Sorry

I haven't posted in a while, I know. There are a couple of reasons for this, some happy and some I could do without. I think I'll deal with the not-so-happy ones first. I am sick of the really negative and frankly rude comments I get on here. I have been accused of sleeping with my fiance's best friend, being an attention-seeker, being a gold-digger, drinking too much, getting addicted to pills... and the list goes on. And on. And on. And it has started seeping over on to VJ, where I can't even ask a question any more without getting attacked. And when I had an issue with Blogger -- which I have complained about in the past, with comments getting turned OFF and blocked beyond my control -- I got accused of turning anonymous comments back on. I left all your hurtful comments up there so you can see how ridiculous you sound. I won't even comment on the people who were saying borderline-stalker things.

So here is the deal with comments. I know you are all DYING to comment on my blog since you seem to like doing it so much. I am turning comments back ON but I will approve them all. If you are registered, your comment will be approved and I will post it. If you leave a name, I will probably post it. If you do not leave a name, and the comment is not attacking me, I will post it. Those are the rules. I'm not doing this because I'm an attention whore. I actually liked reading people's opinions, and I feel like the current system isn't working.

That's over. Phew. Back to real life. Well, we got our NOA2 last week, and now our case is at the National Visa Center (NVC). It got there on Monday, so I'm really hoping it will get sent to the London Embassy tomorrow or Friday. After it gets to the Embassy, everything really starts happening! Going by timelines, I think Julian should be getting his interview in October. It's a real pain, because I wanted to have an outdoor reception at my parents' house, but I don't think that is going to happen now. Assuming he gets his visa in mid-October, he still wants to wrap a lot of things up before he leaves. Which means that he will probably want to wait until Christmas to come over here, unless I can convince him otherwise. I told him that he should start wrapping things up NOW but he said he wants to wait until he has the visa.

But in the meantime, he has his LND number (his case number at London), which he needed to book his medical. He has one in about 3 weeks time. He also has been getting together all the other things he needs, like his birth certificate and his ACPO police certificate. He is also getting his "jabs" as he calls them updated so he won't need to do them at the medical. One of the VJ ladies (Jill) posted some GREAT info on how to speed up the process a little, and Julian has now downloaded all the forms he needs to send off when the Embassy contacts him to tell him to send his "Packet 3" back. We're all ready, we just need that P3!

Everything is going along well with the house. We're closing next week, but I will probably not move in completely until the end of the month so Rachel and I can start decorating. Rachel has been a little bit of a pain recently about the house. She promised months ago she would help me with the decoration and she seemed so excited. But now she says she doesn't have time for it, that her screenplay needs to be rewritten and she doesn't know how she can possibly be expected to do what is a favor to me when she is so busy. Busy? Ha! I know exactly what she is up to because she is so sloppy. I know for a fact that she is seeing a married man now, and I think he has something to do with her screenplay because I checked out his Facebook profile and he is in the business. It was soooo easy to figure out what was going on. All of a sudden, this older guy appears in her friends list, and she starts commenting on all of his posts, really flattering him. And he leaves cryptic little notes on her photos. It is so gross. If my parents knew, they would FREAK. But I will not say anything for the sake of family unity.

Oh god, and then Rachel was asking me about Alex! She saw a picture of him and Julian and me AGES ago when I emailed her one from Bristol, and she kept saying how hot he was, and did he have a castle or something. God, talk about gold diggers! I told her that Alex's family had a country house, yes, but they lost a lot of their money ages ago, and I bet they would want him to marry a nice rich American girl. Which she wasn't then (she was struggling to finish senior year) and isn't now (bartender). But since she's my friend on FB, and Alex is back on my FB list, she can see his pictures and she sent me an email about him with the subject line "Yum." She asked if it was really true he was going to be the best man, and was he single because she said she would totally do him. I said that that was completely believable, because there was hardly a guy out there she WOULDN'T do. She didn't talk to me for a couple of days after that. And of course I told Alex, who thought it was all really funny. I need to keep an eye on them during the wedding; I don't put it past my sister to try to sleep with him.

Hmmm. What else? Not much at the moment. Jenn and I are trying to see each other more and get over some of our issues. We had dinner the other night over at her place and it was pretty great, and she even managed to seem happier that Julian and I are getting married. Work is going all right; now it's August, all of Europe is on vacation so it's pretty quiet. I spend a lot of time thinking about what to do about my wedding. I made a couple of calls to local venues to see what I might be able to get around Christmas. There was an opening at a venue I really like on the 18th of December; Julian told me to reserve it just in case so I have today. He said to start doing the real planning now, getting back in touch with all the vendors I have already spoken to and put down deposits. I don't like the idea of December 18th though, but the next Saturday is Christmas Day and I don't want that either. Just stuck. But I suppose I will just get used to it.

So that means this weekend I'll be rethinking colors. AGAIN. If it's Christmas, I want something richer in color, maybe plum or dark green, with cream. Blah. But once I do, I have got to get everything going with the florist, and the bakery and everyone else. The invitations have been ready to go for ages and since they're just black engraved on white card I don't have to worry about colors. I just have to commit to a date. I guess I better make up my mind.

Changing things.

Part of me just wants to ignore every one of the words that was written here to hurt me, make fun of me, or belittle me. That's what Julian and some of my kinder readers have said to me here, on VJ and through PMs. But I would have to be a robot not to feel some hurt at what has been said.

Maybe I have chosen to make part of my life public, but I didn't MEAN to make it as public as I have, clearly. I meant for this to be a blog that I used to talk about what I'm going through with the visa. I mean, there are so many people on VJ who link to their blogs, and I never see THEM getting beaten up for what they write! I asked a simple question on VJ about whether I should close down comments because I knew if I asked here, I would just get attacked. Well, I got attacked on VJ as well.

