Work and VJ -- two big pains.

What a horrible, horrible day. I got to leave the office around 5 even though I wasn't really done, because I just couldn't take the atmosphere in there anymore, and because I had two viewings scheduled for this evening (I had two yesterday night but neither was really what I was looking for). It's annual assessment time right now, and it's almost my turn (I'm scheduled for Tuesday) but in the meantime I get to see all my co-workers go through this. I'm lucky to have a champion in my boss John, but many of my colleagues don't have that kind of support. If I do well this year (it's my first real one -- when it was assessment time last year I had only been there for 4 months so I got what John called a "mid-term grade") it will be because of him, I know it. I saw Dana, who Julian calls my nemesis, come out of one of the conference rooms with red eyes and a kleenex in her hand. I watched her as discreetly as I could over the half-divider that separates our cubicles. She wasn't packing any of her stuff so I guess she's safe, but whatever was said to her couldn't have been good. I saw a couple of other people around my level come out of the conference rooms with similar expressions. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous. I have the weekend and Monday to think about my performance. John said I shouldn't be too worried, and that my dedication and hard work have been remarked upon, especially all the late night webinars and early morning teleconferences I have volunteered for.

I spoke with John about my plan to go part time instead of quitting. He sounded really enthusiastic about this and said he would speak to our COO about this, but that it was certainly something he could get behind. I told him I wanted to be responsible only for the Dutch account and that I could easily fill 20 hours a week with that. John said that this will only be for the best for my assessment. I really think I can do this right -- working part time and helping Julian, well, full time get adjusted to living in California.

Hmm. I am not really sure how to talk about this, or if I want to talk about it, because certain people think that I am sharing too much on this blog. I mean, it's MY blog and if my fiancé doesn't have an issue with what I am saying, why should anyone else care? Isn't a blog supposed to be a safe place for people to talk about their experiences? Should I only talk about things like what I ate for dinner (tonight it was a chopped salad and a Diet Coke) or how my workout at the gym was tonight (really good) or the houses I saw tonight (I will write about that more)? I feel like if people are offended by what I write they shouldn't read. And it's not like I am writing anything about the people on VJ who are making comments about me! So frustrated.

Anyway, okay, here it is. Julian got into a really embarrassing series of posts on VJ about our upcoming honeymoon. I had thought we could go to St. Barts, but it turns out we can only go to somewhere in the US until Julian has his greencard. Wow, simple question and simple answer, right? Julian was not really happy about this, because he LOVES St. Barts and wanted to show me the place and share it with me. He isn't keen about going to Hawaii or Puerto Rico because he wanted something really intimate, really discreet, and he had somewhere in mind in St. Barts. But then Julian went on and was really, really blunt and probably went a little overboard in his criticisms of the USA.

Everyone was attacking him, and someone even said he was emotionally abusing me! Unbelievable. I mean, like I would stay with someone who was abusing me! Emotional abuse is no joke, I have a cousin who went through it. Her boyfriend never let her leave the house or see the rest of the family. He made her life hell. He made her quit everything that made her happy. One day she finally broke free and she is much, much better off. But Julian DOESN'T do any of that. He agreed that I could keep working. He said it was good that I was talking to Jen and Jenn again. He loves my parents and we are moving to within 15 miles of them so I can stay close instead of me moving there, where I wasn't really very happy but where he has a terrific life that he will miss very, very much. He doesn't object to me keeping this blog. He always tells me how beautiful and sweet and lovely I am. He is just a little old-fashioned and has very strong views about things that he expresses because he feels he has to tell people when they are being stupid. He can't stand stupidity.

I tried to get him to stop -- we were chatting on Skype as it was going on online -- but he kept saying that these people will never learn, so why not have a little fun with them? He was teasing them all, saying outrageous things that are actually slightly more extreme versions of what he feels. I told him to stop since people obviously didn't get it was a joke. And what people had to say back to him... wow. So many insults. Maven taught me a VJ saying and I will say it tonight: VJ, sheesh.

