS kitchen with (I couldn't even believe it) an Aga stove like the one J's parents have in their house, except this one was almost new and in a dark red color. There was also an Aga dishwasher and fridge that matched. It was like a sign. Lots of beautiful original wood throughout and a fireplace. Out back there's a big yard that needs a lot of help but a nice pool and even a little pool cabana. Cute. This is number one on my list and it's in a great area.

Number two was five bedrooms and also in a good area. It's a lot newer than number one, but it's also a LOT larger. The bedrooms were huge, and two of them were already set up as studies with built-in shelves and lots of power outlets. The master bedroom had its own bathroom, and it had Victorian-style fixtures. Loved it. I called Julian right away and told him I had seen two possibles and he said that if I could find a third he would come over to start the process. Wow, I felt like I had to get going! It's been almost three months since we've seen each other and it's been so hard to be apart.

And then on Friday night -- and just in case anyone thinks I haven't told Julian this yet, I have -- I went out with Jen and we met up with Sean and Mack at Backstage Bar for karaoke. I wasn't exactly going to say that when I posted on Friday because I just wanted to post quickly about comments, and I was sure I was going to get a TON if I wrote, "Oh hi, I'm meeting Sean tonight." I felt really bad about how I had left it with Sean, I mean, we have been friends for years and our families are so close, so I guess I think I need to make things more normal. I still think he has a crush on me, but that doesn't mean we can't still be friends IF we always hang out in a group. Which is why I had Jen call Mack and ask him to get Sean to come out on Friday, and explained why we needed to meet up.

Anyway, it was great! Sean wasn't weird or creepy or anything, and we were able to laugh and joke and be normal again. Sean and I sang "Can't Stand Me Now" by the Libertines which was pretty hilarious because he is totally tone deaf! Mack and Jen got smashed, but since I was driving and had only had one beer (also good so I knew things weren't going to go anywhere I couldn't control with Sean)that was fine. I love Mack and Jen together and wish they could just figure out they would be perfect for each other, but I know Jen still has a thing for Sean, and since Mack is like Sean's best friend... I wonder if she thinks it's like cheating on Sean? I don't know. I've never asked her.

Jen ended up spending the night and in the morning, since she felt and looked like hell (I loaned her an ancient nightgown and a scrunchie) I went out to Winchells on Orange Grove and got coffee and donuts. We watched Doctor Who (her choice, not mine) and after we both managed to get dressed she came along to see another house with me. This one is farther out, not even in Pasadena, but the place looked so great I said OK. I don't know, it was huge, with five beds and three and a half baths, and the big living room, big kitchen, big pool and even a separate little guest house out back that his family or friends or whatever could stay in. I didn't feel the "thing" though, but I thought Julian would want to see this one so I thought fine. Here we go, three houses! But by the time I had decided this, it was around 10pm his time, and he was out with Alex so I knew better than to bother him. If he had been out with just James and Charlie (who I knew were going to be there), it would have been another matter because they are both so nice to me and actually think that it's great that Julian is marrying me. Like normal people! (Which they totally are.) But with Alex there who knows anymore what he's going to say that will set Julian off. God, I wish he would just get rid of him.

Saturday night was really chilled out. I was over at Jenn's, and we cooked chicken cacciatore and had a bottle of wine. I got home pretty late and since I had decided after reading a PM from a VJer that I wanted to open anonymous comments again, that's what I did! I felt really positive about this, as I said above, and I think I'm ready to take on the anonymouses again. Today was mellow, and I cleaned the apartment a little and posted once or twice on VJ. I spoke to J when I woke up to tell him I had three houses, and I gave him all the details of the houses and the agent. He was THRILLED at all of them, and he said he would be in touch with his solicitor on Monday to see what needs to be done to get a lawyer over here to handle the sale.

And... Julian is coming to see me! Not sure of the date yet, but he said in about three weeks. Which would be about the 11th or so of July. Can. Not. Wait!!! I checked again with the realtor and she said that there wasn't a lot of movement at our price level so it was unlikely that any of these houses were going to move before Julian could make it over here, and that interest had been pretty low. So hooray! SO much going right at the moment.

The only thing that is really bothering me is that J says I need to fix things with Alex because he wants to have him as his best man at the wedding. I thought I was hallucinating when I heard him say that and had him say it again. Yeah, Julian wants Alex to be his best man. I mean, on one level I totally understand it because Alex IS his best friend after all. But with everything that went between us in the past I can't understand how he can do this to me. Julian said it was all ancient history, and that Alex and I need to grow up, both of us, and put it in the past. That we both owe it to him, since he has behaved so well considering what kind of position we put him in. And I think he's right. I am willing to stop feeling so much confusion about Alex and anger and whatever if he's willing to stop sending me nasty things and calling me up (like I don't know it's him) at 4 in the morning. It has been about a week since he's done anything like that, so maybe he's trying to as well. If he is, then I'd be happy to put all of it away for the sake of Julian and what is HIS big day too, after all. Julian says he has some idea about how to make it better, but he needs to figure it out. Hopefully it will just be like a conference call or whatever, or maybe he'll get Alex hypnotized for the wedding to behave! LOL

Yeah, so hey! I'm back!

