What a miserable day it was here today. I had to be at work by 7am to be on a conference call with London, which meant I had to be in the office at 6:30, which meant I needed to leave the house at 5:45, which meant my alarm was set for 4:30. And because I couldn't get to sleep last night until almost 3am, it meant that I am operating on a little over an hour and a half of sleep. It was such an early start that I actually woke Tibbs up for a change, and not the other way around.
It did mean though that I could call Julian earlier in the day and we talked while I was on my way to work. He's often not so crazy about me talking while driving, but I do use a Bluetooth headset now so I'm at least not going to get a ticket! My friend Alicia got ticketed the other month for talking without a headset, but then she was pretty stupid about it -- she has a convertible and the top was down, and she pulled up next to a police car right outside the Wiltern! Whenever I think I'm an idiot about something, I remember Alicia's ticket. Anyway, we had a chance to catch up after having a kind of a weird day yesterday. I'm sure some of the people reading this will know what I'm talking about, but Julian got in several disagreements with people on Visa Journey, and he ended up pissing a lot of people off, including some of the people who have been on there a very long time.
So I talked to him for a while this morning about what he felt about it all, and whether he would go back on VJ anytime soon. He said that on one level he was happy to leave me to all the immigration process, as long as I made sure to double-check on the advice I was getting and run any forms by him. On another level, he felt duty-bound to go back and defend me against people who had attacked him and by extension me as well. I don't know whether it is a good thing for him to go back so soon, when he's been labeled a cheater, a drug addict, stuck up, arrogant, etc. And I don't know how good it makes me look when he's in there and arguing with people.
One of the hardest things has been hearing people say things about Julian that just aren't true! The post I took down... let's just say that Julian explained it very clearly to me and in a way that makes me feel sure that it was a stupid joke that he and Alex and their friends got up to when they were drunk. I know in my heart Julian would NEVER cheat on me. He has made it clear time and time again that the only woman he wants in his heart and his life is me, and he would never do anything to let me go again. Whatever Alex chooses to do is his own choice; Julian's choice is to keep me, and keep me close this time.
I spoke to Alex -- it was the first time since I had left England at the very beginning of 2009. I can't say that I had missed the sound of his voice. It is so strange how someone that once meant so much to you can slip into the role of your own personal villain. Because a villain is what Alex seems like to me, and has seemed like to me ever since the day he told me he didn't love me and denied he had ever loved me. What makes a person change like that? I have spent a lot of time, too much time probably, trying to figure out why Alex turned his back on me like that. I mean, I'm totally glad he did, because if he hadn't I would never have gone back to Julian and we wouldn't be getting married. I think I could have understood it more if he had been indifferent to me, but he has spent so much time and energy trying to keep me away from Julian, like there's some gigantic reason I shouldn't be with J. Julian explains it away over and over that it's just Alex worried about his best mate moving 6000 miles away. I don't really know if this is true, but it's what I have to go with.
So I spoke to Alex, yes. It was such a weird feeling to speak to him after all this time, and with so much bad between us. I could tell he wasn't thrilled to speak with me, and that he was only doing this because Julian had asked him to as a special favor. He didn't spend a lot of time catching up with me, although I tried to, and asked how his work was ("hard"), how his dog was doing ("fine") and how Julian seemed to him ("bloody tired of all of this ridiculous photo business, Melissa, so let's do this, shall we?"). He told me the story as he saw it, and without going into details, it not only backed up what J had said but it made me feel better because having someone else say it to me seems to make it more real. What happened was stupid, but it was a drunken mistake among friends. And no worse, Alex said, than me waking up in my ex-boyfriend's bed (couch, I reminded him, it was his couch), and probably not even as bad as that as the photos at least showed that nothing bad had happened, unlike me, who couldn't remember what had happened with Sean. It was totally unfair of him, and I told him so.
I asked him why he would do something so hurtful to me, to send me a picture that seemed to show my fiance doing something that would hurt my feelings. "Melissa, I think you know I don't like you. I don't think I have ever really liked you. I think Julian is making the biggest mistake of his life in marrying you and leaving this country. Is it that hard for you to understand why I did what I did?" That hurt so much, I started to cry a little, but silently as possible. I asked him if he had lied when he had told me he had loved me. He said, "I told you I loved you because I thought it would keep you with me a little longer. Whatever I may think of you as a partner for my best friend, and as a person, you are still the best fuck I've ever had. I have to go now. Good luck."