Anyway, I had already cleared my early leaving with John, and I went out to look at a couple of houses. One of them might be the sort of thing I'm looking for. It has four bedrooms and 2 1/2 baths, a living room, drawing room, big kitchen... Gorgeous backyard with tons of beautiful flowering shrubs and mature trees... And the doors of the kitchen open up to the garden and it almost flows from inside to outside. It feels a little like home. I sent Julian the details but he was asleep when I sent them so I don't know what he will think. It's the first one I have seen that I have felt this way about. I know it's early but maybe!

Compromising

I'm sure you saw all the comments yesterday on my blog. 20 comments... I would be flattered if some of them weren't so hurtful. I won't even bother to touch the one that claimed I was Julian's "beard" and that Alex was his lover, which is so ridiculous considering that I have had sex with both of them and I know they are both straight. There isn't ANYTHING sexual in their friendship AT ALL.

And as for Alex's attacks on me, they aren't really even worth replying to or explaining, beyond saying that Alex is convinced that I am only marrying Julian for his money and that that is the big secret that will come out. He's already told Julian a million times, so it's not like there's anything earth-shattering about it. Maybe that will explain to people why it seems like Alex has this big secret he hasn't told J -- he has! He just doesn't care and doesn't think it's true. It'd be funny if it wasn't so annoying.

Getting on to more important matters, I spoke to Julian about my ideas, my new ideas to keep working and maybe delay having a baby. He was a little surprised at first, and a little hurt to think that I hadn't told him what I really wanted to do with my life. He said he thought we had agreed a long time ago, in fact when we got engaged the first time, that I would quit work after the wedding and help him get settled and then support him in his work once his EAD (work authorization) card came through. He said this was a bigger job than I might have thought, and that his mother had always been perfectly happy in her role as his father's spouse. I said I was really happy to be his wife and support him like that, but I wanted to keep working because I needed it to be my own self, and if I wasn't my own self, then eventually I wouldn't be the woman he was marrying!

He paused for a second and then started laughing, which I was pretty insulted by. How dare he? I was spilling out my soul to him and he was laughing? He said, "Oh Liss, you have such a charming turn of phrase sometimes. Of course I want you to stay you." He asked me what exactly it was that I planned to do. I said I wanted to take some time off around the wedding, maybe a day or two before the wedding, and then two weeks off for our honeymoon in St Barts. Then I wanted to return to work like normal, and keep working there until I have a child. Basically, I want my life to be like it is now but with him here. We can get a maid to come clean twice weekly and I can cook as often as I can during the week.

Also, I don't want to have a baby right away. I'm not ready for it emotionally and I feel like we need to spend more time as a couple together before bringing a third person into this relationship. There are a lot of things I want to do with him before I have a child. I said I really do want to have a baby, maybe in a couple of years, but not right away. I said I knew this totally went against everything we agreed on back in late 2008 when we got engaged, but I was only 23 then and didn't realise how much I liked working since I hadn't even started at my job yet. I could tell he was angry at this point and no longer amused by what I had to say, because he was very quiet. He always gets really quiet when he's upset with me. I think he realized I was serious. So I asked him what he thought of my plan.

J: Melissa, when you agreed to marry me you also agreed to several conditions, didn't you?

M: Yes, Julian. But things have changed! I have changed!

J: But I haven't. Isn't it enough that I have gone along with your ridiculous requests -- to move to the States, to have the reception at your parents' house instead of the Huntington --

M: But that's always been my dream!

J: Your dream, Melissa, not mine. And as for your refusal to sign a pre-nup... My solicitors and my parents think I'm insane to marry you without one. But we won't have one as a sign of my commitment to you. Where is your commitment to me? I make a few small requests and you consent to them and then you turn around and say you don't "feel like it" anymore? Is that what you'll say to me five years from now about our marriage, that you don't "feel like it" anymore? Marriage is a commitment, Melissa.

M: And I'm ready to make it! I just want to be the best wife I could ever be for you. And I don't think I can do that if I'm not working.

