It felt like summer.

Yesterday I took the new car (still thinking of a name -- it's definitely a he though!) to go see Sean and have a day trip to Malibu. I had a bit of a late start, because my friends were over until 3am and we drank a LOT of margaritas. I seem to recall Caitlin at one point saying that she was thinking about buying a Margaritaville machine if we were going to do this again. Which made everyone laugh hysterically and then Jenn knocked over a lamp. Caitlin went back to Jen's, which is only a ten minute walk from my place, but Jenn was passed out on my sofa and I couldn't get her to leave. I tucked a blanket over her and left my packet of Olay facial wipes near her hand so when she woke up she could get her make up off. I got up around 9 and Jenn was up too, watching E! and drinking coffee -- she had made a pot and I was SO thankful for it.

We talked a little about what had happened the night before, about the car and why we drank so many margaritas. Jenn is worried about me, and apparently so are Jen and Caitlin. Jenn said that she was kind of sick of hearing about Julian treating me like I was an idiot, and that the whole incident involving the car was yet another time when he was doing this. I told her that I didn't see it like that at all, and that I really liked that J was enough of a man to take control of things when I couldn't do something or didn't want to do something. She said they were worried that he was a control freak, and that I was losing track of who I was in an effort to please him all the time. I laughed, but inside it made me sad to think my friends didn't trust my fiance to know what was best for me. Jenn said that she loved me just as much as she had since we were in fifth grade together, but that she was concerned that Melissa was disappearing and soon only Mrs. Julian Cranford was going to be left. I told her that was ridiculous, that I was still me and that after all Julian was marrying me for me. She gave me a hug and told me that she would always be there for me, and to please remember to love her a little bit occasionally after I get married. I don't really know what that meant.

Jenn left around 11am, and I tidied up the place a bit and then called Sean. Sean had had a late night too and didn't mind us setting out later than we expected. I told him I'd be over around 3. I stopped off at the Ralphs on Lake and picked up a salad and some bread and some ice teas, and then hit the road down to Culver City. Even in the traffic, I felt amazing in the car. It was SUCH a beautiful day yesterday, and with the top down I just felt incredibly alive. And I noticed how many people were looking at me in the car -- that never happened in my Sentra!

I got to Sean's a bit after 3. He gave the car the Sean Seal of Approval. I told him he could drive to Malibu and I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head. He gave me a big hug and said, "Did I ever tell you how much I love you, Little Em?" (He calls me Little Em -- he's 6'2" and I'm 5'2".) Once we hit PCH, I had one of those moments, where you feel like you're in a movie. I mean, I grew up in Burbank, the so-called Entertainment Capital of the World, but I never lived like a movie star. Sure, I've cruised down PCH a gazillion times with friends and boyfriends, but always in our not-so-impressive cars, or we were all 17 and covered with acne or whatever. But right then, in this beautiful car with one of my best friends by my side, with glimpses of the ocean visible from the side of the road, and the sun just beating down, my hair tied back in a scarf (real Hermès, a present from Julian), it just seemed...perfect. And all the worries of the past few days -- about the car, about Julian complaining about me on VJ -- just seemed to be pointless.

We went to Zuma and had our now very late picnic there. Sean had brought plates and forks and a bag of Doritos, which he kept trying to force on me. He said I looked thin -- I said good! I am trying to get back down to a size 0 after putting on a few pounds from eating a lot of Chinese food, and I have a wedding dress to get into. (I was supposed to go dress shopping today but my mom had to cancel, which is fine by me since I have another few days to lose weight.) I told him he looked great, which was true. He laughed and said he felt great now that I was willing to be friends again. I asked him what that meant -- friends again? He just put his arm around me and said, "Oh Little Em, I just worry about you. After that crazy dinner at Don Cuco's I wasn't sure you were interested in me being a part of your life any more." I told him that I had just had to sort out how to balance my need to assure my fiance that the only man I'm in love with is him, with the kind of brotherly love I have for Sean. I said I was sorry for disappearing for a while, but I had to do it so when I was able to see Sean again I wasn't uncomfortable.