So I have decided to make comments open only to those who register. If you really need to comment, you'll go through the trouble to register. Maybe it will make some people think before posting, and consider that I am a real life human being like you, with feelings and dreams and worries, just like you. If this blog is teaching me anything, it's that the people I have around me are a lot nicer than I had ever really appreciated.

I don't have a lot else to say right now; I miss Julian still so much. It looks like we will be closing on the house in a couple of weeks, and as soon as Julian and I have our names on the title I am giving notice on this apartment. Still waiting on our NOA2. Still at work, still dealing with Dana. Life just seems so much more dull without Julian around, and things I found interesting to talk about just aren't what I'm thinking about.

The only bright spot is that I have a good friend who is coming to visit next week -- totally a surprise! And something to distract me while I wait for my life to start again, whenever it is that God and USCIS let my fiance come home to me at last.

...and he's gone.

I know I haven't been very good with writing recently, but as you probably can guess I have been really busy with the house, and Jocasta, and of course Julian. He was on the 9:20pm flight tonight out of LAX, and I can't say how unbelievably sad I am now. Having him here, even with Jocasta for a big chunk of time, was heaven. And the next time he comes, it will be for good -- I don't forget that.

So, I meant to say a little about what happened when Jocasta had dinner with my parents. GOD. What a disaster! I knew it was going to be difficult. My parents are fairly liberal, and Jocasta is... much more conservative. It all started off when I said to Julian that it would be nice if we had dinner at my parents' house, but then he said he didn't want to impose, especially since his mum has really exacting standards and he didn't want to cause any friction because of this. He said we would be better off going to a restaurant, and a French one if possible. She had wanted to go to the hotel restaurant (which has a Michelin star) but it was closed on Mondays, and that would have been the natural place to go. The only place I could think of was Bistro 45, and THAT was closed too! I didn't know what to do. So I said we could go to Tre Venezie, which I think has a star, maybe. He said it would have to do at this short notice.

Well, Julian and I arrived first for dinner (15 minutes early, as he always is) and my parents were on time. Jocasta was 20 minutes late, which was really embarrassing, but she's his mother and I shouldn't feel too upset about it, I guess. He always forgives her. Jocasta was at least a little friendly to my parents, which I was grateful for. Julian chose a GORGEOUS wine for us (can't remember what) and I tried to help break the ice by saying how grateful I was to have Jocasta here to help choose a house. My mother said, "Well, Melissa, by the sound of it, YOU had a lot more to do with the choice than you give yourself credit for." Jocasta said that she wasn't sure that it was the house she would have chosen (and that the built-in cabinets were "rather common") but it was Julian's decision. My mother said under her breath, "And my daughter's, too."

It really kicked off though during the appetizers. Jocasta had encouraged me to have one, even though I said I shouldn't, because she said the food looked so lovely I shouldn't deny myself one. My mother seemed pleased, since she thinks I'm too thin anyway, but when the appetizers arrived (Jocasta of course didn't have one), she turned to me and said, "Well, you haven't had your first fitting for your dress yet, anyway. I'm sure it's easier at the first fitting to let a dress out." My mother asked her if she was calling me fat. Jocasta said of course not, I was just a healthy American farm girl. "What's the phrase -- corn fed?" My father snickered but my mother just glared and said nothing.

Main courses arrived, and by this point my father and Julian (who actually get along pretty well) were well into the third bottle of wine for the table (I don't blame them). My father asked Jocasta what she thought about the Tories coming back into power. She looked very smug and said, "The people have spoken, and it's clear they support the party with real ideas." My dad shook his wine glass at her and said, "What, steal from the poor and give to the rich? That's the oldest idea in the book." Jocasta said that was ridiculous, and what did my father want, wealth redistribution? And he said, sure, why not? Why not redistribute some of your money? And Jocasta said, "It seems that with your daughter marrying my son you have a perfect incidence of wealth redistribution to the common people." I thought my mother was going to slap her, and my father went beet red and then laughed hysterically. It was so embarrassing. We skipped dessert and we all went home after the main course.

Ummm, what else? Oh, yeah, Jocasta leaving. So we went with her to the airport, even though we didn't have to, because Julian wanted to see her off and he wanted me to as well. So we get to LAX, and she's all ready to go through security. Julian's given her many hugs and kisses, even though they're sure to see each other in Suffolk really soon, and she starts walking away and says to me, "Oh, good-bye, Amanda. Lovely to see you." Amanda. That's Julian's ex's name. She knows what my name is; she has called me Amanda on more than one other occasion just to drive me crazy, I know it. I've mentioned it before to Julian, and he just laughs and says I'm imagining things. But I know I'm not.

AND we got the RFE done. It wasn't very hard -- we just photocopied pages from our passports to prove we were in each other's countries during the past two years, plus Julian brought proof that he had opened a joint account at Child & Co for us while I was living there in 2008. So off it went (express delivery) and I'm sure it will be enough. I think we should be getting our NOA2 soon!

So... the house! I don't have much to do with the sale at this point -- the lawyers really are taking care of everything. Julian gave me power of attorney for the sale and also over a few other affairs, and added me to one of his US accounts and one in the Caymans, so I can handle anything that needs doing. Hopefully everything will be worked out in the next month, and I can give notice and move! It will be weird living in a big house by myself (well, me and Tibbs) but Julian will be with me soon. It was just so AMAZING to have him with me, and to have the weekend to ourselves. It was SO HOT, and Julian said he couldn't stand not having "proper air con" so on Friday we moved over to the Langham too. Soooooo nice. We barely left the room, except for me to go take care of Tibbs, and to go to the spa. It was the perfect end to this visit.

Happy. Very happy.