Another update on comments

I only just got home and am too tired to do a real post (a LOT of stuff has happened in the past few days so I will definitely post tomorrow) but I wanted to say comments are open again. Even anonymous ones. I got a PM on VJ that convinced me this was the right thing to do. So please try to be polite!

Till tomorrow.

This blog.

So I had a think about it and I have decided to close comments down on this blog until further notice. I read all of them from the past couple of days again and again and they all made me upset. I've removed all the comments from the last two posts and if I decide to make commenting available in the future, it will only be to registered people. I'm sorry but I've had enough for a while. Go laugh at someone else.

What am I supposed to say?

Well, this post was supposed to be about my annual appraisal, but I guess I will have to just deal with that by saying it went well. Really well, thanks to John giving an excellent review on my work during the last year. I have been approved to go part-time after I get back from my honeymoon in St. John, and I can even work extra hours from home if I want to. I was the only person in my rank to walk out of that conference room this week with a smile on her face, laughing with her boss. I knew everyone was watching, so it made me feel a little guilty because so many people had not had pleasant experiences, but I figured that this was MY life and I wanted to enjoy the moment for as long as it lasts.

So what this post is really about is this: I am thinking about stopping this blog. I'm not ashamed about anything I'm writing, and Julian has no objection to what I write or how I write it. I just think that what people are saying in the comments section is getting out of control. My fiancé has been called gay repeatedly, his best friend too, my fiancé has attacked my friend there, people are quoting from a movie that has Cameron Diaz in it... It's getting crazy and I just can't handle it on top of everything else. I'm trying to plan a wedding, buy a house, handle the bureaucracy of US immigration, deal with my mother who keeps begging me to come home for dinner, screen phone calls from people I don't want to have anything to do with anymore (Sean, Alex), see my friends and go to work and perform there.

I started this so I could process some really difficult emotions and talk about difficult things, and I think I have been able to do that. But I never dreamed that so many people would care about what I am doing, people who have never met me or my fiancé but have very strong opinions about who we are and what we are doing. And these people won't even identify themselves most of the time! I think if I keep doing this blog, I am going to change it so I don't get anonymous comments anymore. I think if you're going to say something to me about MY life, you should at least let me know who you are!

I spoke to Julian about his comment to Maven. I told him I was shocked at what he wrote and asked him why he wrote such a horrible thing. He said he was out with Alex in some bar in Soho, and they were pretty drunk. Alex showed him my most recent post and the comments that were on it, and Alex said something like, "That friend of Melissa's sounds like she's a goer from what Melissa told you about her. Looks like she might be up for something when you get out there." It really rubbed Julian the wrong way, because he'd already said he thought she was a bad influence on me, which he also told Alex. Alex said that perhaps Julian needed to show this woman who was boss then and to mark his territory, so Julian posted that horrible thing, but I know now it was just because Alex put him up to it and he was SO drunk. Julian apologized to me (!) and said it wouldn't happen again. He also said he would email Maven and say he was sorry, but she's flying back to LA all day today so I doubt she's even seen this yet.

And all because of this stupid, stupid blog! The whole incident on VJ last week where Julian got suspended would NEVER have happened if people who read this didn't start attacking him with what they think are "facts" about him and me. You don't know me and you don't know what my life and real, true love for Julian is like! I don't care what you think you know -- like the person who said I am being emotionally and economically abused, or the people who think that Alex is in love with Julian -- it's not true! Julian is sweet and cares for me SO much, and never withholds money from me. He always makes sure I have money when I need it, but I hate to ask because I prefer right now, while I am still single, to take care of myself as much as possible. Sure, the car was something I accepted, but I did that because it was something for both of us. So is the house. It's HIS money, so of course he should have a bigger say than me on where the house is! Maybe it's just a little old-fashioned for some people, having a relationship where the man takes responsibility for the big choices in life and makes the money, while the woman is free to be at home and explore a life outside of the workplace. What works for us may not work for you, OK?

But there are still some things I want to keep private. There are things I do not talk about on here, because they are embarrassing to me for what I have done to Julian. He told me that I shouldn't be ashamed of what I have done in the past because every time I do something wrong I tell him and he will always, ALWAYS forgive me. Sometimes it takes longer than others, like over the thing with Sean, but he always does. I am very lucky I ended up with him and not Alex, who tore my heart out and walked on it, and who likes to remind me of how humiliating that was. Between the two of them, I know I made the right choice.

So this may be the last from me for a while. I need to think about all of this and I really need to talk to Julian again.

Work and VJ -- two big pains.