Sean and I used to go out. It was a long time ago, or long enough ago and with enough friendship after we broke up that it just never is an issue. We were 16 years old, babies! I don't think I loved Sean when we were dating (which only lasted 4 months) but I grew to love him in the years after. Sean has been the brother I never had, and was always there for me whenever anything went wrong. Before I met Julian, Sean was second only to my dad when it came to men. He knows me better than myself I think, sometimes.

We sat on the beach and talked for a long time. Sean told me about a girl he had met recently who he was seeing, and said he'd love me to meet her. "Don't worry though, Little Em. You're still my number one girl." I felt safe with Sean right then, that no matter what, Sean would always have my back. We talked about work, and the wedding, and a little about Julian. He seemed very interested in knowing how Julian was doing, and if he was loving me as much as I deserved. "He bought me the car, Sean! I think that shows how much he loves me." (I hadn't told him anything about the whole Mercedes issue -- not necessary to get him worried.) Sean just sighed and said, "Things aren't love, Melissa."

We decided not to stay for dinner -- I had fallen asleep on the beach while Sean got up to go get some more drinks from the stand. Sean said I looked exhausted and since I still needed to get back to Pasadena, it was probably best to head back early. I didn't argue, and let him drive back to Culver City. He asked me to come in for a coffee to wake up, but I said no, I'd better get on the road. I got home around 8.30, fed the cat and passed out fully clothed on the couch, just as Jenn had last night. I woke up at midnight when the phone rang -- Julian. I told him I was really tired, and could we postpone the call until later? J was worried, "Why so sleepy, darling?" I said I had had a really long day, about the girls the night before and then Malibu today. He asked how Sean was, and I said great. I wanted to get off the phone so I said, "He's met someone he seems to really like. I'm happy for him." Julian seemed much happier to let me finish the call after that, but not before he said, "I'm glad you're having fun with your car, darling. When I get there, of course we'll have to replace it, but you have fun with it this summer."

I have this summer left before everything changes.

Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea

(just sneaking away from Jenn, Jen and Caitlin who are making margaritas in my kitchen)

My car is awesome, amazing, terrific and nothjing I ever thought I would drive. I am so thankful to hgave a fiance who is helping to make so many of my dreams come true, not just because of the things like the car, but also because he just makes me feel more like a woman than any of my previous boyfriends have. I feel cherished, protected and loved. Whenever I start worrying if what I am doing is right (and my mother says that is perfectly understandable given my past with Julian) I think that wherever I am with him, I don't have to think about the hard stuff.

Going back to the kitchen for more margaritas. I took everyone for a spin on the 210 tonight and they all love it. We decided to have a 2 days late Cinco de Mayo party to celebrate and tomorrow I drive to Malibu to hang with Sean. Evreything seems so much better but maybe its all the tequila!

Mixed-up Melissa

Well.... Julian and I had as long a talk as I could handle at midnight my time, about the car, but also about what buying the car stood for, and I think I understand a bit better what he was so upset about. He was... surprised that I had listened to all the arguments he had made for the Mercedes and chosen to go my own way. A lot of his arguments made sense: safe, dependable, good resale value, prestigious, and practical for when we do start to have babies and dogs. I had listened to them and they all were as sensible as Julian's ideas almost always are. But when it came down to test-driving the Mercedes, I just didn't feel it. You know, it. I felt ten years older, with a car full of children, my hair a mess, wearing yoga pants and a T-shirt, on my way to drop the kids at school or ballet or whatever. I didn't feel like Melissa; I felt like her much older sister.