Not what I expected.

Julian is here now (he is asleep in the bedroom right now, so I am trying to be quiet typing). He came yesterday afternoon, and it was just about the most amazing thing to get to see him again, to be held by him again. When he came out of arrivals pushing his bags and looking a little lost and tired, I felt a rush through me, like the first time I realized I was attracted to him. He saw me and smiled, and waved a little, and I thought wow. This is really happening. And this is the last time he will come to America on the Visa Waiver Program. Next stop: K1! He just took me in his arms and held me tight, like he never wanted to let me go, and then took my face in his hands and smiled, then kissed me. He told me I was even more beautiful than he remembered, and how lucky he was to have me. I felt unbelievably light and happy. Like all of this is real.

He asked if we could get a porter for his bags, but I said no, I'd help push if he was tired. He said he had slept on the plane for about four hours, and that that was fairly easy in Business Class. He said First had been sold out when he booked the flight, but that Business was not too bad these days. We got to the Porsche and Julian checked it out a little (he did what he called a "proper" inspection of it today and said that although he was still disappointed I had not bought the Mercedes, that the Porsche was OK "for what it is"), then we loaded up the car and set off on the 110 for Pasadena. I had wanted the top down but Julian said that he didn't feel up to it just yet, and that on the freeway all the fumes might make him sick.

We got back around 5:30pm (I had had to wait for him to get through immigration; the good news was that they didn't even ask him to prove he had ties to the UK, he just had to wait in a really long line), and I ordered in some Chinese food since he loves the honey walnut shrimp from Go China. We just collapsed in a heap on the sofa while we waited, and he lay there with his head in my lap, snoozing a little while I just felt great. When the food came, I opened a bottle of wine (now I'm off the Klonopin I can) and we chatted a little about his flight and what we need to accomplish this week in terms of the house. When we couldn't manage any more food (I had way too much fried rice, I am not going to fit into my wedding dress if I keep eating like this), Julian asked if he could have a nap and I joined him. (lol)

We ended up getting out of bed again at around midnight, and we had a little more wine. We talked about Alex and how important it was for him that we get along again, and I said I was really trying, and Alex was too. I told him that Alex and I now talk about every other day for a few minutes, and that I'm slowly feeling like I can trust him again. J was very pleased to hear that. But I wasn't prepared for what Julian told me next at all. At all.

He kind of worked up to it this way. He said, "Melissa, there's something I need to tell you, and I probably should have told you before I got here. But I was so conscious of your delicate mental state that I felt I couldn't tell you, not when I couldn't be here." Uh oh, I thought. What is he going to tell me -- that he's secretly already married, that he wants me to move to England, what? And then he hit me with it.

"Melissa, I thought it would be useful for both of us to have additional help in our househunting, from someone who has done it more than once before." (OK, I thought, that leaves Alex out of it.) "I felt the best thing to do was to invite my mother to come and help us. She wants to help us get started on the right foot, and I think having her assistance will be extremely valuable."

Oh god. Jocasta. Jocasta? What do you mean, I asked him, your mother is coming? I don't have any space to put her up. I can't believe you didn't tell me! What am I supposed to do? I can't have her here to my apartment. She doesn't even LIKE me, and I told Julian that, but he told me I was just being silly, that his mother loved me like another daughter (not a compliment -- you should see the love she doesn't give to Julian's sister Annabelle) and that I would benefit from her help. And that she was arriving on Sunday night around 7pm, and going straight to the Langham so I wouldn't see her until Monday. Yes, tomorrow morning. I know he is doing this because he really thinks it will help, so I will try to get along with Jocasta for his sake. I don't have to like it.

I went back to sleep after this, and he stayed up and talked to his friend Jamie for a while. He eventually crawled back into bed around 5am. It was just so nice to be held again, and to wake up next to the man I love so much. I got up and tidied up a little, then called my parents to tell them Julian was safe and sound, and that we would be coming over for dinner that night as planned. I also told them about Jocasta and my mom was LIVID! She said, "How could Julian not tell you something as big as that beforehand?" I said it was because he was worried that I would react badly and he wouldn't be there to take care of me. She said she could understand that, but that I wasn't a little girl, and that he needed to treat me like a woman for a change. My dad was upset, but actually said he was looking forward to meeting "the famous Jocasta." I have a bad feeling about that. Their political beliefs are on opposite sides of the spectrum. I am going to have to ask him to behave.

Jen came over around noon (J was in the shower by that point) and the three of us went out to lunch (we had to take Jen's Prius) at Matsuri. Jen and Julian really get along, and we were all so relaxed I almost forgot all about Jocasta. I was just so happy to see Julian being himself, his real self, and seeing how people really can like him. After lunch J and I went back to the apartment and he took me for a ride on the 210 in the Porsche. It was a lot of fun, and we did get to have the top down. I felt just like I imagined it would be, with us just being HAPPY for a change. He complained a little about the sluggish automatic transmission, but he said he knew I couldn't drive stick.

We went to my parents' house for dinner at 7pm. Julian was on his best behavior and so were my parents. My mom really did look happy when she saw him, and he told her she was just as lovely as ever, and they even had a little hug. He shook my dad's hand, and told him how happy he was to be here with his daughter, and how proud he was to be making me his wife. We had a perfectly pleasant light dinner of sea bass and fennel, with apple pie for dessert (my favorite). My dad told some terrible jokes and my mom told us some really quite disgusting stories from work about people with broken limbs and blood everywhere. (Thanks, mom.)

We got back around midnight, after Julian and my dad had some whiskey in the living room. My mom and I talked about Jocasta while I helped clean up. She asked me how I really felt about it, and I said: scared. She told me that she didn't raise any chickens, just two beautiful daughters, and that if I was unhappy with anything Jocasta said to me, I should just say so. Ha! She doesn't know Jocasta, but I guess she will soon.

