What am I supposed to say?

Well, this post was supposed to be about my annual appraisal, but I guess I will have to just deal with that by saying it went well. Really well, thanks to John giving an excellent review on my work during the last year. I have been approved to go part-time after I get back from my honeymoon in St. John, and I can even work extra hours from home if I want to. I was the only person in my rank to walk out of that conference room this week with a smile on her face, laughing with her boss. I knew everyone was watching, so it made me feel a little guilty because so many people had not had pleasant experiences, but I figured that this was MY life and I wanted to enjoy the moment for as long as it lasts.

So what this post is really about is this: I am thinking about stopping this blog. I'm not ashamed about anything I'm writing, and Julian has no objection to what I write or how I write it. I just think that what people are saying in the comments section is getting out of control. My fiancé has been called gay repeatedly, his best friend too, my fiancé has attacked my friend there, people are quoting from a movie that has Cameron Diaz in it... It's getting crazy and I just can't handle it on top of everything else. I'm trying to plan a wedding, buy a house, handle the bureaucracy of US immigration, deal with my mother who keeps begging me to come home for dinner, screen phone calls from people I don't want to have anything to do with anymore (Sean, Alex), see my friends and go to work and perform there.

I started this so I could process some really difficult emotions and talk about difficult things, and I think I have been able to do that. But I never dreamed that so many people would care about what I am doing, people who have never met me or my fiancé but have very strong opinions about who we are and what we are doing. And these people won't even identify themselves most of the time! I think if I keep doing this blog, I am going to change it so I don't get anonymous comments anymore. I think if you're going to say something to me about MY life, you should at least let me know who you are!

I spoke to Julian about his comment to Maven. I told him I was shocked at what he wrote and asked him why he wrote such a horrible thing. He said he was out with Alex in some bar in Soho, and they were pretty drunk. Alex showed him my most recent post and the comments that were on it, and Alex said something like, "That friend of Melissa's sounds like she's a goer from what Melissa told you about her. Looks like she might be up for something when you get out there." It really rubbed Julian the wrong way, because he'd already said he thought she was a bad influence on me, which he also told Alex. Alex said that perhaps Julian needed to show this woman who was boss then and to mark his territory, so Julian posted that horrible thing, but I know now it was just because Alex put him up to it and he was SO drunk. Julian apologized to me (!) and said it wouldn't happen again. He also said he would email Maven and say he was sorry, but she's flying back to LA all day today so I doubt she's even seen this yet.

And all because of this stupid, stupid blog! The whole incident on VJ last week where Julian got suspended would NEVER have happened if people who read this didn't start attacking him with what they think are "facts" about him and me. You don't know me and you don't know what my life and real, true love for Julian is like! I don't care what you think you know -- like the person who said I am being emotionally and economically abused, or the people who think that Alex is in love with Julian -- it's not true! Julian is sweet and cares for me SO much, and never withholds money from me. He always makes sure I have money when I need it, but I hate to ask because I prefer right now, while I am still single, to take care of myself as much as possible. Sure, the car was something I accepted, but I did that because it was something for both of us. So is the house. It's HIS money, so of course he should have a bigger say than me on where the house is! Maybe it's just a little old-fashioned for some people, having a relationship where the man takes responsibility for the big choices in life and makes the money, while the woman is free to be at home and explore a life outside of the workplace. What works for us may not work for you, OK?

But there are still some things I want to keep private. There are things I do not talk about on here, because they are embarrassing to me for what I have done to Julian. He told me that I shouldn't be ashamed of what I have done in the past because every time I do something wrong I tell him and he will always, ALWAYS forgive me. Sometimes it takes longer than others, like over the thing with Sean, but he always does. I am very lucky I ended up with him and not Alex, who tore my heart out and walked on it, and who likes to remind me of how humiliating that was. Between the two of them, I know I made the right choice.

So this may be the last from me for a while. I need to think about all of this and I really need to talk to Julian again.

