Sorry

I haven't posted in a while, I know. There are a couple of reasons for this, some happy and some I could do without. I think I'll deal with the not-so-happy ones first. I am sick of the really negative and frankly rude comments I get on here. I have been accused of sleeping with my fiance's best friend, being an attention-seeker, being a gold-digger, drinking too much, getting addicted to pills... and the list goes on. And on. And on. And it has started seeping over on to VJ, where I can't even ask a question any more without getting attacked. And when I had an issue with Blogger -- which I have complained about in the past, with comments getting turned OFF and blocked beyond my control -- I got accused of turning anonymous comments back on. I left all your hurtful comments up there so you can see how ridiculous you sound. I won't even comment on the people who were saying borderline-stalker things.

So here is the deal with comments. I know you are all DYING to comment on my blog since you seem to like doing it so much. I am turning comments back ON but I will approve them all. If you are registered, your comment will be approved and I will post it. If you leave a name, I will probably post it. If you do not leave a name, and the comment is not attacking me, I will post it. Those are the rules. I'm not doing this because I'm an attention whore. I actually liked reading people's opinions, and I feel like the current system isn't working.

That's over. Phew. Back to real life. Well, we got our NOA2 last week, and now our case is at the National Visa Center (NVC). It got there on Monday, so I'm really hoping it will get sent to the London Embassy tomorrow or Friday. After it gets to the Embassy, everything really starts happening! Going by timelines, I think Julian should be getting his interview in October. It's a real pain, because I wanted to have an outdoor reception at my parents' house, but I don't think that is going to happen now. Assuming he gets his visa in mid-October, he still wants to wrap a lot of things up before he leaves. Which means that he will probably want to wait until Christmas to come over here, unless I can convince him otherwise. I told him that he should start wrapping things up NOW but he said he wants to wait until he has the visa.

But in the meantime, he has his LND number (his case number at London), which he needed to book his medical. He has one in about 3 weeks time. He also has been getting together all the other things he needs, like his birth certificate and his ACPO police certificate. He is also getting his "jabs" as he calls them updated so he won't need to do them at the medical. One of the VJ ladies (Jill) posted some GREAT info on how to speed up the process a little, and Julian has now downloaded all the forms he needs to send off when the Embassy contacts him to tell him to send his "Packet 3" back. We're all ready, we just need that P3!

Everything is going along well with the house. We're closing next week, but I will probably not move in completely until the end of the month so Rachel and I can start decorating. Rachel has been a little bit of a pain recently about the house. She promised months ago she would help me with the decoration and she seemed so excited. But now she says she doesn't have time for it, that her screenplay needs to be rewritten and she doesn't know how she can possibly be expected to do what is a favor to me when she is so busy. Busy? Ha! I know exactly what she is up to because she is so sloppy. I know for a fact that she is seeing a married man now, and I think he has something to do with her screenplay because I checked out his Facebook profile and he is in the business. It was soooo easy to figure out what was going on. All of a sudden, this older guy appears in her friends list, and she starts commenting on all of his posts, really flattering him. And he leaves cryptic little notes on her photos. It is so gross. If my parents knew, they would FREAK. But I will not say anything for the sake of family unity.

Oh god, and then Rachel was asking me about Alex! She saw a picture of him and Julian and me AGES ago when I emailed her one from Bristol, and she kept saying how hot he was, and did he have a castle or something. God, talk about gold diggers! I told her that Alex's family had a country house, yes, but they lost a lot of their money ages ago, and I bet they would want him to marry a nice rich American girl. Which she wasn't then (she was struggling to finish senior year) and isn't now (bartender). But since she's my friend on FB, and Alex is back on my FB list, she can see his pictures and she sent me an email about him with the subject line "Yum." She asked if it was really true he was going to be the best man, and was he single because she said she would totally do him. I said that that was completely believable, because there was hardly a guy out there she WOULDN'T do. She didn't talk to me for a couple of days after that. And of course I told Alex, who thought it was all really funny. I need to keep an eye on them during the wedding; I don't put it past my sister to try to sleep with him.

Hmmm. What else? Not much at the moment. Jenn and I are trying to see each other more and get over some of our issues. We had dinner the other night over at her place and it was pretty great, and she even managed to seem happier that Julian and I are getting married. Work is going all right; now it's August, all of Europe is on vacation so it's pretty quiet. I spend a lot of time thinking about what to do about my wedding. I made a couple of calls to local venues to see what I might be able to get around Christmas. There was an opening at a venue I really like on the 18th of December; Julian told me to reserve it just in case so I have today. He said to start doing the real planning now, getting back in touch with all the vendors I have already spoken to and put down deposits. I don't like the idea of December 18th though, but the next Saturday is Christmas Day and I don't want that either. Just stuck. But I suppose I will just get used to it.

So that means this weekend I'll be rethinking colors. AGAIN. If it's Christmas, I want something richer in color, maybe plum or dark green, with cream. Blah. But once I do, I have got to get everything going with the florist, and the bakery and everyone else. The invitations have been ready to go for ages and since they're just black engraved on white card I don't have to worry about colors. I just have to commit to a date. I guess I better make up my mind.

Changing things.

Part of me just wants to ignore every one of the words that was written here to hurt me, make fun of me, or belittle me. That's what Julian and some of my kinder readers have said to me here, on VJ and through PMs. But I would have to be a robot not to feel some hurt at what has been said.

Maybe I have chosen to make part of my life public, but I didn't MEAN to make it as public as I have, clearly. I meant for this to be a blog that I used to talk about what I'm going through with the visa. I mean, there are so many people on VJ who link to their blogs, and I never see THEM getting beaten up for what they write! I asked a simple question on VJ about whether I should close down comments because I knew if I asked here, I would just get attacked. Well, I got attacked on VJ as well.

So I have decided to make comments open only to those who register. If you really need to comment, you'll go through the trouble to register. Maybe it will make some people think before posting, and consider that I am a real life human being like you, with feelings and dreams and worries, just like you. If this blog is teaching me anything, it's that the people I have around me are a lot nicer than I had ever really appreciated.

I don't have a lot else to say right now; I miss Julian still so much. It looks like we will be closing on the house in a couple of weeks, and as soon as Julian and I have our names on the title I am giving notice on this apartment. Still waiting on our NOA2. Still at work, still dealing with Dana. Life just seems so much more dull without Julian around, and things I found interesting to talk about just aren't what I'm thinking about.

The only bright spot is that I have a good friend who is coming to visit next week -- totally a surprise! And something to distract me while I wait for my life to start again, whenever it is that God and USCIS let my fiance come home to me at last.

Not what I expected.

