Lots to catch up on

I'm just going to start off with a very brief statement: if you do not like what I write about or how I write it, no one is forcing you to read this blog. I never intended for you to read it anyway and if you leave I won't miss you. I won't even stoop to address some of the things you wrote about me, and Julian and my mother-in-law to be. That is all I will say about this. I had a therapy session this evening and we talked about this, and Joanna said that if I choose to keep blogging, I need to not let other people's lies to get to me.

So... a lot has happened since I last posted. I want to kind of do this in chronological order, even though obviously the big news is about the house. But if I write it as it happened, then it's easier for me to make sure I don't miss anything. So Monday, we met up with Jocasta at her suite at the Langham. I was really pretty nervous about going, not only because the last time I saw her was during a visit to London in March of 2009, when it still looked like Julian and I were getting married (I mean we still are, but the first time we were engaged). She's always been very cold with me, as I've mentioned before, but Julian says I'm just too sensitive and assume that what are jokes are actually insults. We were at dinner one night, at the family pied a terre, and when I ate my bread with butter, she said something like, "Melissa, how brave of you to eat butter like that, as if it were cheese. Of course you know your metabolism will change when you're 24, so best to break that habit now." I was only 2 months away from my 24th birthday and she knew it!

Anyway, we met up at the Langham, which I had heard about but never been to. My friends always stay on my couch if they're visiting from out of town, or at a Motel 6, or at my parents'. It is absolutely gorgeous -- here it is: http://pasadena.langhamhotels.com/ We had to get there pretty early because we were due to see all the houses in one day, since Jocasta said she needed to leave California by Thursday afternoon (which she has). Jocasta is... pretty much everything my mom isn't. My mom looks like a mom, like you can hug her and tell her your problems, and she'll listen to you. Jocasta is very thin and when I hug her it isn't very comfortable, unlike being in my mom's hug. I always feel like I might break her. But I hardly ever have to hug her anyway; she's much happier with a kiss on the cheek. She and Julian checked through the details of the houses while I poked around the grounds a little since it was a relatively cool morning. Julian called me on my cell and told me to come back, since the realtor was here now, and she was due to show us the houses.

It had been so long since I'd seen them, I'd almost forgotten what they were like. The first one we went to was the four bed I loved the best, with the Aga appliances, and all the original wood. Jocasta inspected every room, while Julian spoke to the realtor about the schools in this area, and crime rates, and things I hadn't even considered to ask. I was just focused on how the place felt. We all went to look at the kind of overgrown backyard, and Jocasta said what a charmingly rustic feel it all had, exactly the sort of project that would keep me busy. It was just the way she said it, maybe, but something about it made me feel trapped, like all I was good for was gardening and wasting time while Julian got to go out and be in the world. Also, I can't garden; we always had gardeners, like everyone else around here. I asked her about the inside, what did she think of the rooms, and weren't they gorgeous? She looked at me and said, "They're rather small. I suppose if they were all children's rooms, that would be one thing. But I know that it will be at least 5 years before you fill all three extra rooms, and you will need room for entertaining." 5 years? To have three children? I can't even think about that. We left after Jocasta grilled the realtor some more about the neighbors, and what sort of people they were like.

Next up was the five bed I also liked. Again, Jocasta spent a lot of time trying door handles and looking in closets and making comments about American wiring. Julian really liked that the studies were already set up, and he loved the master suite. He walked around with me this time, holding my hand and talking about it as if it were already our home, where he would put things, where we sleep, and eat, and live together. He was spinning a whole story for me and I just knew this was the one. I looked him straight in the eye and told him this is where I wanted to be. I didn't even want to look at the third. And if he trusted me and knew me, what I was about, he could see this is where he wanted to be too. I don't think I've ever seen him look at me the way he did then -- it was as if he finally felt connected to me as a wife, as a partner, and not just Melissa. Something about me had broken through him, through his often hard shell. It has happened many times before, that I get beyond the surface, but this time... there was something different. I guess he realized that this was it, the start of a new life, and having a happy wife was something he needed to have.

He called Jocasta and the realtor in and told them that this was it. He wasn't going to see the third. This was the house that made me happy, and my happiness was what was most important to him. Oh, and that he loved it too, that the studies were ideal, and the neighborhood (which is basically the same as the other one, just a little closer to Old Town) was acceptable. I kept my eye on Jocasta, who didn't look happy. At all. Her mouth was very, very tight. She asked the realtor if she would please excuse her and Julian, but they needed to have a private word. Jocasta stalked out of the kitchen, and Julian followed her to I guess one of the studies. I heard the door shut, not slammed, but shut firmly. I couldn't hear their voices but I knew this wasn't good. The realtor told me a bit more about schools, and how much more convenient it was for Old Town, and I told her I loved it and I wanted to be here. She said that she could see that Jocasta was hesitant, but that ultimately it was Julian and my house. I could have hugged her for that.