So tired, and I need to be up to meet Jocasta with Julian at 10am at the Langham, then on to view the properties. Big day, I'll need all the luck I can get.

Julian is almost here!

I know I haven’t posted in a little while – I got a few emails asking if everything is okay. I’m still alive! It’s just been really busy at work, and I’m getting ready for Julian to arrive later. I’ve been cleaning since I got home last night at 6, and I’ll probably be doing that until 2pm, when I need to leave for the airport. Put clean sheets on the bed, fresh towels in the bathroom, cleaned the fridge, vacuumed the whole apartment, dusted, washed out the litter box. I went to Ralphs and stock up on the things I know he likes to eat. I can’t believe the day is finally here! And then on Monday (which I have off because I went in on the 5th) we go and look at the houses so Julian can help decide which one will be our new home. It’s all so fast but so exciting!

So I went to see my new therapist Thursday night. I’ll call her Joanna (nothing like her real name). She’s in Glendale, which is a lot more convenient for me than Beverly Hills. She’s also a LOT cheaper than Dr. N, and she takes my insurance. I liked her right away. She’s about 35, and she dresses REALLY well (her shoes were definitely Jimmy Choos), so it doesn’t feel like I’m having a conversation with someone like my mom. (I have had two therapists like that and it always felt like I was being lectured.) We talked about what I think my problems are – visa, wedding, moving to part-time work, friends, being away from my fiancé, my family – and my feelings that I just can’t cope with it all. I told her about the GAD diagnosis and the Klonopin and the Zoloft. She just listened to me for a while, and then she said she could see that I was under a lot of stress, but that a lot of it seemed to be stress I was making for myself. She said we should try cognitive behavioral therapy, which I have tried before, but it never worked. But I said I was willing to try. She recommended some books for me to read and said she thought I needed to wean myself off the Klonopin. I had been on it a week at that point, and I was down to taking half a pill a day anyway, so my last half was last night. She also said I should look at other techniques for dealing with stress, like yoga and exercise.

I feel so much more together from all the stuff I have been doing recently to make myself better – the diagnosis, the anti-anxiety medication, therapy, and most importantly talking to Julian about how I feel without feeling too guilty. It’s like I’m finally starting to realize that I can be myself in this relationship, and that I don’t have to worry that he’s going to leave me if I do something wrong.  Again and again he forgives me, and does things that are amazing just to make me feel better. He said that he knows I am more delicate than he is, and that he needs to handle me carefully and with love, and that he’ll do what he needs to to protect me. And I know he means it. I know some people don’t understand our relationship – they think he’s bossy, and that I just give in to whatever he says – but we know we love and cherish each other, and ultimately that is the most important thing at stake here. We want to set up our new life here together and be happy, just like everyone else. We want a quiet life together, and I want to be an amazing wife to Julian, and someday mother to his children.

And he will be here in just over three hours! I’d better get in the shower now and get ready. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it!

I can't sleep.

I know I'm not supposed to take a Klonopin this late, so I haven't, but I really feel like I need to. I can't sleep and I don't really feel like I can talk about what is bothering me without breaking a promise I made.

There's nothing more to say now. It's 3:16AM and I'm still here, my brain is still flipping over on itself and I feel like my thoughts are racing. I took the Klonopin so long ago and I'm supposed to be up in 4 hours to got to work. What am I supposed to do? It's been 9 hours since I took a pill, so I guess it isn't SO bad that I'm having a glass of wine to calm down.

I just want to sleep. I want to sleep for a day or two and forget about all of this.

Another day.

So day three (four?) on the Klonopin. I know I only can take it twice a day and for a week. I can't have any tomorrow during the day since I've already taken so much time off of work. Dana emailed me on Friday asking when I'm coming back because it's embarrassing how much time I get to have off while she's in there every day. She actually asked me who I was sleeping with to get away with the stuff I do. So disrespectful. But I'm going back tomorrow anyway so she will just have to deal with it.

The Klonopin really does keep me together, which I need since Julian was so angry about the RFE being my fault. He said over and over how careless he'd been to assume I knew what I was doing with the I-129F. He said that when he comes over at the end of this week he would take control of the RFE so there wouldn't be any further mistakes. We can't afford to be delayed any further. I was pretty upset at the time he said this, but I know he's right. It will be good not to have to have this be my responsibility any more. He's so much better at these things anyway. He's pretty much forgiven me for all the hassle I've caused him. I'm just going to focus on him coming over and being in a better frame of mind.

I did speak to Alex the other day. It is so great to know he is no longer trying to attack me. I don't really know what made him change his mind, only that he's being so nice to me. It reminds me a lot of the old days, when I used to be able to talk to him for HOURS, and it seemed he understood me better than anyone else. We really were good friends once, and even through all of the crazy we've been through over the years I guess a part of me has always missed him and missed our talks. We used to stay up all night, even after he was back with Amanda and I was back with Julian, and we would share everything. I now really regret not being honest about this. But at some point I guess he just got sick of me talking about all the little problems I was having with Julian and he thought we would be better apart. He was wrong, but I know it came from a place of love. It was misguided and did break up Julian and me, but I know he meant the best for us both.

I'm actually really looking forward to seeing him at the wedding. I told him this and he asked me not to talk about the wedding. He said that even though we were all friends now, he still thought it was a bad idea. He said some things that were brutally honest that I don't want to mention. He asked me to reconsider, and told me he keeps telling Julian the same thing. I know why he thinks it's wrong, but what he says is right for me is also wrong. The past is a long time ago.

So back to work tomorrow. I'm actually looking forward to it!