Julian is here now (he is asleep in the bedroom right now, so I am trying to be quiet typing). He came yesterday afternoon, and it was just about the most amazing thing to get to see him again, to be held by him again. When he came out of arrivals pushing his bags and looking a little lost and tired, I felt a rush through me, like the first time I realized I was attracted to him. He saw me and smiled, and waved a little, and I thought wow. This is really happening. And this is the last time he will come to America on the Visa Waiver Program. Next stop: K1! He just took me in his arms and held me tight, like he never wanted to let me go, and then took my face in his hands and smiled, then kissed me. He told me I was even more beautiful than he remembered, and how lucky he was to have me. I felt unbelievably light and happy. Like all of this is real.

He asked if we could get a porter for his bags, but I said no, I'd help push if he was tired. He said he had slept on the plane for about four hours, and that that was fairly easy in Business Class. He said First had been sold out when he booked the flight, but that Business was not too bad these days. We got to the Porsche and Julian checked it out a little (he did what he called a "proper" inspection of it today and said that although he was still disappointed I had not bought the Mercedes, that the Porsche was OK "for what it is"), then we loaded up the car and set off on the 110 for Pasadena. I had wanted the top down but Julian said that he didn't feel up to it just yet, and that on the freeway all the fumes might make him sick.

We got back around 5:30pm (I had had to wait for him to get through immigration; the good news was that they didn't even ask him to prove he had ties to the UK, he just had to wait in a really long line), and I ordered in some Chinese food since he loves the honey walnut shrimp from Go China. We just collapsed in a heap on the sofa while we waited, and he lay there with his head in my lap, snoozing a little while I just felt great. When the food came, I opened a bottle of wine (now I'm off the Klonopin I can) and we chatted a little about his flight and what we need to accomplish this week in terms of the house. When we couldn't manage any more food (I had way too much fried rice, I am not going to fit into my wedding dress if I keep eating like this), Julian asked if he could have a nap and I joined him. (lol)

We ended up getting out of bed again at around midnight, and we had a little more wine. We talked about Alex and how important it was for him that we get along again, and I said I was really trying, and Alex was too. I told him that Alex and I now talk about every other day for a few minutes, and that I'm slowly feeling like I can trust him again. J was very pleased to hear that. But I wasn't prepared for what Julian told me next at all. At all.

He kind of worked up to it this way. He said, "Melissa, there's something I need to tell you, and I probably should have told you before I got here. But I was so conscious of your delicate mental state that I felt I couldn't tell you, not when I couldn't be here." Uh oh, I thought. What is he going to tell me -- that he's secretly already married, that he wants me to move to England, what? And then he hit me with it.

"Melissa, I thought it would be useful for both of us to have additional help in our househunting, from someone who has done it more than once before." (OK, I thought, that leaves Alex out of it.) "I felt the best thing to do was to invite my mother to come and help us. She wants to help us get started on the right foot, and I think having her assistance will be extremely valuable."

Oh god. Jocasta. Jocasta? What do you mean, I asked him, your mother is coming? I don't have any space to put her up. I can't believe you didn't tell me! What am I supposed to do? I can't have her here to my apartment. She doesn't even LIKE me, and I told Julian that, but he told me I was just being silly, that his mother loved me like another daughter (not a compliment -- you should see the love she doesn't give to Julian's sister Annabelle) and that I would benefit from her help. And that she was arriving on Sunday night around 7pm, and going straight to the Langham so I wouldn't see her until Monday. Yes, tomorrow morning. I know he is doing this because he really thinks it will help, so I will try to get along with Jocasta for his sake. I don't have to like it.

I went back to sleep after this, and he stayed up and talked to his friend Jamie for a while. He eventually crawled back into bed around 5am. It was just so nice to be held again, and to wake up next to the man I love so much. I got up and tidied up a little, then called my parents to tell them Julian was safe and sound, and that we would be coming over for dinner that night as planned. I also told them about Jocasta and my mom was LIVID! She said, "How could Julian not tell you something as big as that beforehand?" I said it was because he was worried that I would react badly and he wouldn't be there to take care of me. She said she could understand that, but that I wasn't a little girl, and that he needed to treat me like a woman for a change. My dad was upset, but actually said he was looking forward to meeting "the famous Jocasta." I have a bad feeling about that. Their political beliefs are on opposite sides of the spectrum. I am going to have to ask him to behave.

Jen came over around noon (J was in the shower by that point) and the three of us went out to lunch (we had to take Jen's Prius) at Matsuri. Jen and Julian really get along, and we were all so relaxed I almost forgot all about Jocasta. I was just so happy to see Julian being himself, his real self, and seeing how people really can like him. After lunch J and I went back to the apartment and he took me for a ride on the 210 in the Porsche. It was a lot of fun, and we did get to have the top down. I felt just like I imagined it would be, with us just being HAPPY for a change. He complained a little about the sluggish automatic transmission, but he said he knew I couldn't drive stick.

We went to my parents' house for dinner at 7pm. Julian was on his best behavior and so were my parents. My mom really did look happy when she saw him, and he told her she was just as lovely as ever, and they even had a little hug. He shook my dad's hand, and told him how happy he was to be here with his daughter, and how proud he was to be making me his wife. We had a perfectly pleasant light dinner of sea bass and fennel, with apple pie for dessert (my favorite). My dad told some terrible jokes and my mom told us some really quite disgusting stories from work about people with broken limbs and blood everywhere. (Thanks, mom.)

We got back around midnight, after Julian and my dad had some whiskey in the living room. My mom and I talked about Jocasta while I helped clean up. She asked me how I really felt about it, and I said: scared. She told me that she didn't raise any chickens, just two beautiful daughters, and that if I was unhappy with anything Jocasta said to me, I should just say so. Ha! She doesn't know Jocasta, but I guess she will soon.

So tired, and I need to be up to meet Jocasta with Julian at 10am at the Langham, then on to view the properties. Big day, I'll need all the luck I can get.

Julian is almost here!

I know I haven’t posted in a little while – I got a few emails asking if everything is okay. I’m still alive! It’s just been really busy at work, and I’m getting ready for Julian to arrive later. I’ve been cleaning since I got home last night at 6, and I’ll probably be doing that until 2pm, when I need to leave for the airport. Put clean sheets on the bed, fresh towels in the bathroom, cleaned the fridge, vacuumed the whole apartment, dusted, washed out the litter box. I went to Ralphs and stock up on the things I know he likes to eat. I can’t believe the day is finally here! And then on Monday (which I have off because I went in on the 5th) we go and look at the houses so Julian can help decide which one will be our new home. It’s all so fast but so exciting!