About ten minutes later, Julian and his mum walked into the kitchen. Julian was smiling, and Jocasta wasn't, which I figured was a good sign. He said that he wanted to make an offer on this house, and that he would need to speak with his lawyers here first, but that later today he would be in touch with a figure. I could hardly breathe! I hugged him, and he just looked down at me with the same look he had before. "Melissa, I am going to make you the happiest wife I can," he said to me. I know he means it. We ran around the house again, looking in the bathrooms and closets and everything. This was it! Our home at last. Jocasta was not happy, but it isn't her money anyway, it's his and will soon be ours.

Oh god, I am so tired and it's 2am and I haven't even gotten to Monday's dinner! I will really try to do all of this tomorrow -- I have the day off to go with Julian to sign some power of attorney thing at the lawyers that will let me act on his behalf while he's back in London. I don't really need the whole day off, but Julian is leaving on Monday and I want to spend a full day just with him. I had to go to work Tuesday, Wednesday and today, so I want to really maximize the time we have together. Luckily not too much happened on those days since they were mostly filled with me going to work, Julian taking care of things with his mother at the lawyers (more than just the house, they are trying to work out some tax structure that I couldn't understand), and then us seeing Jocasta for dinner and then coming back here to just be ourselves. So busy. But tonight we got to go out with Jen again, which was just as great as last time, and we went to 21 Choices. Even Julian likes 21 Choices!

Actually, huh, it looks like I just covered Tuesday through Thursday, so tomorrow I will write about our dinner, because it was not what I had hoped. Oh, and the RFE, which we sent off today! Hooray!

Maybe better, oh I hope maybe better.

What a couple of days. Obviously what happened with Julian was the biggest thing I had to worry about recently. I couldn't bring myself to tell my mother what happened. I was so ashamed of what I had done I just couldn't say to her after our happy shopping trip that I had done something that could change me even needing that dress. I tried to post something last night about all of this, and just nothing would come out of my fingers. Which is really strange for me -- before I started this blog, I would write pages and pages in my diary; now I type it and share it (sometimes I think how weird this is!) but it's always a lot! Anyway, I couldn't talk to my own mother about what I did and I had no idea what to do.

I had a very nice and helpful comment from one of my readers (hi Justine!), who said a lot of things that hit close to home. I am not to blame for Sean being at the party, and even Julian said that, but I was to blame for not making it clear to everyone that going and staying at his place was not something I could do anymore, even if it always had been before. Oh god, getting ahead of myself. (deep breath) But I made the decision to let Julian tell me what he expects of me in terms of my behavior during the time we're apart. We have to talk about what is and is not acceptable. I know that he and Alex go out sometimes and stay out really late, and go to places like Stringfellows (but in an ironic way, Julian says), but I know Julian is faithful to me. (Even with Alex constantly telling him to reconsider marrying me, I know Julian will not cheat on me.) So the burden is on me really since I'm the one who is misbehaving.

I want to talk to J about this, but until 2.15pm today I haven't heard his voice except on his voicemail. I know he told me to wait for him to call me, but I couldn't stand it. I called him every half hour on Monday, and every hour today, until he finally picked up. I took yesterday and today off work because I was so exhausted from the grief I was feeling, yes, grief. All I could do was lie on the couch, with Tibbs (my cat) curled up next to me, and cry and watch really bad TV. I can't believe how many Lifetime movies I watched. I watched Love, Actually and it made me cry even more. Every scene of London made me miss my life with Julian that we had there, and all the fun we had there. How safe I felt, probably because I knew I had him to watch out for me. Sure, Alex was there more often than I liked, but he wouldn't ever say anything obviously mean in front of Julian. He would make comments that would "take the piss" but were so clever that J would laugh (I would have laughed too if it weren't about me, and when I have heard Alex make fun of other people I always laughed even if it was mean) and I could never come up with a smart comeback. It just made me feel stupid.

Anyway, I could hardly move. On Sunday evening I asked my next door neighbor, Pat, who's retired, to go out and get me some Ben & Jerry's and chardonnay and a pack of Marlboro Ultra Lights; he was only too happy to do it since I took care of Stan, his Siamese cat, last month. Pat brought back 6 tubs of assorted ice cream flavors, 3 bottles of wine and two packs of cigarettes. He also offered to roll me a joint, since he has a medical marijuana certificate, but I said no. (Although I might change my mind.) I spent Sunday night eating Chunky Monkey and drinking wine and smoking inside my apartment, which I never do. I mean, I basically quit when I came back to America from my year in Bristol, but I do have the occasional "crafty fag" when I have a drink.

I started calling Julian at 1am, and kept calling until I guess I passed out at 4am. He never answered. I left a couple of messages saying I was sorry and begging him to call me to talk things out. I woke up on Monday morning at the usual time because Tibbs sat on my head to get me to feed him. I called into work and told them I was having a personal issue and that I would need to take two days off. John, my boss, called me back at 9am (I had been calling Julian when he called, and had to hurriedly finish a message to J asking him to call back) and asked if it was okay if he asked what the problem was. I said I had never taken a personal day before (which is true) and that I didn't want to get into the details but it was wedding-related. He sounded relieved, and said "At least it wasn't a death!" I laughed a little, but I know it sounded hollow. I promised I would be in on Wednesday no matter what. I think John thought when I said it was wedding-related, that it was something like a caterer, and I am lucky to have him excuse me for something as silly as that, even if it wasn't actually something so silly.