Missed connections

Well, I got to talk to Julian a little on his way home from Alex's, before the reception cut out somewhere near Coventry. Not as much as I would have liked but Alex was in the car with him and kept telling him to "put the phone down on that stupid bint." Which just distracted J from talking to me, because he then would have to tell Alex to shut up, and then Alex would say something even worse. But somehow I managed to tell him I loved him, and he posted on VJ from his iphone too, just to show me he's there for me. He also texted me from just outside London, where they'd stopped for a pick me up, to tell me he missed me and missed having me near him, and how he can't wait to see me this summer.

I have been looking at a few houses online but Julian asked me not to post any links or anything about the addresses because you never know who's out there. He said I already say way too much about my private life here and this would be a step too far, so I will respect that. I am trying so much harder to listen to what is obviously good advice, and I think he is probably right. I mean, Maven wouldn't even have a drink with me in the Blue Room after I said we were going there, so showing where I'm going to live is probably even worse. But I made an appointment to see one tomorrow, which is so beautiful and amazing, with six bedrooms, which is way more than we need, but looks perfect. I doubt this is going to be The One, but it is at least a step in the right direction. The sooner I find something that looks good the sooner Julian will be here, which is a real incentive to get things done.

But I still haven't had the chance to talk to him about my feelings about work and the baby, which is really frustrating. By the time he got back to his flat it was very late his time, but I was still at work. I will try to call later but I am so tired I figure I probably won't make it to 1am, and we really need to find the time to talk about these issues. I feel angry with myself for not being more clear before with him about how I feel about everything.

I also emailed Sean and told him I was really sorry for leading him on but I still didn't think I was able to see him without other people around. He wrote back what is pretty much the only angry email I have ever had from him. He said that he was sick of Julian running my life for me. That he was so happy to think the other day that our life would be back to normal after MONTHS of problems, problems that all came from Julian. How much happier I would be if I could just see that that son of a bitch was trying to control me, and that I deserved someone much more normal than that, maybe not some "asshole English twit" but a regular guy. It was like I could finally see after all these months: Sean does not want me to be happy with Julian or even BE with Julian. He wants to be with me.

I was pretty shocked, and I had the kind of feeling of shame that starts in your belly and rushes up your arms and knots in your neck. I had done all sorts of things to make Sean believe that maybe I might want him and not Julian. I felt so bad for making him think that because he is such a good and decent guy. And it's not like I hadn't done it before, I think, because when I was seeing Noah, Sean was still very much in my life. In fact when Noah had to move to Seattle he told me to look out for Sean. Noah and I were pretty much breaking up at that point -- if you can call it a break up after four months of dating. It was more like a long summer fling that had to end, even though I did drive all the way up there a week after he left because I missed him so much. Anyway, yeah, he thought the same thing.

So I have decided that Sean can't be around me unless we are part of a larger group and until he can tell me that he has no more feelings for me than as a friend. I wrote him back a very short message that basically said this, and also that I was sorry if I ever led him to believe I loved him as anything more than a friend. I still haven't heard back from him but you know what? I don't really care.

Stupid webinars

I had wanted to post something about the horrible little comment Alex left on my last post. I will certainly post about it later today. It's 12.22am here and I am on a stupid webinar about Asia. I drew the short straw so here I am, in my pajamas and eating ice cream, listening to people drone on about the main office's plans to expand in Hong Kong. And all the while his stupid comment is eating me up. How dare he?

Oh god, someone just asked me a question there. I realized just in time and was able to give a sort of answer. I was far away, thinking about Alex. Why can't he just let us be? It's 8.35am now in London and I have a real mind to call him when I'm done here. I want some answers from him, since Julian sent me an email an hour ago telling me not to call after my webinar, since I won't be done until at least 9am his time, and he is going to be in a meeting from then until 1pm, some emergency board meeting.