What a horrible, horrible day. I got to leave the office around 5 even though I wasn't really done, because I just couldn't take the atmosphere in there anymore, and because I had two viewings scheduled for this evening (I had two yesterday night but neither was really what I was looking for). It's annual assessment time right now, and it's almost my turn (I'm scheduled for Tuesday) but in the meantime I get to see all my co-workers go through this. I'm lucky to have a champion in my boss John, but many of my colleagues don't have that kind of support. If I do well this year (it's my first real one -- when it was assessment time last year I had only been there for 4 months so I got what John called a "mid-term grade") it will be because of him, I know it. I saw Dana, who Julian calls my nemesis, come out of one of the conference rooms with red eyes and a kleenex in her hand. I watched her as discreetly as I could over the half-divider that separates our cubicles. She wasn't packing any of her stuff so I guess she's safe, but whatever was said to her couldn't have been good. I saw a couple of other people around my level come out of the conference rooms with similar expressions. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous. I have the weekend and Monday to think about my performance. John said I shouldn't be too worried, and that my dedication and hard work have been remarked upon, especially all the late night webinars and early morning teleconferences I have volunteered for.

I spoke with John about my plan to go part time instead of quitting. He sounded really enthusiastic about this and said he would speak to our COO about this, but that it was certainly something he could get behind. I told him I wanted to be responsible only for the Dutch account and that I could easily fill 20 hours a week with that. John said that this will only be for the best for my assessment. I really think I can do this right -- working part time and helping Julian, well, full time get adjusted to living in California.

Hmm. I am not really sure how to talk about this, or if I want to talk about it, because certain people think that I am sharing too much on this blog. I mean, it's MY blog and if my fiancé doesn't have an issue with what I am saying, why should anyone else care? Isn't a blog supposed to be a safe place for people to talk about their experiences? Should I only talk about things like what I ate for dinner (tonight it was a chopped salad and a Diet Coke) or how my workout at the gym was tonight (really good) or the houses I saw tonight (I will write about that more)? I feel like if people are offended by what I write they shouldn't read. And it's not like I am writing anything about the people on VJ who are making comments about me! So frustrated.

Anyway, okay, here it is. Julian got into a really embarrassing series of posts on VJ about our upcoming honeymoon. I had thought we could go to St. Barts, but it turns out we can only go to somewhere in the US until Julian has his greencard. Wow, simple question and simple answer, right? Julian was not really happy about this, because he LOVES St. Barts and wanted to show me the place and share it with me. He isn't keen about going to Hawaii or Puerto Rico because he wanted something really intimate, really discreet, and he had somewhere in mind in St. Barts. But then Julian went on and was really, really blunt and probably went a little overboard in his criticisms of the USA.

Everyone was attacking him, and someone even said he was emotionally abusing me! Unbelievable. I mean, like I would stay with someone who was abusing me! Emotional abuse is no joke, I have a cousin who went through it. Her boyfriend never let her leave the house or see the rest of the family. He made her life hell. He made her quit everything that made her happy. One day she finally broke free and she is much, much better off. But Julian DOESN'T do any of that. He agreed that I could keep working. He said it was good that I was talking to Jen and Jenn again. He loves my parents and we are moving to within 15 miles of them so I can stay close instead of me moving there, where I wasn't really very happy but where he has a terrific life that he will miss very, very much. He doesn't object to me keeping this blog. He always tells me how beautiful and sweet and lovely I am. He is just a little old-fashioned and has very strong views about things that he expresses because he feels he has to tell people when they are being stupid. He can't stand stupidity.

I tried to get him to stop -- we were chatting on Skype as it was going on online -- but he kept saying that these people will never learn, so why not have a little fun with them? He was teasing them all, saying outrageous things that are actually slightly more extreme versions of what he feels. I told him to stop since people obviously didn't get it was a joke. And what people had to say back to him... wow. So many insults. Maven taught me a VJ saying and I will say it tonight: VJ, sheesh.

Anyway, I had already cleared my early leaving with John, and I went out to look at a couple of houses. One of them might be the sort of thing I'm looking for. It has four bedrooms and 2 1/2 baths, a living room, drawing room, big kitchen... Gorgeous backyard with tons of beautiful flowering shrubs and mature trees... And the doors of the kitchen open up to the garden and it almost flows from inside to outside. It feels a little like home. I sent Julian the details but he was asleep when I sent them so I don't know what he will think. It's the first one I have seen that I have felt this way about. I know it's early but maybe!

Work IS a four-letter word.

Ugh. I have been at my desk now for over five hours and I am so overwhelmed with the amount of stuff I STILL have to do for the Dutch client. It's like it never stops! I think I mentioned a while back that somehow Marijke, the woman who I deal with a lot over there, somehow thinks I'm the only person who can do the work that needs to be done on this account, and she has convinced John, my boss that this is the case. John sees it as being really flattering to someone as junior as I am (I've only been in this job for a year and a half) but I see it as being really distracting from all the other accounts I have to work on with other team members.