Moving forward

I stayed away from my blog and from VJ all day yesterday, and it looks like everyone felt like they needed to make a comment on my life. Some of you people don't even sound real, you're so cruel. The person who said I wasn't loved as a child and that's why I make it seem like everyone's in love with me is so wrong I can't even believe it. I was and AM a very much loved daughter! My parents are always begging me to come home for dinner and I try to see them once a month. And yes, I think Sean does have a thing for me (you do not know our history) but I have made it very clear to him that we are friends. And yes, I used to see Alex and NO I did not have sex with him in Seattle! That is just speculation and hurtful. I can't understand how you people can be so spiteful.

(calming down)

I went to the doctor yesterday; I'll call him Dr. N. He was recommended by a friend of Alex's who lives out here in the LA area. He's supposed to be one of the best psychopharmacologists around, really listens to you and prescribes not just medication but also things like fish oil and yoga and medication. He believes in treating people holistically. I was really worried, because I have been seeing the same psychiatrist since I was 15, but he retired last year and I knew if I had to see one again it would be weird since I had been seeing Dr. P. (the old one) for close to ten years. But Alex said that Dr. N. was one of the best, and Julian offered to pay for me since Dr. N. doesn't take my insurance (and he isn't cheap). It was over in Beverly Hills which is a total nightmare to get to from Pasadena. I ended up being 20 minutes early, which was fine, since I had a ton of paperwork to fill out.

When I got to see Dr. N., he listened to me talk for twenty minutes about my current problems (visa, house, friend problems) and how I couldn't cope with it and I often ended up crying at work or at home, and how I sometimes drank a bottle of wine to just make the pain stop. I also told him about my long-standing anxiety issues and what had worked before. He diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and gave me a prescription for Zoloft for that, but he also said he could see I was in a lot of immediate anxiety so he gave me a prescription for Klonopin, which I've never had before. He also referred me to a therapist in my area for regular weekly sessions. I start next week.

So I went back to Pasadena and called Jen up and asked her to come over after her day was over to come and sit with me while I took my first dose of Klonopin since I had no idea what my reaction would be. She got to me about 6pm, and I took my first dose. It took about half an hour or so to kick in, but I started to feel really relaxed for the first time in months. It was like I was just spreading out, all the tension was just leaving and I felt loose and, well, like a puddle. Jen sat with me and we watched TV; well, she did, and I just kind of drifted in and out of consciousness. Wonderful!

I took today off too so I am at home and I just took a a dose, which really takes the edge off. I took it because I got the hard copy of the RFE notice. It turns out that I forgot to include enough proof of meeting in the past two years. I can't believe I forgot but apparently I didn't put in passport stamps that prove we have been together. What an idiot! I put in pictures and a long statement on how we met and all the time we have been together but I think I didn't include the passport stamps or anything that what VJ people call "primary" evidence. I think. Not really sure. I told Julian and he said he couldn't talk about it with me then but he would call me back. I just feel like it was really stupid but I guess the Klonopin is making me feel more like this just isn't a big deal after all. Alex just emailed me to see how I was doing and to give him a call. Since I can't talk to Julian I think I might do that. It would be good to hear his voice.

RFE Blues.

I wanted to post yesterday about how I feel like I had a breakthrough with getting along with Alex. And then I got the worst news. I have been logging in to the USCIS website to get updates on our case, and there have been touches. Lots of them, as I said before. But this time, there was something new. We had an RFE, a Request for Evidence, just like I thought might happen. Everyone on VJ has been so nice about this, really supportive, telling me that it isn't the end of the world and it will only slow me down a few weeks.

I know they mean to cheer me up, but at this point a few weeks feels like a few YEARS.  We have taken so long just to get here, went through two break ups (one which I thought was for good), and some other difficult stuff. I have tried to stay cheerful and positive (especially on VJ, where I feel like people enjoy attacking each other) but it has been so hard and I have failed to stay optimistic. Repeatedly. First, I couldn't reach Julian. I tried calling him, texting him, emailing him, and I couldn't reach him. He hasn't been on VJ in days so I couldn't even count on him looking at my posts. I know he had a work thing to do last night (his time) so that was part of it. I just wanted him to tell me it was all going to be OK, that this was just a bump and anyway he is coming here in under two weeks.

I tried until midnight his time, and then he called me back at 7am his time. I hadn't said in any of my messages what this was all about, because I wanted him to hear it from me. He asked what was going on that I called him 16 times last night when he had made it clear that he was at a business dinner and that if there were any real emergencies I was supposed to call his mother. (Believe me, I thought of that, but I can't bring myself to call her if I can avoid it.) I told him I had some really bad news.

J: Melissa, darling. What is it? Who died?

M: Oh Julian, I've been so stupid. So incredibly stupid. At least I think it was me. Maybe. I don't know.

J: Calm down. What did you do? Please, please don't say this has anything to do with Sean.

M: No! It's just... oh, Julian! We got an RFE!

J: What's an RFE?

M: You said you read all the guides on VJ! Oh Julian, it means that my petition hasn't been approved! I must have forgotten to put something in the package and they can't approve anything until I fix it.

J: You told me that everyone gets approved. Everyone! What did you do wrong, Melissa? How could be so bloody STUPID? I can't believe this.

M: I didn't mean to! I checked everything six times!

J: Well, you should have checked it seven times. Or had me check everything before I left California. You were almost finished with putting things together at that point. I could have checked it for you, and made sure it was perfect. I cannot believe I trusted you to do this. My mother was right -- I should have hired a lawyer to do this, not indulged you and let you be in charge.