Julian asked me why I didn't just call him from the dealership if it was obvious I was having these sorts of doubts, because maybe he would have been able to steer me to something more to my taste, like a sedan. I told him that maybe I just was so overcome by that image of the two of us in the sun with the top down that I couldn't think beyond the Porsche. He seemed to soften a little at that, and said he loved me, scatterbrained and all, but I was going to have to tighten up my thinking. In the time we were apart, I mean broken up apart, not just living apart, he said he thought I had gotten used to thinking of myself first all the time, that I had gotten selfish. It was understandable given the circumstances, he said, but soon he was going to be living with me again, and he wasn't going home after 88 days. Our time together here had been kind of like a holiday, where we were just so happy to be together again we kind of just neglected a lot of the boring stuff. (I actually had to go to Target to go buy us clean underwear since I had been so lazy about the washing.) We had to start thinking like a couple, and thinking like a couple meant taking into account what the other half wanted. What if I went out and bought a house I liked in an area we hadn't agreed on? What if I decided I didn't want to have kids and got a hormonal implant? It is not just about me, he said. It's him and me.

And I can totally see his point. It was selfish of me, especially because I said I would call if anything went weird. I suppose he didn't think I was the one to go weird! I know he's still angry about it, but I am actually excited to pick up the keys tomorrow. I intend to show Julian that I am a good enough driver to deserve this car. He seems to have less faith in my abilities than any of my friends, who have never really complained before.

Enough of the sad! I am getting the car tomorrow and I am so excited! I sent my friend Sean a picture of the Porsche since he is really into cars, and he practically begged me to let him drive it. So this Saturday afternoon we are going to pack some lunch and drive out to Malibu, maybe get some dinner. Sean said it had been ages since we hung out, and it really has been -- god, have I seen him once since February? We're Facebook friends so we chat on there, and he only lives over in Culver City, it's not like he's in Texas or something. I guess it's just that I got so wrapped up in all the exciting stuff with getting back together with Julian, and then all the immigration stuff and the wedding, I kind of let a lot of people drop. I see Jenn and Jen fairly regularly because they both live in Pasadena, and they just bust their way into my apartment when they think I've been stuck inside too long. I know J is fond of Jenn and Jen, and is really glad that I have two good friends to take care of me.

Sean is another matter altogether. Hrrmmm. I introduced the two of them when Julian was over here at the beginning of the year; we had dinner at Don Cuco's in Burbank. I had had this feeling things were going to be difficult between the two of them, so I chose Don Cuco's because I always have a good time there. First off, on our way there, J announced that he didn't like Mexican food very much, but since it was me and it was so important for him to get along with Sean, he was willing to go there. Then Sean was 15 minutes late (like he always is) and since we were 10 minutes early (like we always are) it made it really uncomfortable from the start. Conversation was really awkward -- they had almost nothing in common except that they are both male. And have dated me at one point. But that was SO long ago, and it's not like I secretly want to get together with him -- if I did, why was I going through the bother of getting Julian here when Sean was less than 20 miles away?

After the dinner, J asked me if Sean was really important to me. I said yes he was. J said that because he was, he would allow me to see Sean. I got really freaked out about that -- "allow"? We had a BIG fight (Melissa: shouty; Julian: quiet) and he finally just about conceded that it was a bad choice of words, and that maybe the phrase should be "wouldn't object to me seeing Sean" from time to time. But I thought that if the man I loved was picking up on something I couldn't about my friend, it might be worth listening to him for a while. So I kept Sean at a distance until I felt that anything... weird between us had gone away. But I feel like now it has and I am so psyched to see him on Saturday! Dutch clients -- suck it! I am going to have some fun!

Also, I am working on a mix for Julian right now, some of our favorites and some stuff that just reminds me of our time in Bristol. I'll post when it's ready!

Melissa and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

What more could go wrong? I'm just about to go to sleep even though it isn't 10pm and I'm supposed to wait up another two hours -- I just want this day to end.

Julian didn't call back after putting the phone down, but he sent me an email telling me to expect a call around midnight my time so we could discuss something about the cooling off period. I wrote him back telling him that there was none, as I had said before. No reply.

When I came back to work, around 1pm, there was a gigantic pile of stuff that had landed on my desk awaiting me. I was so stunned by what had gone down between J and me that I channeled all my freaked-outedness into getting through it. Around 6pm I went on Visa Journey to see if anyone in my April filers thread had gotten their NOA2 yet. I looked in at the United Kingdom forum, wasting time, and saw something that made me feel... angry? Sad? Julian had vented in one of the threads all about what happened today with the car, and said I had LIED to him about the cooling off period. I hadn't exactly -- yes, I chose not to take the contract that would have given me two days to change my mind because I knew I wanted this car. There is no cooling off period if you don't take it, so I was technically right.