I feel empty and tired. I think I'll have a glass of wine and go to bed. I wanted to post about my new idea for this blog that I am SO excited about, but I'm too exhausted to mention it now. Okay, maybe just a little. I'm thinking about doing a video blog, a vblog I think it's called, so I can vent a little in my own actual voice, and not just these words here on the screen. It's just an idea right now, but I might do one soon as a test. Excited! But tired.
Showing posts with label fight. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fight. Show all posts
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Some resolution, much happiness.
So, so tired, but trying to get one post in before I go to bed. It will be as short as I can keep it, which I know is hard to believe! Sooooo... Julian did call me back at 1am, as promised. He seemed so eager to accept my apologies, I could hardly believe it after not talking to me for 48 hours. I asked him what he had been up to, why he wouldn't take my calls. He explained he was just so shaken by the idea of losing me to "that manchild" (meaning Sean) that he couldn't think straight.
He thought I might leave him again, like I left him before (I told him I didn't want to talk about THAT bit of ancient history), for someone who seemed to want the best for me but turned out to have very different ideas. "Just remember what happened with [name deleted] -- you thought he was a shoulder to cry on after we had that massive row, and it turned out he just wanted to see what fucking his friend's girlfriend was like." (It's true, and horrible, and I still don't know why I did it -- and I don't know why Julian ever took me back after [name deleted] dumped me after three weeks, or why he's still friends with that asshole.) I assured him again that not only did nothing happen with Sean, nothing WOULD happen from now on since I had told the Jen(n)s that I wanted nothing to do with him. I mentioned that Jenn was furious with J for barring me from seeing my best friend, and furious with me for giving in, and that Jen was sad that I would just dump one of HER best friends (meaning Sean) even if it was understandable why. Julian said he had some sympathy for what Jen had to say, but that Jenn's boyfriend Dan must be even more wet than he had thought at first if he would let his girlfriend carry on like that. ("Weak handshake, Melissa. Jenn must be the dominant one in bed, that's all I'll say on that matter.")
Anyway, he forgave me in the end and said he had felt lost the past two days without me. (Awwwww!) He had spent a lot of time talking with Alex, who had tried to convince him to leave me (typical), but the more Alex talked me down the more he realized he wanted to be with me, wanted to defend me. Sure, maybe in the first 24 hours he was more open to what Alex had to say, but he was certain that we should really, truly be together, and the sooner the better. Once I was his wife, I could count on being loved how I deserved to be loved by him. (Awwwwwww again!)
Work was crazy when I got back (and that's why it's 12:50am and finishing things up, but at least I'm at home with Tibbs and a glass of White Zin now) but I seem to be catching up. And something really cool happened today on VJ -- one of the other UK VJers who lives in my hometown, Burbank, contacted me and said we should have a coffee sometime soon! How cool is that? She's also married to a British guy, and said I seemed very sweet but might benefit from a little older sisterly advice. I told her that sounded great, especially since my REAL older sister is such a waste of space. We originally agreed to do this tomorrow night, but now she can't since she forgot that she needs to be in tomorrow night after all. Maybe on Friday then, or Saturday afternoon. I could use the perspective of someone who has also been through the visa process already.
So today was just wonderful, pretty much from start to finish. Much better -- I deserved this!!!
He thought I might leave him again, like I left him before (I told him I didn't want to talk about THAT bit of ancient history), for someone who seemed to want the best for me but turned out to have very different ideas. "Just remember what happened with [name deleted] -- you thought he was a shoulder to cry on after we had that massive row, and it turned out he just wanted to see what fucking his friend's girlfriend was like." (It's true, and horrible, and I still don't know why I did it -- and I don't know why Julian ever took me back after [name deleted] dumped me after three weeks, or why he's still friends with that asshole.) I assured him again that not only did nothing happen with Sean, nothing WOULD happen from now on since I had told the Jen(n)s that I wanted nothing to do with him. I mentioned that Jenn was furious with J for barring me from seeing my best friend, and furious with me for giving in, and that Jen was sad that I would just dump one of HER best friends (meaning Sean) even if it was understandable why. Julian said he had some sympathy for what Jen had to say, but that Jenn's boyfriend Dan must be even more wet than he had thought at first if he would let his girlfriend carry on like that. ("Weak handshake, Melissa. Jenn must be the dominant one in bed, that's all I'll say on that matter.")