Speaking of which, ugh. I am a little wary of typing this because she is about 6 feet away from me (but over the side of my cubicle wall so she can't see me actually typing) but Dana is just about the most annoying person I have ever had to work with. First of all, she is always complaining about how loud I type. I do NOT type loud. What does that even mean, type loud? She also brings her own lunch in, every single day, and it always smells strongly of garlic. No wonder she is still single -- all that garlic! Hummus, eggplant stuff, stuffed shells... Sure, maybe once in a while, but every day? Even having to smell egg salad would be an improvement. And she never comes out with us when Mary and I invite her to have sushi or go for a walk and a look around the stores. Ever. She said there was nothing for her in Forever 21 anyway, and I said, ummmm, that's not where we're shopping.

And there is this thing that is totally annoying me right now at work, and what's worse is I don't even know who's doing it! In our staff kitchen, we have a microwave, a fridge and a dishwasher. We're all supposed to clean up after ourselves and put our dishes right in the dishwasher after we use them, but people forget. I'm usually really good at it myself, but some people are lazy. Anyway, I often end up putting other people's plates and cups in there, and although I think I'm okay at doing this, someone else thinks they have a much better system of doing this, where everything is pointed in the "right direction" and grouped by type. Well, this someone has posted a notice about this and said that whoever (I guess me) is doing this improperly just needs to stop putting the dishes in if they can't get it right.

And while I'm at it, whoever has an issue with my dishwasher loading has also posted a notice on the cupboards to stop stacking the mugs "improperly" in there. I didn't even know there was a "proper" way of stacking mugs. This is what the note said:

"Whoever is the moron who keeps stacking the mugs DIRECTLY on top of one another (very unstable) instead of across needs to STOP doing this. For the third time this week, some have fallen out of the cupboard and broken. This is a waste of money and could get you or someone else injured. If you don't know how to stack the mugs, STOP TRYING TO HELP."

God, some people. It's only mugs! And only once has one fallen out on me, and it missed me. And yeah, it was in red letters, just like that.

I ran into Maven last night, which was nice but kind of weird. I suppose we might have crossed paths before and not realized it, after all. I mentioned this to Maven, and she said she had grown up in a city that was about the same size as Pasadena, and was always bumping into people there just after she had first met them -- they had probably been in the same places all along but never knew it. We were at Barnes and Noble -- she was waiting for her friend and I was wasting time before my hair appointment drinking a Frappuccino in the Starbucks.

So... I got my hair done! Finally. I think I love it -- it's very different from before. I used to be a dark strawberry blonde, and now it's kind of a medium-ish brown, with red and honey highlights woven in, very warm. I didn't get much taken off the length though. I think it looks fantastic, and a real difference to what I had before. I was really sick of my natural color. A real change.

Still haven't had time to look at any houses -- Julian is getting increasingly worried that I won't actually get around to this, and he has said to me that if he arrives here on his K1 and we do not have a family home that I have already moved into, he will be staying at The Langham Huntington until all is in order because he will not be living in my apartment again. If I wish to put my things and his into storage, I may move in with him. Actually, the idea of living in a hotel for a while is SO tempting! He said my place was fine for 88 days, but not for a lifetime; how I lived in a one-bed with no central air and an exposed cat litterbox was beyond him; and that time was wasting. I guess I'd better get on to it then.

Oh, and seeing Jen at the weekend! Almost forgot about it. She and I are going down to Venice to see Caitlin and have a barbecue. I asked Maven last night if she wanted to come, but she said that it would be kind of weird to meet these people having read so much about them, but with them not knowing she had read about them at all. (Did that make sense?) Also, she is going to Canada tomorrow morning for two weeks. She told me she was seeing Julez from VJ there. I didn't say anything, but I'm not crazy about that. Julez has been really rude to Julian on VJ, and I worry that maybe she will bad mouth him to Maven. Also, it's been so nice to have someone nearby I can talk to about all this VJ stuff who understands. I got so upset the other day I decided to take a break and I haven't been on there since yesterday morning. I think I just need for things to calm down a bit and then I can go back.

Wow, 2pm here and I still haven't eaten lunch. I guess I'll do that now.

Today, tonight

Today was exhausting on VJ. I felt attacked on all sides, with only a few people there (like Maven) to back me up. People were even saying Julian was gay, which was the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I didn't want to get into my sex life, but I can say that without a shadow of a doubt that J is most certainly NOT gay, unless he really likes to have sex with girls. I've ever had a complaint about sex with him, and I will leave it at that!