So I went to see my new therapist Thursday night. I’ll call her Joanna (nothing like her real name). She’s in Glendale, which is a lot more convenient for me than Beverly Hills. She’s also a LOT cheaper than Dr. N, and she takes my insurance. I liked her right away. She’s about 35, and she dresses REALLY well (her shoes were definitely Jimmy Choos), so it doesn’t feel like I’m having a conversation with someone like my mom. (I have had two therapists like that and it always felt like I was being lectured.) We talked about what I think my problems are – visa, wedding, moving to part-time work, friends, being away from my fiancé, my family – and my feelings that I just can’t cope with it all. I told her about the GAD diagnosis and the Klonopin and the Zoloft. She just listened to me for a while, and then she said she could see that I was under a lot of stress, but that a lot of it seemed to be stress I was making for myself. She said we should try cognitive behavioral therapy, which I have tried before, but it never worked. But I said I was willing to try. She recommended some books for me to read and said she thought I needed to wean myself off the Klonopin. I had been on it a week at that point, and I was down to taking half a pill a day anyway, so my last half was last night. She also said I should look at other techniques for dealing with stress, like yoga and exercise.

I feel so much more together from all the stuff I have been doing recently to make myself better – the diagnosis, the anti-anxiety medication, therapy, and most importantly talking to Julian about how I feel without feeling too guilty. It’s like I’m finally starting to realize that I can be myself in this relationship, and that I don’t have to worry that he’s going to leave me if I do something wrong.  Again and again he forgives me, and does things that are amazing just to make me feel better. He said that he knows I am more delicate than he is, and that he needs to handle me carefully and with love, and that he’ll do what he needs to to protect me. And I know he means it. I know some people don’t understand our relationship – they think he’s bossy, and that I just give in to whatever he says – but we know we love and cherish each other, and ultimately that is the most important thing at stake here. We want to set up our new life here together and be happy, just like everyone else. We want a quiet life together, and I want to be an amazing wife to Julian, and someday mother to his children.

And he will be here in just over three hours! I’d better get in the shower now and get ready. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it!

I can't sleep.

I know I'm not supposed to take a Klonopin this late, so I haven't, but I really feel like I need to. I can't sleep and I don't really feel like I can talk about what is bothering me without breaking a promise I made.

There's nothing more to say now. It's 3:16AM and I'm still here, my brain is still flipping over on itself and I feel like my thoughts are racing. I took the Klonopin so long ago and I'm supposed to be up in 4 hours to got to work. What am I supposed to do? It's been 9 hours since I took a pill, so I guess it isn't SO bad that I'm having a glass of wine to calm down.

I just want to sleep. I want to sleep for a day or two and forget about all of this.

Another day.

So day three (four?) on the Klonopin. I know I only can take it twice a day and for a week. I can't have any tomorrow during the day since I've already taken so much time off of work. Dana emailed me on Friday asking when I'm coming back because it's embarrassing how much time I get to have off while she's in there every day. She actually asked me who I was sleeping with to get away with the stuff I do. So disrespectful. But I'm going back tomorrow anyway so she will just have to deal with it.

The Klonopin really does keep me together, which I need since Julian was so angry about the RFE being my fault. He said over and over how careless he'd been to assume I knew what I was doing with the I-129F. He said that when he comes over at the end of this week he would take control of the RFE so there wouldn't be any further mistakes. We can't afford to be delayed any further. I was pretty upset at the time he said this, but I know he's right. It will be good not to have to have this be my responsibility any more. He's so much better at these things anyway. He's pretty much forgiven me for all the hassle I've caused him. I'm just going to focus on him coming over and being in a better frame of mind.

I did speak to Alex the other day. It is so great to know he is no longer trying to attack me. I don't really know what made him change his mind, only that he's being so nice to me. It reminds me a lot of the old days, when I used to be able to talk to him for HOURS, and it seemed he understood me better than anyone else. We really were good friends once, and even through all of the crazy we've been through over the years I guess a part of me has always missed him and missed our talks. We used to stay up all night, even after he was back with Amanda and I was back with Julian, and we would share everything. I now really regret not being honest about this. But at some point I guess he just got sick of me talking about all the little problems I was having with Julian and he thought we would be better apart. He was wrong, but I know it came from a place of love. It was misguided and did break up Julian and me, but I know he meant the best for us both.

I'm actually really looking forward to seeing him at the wedding. I told him this and he asked me not to talk about the wedding. He said that even though we were all friends now, he still thought it was a bad idea. He said some things that were brutally honest that I don't want to mention. He asked me to reconsider, and told me he keeps telling Julian the same thing. I know why he thinks it's wrong, but what he says is right for me is also wrong. The past is a long time ago.

So back to work tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to it!

Moving forward

I stayed away from my blog and from VJ all day yesterday, and it looks like everyone felt like they needed to make a comment on my life. Some of you people don't even sound real, you're so cruel. The person who said I wasn't loved as a child and that's why I make it seem like everyone's in love with me is so wrong I can't even believe it. I was and AM a very much loved daughter! My parents are always begging me to come home for dinner and I try to see them once a month. And yes, I think Sean does have a thing for me (you do not know our history) but I have made it very clear to him that we are friends. And yes, I used to see Alex and NO I did not have sex with him in Seattle! That is just speculation and hurtful. I can't understand how you people can be so spiteful.

(calming down)

I went to the doctor yesterday; I'll call him Dr. N. He was recommended by a friend of Alex's who lives out here in the LA area. He's supposed to be one of the best psychopharmacologists around, really listens to you and prescribes not just medication but also things like fish oil and yoga and medication. He believes in treating people holistically. I was really worried, because I have been seeing the same psychiatrist since I was 15, but he retired last year and I knew if I had to see one again it would be weird since I had been seeing Dr. P. (the old one) for close to ten years. But Alex said that Dr. N. was one of the best, and Julian offered to pay for me since Dr. N. doesn't take my insurance (and he isn't cheap). It was over in Beverly Hills which is a total nightmare to get to from Pasadena. I ended up being 20 minutes early, which was fine, since I had a ton of paperwork to fill out.

When I got to see Dr. N., he listened to me talk for twenty minutes about my current problems (visa, house, friend problems) and how I couldn't cope with it and I often ended up crying at work or at home, and how I sometimes drank a bottle of wine to just make the pain stop. I also told him about my long-standing anxiety issues and what had worked before. He diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and gave me a prescription for Zoloft for that, but he also said he could see I was in a lot of immediate anxiety so he gave me a prescription for Klonopin, which I've never had before. He also referred me to a therapist in my area for regular weekly sessions. I start next week.