Anyway, he forgave me in the end and said he had felt lost the past two days without me. (Awwwww!) He had spent a lot of time talking with Alex, who had tried to convince him to leave me (typical), but the more Alex talked me down the more he realized he wanted to be with me, wanted to defend me. Sure, maybe in the first 24 hours he was more open to what Alex had to say, but he was certain that we should really, truly be together, and the sooner the better. Once I was his wife, I could count on being loved how I deserved to be loved by him. (Awwwwwww again!)
Work was crazy when I got back (and that's why it's 12:50am and finishing things up, but at least I'm at home with Tibbs and a glass of White Zin now) but I seem to be catching up. And something really cool happened today on VJ -- one of the other UK VJers who lives in my hometown, Burbank, contacted me and said we should have a coffee sometime soon! How cool is that? She's also married to a British guy, and said I seemed very sweet but might benefit from a little older sisterly advice. I told her that sounded great, especially since my REAL older sister is such a waste of space. We originally agreed to do this tomorrow night, but now she can't since she forgot that she needs to be in tomorrow night after all. Maybe on Friday then, or Saturday afternoon. I could use the perspective of someone who has also been through the visa process already.
So today was just wonderful, pretty much from start to finish. Much better -- I deserved this!!!
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Maybe better, oh I hope maybe better.
What a couple of days. Obviously what happened with Julian was the biggest thing I had to worry about recently. I couldn't bring myself to tell my mother what happened. I was so ashamed of what I had done I just couldn't say to her after our happy shopping trip that I had done something that could change me even needing that dress. I tried to post something last night about all of this, and just nothing would come out of my fingers. Which is really strange for me -- before I started this blog, I would write pages and pages in my diary; now I type it and share it (sometimes I think how weird this is!) but it's always a lot! Anyway, I couldn't talk to my own mother about what I did and I had no idea what to do.
I had a very nice and helpful comment from one of my readers (hi Justine!), who said a lot of things that hit close to home. I am not to blame for Sean being at the party, and even Julian said that, but I was to blame for not making it clear to everyone that going and staying at his place was not something I could do anymore, even if it always had been before. Oh god, getting ahead of myself. (deep breath) But I made the decision to let Julian tell me what he expects of me in terms of my behavior during the time we're apart. We have to talk about what is and is not acceptable. I know that he and Alex go out sometimes and stay out really late, and go to places like Stringfellows (but in an ironic way, Julian says), but I know Julian is faithful to me. (Even with Alex constantly telling him to reconsider marrying me, I know Julian will not cheat on me.) So the burden is on me really since I'm the one who is misbehaving.
I want to talk to J about this, but until 2.15pm today I haven't heard his voice except on his voicemail. I know he told me to wait for him to call me, but I couldn't stand it. I called him every half hour on Monday, and every hour today, until he finally picked up. I took yesterday and today off work because I was so exhausted from the grief I was feeling, yes, grief. All I could do was lie on the couch, with Tibbs (my cat) curled up next to me, and cry and watch really bad TV. I can't believe how many Lifetime movies I watched. I watched Love, Actually and it made me cry even more. Every scene of London made me miss my life with Julian that we had there, and all the fun we had there. How safe I felt, probably because I knew I had him to watch out for me. Sure, Alex was there more often than I liked, but he wouldn't ever say anything obviously mean in front of Julian. He would make comments that would "take the piss" but were so clever that J would laugh (I would have laughed too if it weren't about me, and when I have heard Alex make fun of other people I always laughed even if it was mean) and I could never come up with a smart comeback. It just made me feel stupid.
Anyway, I could hardly move. On Sunday evening I asked my next door neighbor, Pat, who's retired, to go out and get me some Ben & Jerry's and chardonnay and a pack of Marlboro Ultra Lights; he was only too happy to do it since I took care of Stan, his Siamese cat, last month. Pat brought back 6 tubs of assorted ice cream flavors, 3 bottles of wine and two packs of cigarettes. He also offered to roll me a joint, since he has a medical marijuana certificate, but I said no. (Although I might change my mind.) I spent Sunday night eating Chunky Monkey and drinking wine and smoking inside my apartment, which I never do. I mean, I basically quit when I came back to America from my year in Bristol, but I do have the occasional "crafty fag" when I have a drink.