Jen is over right now, and I'm doing a quick post while she is running out for more wine. Yes, Jen! Even if Jenn isn't speaking to me, Jen called me today to say she missed me and wanted to come over for some chat and wine and tacos. She brought them from La Estrella, which has to be my most favorite place in Pasadena for tacos, even if it is a little scary to wait for them there (the homeless guy who begs is nice enough, but it makes me nervous to be around him). We had fish tacos and now I am sooooo full. I wish Julian didn't hate Mexican food because I love it. Who can be sad when there is Mexican food?

So I told Jen a little about what had happened with the picture, and she was really shocked, and asked to see the picture. I told her I destroyed it (which isn't true) so I couldn't show her. Really, like I would show anyone! I think Maven wanted to see it too but she at least had the class not to ask.It is private. I have decided that I understand it was a joke and I am leaving it at that.

Maven called me and told me that I need to stand up to J more, which would be fine if I felt I had something to complain about! But I really don't. Julian is still his sweet self. He said he had a surprise for me -- I asked (with a laugh) if it was more jewelry but he said no, it was something MUCH better. I can't imagine what it could be! He said I will be really surprised, and that he will tell me a little more about it in the next couple of days. I can't wait.

That was Jen, I just let her in. Time for more wine and she wants to watch something on Netflix. So much better tonight than today, especially with Jen back here. I missed her.

Another happy day

Another quick post from me -- I'm getting better, I hope, at cutting down on the babbling on. SUCH a beautiful day here in Pasadena, a bit windy, but so nice. I went to the Paseo Colorado and wandered around the stores, and managed to buy too much makeup at Sephora. (Julian refers to Sephora as "The Mothership" since I manage to always gravitate to one if it's in the area.) I also wasted some time in Jigsaw and Coach -- I almost bought a new handbag but Julian has said I probably have too many bags so I resisted. I thought about going to see a movie at the new ArcLight there, but I hate going to the movies on my own. It just makes me feel like I have no friends.

Speaking of which, I called Maven today to thank her for listening to me yesterday night talk all about my worries about the K1 visa. She said it was nothing, and that she always enjoys meeting VJ members. I asked her if she might have time to meet up again this week, maybe for a craft night since she knits (she showed me some pictures of her finished objects and they are cute!) and I have my scrapbooking. She said she'd see what she had in her week and let me know. She said she might say hello very briefly tomorrow since she has to see her friend Sara who lives about half a mile from me. I hope she does; I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment. Not only is Julian STILL 6000 miles away, Jen and Jenn are avoiding me. Jen at least still takes my calls, but Jenn has told me she is pissed at the way I am acting. She said she has had it up to here with my giving in to all of Julian's demands -- who I can talk to, how I can dress, what I do with my spare time. She told me that when I remember who Melissa is, I can call her. I'm glad I haven't told her about this blog, because now I can say this: Jenn is such a bitch. Why can't she see that I'm still me? If she loves me, she has to love Julian too. That's just the way it is. Maybe I'm glad to have a break from her.

Jen is talking to me, but every time we speak all she wants to talk about is Sean and how hurt he is by what is going on. I've told her again and again that I don't CARE if he hurts, since he put me in a situation where I almost lost my fiance. I told her that when she wants to talk to me about anything but Sean, she can call me. My mom called me today and said she sensed something was wrong with me, but I said no, nothing! And really nothing IS wrong -- I am just putting my foot down about how I feel about people and somehow people think that that is me being weak. I just don't understand that at all.

I told Julian all about my drinks with Maven and he seemed cautiously happy for me to have a new friend nearby. He told me to be careful not to tell her too many personal things before I know her well, because maybe she'll post things about us on VJ that might hurt us. I told him I didn't think THAT would happen. He said he would have preferred that I made friends with women my own age, but it's not like she's in her 40s or anything, and she has other friends who are my age.

So that's about it for today -- another good one. Keep them coming, and here's hoping my NOA2 arrives soon! I want Julian to come home to me right away. I miss him so much.

Drinks at the Snug

Wow! What a great evening with Maven (I kept calling her elmcitymaven on VJ, but she told me people refer to her as Maven on VJ). I promised I would keep her real name off of here so she will be Maven from now on. We ended up not going to the Blue Room after all, but to the Snug on Magnolia, because Maven said she got a little paranoid that I had posted on my blog (she is one of my readers!) that we were going to the Blue Room; she said you never know who reads these things. Not that she thought she or I would have a stalker, she said, but you never know how crazy people can be. Not a problem, except neither of us had ever been to the Snug, so we had no idea what to expect! It was a little loud later on, but we could hear each other pretty well.