J: My mother is perfectly happy not working. She raised Annabel and I, which was a big task in itself. She keeps the houses running and she helps my father in whatever way she can.

M: But she's old! I mean, from a different generation. And she never worked, not even before she married your dad. And she's not American! Maybe we do things differently, I don't know.

J: Melissa, this has nothing to do with my mother. This has everything to do with what you want to do. I will listen to you, so make it clear to me what you want.

M: I want to keep working and I don't want a child right away.

He didn't answer right away, which made me nervous. He told me he needed to take care of a call, and he would call me back within the hour, which I spent nervously waiting for him to call back. When he did, he had a proposition for me: how would I feel about working part-time? I couldn't believe it -- he was actually meeting me halfway! A real compromise! I feel so much like my new attitude about being assertive and acting like an adult is finally paying off.

I told him I would speak to John about this. I think he will probably be pretty happy to do that, because he already knew he was going to lose me later this year and he wasn't really that okay with me leaving because of how things are going with the Dutch client. But I'm thinking I will say something like (and Julian and I have come up with this plan) what if I just handle the one account with Marijke and the Dutch and nothing else? It takes up half my time anyway.

And as for the baby, he said we will see what life brings us. We don't need to start straight away, but if we're lucky enough to be blessed early on, we should realize it for the gift that a baby will be. I looked at that house yesterday -- yuck. Big enough, but the swimming pool was like a hole in the ground. But I really liked the realtor and she is setting up two nice 4 beds for me to look at tomorrow afternoon. Can't wait!

Work IS a four-letter word.

Ugh. I have been at my desk now for over five hours and I am so overwhelmed with the amount of stuff I STILL have to do for the Dutch client. It's like it never stops! I think I mentioned a while back that somehow Marijke, the woman who I deal with a lot over there, somehow thinks I'm the only person who can do the work that needs to be done on this account, and she has convinced John, my boss that this is the case. John sees it as being really flattering to someone as junior as I am (I've only been in this job for a year and a half) but I see it as being really distracting from all the other accounts I have to work on with other team members.

Speaking of which, ugh. I am a little wary of typing this because she is about 6 feet away from me (but over the side of my cubicle wall so she can't see me actually typing) but Dana is just about the most annoying person I have ever had to work with. First of all, she is always complaining about how loud I type. I do NOT type loud. What does that even mean, type loud? She also brings her own lunch in, every single day, and it always smells strongly of garlic. No wonder she is still single -- all that garlic! Hummus, eggplant stuff, stuffed shells... Sure, maybe once in a while, but every day? Even having to smell egg salad would be an improvement. And she never comes out with us when Mary and I invite her to have sushi or go for a walk and a look around the stores. Ever. She said there was nothing for her in Forever 21 anyway, and I said, ummmm, that's not where we're shopping.

And there is this thing that is totally annoying me right now at work, and what's worse is I don't even know who's doing it! In our staff kitchen, we have a microwave, a fridge and a dishwasher. We're all supposed to clean up after ourselves and put our dishes right in the dishwasher after we use them, but people forget. I'm usually really good at it myself, but some people are lazy. Anyway, I often end up putting other people's plates and cups in there, and although I think I'm okay at doing this, someone else thinks they have a much better system of doing this, where everything is pointed in the "right direction" and grouped by type. Well, this someone has posted a notice about this and said that whoever (I guess me) is doing this improperly just needs to stop putting the dishes in if they can't get it right.

And while I'm at it, whoever has an issue with my dishwasher loading has also posted a notice on the cupboards to stop stacking the mugs "improperly" in there. I didn't even know there was a "proper" way of stacking mugs. This is what the note said:

"Whoever is the moron who keeps stacking the mugs DIRECTLY on top of one another (very unstable) instead of across needs to STOP doing this. For the third time this week, some have fallen out of the cupboard and broken. This is a waste of money and could get you or someone else injured. If you don't know how to stack the mugs, STOP TRYING TO HELP."