So I went back to Pasadena and called Jen up and asked her to come over after her day was over to come and sit with me while I took my first dose of Klonopin since I had no idea what my reaction would be. She got to me about 6pm, and I took my first dose. It took about half an hour or so to kick in, but I started to feel really relaxed for the first time in months. It was like I was just spreading out, all the tension was just leaving and I felt loose and, well, like a puddle. Jen sat with me and we watched TV; well, she did, and I just kind of drifted in and out of consciousness. Wonderful!

I took today off too so I am at home and I just took a a dose, which really takes the edge off. I took it because I got the hard copy of the RFE notice. It turns out that I forgot to include enough proof of meeting in the past two years. I can't believe I forgot but apparently I didn't put in passport stamps that prove we have been together. What an idiot! I put in pictures and a long statement on how we met and all the time we have been together but I think I didn't include the passport stamps or anything that what VJ people call "primary" evidence. I think. Not really sure. I told Julian and he said he couldn't talk about it with me then but he would call me back. I just feel like it was really stupid but I guess the Klonopin is making me feel more like this just isn't a big deal after all. Alex just emailed me to see how I was doing and to give him a call. Since I can't talk to Julian I think I might do that. It would be good to hear his voice.

RFE Blues.

I wanted to post yesterday about how I feel like I had a breakthrough with getting along with Alex. And then I got the worst news. I have been logging in to the USCIS website to get updates on our case, and there have been touches. Lots of them, as I said before. But this time, there was something new. We had an RFE, a Request for Evidence, just like I thought might happen. Everyone on VJ has been so nice about this, really supportive, telling me that it isn't the end of the world and it will only slow me down a few weeks.

I know they mean to cheer me up, but at this point a few weeks feels like a few YEARS.  We have taken so long just to get here, went through two break ups (one which I thought was for good), and some other difficult stuff. I have tried to stay cheerful and positive (especially on VJ, where I feel like people enjoy attacking each other) but it has been so hard and I have failed to stay optimistic. Repeatedly. First, I couldn't reach Julian. I tried calling him, texting him, emailing him, and I couldn't reach him. He hasn't been on VJ in days so I couldn't even count on him looking at my posts. I know he had a work thing to do last night (his time) so that was part of it. I just wanted him to tell me it was all going to be OK, that this was just a bump and anyway he is coming here in under two weeks.

I tried until midnight his time, and then he called me back at 7am his time. I hadn't said in any of my messages what this was all about, because I wanted him to hear it from me. He asked what was going on that I called him 16 times last night when he had made it clear that he was at a business dinner and that if there were any real emergencies I was supposed to call his mother. (Believe me, I thought of that, but I can't bring myself to call her if I can avoid it.) I told him I had some really bad news.

J: Melissa, darling. What is it? Who died?

M: Oh Julian, I've been so stupid. So incredibly stupid. At least I think it was me. Maybe. I don't know.

J: Calm down. What did you do? Please, please don't say this has anything to do with Sean.

M: No! It's just... oh, Julian! We got an RFE!

J: What's an RFE?

M: You said you read all the guides on VJ! Oh Julian, it means that my petition hasn't been approved! I must have forgotten to put something in the package and they can't approve anything until I fix it.

J: You told me that everyone gets approved. Everyone! What did you do wrong, Melissa? How could be so bloody STUPID? I can't believe this.

M: I didn't mean to! I checked everything six times!

J: Well, you should have checked it seven times. Or had me check everything before I left California. You were almost finished with putting things together at that point. I could have checked it for you, and made sure it was perfect. I cannot believe I trusted you to do this. My mother was right -- I should have hired a lawyer to do this, not indulged you and let you be in charge.

M: Julian, I'm so sorry --

J: And now we're caught up in this system! This bloody typical American bureaucracy, all the red tape that goes with anything having to do with the government. You would not believe the red tape we have to deal with whenever we do a deal over in the States. It's ridiculous. And now you have stuck ME in the red tape because you can't read directions! It's probably because I'm British -- they probably have some Yank mentality about how many British people are allowed in. And this BP palaver certainly can't be helping.

M: Julian, I'm sure it has nothing to do with BP!

J: Yes, I KNOW that, Melissa. So, what do I need to do to fix this new disaster of yours?

I explained that all we can do is wait until we get the paper notice, which we will hopefully get before the week is over. He told me he wanted to call USCIS and demand an explanation, but I said I thought he probably wouldn't get any info that way. He said he was going to try anyway. He said he was too angry to speak to me any further, and I went to bed feeling like I had really failed.

Today I have tried to think positively about all of this. I stayed away from VJ (mostly) because it is too painful to see everyone else getting approved without an RFE. Julian and I haven't spoken yet but he sent me an email telling me that he called USCIS and he couldn't get anything out of them.

So now we sit and wait. And wait. My doctor's appointment is on Thursday and it can't come too soon. Pat, my neighbour, offered to roll me a joint and I said yes. It's sitting on my table in front of me and I think I may just have to have it. I've already smoked a pack of cigarettes today (VERY bad) and I have had half a bottle of wine. So what. Maybe getting drunk and high is what I need right now. I'm already a complete fuck up, why not keep going?

Thanks!

I just wanted to write something before I go to bed, because I plan on writing a little more tomorrow when I have time. It has been a very, very busy weekend with some surprises in it (some better than others).

I wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who has commented recently on my stresses and decision to get some help, even the ones who said not so nice things. I know I complain a lot about feeling alone, and reading all your comments -- especially the VJ people who have identified themselves, and also those who sent me PMs through VJ -- has made me feel not so much like there is no one who can understand.

I am still stressed about the NOA2. But your comments and the decision to see the doctor are having a positive effect on me. So thanks again everyone! I will write a real post tomorrow. I know this is a total "cliffhanger" (lol) but I had a really good talk with Julian and Alex about getting over some of the stupid stuff from the past. I feel like things are really improving with Alex and that is going to be another stressful thing I can get rid of!

Worrying.

I'm really, really worried about the touches now. We got another one and we still don't have the NOA2, which I really thought we would have had by now. I'm getting nervous that we're going to get an RFE, which is a Request for Further Evidence. This usually means that you have forgotten to put something in your packet or you forgot to sign something or whatever. But I know I checked the packet at least six times before I sent it, so I don't know what they would want. Maybe I celebrated too soon.

All the worry has been making me literally sick. I can't stop thinking about what would happen if we got an RFE. It could slow the process down for weeks. I can hardly sleep and I ended up talking in the middle of the night last night to Julian because I needed to feel connected to him. I feel so alone and he is so far away. He is really, really concerned about my health because I told him I feel like I can't eat anything and I can't sleep. He said I should think about seeing the doctor about this, and I should consider something like anti-anxiety medication. We talked about this again later in the day (after I got two hours sleep) and he said that Alex has a friend who knows a doctor in Beverly Hills, and that maybe I should go see him. I have had Ativan (Lorazepam) before when I broke up with Julian last year and it really helped. I would normally go to my own doctor, but Julian insists that this doctor is supposed to be the best, and he had looked up references and everything. He says not to worry that the doctor doesn't take my insurance because he will cover it. He just wants not to hear me crying all the time.