Anyway, I wasn't sure what it would be like to meet someone from VJ, and I guess I kind of did think about what Julian said about people not being who they say they are on the internet, but Maven is a lot like what she really IS like on VJ, except she can swear (censored out on VJ) as much as she wants and is a little bit nicer, I think. She is also really small -- I wasn't expecting to meet someone shorter than me, but she's about 5 feet tall. Not how I pictured her at all! She told me I looked like I was a child, not anywhere near old enough to get married. :)

She told me a bit about her own visa journey -- she had lived in mostly London for 12 years, and had been married to two different English men. She and her second husband decided they were sick of living in London and wanted something new so they moved to America. Since they were already married AND living in the UK, they had a spousal visa called a CR1 and it took only 5 months to get. I told her I was jealous that she could live with her husband the whole time, and she said "You wouldn't be if you had to live with MY husband through that process. He was convinced the whole time that he was secretly HIV positive or had a conviction that he couldn't recall, or that they wouldn't like the cut of his jib at the interview."

This is also REALLY weird -- she was at Bristol too! She did a Masters there about 9 years before I did my year abroad. AND... her best friend there lived in the same block of flats I lived in while I was there! Neither of us could believe it, but it was true. She told me a little about what Bristol was like when she was there, and I did the same. It turned out we had two of the same favorite pubs -- The Coronation Tap and The Highbury Vaults. I said I could totally see her as one of the stressed out grad students we would see in the Vaults in the afternoons, and she laughed and said yes, she had been one of them!

She told me a little about some of the personalities on VJ, particularly in the UK forum, and who were her friends in real life there. She has apparently met about 10 people from VJ, and some of them have become very close friends. She had a lot of funny stories to tell about VJ people, and she told me who she couldn't stand at all, but I promised her I wouldn't say anything about that! She also asked me some questions about myself, about what I thought about my hometown, and what I thought of VJ in general and the visa process. She said she couldn't be a lot of help with the K1 process (K1 is the visa Julian and I are applying for), but she offered to be someone who would listen to my worries and fears and try to help with some of the things that have to be done when we get to the interview stage, since that is basically the same for the fiance and spouse visas.

She also told me she was a little concerned about how Julian seems to treat me on VJ and in this blog, although she said she was hardly going to tell me how to live my life. She said her first husband had been a bit of a bully when it came to her weight and appearance, and she found herself giving into a lot of crazy, manipulative behavior because she was blinded by love. I said I loved Julian the way he was, and that he isn't manipulative, he just happens to know a lot better sometimes than me about how to do things. Julian's just more practical than I am, that's just how it is. She looked a little uncomfortable, but said she would be here for me if Julian started acting like a "prat" once he gets over here.

I guess I started opening up to her, because I told her a bit about why J and I broke up in the first place. I haven't really wanted to get into this since it seems like it happened in another lifetime. Short version: J and I were members of an online forum, and Alex and one of his friends (or maybe it was just Alex, I still don't know) became members too, but using fake names. They made me their friend online and I was chatting away with them a lot. Then they started saying horrible things all of a sudden, like J was gay, and I was his beard; or that I was a golddigger and going to bleed him dry. At first Julian was so ANGRY he threatened to hunt the people down, because I was so upset; then Alex let him know it was him (and supposedly another friend) and all of a sudden J thought it was all so funny that I was taken in. I decided that I was sick of him choosing Alex over me and said that we were over, done with. We were all set to file the fiance visa but I never sent the papers. I let Julian know we were not going ahead. He said fine, he didn't care at all. There's a lot more, but it's a long story and although I told Maven a bit more about it, and about my more specific issues with Alex, I don't want to talk about them right now because I just want to focus on happier things.

I ended up giving her a ride home since she had been dropped off at the Snug by a friend and her husband wasn't around. Something is up there, I don't know what, but she just seemed a little sad when she talked about him and I told her then what I tell her now (since I assume she will read this!) -- sometimes it is just tough loving an Englishman! She laughed and told me yeah, she knew that TOO well! I came in for a cup of tea and I played with her sweet cat George. She gave me a hug when I left and she asked me if I had read her post about making sure women take care of themselves should something go wrong with their relationships. I said I hadn't really read it very closely, but I promised her I would.

So I have a new friend! How cool is that! Julian is calling me in half an hour and I can't wait to tell him all about Maven, since she is so funny and teases him about his money on VJ, saying she is going to be his mistress when he gets here. I have to say that at first that bothered me, but now that I know her, I know it's just her being silly.

Yay VJ! Yay Saturday nights! Yay getting to talk to my wonderful, wonderful, handsome fiance who I love more than anything else in the world. I love you, my Julian. I miss you.

Some resolution, much happiness.

So, so tired, but trying to get one post in before I go to bed. It will be as short as I can keep it, which I know is hard to believe! Sooooo... Julian did call me back at 1am, as promised. He seemed so eager to accept my apologies, I could hardly believe it after not talking to me for 48 hours. I asked him what he had been up to, why he wouldn't take my calls. He explained he was just so shaken by the idea of losing me to "that manchild" (meaning Sean) that he couldn't think straight.