God, some people. It's only mugs! And only once has one fallen out on me, and it missed me. And yeah, it was in red letters, just like that.

I ran into Maven last night, which was nice but kind of weird. I suppose we might have crossed paths before and not realized it, after all. I mentioned this to Maven, and she said she had grown up in a city that was about the same size as Pasadena, and was always bumping into people there just after she had first met them -- they had probably been in the same places all along but never knew it. We were at Barnes and Noble -- she was waiting for her friend and I was wasting time before my hair appointment drinking a Frappuccino in the Starbucks.

So... I got my hair done! Finally. I think I love it -- it's very different from before. I used to be a dark strawberry blonde, and now it's kind of a medium-ish brown, with red and honey highlights woven in, very warm. I didn't get much taken off the length though. I think it looks fantastic, and a real difference to what I had before. I was really sick of my natural color. A real change.

Still haven't had time to look at any houses -- Julian is getting increasingly worried that I won't actually get around to this, and he has said to me that if he arrives here on his K1 and we do not have a family home that I have already moved into, he will be staying at The Langham Huntington until all is in order because he will not be living in my apartment again. If I wish to put my things and his into storage, I may move in with him. Actually, the idea of living in a hotel for a while is SO tempting! He said my place was fine for 88 days, but not for a lifetime; how I lived in a one-bed with no central air and an exposed cat litterbox was beyond him; and that time was wasting. I guess I'd better get on to it then.

Oh, and seeing Jen at the weekend! Almost forgot about it. She and I are going down to Venice to see Caitlin and have a barbecue. I asked Maven last night if she wanted to come, but she said that it would be kind of weird to meet these people having read so much about them, but with them not knowing she had read about them at all. (Did that make sense?) Also, she is going to Canada tomorrow morning for two weeks. She told me she was seeing Julez from VJ there. I didn't say anything, but I'm not crazy about that. Julez has been really rude to Julian on VJ, and I worry that maybe she will bad mouth him to Maven. Also, it's been so nice to have someone nearby I can talk to about all this VJ stuff who understands. I got so upset the other day I decided to take a break and I haven't been on there since yesterday morning. I think I just need for things to calm down a bit and then I can go back.

Wow, 2pm here and I still haven't eaten lunch. I guess I'll do that now.

Spring day, fallout.

I think you can guess what happened with my phone call to Alex. After the webinar was over, and I had brushed all the ice cream off my teeth (what was I thinking -- ice cream? The week I go dress shopping?), I couldn't find Alex's number anywhere. Not in any of the usual places -- I checked my various inboxes and Facebook, I checked Julian's Facebook, I looked in my phone. I looked him up online -- unlisted (of course). By this point it was nearly 2am and my body was begging me to just get between the sheets, even though my mind was whirring with everything I wanted to say to Alex. Get out of my life. Leave me alone. Stop harassing me. What exactly is your problem with me? What are you telling my fiance about me? What lies are you making up? My body had had enough though, and I gave in to the idea of bed, since I needed to be up at 7:30.

The sky was ominously gray this morning, and there was more of a wind than usual -- I don't know why, but it just creeped me out. I dragged myself through the routine of getting up -- shower (no time to wash hair, so I put a little dry shampoo in it, love the stuff, then curled it a little at the ends), a half-assed attempted at professional dress (wrinkled turquoise pencil skirt that I love, slightly dingy white twin set, must remember to go to cleaners), Slim Fast (penance for ice cream). I drove my gorgeous new car to work -- it's a shame that I have such a crap parking space in the employee lot, since no one really gets to see it, and it's so much nicer than even my line manager's Prius. And here I have stayed since 9am. It's after midnight. Who could it be? Oh, the Dutch? Yes, you're right. Marijke, the Queen Bitch I wrote about before, has decided that only Melissa can be trusted to go over the presentations. Only Melissa should be in charge of making sure that every last Powerpoint slide is perfect. John, my boss, said I should be honored, since I am relatively new to this industry and Marijke is an important client. At this point, I really don't care. I just want to sleep.