And it seems like all I did today. I kept having to run to the bathroom at work (the one on the fifth floor where it's just one toilet so you can lock the door and noone can come in) and cry and throw up. Or since I had nothing to throw up just dry heave. I know Julian is coming soon (he now has tickets for coming on the 10th) so just another 2 weeks until I can hold him again but I would give ANYTHING to have him here with me now. Talking to him is the only thing I can do to help how I feel, but sometimes hearing his voice just makes me too sad. We try skype video chats and that makes me feel even worse. It's like not hearing him is terrible but talking to him is also not helping as much as it could.

But I did call the doctor today and I have an appointment for next Thursday at 2pm. He's a psychopharmacologist and I have a feeling that I just need to go on medication for a week or so, just something to reset me and break this feeling that things are just completely messed up and I will never get my Julian over here. I know he's coming soon, but I mean get him over here for good.

Touches! Touches!

A while back on VJ, I asked what a "touch" was and it ended up with the thread being closed. But I did find out that a touch is when someone at USCIS looks at your file and then updates their system. If you sign up on the USCIS website, you can track what's happening with your file. I did and... we have had TWO touches in the past two days! I mentioned this on VJ and one of the other members said she thought this meant we are going to have a NOA2 (which means our petition for Julian to apply for the visa) any day!!!

I just called Julian and he told me to calm down because I was having problems breathing and I couldn't speak. He told me to be cautious and not to assume that it means an approval, maybe just someone is looking at the file. He agrees it is good news but not to start celebrating until I get the email confirming it. I don't care -- I am just SO happy!

I'll write a real post tonight with more stuff but I just wanted to share the news! HOORAY!!!

Slow weekend.

Well, it's been a fairly quiet weekend for me, except for yesterday when I was watching the England-USA match with Julian. I mean, we were watching it in our separate apartments 6000 miles apart, but we were talking on Skype while it was going on. Julian is much more of a rugby fan, but he really wanted to see England "show the Yanks how it's done." He predicted that England would win 3-0, so when the US tied with England in the end he was pretty furious. He said that if, oh god, what was that American player's name, Altidore? If Altidore had scored, Julian would have refused to go on with the visa. I kind of laughed at that, and asked if he was kidding. He paused for a moment and said (in a very flat kind of voice), "Yes, Melissa. Of course I'm kidding." Phew!

Actually, it kind of worried me for a moment, because I think that he doesn't see his moving over here to be permanent. I mean, he sees being together with ME as being permanent, just I wonder if he sees being here in America to be permanent. He said this thing on VJ the other day, just kind of as an aside, that maybe we would move back to England someday. This is news to me! He agreed to come over here because he knew how unhappy I had been over there. I was re-reading the beginning of this blog the other day, and I noticed I said the six months I spent over there were fantastic, but they really weren't. I felt lonely and isolated and so far away from everyone I knew and loved. I really like some of the food over there -- I must have, I put on ten pounds from all the custard creams I ate -- and the clothes are SO much better than here, but I just couldn't connect with people. Especially the women. I don't know, they just always seemed to be so cold to me. I had issues with Minty even before I had to move out of our flat. Jocasta has always been rude to me, and clearly doesn't think I'm a suitable wife for Julian. Oh god, don't even get me started on Amanda, Julian's ex.... I think he wanted us to be friends, and I really tried to be nice to her every time we were both at a party together, but she just ignored me. Acted like I wasn't even there unless Julian was standing there too, in which case she was "ever so nice", commenting on how lovely my dress was, or asking if I liked living in Bristol (or in London, when we were living there in 2008). Then he'd walk away to get us drinks, and she would immediately turn her back on me to look at her phone, or just stare at me really intently. Then Julian would come back and act all pleased that we were getting along so well.

Every time I tried to tell Julian that I didn't think Amanda liked me very much, he would say I was being ridiculous, that she was obviously very fond of me and that it meant SO much to him that we were friends. So I really do try to be nice to her when I'm over there, but since I don't plan on being over there any time soon (I might try to go over when he has his interview, if we ever get our NOA2!) it's not really an issue. I don't know what it is in particular that Amanda doesn't like about me. I mean, she's about as attractive as me so it's probably not jealousy over how I look. She and Julian had been broken up for almost six months when I met him, so it's not like I "stole" him away from her. I will keep trying with her though for Julian's sake. I know he sees her occasionally because they both live in London. I once asked Julian why Alex didn't go out with her, since she really seems his type. Julian explained that Amanda and Alex did try to go out for a while but found they just couldn't commit to each other, so they "date" occasionally. "When the mood strikes them, or one of them," Julian explained. As I said about Rachel, I just don't understand these people who can't commit to one person and see multiple people at one time! It just seems so cheap. When I think about how deep my love is for Julian because we are committed to each other alone, and how that love makes me a better person (I hope) I just don't understand why other people don't want the same thing for themselves.

I did see a couple of other houses this weekend, one was a five bed which was GORGEOUS but when I showed Julian where it was on the map he said it was hardly going to be a move up the ladder from where I live now, so that's off the list. The second was an itty-bitty three bed Craftsman, perfect Pasadena, all the details original and perfectly (and it looked very expensively) restored. Julian was not so excited by this idea, even when I told him a little bit about the Arts and Crafts movement in Pasadena, and what an important part of our cultural heritage it is. He told me he knew perfectly well what the Arts and Crafts movement was, and hadn't we spent a good bit of time in Liberty looking at period furniture and discussing the origins of the movement? I kind of remember this; I was actually really itching to get to the women's clothing department. Anyway, I told him that I thought it would be amazing to get an old house like this, and he said, "Old? It was built in 1910. My parents' house in Suffolk was 200 years old when that shack was put up." But I did get him to say that having a showpiece of a home -- something really unusual -- might not be a bad idea as long as there was at least one more bedroom.

So that's about it for today from Planet Melissa (what Julian calls it sometimes when I ramble on a little too much). Time for a glass of wine and a wander through the channels. Sigh. I hope our NOA2 comes soon, because I can't wait to have my sweet love with me here.

Compromising

I'm sure you saw all the comments yesterday on my blog. 20 comments... I would be flattered if some of them weren't so hurtful. I won't even bother to touch the one that claimed I was Julian's "beard" and that Alex was his lover, which is so ridiculous considering that I have had sex with both of them and I know they are both straight. There isn't ANYTHING sexual in their friendship AT ALL.