He thought I might leave him again, like I left him before (I told him I didn't want to talk about THAT bit of ancient history), for someone who seemed to want the best for me but turned out to have very different ideas. "Just remember what happened with [name deleted] -- you thought he was a shoulder to cry on after we had that massive row, and it turned out he just wanted to see what fucking his friend's girlfriend was like." (It's true, and horrible, and I still don't know why I did it -- and I don't know why Julian ever took me back after [name deleted] dumped me after three weeks, or why he's still friends with that asshole.) I assured him again that not only did nothing happen with Sean, nothing WOULD happen from now on since I had told the Jen(n)s that I wanted nothing to do with him. I mentioned that Jenn was furious with J for barring me from seeing my best friend, and furious with me for giving in, and that Jen was sad that I would just dump one of HER best friends (meaning Sean) even if it was understandable why. Julian said he had some sympathy for what Jen had to say, but that Jenn's boyfriend Dan must be even more wet than he had thought at first if he would let his girlfriend carry on like that. ("Weak handshake, Melissa. Jenn must be the dominant one in bed, that's all I'll say on that matter.")

Anyway, he forgave me in the end and said he had felt lost the past two days without me. (Awwwww!) He had spent a lot of time talking with Alex, who had tried to convince him to leave me (typical), but the more Alex talked me down the more he realized he wanted to be with me, wanted to defend me. Sure, maybe in the first 24 hours he was more open to what Alex had to say, but he was certain that we should really, truly be together, and the sooner the better. Once I was his wife, I could count on being loved how I deserved to be loved by him. (Awwwwwww again!)

Work was crazy when I got back (and that's why it's 12:50am and finishing things up, but at least I'm at home with Tibbs and a glass of White Zin now) but I seem to be catching up. And something really cool happened today on VJ -- one of the other UK VJers who lives in my hometown, Burbank, contacted me and said we should have a coffee sometime soon! How cool is that? She's also married to a British guy, and said I seemed very sweet but might benefit from a little older sisterly advice. I told her that sounded great, especially since my REAL older sister is such a waste of space. We originally agreed to do this tomorrow night, but now she can't since she forgot that she needs to be in tomorrow night after all. Maybe on Friday then, or Saturday afternoon. I could use the perspective of someone who has also been through the visa process already.

So today was just wonderful, pretty much from start to finish. Much better -- I deserved this!!!

It felt like summer.

Yesterday I took the new car (still thinking of a name -- it's definitely a he though!) to go see Sean and have a day trip to Malibu. I had a bit of a late start, because my friends were over until 3am and we drank a LOT of margaritas. I seem to recall Caitlin at one point saying that she was thinking about buying a Margaritaville machine if we were going to do this again. Which made everyone laugh hysterically and then Jenn knocked over a lamp. Caitlin went back to Jen's, which is only a ten minute walk from my place, but Jenn was passed out on my sofa and I couldn't get her to leave. I tucked a blanket over her and left my packet of Olay facial wipes near her hand so when she woke up she could get her make up off. I got up around 9 and Jenn was up too, watching E! and drinking coffee -- she had made a pot and I was SO thankful for it.

We talked a little about what had happened the night before, about the car and why we drank so many margaritas. Jenn is worried about me, and apparently so are Jen and Caitlin. Jenn said that she was kind of sick of hearing about Julian treating me like I was an idiot, and that the whole incident involving the car was yet another time when he was doing this. I told her that I didn't see it like that at all, and that I really liked that J was enough of a man to take control of things when I couldn't do something or didn't want to do something. She said they were worried that he was a control freak, and that I was losing track of who I was in an effort to please him all the time. I laughed, but inside it made me sad to think my friends didn't trust my fiance to know what was best for me. Jenn said that she loved me just as much as she had since we were in fifth grade together, but that she was concerned that Melissa was disappearing and soon only Mrs. Julian Cranford was going to be left. I told her that was ridiculous, that I was still me and that after all Julian was marrying me for me. She gave me a hug and told me that she would always be there for me, and to please remember to love her a little bit occasionally after I get married. I don't really know what that meant.

Jenn left around 11am, and I tidied up the place a bit and then called Sean. Sean had had a late night too and didn't mind us setting out later than we expected. I told him I'd be over around 3. I stopped off at the Ralphs on Lake and picked up a salad and some bread and some ice teas, and then hit the road down to Culver City. Even in the traffic, I felt amazing in the car. It was SUCH a beautiful day yesterday, and with the top down I just felt incredibly alive. And I noticed how many people were looking at me in the car -- that never happened in my Sentra!

I got to Sean's a bit after 3. He gave the car the Sean Seal of Approval. I told him he could drive to Malibu and I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head. He gave me a big hug and said, "Did I ever tell you how much I love you, Little Em?" (He calls me Little Em -- he's 6'2" and I'm 5'2".) Once we hit PCH, I had one of those moments, where you feel like you're in a movie. I mean, I grew up in Burbank, the so-called Entertainment Capital of the World, but I never lived like a movie star. Sure, I've cruised down PCH a gazillion times with friends and boyfriends, but always in our not-so-impressive cars, or we were all 17 and covered with acne or whatever. But right then, in this beautiful car with one of my best friends by my side, with glimpses of the ocean visible from the side of the road, and the sun just beating down, my hair tied back in a scarf (real Hermès, a present from Julian), it just seemed...perfect. And all the worries of the past few days -- about the car, about Julian complaining about me on VJ -- just seemed to be pointless.