Julian called me around 10am my time. He'd read my post and told me not to worry too much about Alex, that his post was just a way of "winding me up." "I'm not a fucking wind-up toy, Julian!" I shouted, a little too loud since Dana in the cubicle next to mine actually put her finger up to her mouth in the universal symbol for "shhhh!" Julian told me that yes, there was a lot on his mind right now, mostly to do with his company. Well, his family's company. Julian's a director, and even though he's only 25 he is apparently really good at it! The chairman (another one who stared down my top at a drinks evening) told me, "Don't tell Julian -- it will go straight to his head -- but he's got more business nous than his father did at his age. We're in good hands with this next generation." I was so proud of J. Anyway, the company is doing a tricky acquisition right now and that's what the meeting was about. They were closing the deal that day, a day earlier than expected, and they were all about to go out to have celebratory drinks. He wanted to call me before he had one too many.

He did ask me much more pointed questions about Sean though. Did I realize how it looks to him for HIS fiance to go pick up her ex-boyfriend and "so-called best friend" (his words) in an expensive automobile bought for her with HIS money to go and spend exactly the sort of day HE wanted to spend with her but couldn't because HE is too busy making enough money for THEIR future? I said I hadn't thought of it at all that way. He knows Sean is like a brother to me, and would never do anything to make me unhappy or feel compromised. And that if anything J should be happy I have Sean to look after my safety -- he's 6'2" after all and as an ex-soccer player ("football," Julian grumbled at me, "it's bloody well not soccer") he can protect me from any harm. And anyway, it's not like I'm in love with Sean like I am with Julian -- I just love him. Can't he tell the difference? If I wanted to be with Sean, I would be -- it's not like I hadn't had a million chances to get back together with him since we broke up.

I don't know what I said that made Julian furious with me, but apparently I touched a raw nerve.

J: Melissa, listen to me. Listen very, very carefully. Can you do that?

M: Yes, Julian.

J: I mean it, Melissa. Listen to me. Focus. Pay attention. I don't have a lot of time here -- I'm supposed to be going to the Dorchester in 15 minutes for the deal party.

M: Yes, Julian.

J: Do you, or do you not, understand that you are compromising your promise to me -- to be my bride -- when you take your man-child hulk of an ex-boyfriend out on a romantic date?

M: It wasn't a date! It was just a picnic and a drive up the coast. What if it had been Jenn? Or Jen?

J: But it wasn't, Melissa. It was someone else now, wasn't it? Someone who I have seen on more than one occasion looking at you like he was a starving man and you were a roast turkey.

M: That's ridiculous! He's my best friend!

J: You may think he's your best friend Melissa, but trust me, he is marking his time and trying to wear you down. I will not be cuckolded by that... that thing.

M: Julian, you can't stop me from seeing my best friend!

J: Oh, you're right. I can't. But if you want to take a moment and think about what you might be throwing away so you can have another little "picnic", you might reconsider. I have to go now. I will try to call you in the morning, but depending on how this evening goes, I may want to take the morning off tomorrow. You may of course text me good night.

M: Oh honey. I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot --

J: Have to go Melissa. Think about this. I love you, more than you must realize if you're willing to do this to me. I am giving up my entire life to join you in that cultural wasteland. Respect me, Melissa, like I respect you. I love you.

And he didn't call, hasn't called back. I'm still at work and I would give Sean up forever if he would just call me right now. I've had all day to think about this and I still don't know what to do. And I still can't find Alex's number.

Too much work, not enough sleep

I've been working some late nights recently, trying to finish this project at work for a really demanding Dutch client. Interesting working with the Dutch -- they're really, really direct and some times it comes off as just plain rude! I'm learning how to translate what they say in English to American, so I don't get offended all the time. Most of the team I work with over there are very friendly and respectful of the fact that I also have a little bit of a life outside of the office, which includes weekends. This weekend was spent in the office, however, dealing with the increasingly insane deadlines that one woman there keeps setting me. They are trying to break into the American market with their product and although I am DEFINITELY not allowed to say what it is, I can say that I think it is pretty unlikely that it will take off in America. So I'm trying to come up with a way to market a product that I don't believe in, for a woman I think is nuts. And living with Not Enough Sleep.