And as for Alex's attacks on me, they aren't really even worth replying to or explaining, beyond saying that Alex is convinced that I am only marrying Julian for his money and that that is the big secret that will come out. He's already told Julian a million times, so it's not like there's anything earth-shattering about it. Maybe that will explain to people why it seems like Alex has this big secret he hasn't told J -- he has! He just doesn't care and doesn't think it's true. It'd be funny if it wasn't so annoying.

Getting on to more important matters, I spoke to Julian about my ideas, my new ideas to keep working and maybe delay having a baby. He was a little surprised at first, and a little hurt to think that I hadn't told him what I really wanted to do with my life. He said he thought we had agreed a long time ago, in fact when we got engaged the first time, that I would quit work after the wedding and help him get settled and then support him in his work once his EAD (work authorization) card came through. He said this was a bigger job than I might have thought, and that his mother had always been perfectly happy in her role as his father's spouse. I said I was really happy to be his wife and support him like that, but I wanted to keep working because I needed it to be my own self, and if I wasn't my own self, then eventually I wouldn't be the woman he was marrying!

He paused for a second and then started laughing, which I was pretty insulted by. How dare he? I was spilling out my soul to him and he was laughing? He said, "Oh Liss, you have such a charming turn of phrase sometimes. Of course I want you to stay you." He asked me what exactly it was that I planned to do. I said I wanted to take some time off around the wedding, maybe a day or two before the wedding, and then two weeks off for our honeymoon in St Barts. Then I wanted to return to work like normal, and keep working there until I have a child. Basically, I want my life to be like it is now but with him here. We can get a maid to come clean twice weekly and I can cook as often as I can during the week.

Also, I don't want to have a baby right away. I'm not ready for it emotionally and I feel like we need to spend more time as a couple together before bringing a third person into this relationship. There are a lot of things I want to do with him before I have a child. I said I really do want to have a baby, maybe in a couple of years, but not right away. I said I knew this totally went against everything we agreed on back in late 2008 when we got engaged, but I was only 23 then and didn't realise how much I liked working since I hadn't even started at my job yet. I could tell he was angry at this point and no longer amused by what I had to say, because he was very quiet. He always gets really quiet when he's upset with me. I think he realized I was serious. So I asked him what he thought of my plan.

J: Melissa, when you agreed to marry me you also agreed to several conditions, didn't you?

M: Yes, Julian. But things have changed! I have changed!

J: But I haven't. Isn't it enough that I have gone along with your ridiculous requests -- to move to the States, to have the reception at your parents' house instead of the Huntington --

M: But that's always been my dream!

J: Your dream, Melissa, not mine. And as for your refusal to sign a pre-nup... My solicitors and my parents think I'm insane to marry you without one. But we won't have one as a sign of my commitment to you. Where is your commitment to me? I make a few small requests and you consent to them and then you turn around and say you don't "feel like it" anymore? Is that what you'll say to me five years from now about our marriage, that you don't "feel like it" anymore? Marriage is a commitment, Melissa.

M: And I'm ready to make it! I just want to be the best wife I could ever be for you. And I don't think I can do that if I'm not working.

J: My mother is perfectly happy not working. She raised Annabel and I, which was a big task in itself. She keeps the houses running and she helps my father in whatever way she can.

M: But she's old! I mean, from a different generation. And she never worked, not even before she married your dad. And she's not American! Maybe we do things differently, I don't know.

J: Melissa, this has nothing to do with my mother. This has everything to do with what you want to do. I will listen to you, so make it clear to me what you want.

M: I want to keep working and I don't want a child right away.

He didn't answer right away, which made me nervous. He told me he needed to take care of a call, and he would call me back within the hour, which I spent nervously waiting for him to call back. When he did, he had a proposition for me: how would I feel about working part-time? I couldn't believe it -- he was actually meeting me halfway! A real compromise! I feel so much like my new attitude about being assertive and acting like an adult is finally paying off.

I told him I would speak to John about this. I think he will probably be pretty happy to do that, because he already knew he was going to lose me later this year and he wasn't really that okay with me leaving because of how things are going with the Dutch client. But I'm thinking I will say something like (and Julian and I have come up with this plan) what if I just handle the one account with Marijke and the Dutch and nothing else? It takes up half my time anyway.

And as for the baby, he said we will see what life brings us. We don't need to start straight away, but if we're lucky enough to be blessed early on, we should realize it for the gift that a baby will be. I looked at that house yesterday -- yuck. Big enough, but the swimming pool was like a hole in the ground. But I really liked the realtor and she is setting up two nice 4 beds for me to look at tomorrow afternoon. Can't wait!

Another happy day

Another quick post from me -- I'm getting better, I hope, at cutting down on the babbling on. SUCH a beautiful day here in Pasadena, a bit windy, but so nice. I went to the Paseo Colorado and wandered around the stores, and managed to buy too much makeup at Sephora. (Julian refers to Sephora as "The Mothership" since I manage to always gravitate to one if it's in the area.) I also wasted some time in Jigsaw and Coach -- I almost bought a new handbag but Julian has said I probably have too many bags so I resisted. I thought about going to see a movie at the new ArcLight there, but I hate going to the movies on my own. It just makes me feel like I have no friends.

Speaking of which, I called Maven today to thank her for listening to me yesterday night talk all about my worries about the K1 visa. She said it was nothing, and that she always enjoys meeting VJ members. I asked her if she might have time to meet up again this week, maybe for a craft night since she knits (she showed me some pictures of her finished objects and they are cute!) and I have my scrapbooking. She said she'd see what she had in her week and let me know. She said she might say hello very briefly tomorrow since she has to see her friend Sara who lives about half a mile from me. I hope she does; I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment. Not only is Julian STILL 6000 miles away, Jen and Jenn are avoiding me. Jen at least still takes my calls, but Jenn has told me she is pissed at the way I am acting. She said she has had it up to here with my giving in to all of Julian's demands -- who I can talk to, how I can dress, what I do with my spare time. She told me that when I remember who Melissa is, I can call her. I'm glad I haven't told her about this blog, because now I can say this: Jenn is such a bitch. Why can't she see that I'm still me? If she loves me, she has to love Julian too. That's just the way it is. Maybe I'm glad to have a break from her.

Jen is talking to me, but every time we speak all she wants to talk about is Sean and how hurt he is by what is going on. I've told her again and again that I don't CARE if he hurts, since he put me in a situation where I almost lost my fiance. I told her that when she wants to talk to me about anything but Sean, she can call me. My mom called me today and said she sensed something was wrong with me, but I said no, nothing! And really nothing IS wrong -- I am just putting my foot down about how I feel about people and somehow people think that that is me being weak. I just don't understand that at all.