I started calling Julian at 1am, and kept calling until I guess I passed out at 4am. He never answered. I left a couple of messages saying I was sorry and begging him to call me to talk things out. I woke up on Monday morning at the usual time because Tibbs sat on my head to get me to feed him. I called into work and told them I was having a personal issue and that I would need to take two days off. John, my boss, called me back at 9am (I had been calling Julian when he called, and had to hurriedly finish a message to J asking him to call back) and asked if it was okay if he asked what the problem was. I said I had never taken a personal day before (which is true) and that I didn't want to get into the details but it was wedding-related. He sounded relieved, and said "At least it wasn't a death!" I laughed a little, but I know it sounded hollow. I promised I would be in on Wednesday no matter what. I think John thought when I said it was wedding-related, that it was something like a caterer, and I am lucky to have him excuse me for something as silly as that, even if it wasn't actually something so silly.
I forgot to mention that I had talked to both Jen and Jenn on Sunday about what the hell happened with me being sent home with Sean. I had them both on a conference call because it was painful enough to talk about it once, I didn't want to have to go over it individually. Jenn said she honestly didn't know ANYTHING about Julian not wanting me to see Sean, or what J's concerns were. Jen said the same thing, and said she felt like a fool for not seeing that Sean had feelings for me. Jenn said that was ridiculous, that J was acting like a possessive asshole who couldn't stand that his "woman" might have a male friend. Jen told her to think about it from the other way around -- what if Dan (Jenn's boyfriend) had a best friend who was a girl, and what if Jenn had to be away from Dan for six months or more, and Dan kept telling her all these stories about all the amazing times he was having with this friend? Jenn told her that men and women can be platonic friends, and that the idea that sex always gets in the way is a lie. Jen asked for a reference for this, and then said "And Wikipedia is NOT a reference!"
I asked why I was allowed to go home with Sean and not Caitlin, and Jenn told me the whole story. I was too drunk to realize this, but she had gone home with Scott Dell (holy crap, Scott Dell! How random! I went on one date with him senior year), who was at the bar but not at our party. He was there with other people, and Caitlin walked by and he recognized her right away. She stopped by to tell Jen and Sean that Scott Dell was here, and that she would be right back, but she never returned and they figured out what must have happened. Caitlin wasn't around for me to stay at her place when it was clear I had had enough, so Sean had said he would be more than happy to put the birthday girl to bed. Jen thought that sounded like a great idea, especially since he only lives a ten minute drive from the bar. Apparently I agreed with this, and said something like "Sean always takes care of me, you're AMAAAAZING." (Ugh, how embarrassing.)
So Jenn is mad at me for what she calls being a "submissive little wifey" to Julian, and Jen is taking my side and is not talking to Jenn right now, even though I said I didn't care, and Jenn is still talking to me anyway (and she brought more ice cream today). Sean tried calling me a gazillion times on Sunday, and sent a whole bunch of texts, but I didn't answer any of them. He apologized for putting me in an uncomfortable position, and said he didn't want to make things bad between J and me. I really doubt that.
So Monday was a total disaster. J wouldn't call me and wouldn't take my calls or answer any of the emails I sent him. Today was almost identical -- ice cream, Lifetime Movie Network, cigarettes, but this time I had some coffee (Pat made some and brought it by) too. All I could think about was how could I be so stupid? Was I really throwing away everything with Julian because I am really bad about telling people no? And then I realized that I HAD told Sean to leave me alone, and that Julian didn't want me seeing him, and that he was just going too far, and Sean STILL took me back to his! What was he doing? It's not like Sean and I have anything sexual -- we didn't even have sex for Christ's sake when we went out -- so what was he doing? Well, since I'm not speaking to him right now I just don't know, and I doubt he would tell me the truth anyway. Julian must be right about him.
I had pretty much decided that Julian wasn't going to answer my calls by 2pm my time, 10pm his. So when I tried once again at 2:15 and he picked up, I thought my heart was going to burst out of my body. He said my name, and I thought I would melt or burn up, I don't know, it felt like I was aware of every vein in my body. He sounded a little drunk, and I could hear a TV or something in the background. I told him I missed him SO much, and how sorry I am and how badly behaved, and it all just rushed out about how I was not going to see Sean ever again and how I had told the Jen(n)s not to let Sean anywhere near me and how Caitlin had hooked up with Scott Dell... And then he interrupted me and told me he didn't want to lose me, that I had no idea what I meant to him, what having me as his wife would mean, and that he didn't care what Alex thought of me. That the past -- my past -- was not my future, and that I would never, ever again cheat on him like I did back in Bristol. (Oh god, are we going to have to go there? I have a feeling I am going to have to write about that.) That he had gotten one over on [name deleted] in the end by getting me back in his bed (*cringe*) and that he was certain [name deleted] was still jealous after all these years.