There are a few plusses along with it though -- I am able to call Julian in the morning his time (we just got off the phone); the 134 is practically empty and I can get home from work in 20 minutes; and a lot of Chinese food delivered to work. I have to stop pigging out on the Sweet and Sour Pork though or I will never fit into ANY wedding dress that wasn't a tent! Speaking of which, Jen is coming with my mom and me this weekend to start looking for a dress. A dress! This is for real! Even though I still don't know when the wedding day will be, or even what colors we'll have. I wanted chocolate brown and Tiffany blue, but Julian said brown at a wedding sounded terrible. He kept referring to it as "shit brown", even though I kept correcting him about it. I really want a Christmas wedding, but frankly I'm open to having it sooner rather than later.

When we get the next piece of paper from the US Citizen and Immigration Service (USCIS for short, thankfully!) we'll have a better idea of when his interview will be. I'm on this great website called Visa Journey, an internet forum where everyone is applying for their loved one (usually fiance or spouse) to come to the US from overseas. SO much fantastic information there! Some real weirdos and some rude people, but the info is still great. Some person on there was really rude to Julian today and basically accused him of trying to buy his way into America!!! Can you believe it? I set her (her? him?) straight -- that we are in love and that is why he is getting a fiance visa. We're really lucky that Julian is well-off, but I don't like to brag about it. It will take a lot of strain off us though. We'll be looking for a Craftsman house in Pasadena to buy, and I will be out of my little one-bed here in what I like to call ghetto-fabulous Pasadena -- the wrong side of the 210. But it saves me $500 a month to be two blocks on the wrong side! Julian is I think a little worried about living here with me in what he calls "just plain ghetto, Melissa" until we get a house, so I get to start looking soon -- yay!

So I am still trying to come up with colors... Julian said he would like something understated and classic, like a paler shade of the blue I was thinking of and off-white. I'll probably go along with what he says, since I'm pretty useless at deciding things like that! Whatever happens, we'll have the reception at my parents' house in Burbank. It's kind of non-negotiable! I've always wanted to have my wedding reception there, ever since I was a little girl playing Barbie wedding. Julian is hardly a Ken, but that's a good thing! So much to plan... Jen is my maid of honor, and Jenn is one of the three bridesmaids (I wanted a small wedding party) along with my cousin Stella and Veronque, who is flying over here from Bristol. She stayed on after everyone graduated and designs jewelry.

So.... I guess among all this happy stuff I should probably talk about what went on with "Richard" who I can safely call Alex now that he outed himself. Alex, if you're reading this (and you probably are) you aren't scaring me. I spoke to Julian about this, and he said that he and Alex had had a great night at Club Gascon and that he had made it really clear that he was coming over to the US because it was a real adventure and because he loves me. He also told Alex that it was probably best not to "poke at me with an pointy stick" (I totally don't get the reference, but whatever) and to stop harassing me. Alex agreed to but clearly he couldn't help himself. I called J and asked how Alex could possibly know about my blog, and J said that maybe, accidentally, he might have let Alex know about it, and that maybe possibly they looked at it on Alex's iPhone in the restaurant. Alex apparently remarked on what a charming style of writing I had, and Julian felt that when he said that it meant that all was well between us. I nearly lost it -- how could he be so naive? Of course Alex was going to post something snarky.

I told Julian he better tell Alex to cut it out, but J said he thought MY response was OTT, and that he couldn't find anything really mean in Alex's post -- and that he thought it was funny! It was a good thing I had so much work to pour myself into, because I did not speak to J from Saturday evening until just now, when we just spoke (and made up -- yay!). I am going to try to do what Julian tells me to do and ignore it. I will really try, because I love him so much.