I told Julian all about my drinks with Maven and he seemed cautiously happy for me to have a new friend nearby. He told me to be careful not to tell her too many personal things before I know her well, because maybe she'll post things about us on VJ that might hurt us. I told him I didn't think THAT would happen. He said he would have preferred that I made friends with women my own age, but it's not like she's in her 40s or anything, and she has other friends who are my age.

So that's about it for today -- another good one. Keep them coming, and here's hoping my NOA2 arrives soon! I want Julian to come home to me right away. I miss him so much.

Drinks at the Snug

Wow! What a great evening with Maven (I kept calling her elmcitymaven on VJ, but she told me people refer to her as Maven on VJ). I promised I would keep her real name off of here so she will be Maven from now on. We ended up not going to the Blue Room after all, but to the Snug on Magnolia, because Maven said she got a little paranoid that I had posted on my blog (she is one of my readers!) that we were going to the Blue Room; she said you never know who reads these things. Not that she thought she or I would have a stalker, she said, but you never know how crazy people can be. Not a problem, except neither of us had ever been to the Snug, so we had no idea what to expect! It was a little loud later on, but we could hear each other pretty well.

Anyway, I wasn't sure what it would be like to meet someone from VJ, and I guess I kind of did think about what Julian said about people not being who they say they are on the internet, but Maven is a lot like what she really IS like on VJ, except she can swear (censored out on VJ) as much as she wants and is a little bit nicer, I think. She is also really small -- I wasn't expecting to meet someone shorter than me, but she's about 5 feet tall. Not how I pictured her at all! She told me I looked like I was a child, not anywhere near old enough to get married. :)

She told me a bit about her own visa journey -- she had lived in mostly London for 12 years, and had been married to two different English men. She and her second husband decided they were sick of living in London and wanted something new so they moved to America. Since they were already married AND living in the UK, they had a spousal visa called a CR1 and it took only 5 months to get. I told her I was jealous that she could live with her husband the whole time, and she said "You wouldn't be if you had to live with MY husband through that process. He was convinced the whole time that he was secretly HIV positive or had a conviction that he couldn't recall, or that they wouldn't like the cut of his jib at the interview."

This is also REALLY weird -- she was at Bristol too! She did a Masters there about 9 years before I did my year abroad. AND... her best friend there lived in the same block of flats I lived in while I was there! Neither of us could believe it, but it was true. She told me a little about what Bristol was like when she was there, and I did the same. It turned out we had two of the same favorite pubs -- The Coronation Tap and The Highbury Vaults. I said I could totally see her as one of the stressed out grad students we would see in the Vaults in the afternoons, and she laughed and said yes, she had been one of them!

She told me a little about some of the personalities on VJ, particularly in the UK forum, and who were her friends in real life there. She has apparently met about 10 people from VJ, and some of them have become very close friends. She had a lot of funny stories to tell about VJ people, and she told me who she couldn't stand at all, but I promised her I wouldn't say anything about that! She also asked me some questions about myself, about what I thought about my hometown, and what I thought of VJ in general and the visa process. She said she couldn't be a lot of help with the K1 process (K1 is the visa Julian and I are applying for), but she offered to be someone who would listen to my worries and fears and try to help with some of the things that have to be done when we get to the interview stage, since that is basically the same for the fiance and spouse visas.

She also told me she was a little concerned about how Julian seems to treat me on VJ and in this blog, although she said she was hardly going to tell me how to live my life. She said her first husband had been a bit of a bully when it came to her weight and appearance, and she found herself giving into a lot of crazy, manipulative behavior because she was blinded by love. I said I loved Julian the way he was, and that he isn't manipulative, he just happens to know a lot better sometimes than me about how to do things. Julian's just more practical than I am, that's just how it is. She looked a little uncomfortable, but said she would be here for me if Julian started acting like a "prat" once he gets over here.

I guess I started opening up to her, because I told her a bit about why J and I broke up in the first place. I haven't really wanted to get into this since it seems like it happened in another lifetime. Short version: J and I were members of an online forum, and Alex and one of his friends (or maybe it was just Alex, I still don't know) became members too, but using fake names. They made me their friend online and I was chatting away with them a lot. Then they started saying horrible things all of a sudden, like J was gay, and I was his beard; or that I was a golddigger and going to bleed him dry. At first Julian was so ANGRY he threatened to hunt the people down, because I was so upset; then Alex let him know it was him (and supposedly another friend) and all of a sudden J thought it was all so funny that I was taken in. I decided that I was sick of him choosing Alex over me and said that we were over, done with. We were all set to file the fiance visa but I never sent the papers. I let Julian know we were not going ahead. He said fine, he didn't care at all. There's a lot more, but it's a long story and although I told Maven a bit more about it, and about my more specific issues with Alex, I don't want to talk about them right now because I just want to focus on happier things.

I ended up giving her a ride home since she had been dropped off at the Snug by a friend and her husband wasn't around. Something is up there, I don't know what, but she just seemed a little sad when she talked about him and I told her then what I tell her now (since I assume she will read this!) -- sometimes it is just tough loving an Englishman! She laughed and told me yeah, she knew that TOO well! I came in for a cup of tea and I played with her sweet cat George. She gave me a hug when I left and she asked me if I had read her post about making sure women take care of themselves should something go wrong with their relationships. I said I hadn't really read it very closely, but I promised her I would.

So I have a new friend! How cool is that! Julian is calling me in half an hour and I can't wait to tell him all about Maven, since she is so funny and teases him about his money on VJ, saying she is going to be his mistress when he gets here. I have to say that at first that bothered me, but now that I know her, I know it's just her being silly.

Yay VJ! Yay Saturday nights! Yay getting to talk to my wonderful, wonderful, handsome fiance who I love more than anything else in the world. I love you, my Julian. I miss you.

Too much work, not enough sleep

I've been working some late nights recently, trying to finish this project at work for a really demanding Dutch client. Interesting working with the Dutch -- they're really, really direct and some times it comes off as just plain rude! I'm learning how to translate what they say in English to American, so I don't get offended all the time. Most of the team I work with over there are very friendly and respectful of the fact that I also have a little bit of a life outside of the office, which includes weekends. This weekend was spent in the office, however, dealing with the increasingly insane deadlines that one woman there keeps setting me. They are trying to break into the American market with their product and although I am DEFINITELY not allowed to say what it is, I can say that I think it is pretty unlikely that it will take off in America. So I'm trying to come up with a way to market a product that I don't believe in, for a woman I think is nuts. And living with Not Enough Sleep.