M: Julian, I'm so sorry --

J: And now we're caught up in this system! This bloody typical American bureaucracy, all the red tape that goes with anything having to do with the government. You would not believe the red tape we have to deal with whenever we do a deal over in the States. It's ridiculous. And now you have stuck ME in the red tape because you can't read directions! It's probably because I'm British -- they probably have some Yank mentality about how many British people are allowed in. And this BP palaver certainly can't be helping.

M: Julian, I'm sure it has nothing to do with BP!

J: Yes, I KNOW that, Melissa. So, what do I need to do to fix this new disaster of yours?

I explained that all we can do is wait until we get the paper notice, which we will hopefully get before the week is over. He told me he wanted to call USCIS and demand an explanation, but I said I thought he probably wouldn't get any info that way. He said he was going to try anyway. He said he was too angry to speak to me any further, and I went to bed feeling like I had really failed.

Today I have tried to think positively about all of this. I stayed away from VJ (mostly) because it is too painful to see everyone else getting approved without an RFE. Julian and I haven't spoken yet but he sent me an email telling me that he called USCIS and he couldn't get anything out of them.

So now we sit and wait. And wait. My doctor's appointment is on Thursday and it can't come too soon. Pat, my neighbour, offered to roll me a joint and I said yes. It's sitting on my table in front of me and I think I may just have to have it. I've already smoked a pack of cigarettes today (VERY bad) and I have had half a bottle of wine. So what. Maybe getting drunk and high is what I need right now. I'm already a complete fuck up, why not keep going?

Worrying.

I'm really, really worried about the touches now. We got another one and we still don't have the NOA2, which I really thought we would have had by now. I'm getting nervous that we're going to get an RFE, which is a Request for Further Evidence. This usually means that you have forgotten to put something in your packet or you forgot to sign something or whatever. But I know I checked the packet at least six times before I sent it, so I don't know what they would want. Maybe I celebrated too soon.

All the worry has been making me literally sick. I can't stop thinking about what would happen if we got an RFE. It could slow the process down for weeks. I can hardly sleep and I ended up talking in the middle of the night last night to Julian because I needed to feel connected to him. I feel so alone and he is so far away. He is really, really concerned about my health because I told him I feel like I can't eat anything and I can't sleep. He said I should think about seeing the doctor about this, and I should consider something like anti-anxiety medication. We talked about this again later in the day (after I got two hours sleep) and he said that Alex has a friend who knows a doctor in Beverly Hills, and that maybe I should go see him. I have had Ativan (Lorazepam) before when I broke up with Julian last year and it really helped. I would normally go to my own doctor, but Julian insists that this doctor is supposed to be the best, and he had looked up references and everything. He says not to worry that the doctor doesn't take my insurance because he will cover it. He just wants not to hear me crying all the time.

And it seems like all I did today. I kept having to run to the bathroom at work (the one on the fifth floor where it's just one toilet so you can lock the door and noone can come in) and cry and throw up. Or since I had nothing to throw up just dry heave. I know Julian is coming soon (he now has tickets for coming on the 10th) so just another 2 weeks until I can hold him again but I would give ANYTHING to have him here with me now. Talking to him is the only thing I can do to help how I feel, but sometimes hearing his voice just makes me too sad. We try skype video chats and that makes me feel even worse. It's like not hearing him is terrible but talking to him is also not helping as much as it could.

But I did call the doctor today and I have an appointment for next Thursday at 2pm. He's a psychopharmacologist and I have a feeling that I just need to go on medication for a week or so, just something to reset me and break this feeling that things are just completely messed up and I will never get my Julian over here. I know he's coming soon, but I mean get him over here for good.

Almost an NOA2!

Just a quick post tonight, I just got home from Timmy Nolans (went there because was seeing Rachel on her night off and she won't go east of Burbank unless it's to go to Sephora) and Jen and Jenn came too. We were celebrating the touches and I had a few beers and the calamari which was great as always.

So excited to see if something is on the USCIS website about our NOA2. All of this is so great, with Julian coming in about 3 weeks and the house and evrything. So happy that I'm friends with Sean again and Alex isn't being such an asshole anymore.

I know I had to be ready for people being rude when I opened comments again. I am not an alcoholic and J is not a drug addict! I happen to have a few drinks a week, not a lot. I don't need to drink to relax or anything. I can't believe people think I have a problem! Yeah, I went out tonight. To celebrate. And I ate and everything! And Julian does not have a cocaine addiction. That whole thing with the picture was a JOKE with flour not cocaine. And anyway, it's been months since Julian did cocaine. God.

I'm going to bed. Hopefully there will be good news in the morning! Many thanks to the people who have been so nice to me recently on here and on VJ. It means so much to me.

Touches! Touches!

A while back on VJ, I asked what a "touch" was and it ended up with the thread being closed. But I did find out that a touch is when someone at USCIS looks at your file and then updates their system. If you sign up on the USCIS website, you can track what's happening with your file. I did and... we have had TWO touches in the past two days! I mentioned this on VJ and one of the other members said she thought this meant we are going to have a NOA2 (which means our petition for Julian to apply for the visa) any day!!!

I just called Julian and he told me to calm down because I was having problems breathing and I couldn't speak. He told me to be cautious and not to assume that it means an approval, maybe just someone is looking at the file. He agrees it is good news but not to start celebrating until I get the email confirming it. I don't care -- I am just SO happy!

I'll write a real post tonight with more stuff but I just wanted to share the news! HOORAY!!!

Work and VJ -- two big pains.