I asked where he was, and he said Alex's flat in Chelsea. Total bachelor pad, filled with every gadget ever invented. Even though I was so happy to talk to J, knowing he was at Alex's filled me with so much anger -- I bet I know why Julian hadn't answered his phone in 48 hours. He probably had Alex filling his head with all sorts of crap about once a slut, always a slut, or how I was only in it for the money, or any of the lovely things I know he says about me. Julian would have been in the right mental space to listen to those things and believe them. Then I heard Alex in the background, saying something like "Is that your wayward tart, young Mr. Cranford? Hang up, she's not worth it. Anyway, the bordeaux's probably breathed enough to drink now."
Julian told me he had to go, but that he would call me around 1am my time. Which it almost is. Another twenty minutes to go! Is it too much to hope that he has forgiven me? Oh god, I need a break here.
I had a very nice and helpful comment from one of my readers (hi Justine!), who said a lot of things that hit close to home. I am not to blame for Sean being at the party, and even Julian said that, but I was to blame for not making it clear to everyone that going and staying at his place was not something I could do anymore, even if it always had been before. Oh god, getting ahead of myself. (deep breath) But I made the decision to let Julian tell me what he expects of me in terms of my behavior during the time we're apart. We have to talk about what is and is not acceptable. I know that he and Alex go out sometimes and stay out really late, and go to places like Stringfellows (but in an ironic way, Julian says), but I know Julian is faithful to me. (Even with Alex constantly telling him to reconsider marrying me, I know Julian will not cheat on me.) So the burden is on me really since I'm the one who is misbehaving.
I want to talk to J about this, but until 2.15pm today I haven't heard his voice except on his voicemail. I know he told me to wait for him to call me, but I couldn't stand it. I called him every half hour on Monday, and every hour today, until he finally picked up. I took yesterday and today off work because I was so exhausted from the grief I was feeling, yes, grief. All I could do was lie on the couch, with Tibbs (my cat) curled up next to me, and cry and watch really bad TV. I can't believe how many Lifetime movies I watched. I watched Love, Actually and it made me cry even more. Every scene of London made me miss my life with Julian that we had there, and all the fun we had there. How safe I felt, probably because I knew I had him to watch out for me. Sure, Alex was there more often than I liked, but he wouldn't ever say anything obviously mean in front of Julian. He would make comments that would "take the piss" but were so clever that J would laugh (I would have laughed too if it weren't about me, and when I have heard Alex make fun of other people I always laughed even if it was mean) and I could never come up with a smart comeback. It just made me feel stupid.
Anyway, I could hardly move. On Sunday evening I asked my next door neighbor, Pat, who's retired, to go out and get me some Ben & Jerry's and chardonnay and a pack of Marlboro Ultra Lights; he was only too happy to do it since I took care of Stan, his Siamese cat, last month. Pat brought back 6 tubs of assorted ice cream flavors, 3 bottles of wine and two packs of cigarettes. He also offered to roll me a joint, since he has a medical marijuana certificate, but I said no. (Although I might change my mind.) I spent Sunday night eating Chunky Monkey and drinking wine and smoking inside my apartment, which I never do. I mean, I basically quit when I came back to America from my year in Bristol, but I do have the occasional "crafty fag" when I have a drink.
I started calling Julian at 1am, and kept calling until I guess I passed out at 4am. He never answered. I left a couple of messages saying I was sorry and begging him to call me to talk things out. I woke up on Monday morning at the usual time because Tibbs sat on my head to get me to feed him. I called into work and told them I was having a personal issue and that I would need to take two days off. John, my boss, called me back at 9am (I had been calling Julian when he called, and had to hurriedly finish a message to J asking him to call back) and asked if it was okay if he asked what the problem was. I said I had never taken a personal day before (which is true) and that I didn't want to get into the details but it was wedding-related. He sounded relieved, and said "At least it wasn't a death!" I laughed a little, but I know it sounded hollow. I promised I would be in on Wednesday no matter what. I think John thought when I said it was wedding-related, that it was something like a caterer, and I am lucky to have him excuse me for something as silly as that, even if it wasn't actually something so silly.