We went to Zuma and had our now very late picnic there. Sean had brought plates and forks and a bag of Doritos, which he kept trying to force on me. He said I looked thin -- I said good! I am trying to get back down to a size 0 after putting on a few pounds from eating a lot of Chinese food, and I have a wedding dress to get into. (I was supposed to go dress shopping today but my mom had to cancel, which is fine by me since I have another few days to lose weight.) I told him he looked great, which was true. He laughed and said he felt great now that I was willing to be friends again. I asked him what that meant -- friends again? He just put his arm around me and said, "Oh Little Em, I just worry about you. After that crazy dinner at Don Cuco's I wasn't sure you were interested in me being a part of your life any more." I told him that I had just had to sort out how to balance my need to assure my fiance that the only man I'm in love with is him, with the kind of brotherly love I have for Sean. I said I was sorry for disappearing for a while, but I had to do it so when I was able to see Sean again I wasn't uncomfortable.

Sean and I used to go out. It was a long time ago, or long enough ago and with enough friendship after we broke up that it just never is an issue. We were 16 years old, babies! I don't think I loved Sean when we were dating (which only lasted 4 months) but I grew to love him in the years after. Sean has been the brother I never had, and was always there for me whenever anything went wrong. Before I met Julian, Sean was second only to my dad when it came to men. He knows me better than myself I think, sometimes.

We sat on the beach and talked for a long time. Sean told me about a girl he had met recently who he was seeing, and said he'd love me to meet her. "Don't worry though, Little Em. You're still my number one girl." I felt safe with Sean right then, that no matter what, Sean would always have my back. We talked about work, and the wedding, and a little about Julian. He seemed very interested in knowing how Julian was doing, and if he was loving me as much as I deserved. "He bought me the car, Sean! I think that shows how much he loves me." (I hadn't told him anything about the whole Mercedes issue -- not necessary to get him worried.) Sean just sighed and said, "Things aren't love, Melissa."

We decided not to stay for dinner -- I had fallen asleep on the beach while Sean got up to go get some more drinks from the stand. Sean said I looked exhausted and since I still needed to get back to Pasadena, it was probably best to head back early. I didn't argue, and let him drive back to Culver City. He asked me to come in for a coffee to wake up, but I said no, I'd better get on the road. I got home around 8.30, fed the cat and passed out fully clothed on the couch, just as Jenn had last night. I woke up at midnight when the phone rang -- Julian. I told him I was really tired, and could we postpone the call until later? J was worried, "Why so sleepy, darling?" I said I had had a really long day, about the girls the night before and then Malibu today. He asked how Sean was, and I said great. I wanted to get off the phone so I said, "He's met someone he seems to really like. I'm happy for him." Julian seemed much happier to let me finish the call after that, but not before he said, "I'm glad you're having fun with your car, darling. When I get there, of course we'll have to replace it, but you have fun with it this summer."

I have this summer left before everything changes.

Melissa and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

What more could go wrong? I'm just about to go to sleep even though it isn't 10pm and I'm supposed to wait up another two hours -- I just want this day to end.

Julian didn't call back after putting the phone down, but he sent me an email telling me to expect a call around midnight my time so we could discuss something about the cooling off period. I wrote him back telling him that there was none, as I had said before. No reply.

When I came back to work, around 1pm, there was a gigantic pile of stuff that had landed on my desk awaiting me. I was so stunned by what had gone down between J and me that I channeled all my freaked-outedness into getting through it. Around 6pm I went on Visa Journey to see if anyone in my April filers thread had gotten their NOA2 yet. I looked in at the United Kingdom forum, wasting time, and saw something that made me feel... angry? Sad? Julian had vented in one of the threads all about what happened today with the car, and said I had LIED to him about the cooling off period. I hadn't exactly -- yes, I chose not to take the contract that would have given me two days to change my mind because I knew I wanted this car. There is no cooling off period if you don't take it, so I was technically right.

Then he says I'm afraid to drive the car, which is untrue and not what I told him! I don't know why he posted on there about this. Here's where he starts posting, make your own mind up: VJ thread  It makes me feel like a child, like I can't be trusted, like I'm a simpleton who needs a man to take charge of everything. One of them even said I was gullible! And now someone is on there, using the popcorn smiley, like this is something to laugh about and mock! I just don't know what to do. Am I being too sensitive here? What would you do? It's so unlike J to share stuff like this in public, and the fact that he did it after told me he didn't want to speak to me until much later makes me so confused.

Going to take a bath and have a glass of wine. So confused.