Then he says I'm afraid to drive the car, which is untrue and not what I told him! I don't know why he posted on there about this. Here's where he starts posting, make your own mind up: VJ thread  It makes me feel like a child, like I can't be trusted, like I'm a simpleton who needs a man to take charge of everything. One of them even said I was gullible! And now someone is on there, using the popcorn smiley, like this is something to laugh about and mock! I just don't know what to do. Am I being too sensitive here? What would you do? It's so unlike J to share stuff like this in public, and the fact that he did it after told me he didn't want to speak to me until much later makes me so confused.

Going to take a bath and have a glass of wine. So confused.

Dear diary, why can I never get it right?

I messed up. Big time, I'm told. I kind of didn't end up getting the Mercedes. I test drove it and it was nice, but the salesman also showed me this super-cute pre-owned Porsche Boxster, and it was THOUSANDS less than the Mercedes. I took it for a drive and all of a sudden I could see Julian and me, driving along the coast on our way to Santa Barbara or Sonoma, with the top down and the wind in our hair. It is super-cute! Here it is (ad is now down but I nabbed a pic before it did: Boxster) -- dark blue with a stone leather interior.

So I kind of thought it would be MUCH better than an SUV -- I'm only 24 (well, 25 in 10 days) and it's not like I need to transport kids around or anything. And also it was cheaper! I thought I might take the extra J wired me and put it towards a down payment on a house or something. I thought J would be happy that I got something that I thought suited me, and was a reflection of who I am and not a soccer mom (which is kind of what the Mercedes made me feel like). So I decided to take it! I signed all the paperwork and the dealer told me everything would be ready for me to pick it up on Friday. I thought I'd be getting it today and was prepared to give up Nick (which they wouldn't take as a trade-in, which kind of hurt me in a weird way) but in the end I have a few more days. I guess I'll sell him on Craigslist, or donate him to charity.

Anyway, I called Julian with my news and oh god. He was NOT happy. I can always tell when he's really angry because his voice gets very calm and low. The conversation went something like this:

J: So darling, how did it go?
M: Great! But I didn't buy a Mercedes in the end.
(silence)
J: As in you didn't buy anything in the end or a Mercedes in the end?
M: I tried the Mercedes and it wasn't for me. It just seemed too...old.
J: Promise me you didn't do something stupid.
M: Oh no! No!
J: Like buy something utterly unsuitable. Like another Nissan.
M: No.
J: Spit it out, Melissa. What did you do?
M: I bought a 2006 Porsche Boxster for $27 grand! It's soooo cute and it was way less than the Mercedes --
J: WHAT?
M: Honey, it is really cute and it just suits me so much better than an SUV. I mean, we don't have kids or dogs or anything, so why not get something --
J: Melissa. You are not capable of handling an automobile of that specification. You have a hard enough time riding your bicycle in a straight line and I have yet to see you parallel park that heap of a Nissan in less than 16 maneuvers.
M: That's not fair.
J: Melissa, it's true. And whilst we may not have any children or dogs right now, we will soon. Where are you going to put those in a Boxster? Do we put a baby seat in the boot?
M: No... but we could just trade it in and get an SUV later.
J: And get how much for it then? $27k? For a 4-year-old Porsche? They must have seen you coming a mile away. They ripped you off! You need to go back there right now and cancel the contract.
M: I can't Julian! There's no cool-down period in California! And I love the car!
J: Melissa, I am putting the phone down now. You are not able to drive that car. You never should have been so bloody stupid as to buy something we had not agreed on. We agreed on the Mercedes. You are going to scare yourself driving a Porsche. I will call you back when I have calmed down a bit.
M: When will that be? Julian, honey, I love this car!
*click*

Maybe he's right, maybe I'm not able to handle a car like that. Maybe I should be afraid.