There are a few plusses along with it though -- I am able to call Julian in the morning his time (we just got off the phone); the 134 is practically empty and I can get home from work in 20 minutes; and a lot of Chinese food delivered to work. I have to stop pigging out on the Sweet and Sour Pork though or I will never fit into ANY wedding dress that wasn't a tent! Speaking of which, Jen is coming with my mom and me this weekend to start looking for a dress. A dress! This is for real! Even though I still don't know when the wedding day will be, or even what colors we'll have. I wanted chocolate brown and Tiffany blue, but Julian said brown at a wedding sounded terrible. He kept referring to it as "shit brown", even though I kept correcting him about it. I really want a Christmas wedding, but frankly I'm open to having it sooner rather than later.

When we get the next piece of paper from the US Citizen and Immigration Service (USCIS for short, thankfully!) we'll have a better idea of when his interview will be. I'm on this great website called Visa Journey, an internet forum where everyone is applying for their loved one (usually fiance or spouse) to come to the US from overseas. SO much fantastic information there! Some real weirdos and some rude people, but the info is still great. Some person on there was really rude to Julian today and basically accused him of trying to buy his way into America!!! Can you believe it? I set her (her? him?) straight -- that we are in love and that is why he is getting a fiance visa. We're really lucky that Julian is well-off, but I don't like to brag about it. It will take a lot of strain off us though. We'll be looking for a Craftsman house in Pasadena to buy, and I will be out of my little one-bed here in what I like to call ghetto-fabulous Pasadena -- the wrong side of the 210. But it saves me $500 a month to be two blocks on the wrong side! Julian is I think a little worried about living here with me in what he calls "just plain ghetto, Melissa" until we get a house, so I get to start looking soon -- yay!

So I am still trying to come up with colors... Julian said he would like something understated and classic, like a paler shade of the blue I was thinking of and off-white. I'll probably go along with what he says, since I'm pretty useless at deciding things like that! Whatever happens, we'll have the reception at my parents' house in Burbank. It's kind of non-negotiable! I've always wanted to have my wedding reception there, ever since I was a little girl playing Barbie wedding. Julian is hardly a Ken, but that's a good thing! So much to plan... Jen is my maid of honor, and Jenn is one of the three bridesmaids (I wanted a small wedding party) along with my cousin Stella and Veronque, who is flying over here from Bristol. She stayed on after everyone graduated and designs jewelry.

So.... I guess among all this happy stuff I should probably talk about what went on with "Richard" who I can safely call Alex now that he outed himself. Alex, if you're reading this (and you probably are) you aren't scaring me. I spoke to Julian about this, and he said that he and Alex had had a great night at Club Gascon and that he had made it really clear that he was coming over to the US because it was a real adventure and because he loves me. He also told Alex that it was probably best not to "poke at me with an pointy stick" (I totally don't get the reference, but whatever) and to stop harassing me. Alex agreed to but clearly he couldn't help himself. I called J and asked how Alex could possibly know about my blog, and J said that maybe, accidentally, he might have let Alex know about it, and that maybe possibly they looked at it on Alex's iPhone in the restaurant. Alex apparently remarked on what a charming style of writing I had, and Julian felt that when he said that it meant that all was well between us. I nearly lost it -- how could he be so naive? Of course Alex was going to post something snarky.

I told Julian he better tell Alex to cut it out, but J said he thought MY response was OTT, and that he couldn't find anything really mean in Alex's post -- and that he thought it was funny! It was a good thing I had so much work to pour myself into, because I did not speak to J from Saturday evening until just now, when we just spoke (and made up -- yay!). I am going to try to do what Julian tells me to do and ignore it. I will really try, because I love him so much.

So...um....hello!

What a way to get me to blog! There was a funny thing that happened this morning... I'm on a little online forum for people who are British but live in the US, or American who live in the UK, or are married/engaged to one of those two (confused yet?) and I linked to a blog I happened across where the blogger was talking about how much she missed grape jelly, and it was almost EXACTLY what we had been talking about on my forum just recently. Well, it turns out the poor lady we linked to had a stalker, and she thought all the extra traffic from our little forum linking through to her blog was the stalker, and we got her really, really worried!

Good news is we got it all sorted out in the end and now she knows we aren't any harm. But it got me thinking... I write a lot in my regular diary, one of the old-fashioned kind with a lock and key (I know it's sooooooo cheesy but it's what I like!) so why not do this online as well? There are so many changes coming in my life in the next few months and I would like to have a chance to share them with, um, I guess whoever reads this!!!

So hi! I'm Melissa (duh, pretty much everyone reading this is going to be one of my friends) and I live in Pasadena but I grew up in Burbank, CA where my parents still live. I'm engaged to Julian, who lives all the way over in London, England. His family are in Southwold, which is in the county of Suffolk on the east coast of England.

We met when I was doing a year abroad at the University of Bristol and we just clicked at a party. I didn't plan to go out there and fall in love but you know how it is... I had to go back to my senior year at college and Julian moved to London because what was my junior year was his final year (the English only do three years at university, not like us Americans!), but he was lucky enough to have a job. I visited him about 6 more times in my senior year, sometimes just for a few days. Every time it got harder to leave, so after I graduated in 2008 I spent 6 months with him in London and had the most GLORIOUS time! My parents were not so crazy about the whole "living in sin" thing but believe me, it was worth it! I got to experience one of the greatest cities in the whole world through the eyes of someone who actually lived there... I became an expert on riding the "Tube" and going to the supermarket... I loved Waitrose best. I also got to sharpen my housewifely (is that a word? ) skills because I couldn't work. I know how to make excellent roast beef and Yorkshire pudding now, and I took up scrapbooking which I absolutely LOVE.

So... about two weeks before I was due to leave England it was Christmas. My parents weren't so crazy about me being away but there is nothing like an English Christmas, especially for an Anglophile like me! Julian and I went to his family's house for the holidays and I was in for a big surprise. Not from "Father Christmas" but when Julian proposed... in front of his whole family on Christmas Day! I was so surprised and I jumped up and down and nearly knocked the tree over!

So we talked and talked and decided that we wanted to live in California. I love England, but I can't do the winters. I'm a SoCal girl, what can I say? So we had to start figuring out how to do this. Luckily my dad is a lawyer and he was able to get me an appointment with a great immigration attorney. He told me that I had two choices: I could either get married and have Julian come over on a spouse visa (the CR1) or he could come over as a fiance and we then get married over here (K1). The K1 is faster so I said, let's do that! We gathered up all the forms to be ready to file May 1st 2009, but then all sorts of crazy stuff started to happen... but that is for my next post.