What a horrible, horrible day. I got to leave the office around 5 even though I wasn't really done, because I just couldn't take the atmosphere in there anymore, and because I had two viewings scheduled for this evening (I had two yesterday night but neither was really what I was looking for). It's annual assessment time right now, and it's almost my turn (I'm scheduled for Tuesday) but in the meantime I get to see all my co-workers go through this. I'm lucky to have a champion in my boss John, but many of my colleagues don't have that kind of support. If I do well this year (it's my first real one -- when it was assessment time last year I had only been there for 4 months so I got what John called a "mid-term grade") it will be because of him, I know it. I saw Dana, who Julian calls my nemesis, come out of one of the conference rooms with red eyes and a kleenex in her hand. I watched her as discreetly as I could over the half-divider that separates our cubicles. She wasn't packing any of her stuff so I guess she's safe, but whatever was said to her couldn't have been good. I saw a couple of other people around my level come out of the conference rooms with similar expressions. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous. I have the weekend and Monday to think about my performance. John said I shouldn't be too worried, and that my dedication and hard work have been remarked upon, especially all the late night webinars and early morning teleconferences I have volunteered for.

I spoke with John about my plan to go part time instead of quitting. He sounded really enthusiastic about this and said he would speak to our COO about this, but that it was certainly something he could get behind. I told him I wanted to be responsible only for the Dutch account and that I could easily fill 20 hours a week with that. John said that this will only be for the best for my assessment. I really think I can do this right -- working part time and helping Julian, well, full time get adjusted to living in California.

Hmm. I am not really sure how to talk about this, or if I want to talk about it, because certain people think that I am sharing too much on this blog. I mean, it's MY blog and if my fiancé doesn't have an issue with what I am saying, why should anyone else care? Isn't a blog supposed to be a safe place for people to talk about their experiences? Should I only talk about things like what I ate for dinner (tonight it was a chopped salad and a Diet Coke) or how my workout at the gym was tonight (really good) or the houses I saw tonight (I will write about that more)? I feel like if people are offended by what I write they shouldn't read. And it's not like I am writing anything about the people on VJ who are making comments about me! So frustrated.

Anyway, okay, here it is. Julian got into a really embarrassing series of posts on VJ about our upcoming honeymoon. I had thought we could go to St. Barts, but it turns out we can only go to somewhere in the US until Julian has his greencard. Wow, simple question and simple answer, right? Julian was not really happy about this, because he LOVES St. Barts and wanted to show me the place and share it with me. He isn't keen about going to Hawaii or Puerto Rico because he wanted something really intimate, really discreet, and he had somewhere in mind in St. Barts. But then Julian went on and was really, really blunt and probably went a little overboard in his criticisms of the USA.

Everyone was attacking him, and someone even said he was emotionally abusing me! Unbelievable. I mean, like I would stay with someone who was abusing me! Emotional abuse is no joke, I have a cousin who went through it. Her boyfriend never let her leave the house or see the rest of the family. He made her life hell. He made her quit everything that made her happy. One day she finally broke free and she is much, much better off. But Julian DOESN'T do any of that. He agreed that I could keep working. He said it was good that I was talking to Jen and Jenn again. He loves my parents and we are moving to within 15 miles of them so I can stay close instead of me moving there, where I wasn't really very happy but where he has a terrific life that he will miss very, very much. He doesn't object to me keeping this blog. He always tells me how beautiful and sweet and lovely I am. He is just a little old-fashioned and has very strong views about things that he expresses because he feels he has to tell people when they are being stupid. He can't stand stupidity.

I tried to get him to stop -- we were chatting on Skype as it was going on online -- but he kept saying that these people will never learn, so why not have a little fun with them? He was teasing them all, saying outrageous things that are actually slightly more extreme versions of what he feels. I told him to stop since people obviously didn't get it was a joke. And what people had to say back to him... wow. So many insults. Maven taught me a VJ saying and I will say it tonight: VJ, sheesh.

Anyway, I had already cleared my early leaving with John, and I went out to look at a couple of houses. One of them might be the sort of thing I'm looking for. It has four bedrooms and 2 1/2 baths, a living room, drawing room, big kitchen... Gorgeous backyard with tons of beautiful flowering shrubs and mature trees... And the doors of the kitchen open up to the garden and it almost flows from inside to outside. It feels a little like home. I sent Julian the details but he was asleep when I sent them so I don't know what he will think. It's the first one I have seen that I have felt this way about. I know it's early but maybe!

Too much work, not enough sleep

I've been working some late nights recently, trying to finish this project at work for a really demanding Dutch client. Interesting working with the Dutch -- they're really, really direct and some times it comes off as just plain rude! I'm learning how to translate what they say in English to American, so I don't get offended all the time. Most of the team I work with over there are very friendly and respectful of the fact that I also have a little bit of a life outside of the office, which includes weekends. This weekend was spent in the office, however, dealing with the increasingly insane deadlines that one woman there keeps setting me. They are trying to break into the American market with their product and although I am DEFINITELY not allowed to say what it is, I can say that I think it is pretty unlikely that it will take off in America. So I'm trying to come up with a way to market a product that I don't believe in, for a woman I think is nuts. And living with Not Enough Sleep.

There are a few plusses along with it though -- I am able to call Julian in the morning his time (we just got off the phone); the 134 is practically empty and I can get home from work in 20 minutes; and a lot of Chinese food delivered to work. I have to stop pigging out on the Sweet and Sour Pork though or I will never fit into ANY wedding dress that wasn't a tent! Speaking of which, Jen is coming with my mom and me this weekend to start looking for a dress. A dress! This is for real! Even though I still don't know when the wedding day will be, or even what colors we'll have. I wanted chocolate brown and Tiffany blue, but Julian said brown at a wedding sounded terrible. He kept referring to it as "shit brown", even though I kept correcting him about it. I really want a Christmas wedding, but frankly I'm open to having it sooner rather than later.

