Julian is almost here!

I know I haven’t posted in a little while – I got a few emails asking if everything is okay. I’m still alive! It’s just been really busy at work, and I’m getting ready for Julian to arrive later. I’ve been cleaning since I got home last night at 6, and I’ll probably be doing that until 2pm, when I need to leave for the airport. Put clean sheets on the bed, fresh towels in the bathroom, cleaned the fridge, vacuumed the whole apartment, dusted, washed out the litter box. I went to Ralphs and stock up on the things I know he likes to eat. I can’t believe the day is finally here! And then on Monday (which I have off because I went in on the 5th) we go and look at the houses so Julian can help decide which one will be our new home. It’s all so fast but so exciting!

So I went to see my new therapist Thursday night. I’ll call her Joanna (nothing like her real name). She’s in Glendale, which is a lot more convenient for me than Beverly Hills. She’s also a LOT cheaper than Dr. N, and she takes my insurance. I liked her right away. She’s about 35, and she dresses REALLY well (her shoes were definitely Jimmy Choos), so it doesn’t feel like I’m having a conversation with someone like my mom. (I have had two therapists like that and it always felt like I was being lectured.) We talked about what I think my problems are – visa, wedding, moving to part-time work, friends, being away from my fiancé, my family – and my feelings that I just can’t cope with it all. I told her about the GAD diagnosis and the Klonopin and the Zoloft. She just listened to me for a while, and then she said she could see that I was under a lot of stress, but that a lot of it seemed to be stress I was making for myself. She said we should try cognitive behavioral therapy, which I have tried before, but it never worked. But I said I was willing to try. She recommended some books for me to read and said she thought I needed to wean myself off the Klonopin. I had been on it a week at that point, and I was down to taking half a pill a day anyway, so my last half was last night. She also said I should look at other techniques for dealing with stress, like yoga and exercise.

I feel so much more together from all the stuff I have been doing recently to make myself better – the diagnosis, the anti-anxiety medication, therapy, and most importantly talking to Julian about how I feel without feeling too guilty. It’s like I’m finally starting to realize that I can be myself in this relationship, and that I don’t have to worry that he’s going to leave me if I do something wrong.  Again and again he forgives me, and does things that are amazing just to make me feel better. He said that he knows I am more delicate than he is, and that he needs to handle me carefully and with love, and that he’ll do what he needs to to protect me. And I know he means it. I know some people don’t understand our relationship – they think he’s bossy, and that I just give in to whatever he says – but we know we love and cherish each other, and ultimately that is the most important thing at stake here. We want to set up our new life here together and be happy, just like everyone else. We want a quiet life together, and I want to be an amazing wife to Julian, and someday mother to his children.

And he will be here in just over three hours! I’d better get in the shower now and get ready. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it!

I can't sleep.

I know I'm not supposed to take a Klonopin this late, so I haven't, but I really feel like I need to. I can't sleep and I don't really feel like I can talk about what is bothering me without breaking a promise I made.

There's nothing more to say now. It's 3:16AM and I'm still here, my brain is still flipping over on itself and I feel like my thoughts are racing. I took the Klonopin so long ago and I'm supposed to be up in 4 hours to got to work. What am I supposed to do? It's been 9 hours since I took a pill, so I guess it isn't SO bad that I'm having a glass of wine to calm down.

I just want to sleep. I want to sleep for a day or two and forget about all of this.

Something wrong with my comments

I have been trying to post this reply all night but something is wrong with my comments section. What I wanted to say was this:

I can't believe anyone could think Julian was trying to do anything but HELP me. I was going crazy with anxiety and he did what he had to do and took care of me. He got me in to see one of the best doctors in under a week and paid for that. He got his best friend to stop hassling me, and to even look out for me. He is not trying to control me, he is trying to make sure I am well enough to get through the next few months (and more). There is so much to do and I need to be well enough to do it. My life is changing right now and I need to face up to that.

And yes, I counted the pills and I am now about to take my eighth pill since Thursday. I will only be taking one a day for two more days, then half a one for a few days, then done. I'm on the Zoloft too but I don't expect to feel anything from that for a few weeks. I hope that getting to see Julian on Saturday will help also.

Edit: apparently this is an issue right now with Blogger and a lot of people are having problems with comments not showing up. If you post a comment, I can see them in email but they don't show up. If you want to post one, do it anyway and I will post them all when this is fixed. :)

Another day.

So day three (four?) on the Klonopin. I know I only can take it twice a day and for a week. I can't have any tomorrow during the day since I've already taken so much time off of work. Dana emailed me on Friday asking when I'm coming back because it's embarrassing how much time I get to have off while she's in there every day. She actually asked me who I was sleeping with to get away with the stuff I do. So disrespectful. But I'm going back tomorrow anyway so she will just have to deal with it.