I forgot to mention that I had talked to both Jen and Jenn on Sunday about what the hell happened with me being sent home with Sean. I had them both on a conference call because it was painful enough to talk about it once, I didn't want to have to go over it individually. Jenn said she honestly didn't know ANYTHING about Julian not wanting me to see Sean, or what J's concerns were. Jen said the same thing, and said she felt like a fool for not seeing that Sean had feelings for me. Jenn said that was ridiculous, that J was acting like a possessive asshole who couldn't stand that his "woman" might have a male friend. Jen told her to think about it from the other way around -- what if Dan (Jenn's boyfriend) had a best friend who was a girl, and what if Jenn had to be away from Dan for six months or more, and Dan kept telling her all these stories about all the amazing times he was having with this friend? Jenn told her that men and women can be platonic friends, and that the idea that sex always gets in the way is a lie. Jen asked for a reference for this, and then said "And Wikipedia is NOT a reference!"
I asked why I was allowed to go home with Sean and not Caitlin, and Jenn told me the whole story. I was too drunk to realize this, but she had gone home with Scott Dell (holy crap, Scott Dell! How random! I went on one date with him senior year), who was at the bar but not at our party. He was there with other people, and Caitlin walked by and he recognized her right away. She stopped by to tell Jen and Sean that Scott Dell was here, and that she would be right back, but she never returned and they figured out what must have happened. Caitlin wasn't around for me to stay at her place when it was clear I had had enough, so Sean had said he would be more than happy to put the birthday girl to bed. Jen thought that sounded like a great idea, especially since he only lives a ten minute drive from the bar. Apparently I agreed with this, and said something like "Sean always takes care of me, you're AMAAAAZING." (Ugh, how embarrassing.)
So Jenn is mad at me for what she calls being a "submissive little wifey" to Julian, and Jen is taking my side and is not talking to Jenn right now, even though I said I didn't care, and Jenn is still talking to me anyway (and she brought more ice cream today). Sean tried calling me a gazillion times on Sunday, and sent a whole bunch of texts, but I didn't answer any of them. He apologized for putting me in an uncomfortable position, and said he didn't want to make things bad between J and me. I really doubt that.
So Monday was a total disaster. J wouldn't call me and wouldn't take my calls or answer any of the emails I sent him. Today was almost identical -- ice cream, Lifetime Movie Network, cigarettes, but this time I had some coffee (Pat made some and brought it by) too. All I could think about was how could I be so stupid? Was I really throwing away everything with Julian because I am really bad about telling people no? And then I realized that I HAD told Sean to leave me alone, and that Julian didn't want me seeing him, and that he was just going too far, and Sean STILL took me back to his! What was he doing? It's not like Sean and I have anything sexual -- we didn't even have sex for Christ's sake when we went out -- so what was he doing? Well, since I'm not speaking to him right now I just don't know, and I doubt he would tell me the truth anyway. Julian must be right about him.
I had pretty much decided that Julian wasn't going to answer my calls by 2pm my time, 10pm his. So when I tried once again at 2:15 and he picked up, I thought my heart was going to burst out of my body. He said my name, and I thought I would melt or burn up, I don't know, it felt like I was aware of every vein in my body. He sounded a little drunk, and I could hear a TV or something in the background. I told him I missed him SO much, and how sorry I am and how badly behaved, and it all just rushed out about how I was not going to see Sean ever again and how I had told the Jen(n)s not to let Sean anywhere near me and how Caitlin had hooked up with Scott Dell... And then he interrupted me and told me he didn't want to lose me, that I had no idea what I meant to him, what having me as his wife would mean, and that he didn't care what Alex thought of me. That the past -- my past -- was not my future, and that I would never, ever again cheat on him like I did back in Bristol. (Oh god, are we going to have to go there? I have a feeling I am going to have to write about that.) That he had gotten one over on [name deleted] in the end by getting me back in his bed (*cringe*) and that he was certain [name deleted] was still jealous after all these years.
I asked where he was, and he said Alex's flat in Chelsea. Total bachelor pad, filled with every gadget ever invented. Even though I was so happy to talk to J, knowing he was at Alex's filled me with so much anger -- I bet I know why Julian hadn't answered his phone in 48 hours. He probably had Alex filling his head with all sorts of crap about once a slut, always a slut, or how I was only in it for the money, or any of the lovely things I know he says about me. Julian would have been in the right mental space to listen to those things and believe them. Then I heard Alex in the background, saying something like "Is that your wayward tart, young Mr. Cranford? Hang up, she's not worth it. Anyway, the bordeaux's probably breathed enough to drink now."
Julian told me he had to go, but that he would call me around 1am my time. Which it almost is. Another twenty minutes to go! Is it too much to hope that he has forgiven me? Oh god, I need a break here.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Melissa and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
What more could go wrong? I'm just about to go to sleep even though it isn't 10pm and I'm supposed to wait up another two hours -- I just want this day to end.