When we get the next piece of paper from the US Citizen and Immigration Service (USCIS for short, thankfully!) we'll have a better idea of when his interview will be. I'm on this great website called Visa Journey, an internet forum where everyone is applying for their loved one (usually fiance or spouse) to come to the US from overseas. SO much fantastic information there! Some real weirdos and some rude people, but the info is still great. Some person on there was really rude to Julian today and basically accused him of trying to buy his way into America!!! Can you believe it? I set her (her? him?) straight -- that we are in love and that is why he is getting a fiance visa. We're really lucky that Julian is well-off, but I don't like to brag about it. It will take a lot of strain off us though. We'll be looking for a Craftsman house in Pasadena to buy, and I will be out of my little one-bed here in what I like to call ghetto-fabulous Pasadena -- the wrong side of the 210. But it saves me $500 a month to be two blocks on the wrong side! Julian is I think a little worried about living here with me in what he calls "just plain ghetto, Melissa" until we get a house, so I get to start looking soon -- yay!

So I am still trying to come up with colors... Julian said he would like something understated and classic, like a paler shade of the blue I was thinking of and off-white. I'll probably go along with what he says, since I'm pretty useless at deciding things like that! Whatever happens, we'll have the reception at my parents' house in Burbank. It's kind of non-negotiable! I've always wanted to have my wedding reception there, ever since I was a little girl playing Barbie wedding. Julian is hardly a Ken, but that's a good thing! So much to plan... Jen is my maid of honor, and Jenn is one of the three bridesmaids (I wanted a small wedding party) along with my cousin Stella and Veronque, who is flying over here from Bristol. She stayed on after everyone graduated and designs jewelry.

So.... I guess among all this happy stuff I should probably talk about what went on with "Richard" who I can safely call Alex now that he outed himself. Alex, if you're reading this (and you probably are) you aren't scaring me. I spoke to Julian about this, and he said that he and Alex had had a great night at Club Gascon and that he had made it really clear that he was coming over to the US because it was a real adventure and because he loves me. He also told Alex that it was probably best not to "poke at me with an pointy stick" (I totally don't get the reference, but whatever) and to stop harassing me. Alex agreed to but clearly he couldn't help himself. I called J and asked how Alex could possibly know about my blog, and J said that maybe, accidentally, he might have let Alex know about it, and that maybe possibly they looked at it on Alex's iPhone in the restaurant. Alex apparently remarked on what a charming style of writing I had, and Julian felt that when he said that it meant that all was well between us. I nearly lost it -- how could he be so naive? Of course Alex was going to post something snarky.

I told Julian he better tell Alex to cut it out, but J said he thought MY response was OTT, and that he couldn't find anything really mean in Alex's post -- and that he thought it was funny! It was a good thing I had so much work to pour myself into, because I did not speak to J from Saturday evening until just now, when we just spoke (and made up -- yay!). I am going to try to do what Julian tells me to do and ignore it. I will really try, because I love him so much.

So...um....hello!

What a way to get me to blog! There was a funny thing that happened this morning... I'm on a little online forum for people who are British but live in the US, or American who live in the UK, or are married/engaged to one of those two (confused yet?) and I linked to a blog I happened across where the blogger was talking about how much she missed grape jelly, and it was almost EXACTLY what we had been talking about on my forum just recently. Well, it turns out the poor lady we linked to had a stalker, and she thought all the extra traffic from our little forum linking through to her blog was the stalker, and we got her really, really worried!

Good news is we got it all sorted out in the end and now she knows we aren't any harm. But it got me thinking... I write a lot in my regular diary, one of the old-fashioned kind with a lock and key (I know it's sooooooo cheesy but it's what I like!) so why not do this online as well? There are so many changes coming in my life in the next few months and I would like to have a chance to share them with, um, I guess whoever reads this!!!

So hi! I'm Melissa (duh, pretty much everyone reading this is going to be one of my friends) and I live in Pasadena but I grew up in Burbank, CA where my parents still live. I'm engaged to Julian, who lives all the way over in London, England. His family are in Southwold, which is in the county of Suffolk on the east coast of England.

We met when I was doing a year abroad at the University of Bristol and we just clicked at a party. I didn't plan to go out there and fall in love but you know how it is... I had to go back to my senior year at college and Julian moved to London because what was my junior year was his final year (the English only do three years at university, not like us Americans!), but he was lucky enough to have a job. I visited him about 6 more times in my senior year, sometimes just for a few days. Every time it got harder to leave, so after I graduated in 2008 I spent 6 months with him in London and had the most GLORIOUS time! My parents were not so crazy about the whole "living in sin" thing but believe me, it was worth it! I got to experience one of the greatest cities in the whole world through the eyes of someone who actually lived there... I became an expert on riding the "Tube" and going to the supermarket... I loved Waitrose best. I also got to sharpen my housewifely (is that a word? ) skills because I couldn't work. I know how to make excellent roast beef and Yorkshire pudding now, and I took up scrapbooking which I absolutely LOVE.

So... about two weeks before I was due to leave England it was Christmas. My parents weren't so crazy about me being away but there is nothing like an English Christmas, especially for an Anglophile like me! Julian and I went to his family's house for the holidays and I was in for a big surprise. Not from "Father Christmas" but when Julian proposed... in front of his whole family on Christmas Day! I was so surprised and I jumped up and down and nearly knocked the tree over!

So we talked and talked and decided that we wanted to live in California. I love England, but I can't do the winters. I'm a SoCal girl, what can I say? So we had to start figuring out how to do this. Luckily my dad is a lawyer and he was able to get me an appointment with a great immigration attorney. He told me that I had two choices: I could either get married and have Julian come over on a spouse visa (the CR1) or he could come over as a fiance and we then get married over here (K1). The K1 is faster so I said, let's do that! We gathered up all the forms to be ready to file May 1st 2009, but then all sorts of crazy stuff started to happen... but that is for my next post.