The Klonopin really does keep me together, which I need since Julian was so angry about the RFE being my fault. He said over and over how careless he'd been to assume I knew what I was doing with the I-129F. He said that when he comes over at the end of this week he would take control of the RFE so there wouldn't be any further mistakes. We can't afford to be delayed any further. I was pretty upset at the time he said this, but I know he's right. It will be good not to have to have this be my responsibility any more. He's so much better at these things anyway. He's pretty much forgiven me for all the hassle I've caused him. I'm just going to focus on him coming over and being in a better frame of mind.

I did speak to Alex the other day. It is so great to know he is no longer trying to attack me. I don't really know what made him change his mind, only that he's being so nice to me. It reminds me a lot of the old days, when I used to be able to talk to him for HOURS, and it seemed he understood me better than anyone else. We really were good friends once, and even through all of the crazy we've been through over the years I guess a part of me has always missed him and missed our talks. We used to stay up all night, even after he was back with Amanda and I was back with Julian, and we would share everything. I now really regret not being honest about this. But at some point I guess he just got sick of me talking about all the little problems I was having with Julian and he thought we would be better apart. He was wrong, but I know it came from a place of love. It was misguided and did break up Julian and me, but I know he meant the best for us both.

I'm actually really looking forward to seeing him at the wedding. I told him this and he asked me not to talk about the wedding. He said that even though we were all friends now, he still thought it was a bad idea. He said some things that were brutally honest that I don't want to mention. He asked me to reconsider, and told me he keeps telling Julian the same thing. I know why he thinks it's wrong, but what he says is right for me is also wrong. The past is a long time ago.

So back to work tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to it!

Moving forward

I stayed away from my blog and from VJ all day yesterday, and it looks like everyone felt like they needed to make a comment on my life. Some of you people don't even sound real, you're so cruel. The person who said I wasn't loved as a child and that's why I make it seem like everyone's in love with me is so wrong I can't even believe it. I was and AM a very much loved daughter! My parents are always begging me to come home for dinner and I try to see them once a month. And yes, I think Sean does have a thing for me (you do not know our history) but I have made it very clear to him that we are friends. And yes, I used to see Alex and NO I did not have sex with him in Seattle! That is just speculation and hurtful. I can't understand how you people can be so spiteful.

(calming down)

I went to the doctor yesterday; I'll call him Dr. N. He was recommended by a friend of Alex's who lives out here in the LA area. He's supposed to be one of the best psychopharmacologists around, really listens to you and prescribes not just medication but also things like fish oil and yoga and medication. He believes in treating people holistically. I was really worried, because I have been seeing the same psychiatrist since I was 15, but he retired last year and I knew if I had to see one again it would be weird since I had been seeing Dr. P. (the old one) for close to ten years. But Alex said that Dr. N. was one of the best, and Julian offered to pay for me since Dr. N. doesn't take my insurance (and he isn't cheap). It was over in Beverly Hills which is a total nightmare to get to from Pasadena. I ended up being 20 minutes early, which was fine, since I had a ton of paperwork to fill out.

When I got to see Dr. N., he listened to me talk for twenty minutes about my current problems (visa, house, friend problems) and how I couldn't cope with it and I often ended up crying at work or at home, and how I sometimes drank a bottle of wine to just make the pain stop. I also told him about my long-standing anxiety issues and what had worked before. He diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and gave me a prescription for Zoloft for that, but he also said he could see I was in a lot of immediate anxiety so he gave me a prescription for Klonopin, which I've never had before. He also referred me to a therapist in my area for regular weekly sessions. I start next week.

So I went back to Pasadena and called Jen up and asked her to come over after her day was over to come and sit with me while I took my first dose of Klonopin since I had no idea what my reaction would be. She got to me about 6pm, and I took my first dose. It took about half an hour or so to kick in, but I started to feel really relaxed for the first time in months. It was like I was just spreading out, all the tension was just leaving and I felt loose and, well, like a puddle. Jen sat with me and we watched TV; well, she did, and I just kind of drifted in and out of consciousness. Wonderful!

I took today off too so I am at home and I just took a a dose, which really takes the edge off. I took it because I got the hard copy of the RFE notice. It turns out that I forgot to include enough proof of meeting in the past two years. I can't believe I forgot but apparently I didn't put in passport stamps that prove we have been together. What an idiot! I put in pictures and a long statement on how we met and all the time we have been together but I think I didn't include the passport stamps or anything that what VJ people call "primary" evidence. I think. Not really sure. I told Julian and he said he couldn't talk about it with me then but he would call me back. I just feel like it was really stupid but I guess the Klonopin is making me feel more like this just isn't a big deal after all. Alex just emailed me to see how I was doing and to give him a call. Since I can't talk to Julian I think I might do that. It would be good to hear his voice.