Julian didn't call back after putting the phone down, but he sent me an email telling me to expect a call around midnight my time so we could discuss something about the cooling off period. I wrote him back telling him that there was none, as I had said before. No reply.
When I came back to work, around 1pm, there was a gigantic pile of stuff that had landed on my desk awaiting me. I was so stunned by what had gone down between J and me that I channeled all my freaked-outedness into getting through it. Around 6pm I went on Visa Journey to see if anyone in my April filers thread had gotten their NOA2 yet. I looked in at the United Kingdom forum, wasting time, and saw something that made me feel... angry? Sad? Julian had vented in one of the threads all about what happened today with the car, and said I had LIED to him about the cooling off period. I hadn't exactly -- yes, I chose not to take the contract that would have given me two days to change my mind because I knew I wanted this car. There is no cooling off period if you don't take it, so I was technically right.
Then he says I'm afraid to drive the car, which is untrue and not what I told him! I don't know why he posted on there about this. Here's where he starts posting, make your own mind up: VJ thread It makes me feel like a child, like I can't be trusted, like I'm a simpleton who needs a man to take charge of everything. One of them even said I was gullible! And now someone is on there, using the popcorn smiley, like this is something to laugh about and mock! I just don't know what to do. Am I being too sensitive here? What would you do? It's so unlike J to share stuff like this in public, and the fact that he did it after told me he didn't want to speak to me until much later makes me so confused.
Going to take a bath and have a glass of wine. So confused.
Julian didn't call back after putting the phone down, but he sent me an email telling me to expect a call around midnight my time so we could discuss something about the cooling off period. I wrote him back telling him that there was none, as I had said before. No reply.
When I came back to work, around 1pm, there was a gigantic pile of stuff that had landed on my desk awaiting me. I was so stunned by what had gone down between J and me that I channeled all my freaked-outedness into getting through it. Around 6pm I went on Visa Journey to see if anyone in my April filers thread had gotten their NOA2 yet. I looked in at the United Kingdom forum, wasting time, and saw something that made me feel... angry? Sad? Julian had vented in one of the threads all about what happened today with the car, and said I had LIED to him about the cooling off period. I hadn't exactly -- yes, I chose not to take the contract that would have given me two days to change my mind because I knew I wanted this car. There is no cooling off period if you don't take it, so I was technically right.
Then he says I'm afraid to drive the car, which is untrue and not what I told him! I don't know why he posted on there about this. Here's where he starts posting, make your own mind up: VJ thread It makes me feel like a child, like I can't be trusted, like I'm a simpleton who needs a man to take charge of everything. One of them even said I was gullible! And now someone is on there, using the popcorn smiley, like this is something to laugh about and mock! I just don't know what to do. Am I being too sensitive here? What would you do? It's so unlike J to share stuff like this in public, and the fact that he did it after told me he didn't want to speak to me until much later makes me so confused.
Going to take a bath and have a glass of wine. So confused.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Not a good day
Sometimes you get days that are just so amazing, when you feel like everything is falling into place: you're in love, your work is going well, you have a place to live, food in the fridge, money in the bank, a cat on your bed at night, streaming Netflix on the Wii, and some good girlfriends. And that is enough for you.
Today is not one of those days.
I'm sure Julian will chime in at some point on this, since he was witness (or at least a witness over Skype and email) to me losing the plot. I'm not proud of it. Basically, J has a friend that I cannot stand. I'll call him Richard. Richard is in my opinion a mean, domineering jerk who pushes J around and expects him to basically come when called. So when Richard tells Julian they are going out for drinks, it's not a request but a command. (Julian will I'm sure disagree with me but whatever.) Julian is probably Richard's best friend, and has been since they were in their first year at university.
Richard also HATES me. Hates me! Sometimes it feels something like jealousy. At first when it was just us going out when I was doing my junior year abroad, Richard would make snide remarks about my hair (messy) and my clothes (apparently very American, which was a bad thing in his eyes). My friend Veronique told me that she one time heard Richard say to someone that Julian was wasted on someone like me. Julian told me to ignore him if it hurt, but that Richard just has a strange sense of humor. Once J and I got engaged, Richard exploded and actually called me up and told me I was free to ruin my own life but I was not taking Julian with me. It felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I told Julian to have a word with Richard about this, and said I would feel better if they didn't see each other for a while out of respect to me, which Julian did.