If I can stay up I am going to call Alex and tell him to leave me alone. I know he's still holding stuff against me from our time in Bristol, all that silly stuff about Miranda. It was so long ago. I doubt that's everything. I know he sees me as a bubble-headed waste of space, or some social-climber just after Julian's money. I don't CARE about Julian's money. I know there are plenty of women who would just see Julian as just one big pound sign, but I really don't give a damn about it at all. If anything, it seems like it's a bigger hassle than I want to deal with most of the time. His parents have all these expectations of me -- especially the one about having a son, which makes me feel like I'm in some Victorian novel. One of the reasons I want to be here in America and not there in England is that over here I won't have to be some stupid society hostess, throwing dinner parties and going to balls. I went to plenty of these stupid charity events during the six months I was there. They were so boring, and I always got stuck sitting next to a horrible old man who spent half the time spooning food into his mustache and the other half staring down my dress. Jocasta, Julian's mum, always did a debrief after these events, telling me where I had fallen short and how to improve since some day I was going to have to host one of these things. And during the events, she would hover nearby to make sure I didn't say something embarrassing. If I did, she would actually come close and put her arm around me and then pinch me!

I think this webinar is drawing to a close, thank god. Almost 1am and I am exhausted. But I am going to call Alex if I can stay awake. I hate Alex. I just hate him.

Not a good day

Sometimes you get days that are just so amazing, when you feel like everything is falling into place: you're in love, your work is going well, you have a place to live, food in the fridge, money in the bank, a cat on your bed at night, streaming Netflix on the Wii, and some good girlfriends. And that is enough for you.

Today is not one of those days.

I'm sure Julian will chime in at some point on this, since he was witness (or at least a witness over Skype and email) to me losing the plot. I'm not proud of it. Basically, J has a friend that I cannot stand. I'll call him Richard. Richard is in my opinion a mean, domineering jerk who pushes J around and expects him to basically come when called. So when Richard tells Julian they are going out for drinks, it's not a request but a command. (Julian will I'm sure disagree with me but whatever.) Julian is probably Richard's best friend, and has been since they were in their first year at university.

Richard also HATES me. Hates me! Sometimes it feels something like jealousy. At first when it was just us going out when I was doing my junior year abroad, Richard would make snide remarks about my hair (messy) and my clothes (apparently very American, which was a bad thing in his eyes). My friend Veronique told me that she one time heard Richard say to someone that Julian was wasted on someone like me. Julian told me to ignore him if it hurt, but that Richard just has a strange sense of humor. Once J and I got engaged, Richard exploded and actually called me up and told me I was free to ruin my own life but I was not taking Julian with me. It felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I told Julian to have a word with Richard about this, and said I would feel better if they didn't see each other for a while out of respect to me, which Julian did.

I don't want to go into it right now, but Julian and I did have a break for a while last year. Richard was overjoyed we had broken up. It was horrible, but I got the last laugh when I sent him an engagement announcement in March. Ha ha! Seriously though, J had a long talk with Richard and made it clear this is what he wanted, and I promised to stay out of things where Richard was concerned. Well, this is where it all went kinda pear-shaped, as J would say. Richard emailed me yesterday to say he would do everything he could to stop us from getting married.I ignored it. He wrote again, telling me that all I was interested in was Julian's family money. I wrote back saying that that was a mean and inappropriate thing to say, and that it was totally OTT. Richard wrote back and called me a selfish bitch, dragging J 6000 miles from home. So I forwarded the chain to Julian because by this point I was in tears.

Then J told me to ignore Richard, that he's just going to miss having his best friend around, and that he's been having a really difficult time at work (he works as an investment banker at a bank that shall remain nameless but is all over the news right now) and probably drinking too much. It made me cry even more because I felt (not for the first time) that he's defending his best friend against his future WIFE when it's the friend who is the problem! J said that wasn't the case, that I was always his best girl, and that he would take care of things with Richard. They're having dinner tonight to talk about this. I don't want to keep him from his best friend, but it is so painful.

Mary brought me a Frappuccino to my desk to help me, and I just ate one of my emergency Milky Ways I stuff in the bottom drawer of my desk. I called Jen and Jenn and they agreed to come over to my apartment later with bottles of wine. We're going to watch He's Just Not That Into You and Notting Hill (hello, nostalgia?) and veg out. I promised Julian I would be sober enough to talk at 1am though!

So... bleh.