I don't want to go into it right now, but Julian and I did have a break for a while last year. Richard was overjoyed we had broken up. It was horrible, but I got the last laugh when I sent him an engagement announcement in March. Ha ha! Seriously though, J had a long talk with Richard and made it clear this is what he wanted, and I promised to stay out of things where Richard was concerned. Well, this is where it all went kinda pear-shaped, as J would say. Richard emailed me yesterday to say he would do everything he could to stop us from getting married.I ignored it. He wrote again, telling me that all I was interested in was Julian's family money. I wrote back saying that that was a mean and inappropriate thing to say, and that it was totally OTT. Richard wrote back and called me a selfish bitch, dragging J 6000 miles from home. So I forwarded the chain to Julian because by this point I was in tears.
Then J told me to ignore Richard, that he's just going to miss having his best friend around, and that he's been having a really difficult time at work (he works as an investment banker at a bank that shall remain nameless but is all over the news right now) and probably drinking too much. It made me cry even more because I felt (not for the first time) that he's defending his best friend against his future WIFE when it's the friend who is the problem! J said that wasn't the case, that I was always his best girl, and that he would take care of things with Richard. They're having dinner tonight to talk about this. I don't want to keep him from his best friend, but it is so painful.
Mary brought me a Frappuccino to my desk to help me, and I just ate one of my emergency Milky Ways I stuff in the bottom drawer of my desk. I called Jen and Jenn and they agreed to come over to my apartment later with bottles of wine. We're going to watch He's Just Not That Into You and Notting Hill (hello, nostalgia?) and veg out. I promised Julian I would be sober enough to talk at 1am though!
So... bleh.
Today is not one of those days.
I'm sure Julian will chime in at some point on this, since he was witness (or at least a witness over Skype and email) to me losing the plot. I'm not proud of it. Basically, J has a friend that I cannot stand. I'll call him Richard. Richard is in my opinion a mean, domineering jerk who pushes J around and expects him to basically come when called. So when Richard tells Julian they are going out for drinks, it's not a request but a command. (Julian will I'm sure disagree with me but whatever.) Julian is probably Richard's best friend, and has been since they were in their first year at university.
Richard also HATES me. Hates me! Sometimes it feels something like jealousy. At first when it was just us going out when I was doing my junior year abroad, Richard would make snide remarks about my hair (messy) and my clothes (apparently very American, which was a bad thing in his eyes). My friend Veronique told me that she one time heard Richard say to someone that Julian was wasted on someone like me. Julian told me to ignore him if it hurt, but that Richard just has a strange sense of humor. Once J and I got engaged, Richard exploded and actually called me up and told me I was free to ruin my own life but I was not taking Julian with me. It felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I told Julian to have a word with Richard about this, and said I would feel better if they didn't see each other for a while out of respect to me, which Julian did.
I don't want to go into it right now, but Julian and I did have a break for a while last year. Richard was overjoyed we had broken up. It was horrible, but I got the last laugh when I sent him an engagement announcement in March. Ha ha! Seriously though, J had a long talk with Richard and made it clear this is what he wanted, and I promised to stay out of things where Richard was concerned. Well, this is where it all went kinda pear-shaped, as J would say. Richard emailed me yesterday to say he would do everything he could to stop us from getting married.I ignored it. He wrote again, telling me that all I was interested in was Julian's family money. I wrote back saying that that was a mean and inappropriate thing to say, and that it was totally OTT. Richard wrote back and called me a selfish bitch, dragging J 6000 miles from home. So I forwarded the chain to Julian because by this point I was in tears.
Then J told me to ignore Richard, that he's just going to miss having his best friend around, and that he's been having a really difficult time at work (he works as an investment banker at a bank that shall remain nameless but is all over the news right now) and probably drinking too much. It made me cry even more because I felt (not for the first time) that he's defending his best friend against his future WIFE when it's the friend who is the problem! J said that wasn't the case, that I was always his best girl, and that he would take care of things with Richard. They're having dinner tonight to talk about this. I don't want to keep him from his best friend, but it is so painful.
Mary brought me a Frappuccino to my desk to help me, and I just ate one of my emergency Milky Ways I stuff in the bottom drawer of my desk. I called Jen and Jenn and they agreed to come over to my apartment later with bottles of wine. We're going to watch He's Just Not That Into You and Notting Hill (hello, nostalgia?) and veg out. I promised Julian I would be sober enough to talk at 1am though!
So... bleh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)