I forgot to mention that I had talked to both Jen and Jenn on Sunday about what the hell happened with me being sent home with Sean. I had them both on a conference call because it was painful enough to talk about it once, I didn't want to have to go over it individually. Jenn said she honestly didn't know ANYTHING about Julian not wanting me to see Sean, or what J's concerns were. Jen said the same thing, and said she felt like a fool for not seeing that Sean had feelings for me. Jenn said that was ridiculous, that J was acting like a possessive asshole who couldn't stand that his "woman" might have a male friend. Jen told her to think about it from the other way around -- what if Dan (Jenn's boyfriend) had a best friend who was a girl, and what if Jenn had to be away from Dan for six months or more, and Dan kept telling her all these stories about all the amazing times he was having with this friend? Jenn told her that men and women can be platonic friends, and that the idea that sex always gets in the way is a lie. Jen asked for a reference for this, and then said "And Wikipedia is NOT a reference!"

I asked why I was allowed to go home with Sean and not Caitlin, and Jenn told me the whole story.  I was too drunk to realize this, but she had gone home with Scott Dell (holy crap, Scott Dell! How random! I went on one date with him senior year), who was at the bar but not at our party. He was there with other people, and Caitlin walked by and he recognized her right away. She stopped by to tell Jen and Sean that Scott Dell was here, and that she would be right back, but she never returned and they figured out what must have happened. Caitlin wasn't around for me to stay at her place when it was clear I had had enough, so Sean had said he would be more than happy to put the birthday girl to bed. Jen thought that sounded like a great idea, especially since he only lives a ten minute drive from the bar. Apparently I agreed with this, and said something like "Sean always takes care of me, you're AMAAAAZING." (Ugh, how embarrassing.)

So Jenn is mad at me for what she calls being a "submissive little wifey" to Julian, and Jen is taking my side and is not talking to Jenn right now, even though I said I didn't care, and Jenn is still talking to me anyway (and she brought more ice cream today). Sean tried calling me a gazillion times on Sunday, and sent a whole bunch of texts, but I didn't answer any of them. He apologized for putting me in an uncomfortable position, and said he didn't want to make things bad between J and me. I really doubt that.

So Monday was a total disaster. J wouldn't call me and wouldn't take my calls or answer any of the emails I sent him. Today was almost identical -- ice cream, Lifetime Movie Network, cigarettes, but this time I had some coffee (Pat made some and brought it by) too. All I could think about was how could I be so stupid? Was I really throwing away everything with Julian because I am really bad about telling people no? And then I realized that I HAD told Sean to leave me alone, and that Julian didn't want me seeing him, and that he was just going too far, and Sean STILL took me back to his! What was he doing? It's not like Sean and I have anything sexual -- we didn't even have sex for Christ's sake when we went out -- so what was he doing? Well, since I'm not speaking to him right now I just don't know, and I doubt he would tell me the truth anyway. Julian must be right about him.

I had pretty much decided that Julian wasn't going to answer my calls by 2pm my time, 10pm his. So when I tried once again at 2:15 and he picked up, I thought my heart was going to burst out of my body. He said my name, and I thought I would melt or burn up, I don't know, it felt like I was aware of every vein in my body. He sounded a little drunk, and I could hear a TV or something in the background. I told him I missed him SO much, and how sorry I am and how badly behaved, and it all just rushed out about how I was not going to see Sean ever again and how I had told the Jen(n)s not to let Sean anywhere near me and how Caitlin had hooked up with Scott Dell... And then he interrupted me and told me he didn't want to lose me, that I had no idea what I meant to him, what having me as his wife would mean, and that he didn't care what Alex thought of me. That the past -- my past -- was not my future, and that I would never, ever again cheat on him like I did back in Bristol. (Oh god, are we going to have to go there? I have a feeling I am going to have to write about that.) That he had gotten one over on [name deleted] in the end by getting me back in his bed (*cringe*) and that he was certain [name deleted] was still jealous after all these years.

I asked where he was, and he said Alex's flat in Chelsea. Total bachelor pad, filled with every gadget ever invented. Even though I was so happy to talk to J, knowing he was at Alex's filled me with so much anger -- I bet I know why Julian hadn't answered his phone in 48 hours. He probably had Alex filling his head with all sorts of crap about once a slut, always a slut, or how I was only in it for the money, or any of the lovely things I know he says about me. Julian would have been in the right mental space to listen to those things and believe them. Then I heard Alex in the background, saying something like "Is that your wayward tart, young Mr. Cranford? Hang up, she's not worth it. Anyway, the bordeaux's probably breathed enough to drink now."

Julian told me he had to go, but that he would call me around 1am my time. Which it almost is. Another twenty minutes to go! Is it too much to hope that he has forgiven me? Oh god, I need a break here.

Stupid webinars

I had wanted to post something about the horrible little comment Alex left on my last post. I will certainly post about it later today. It's 12.22am here and I am on a stupid webinar about Asia. I drew the short straw so here I am, in my pajamas and eating ice cream, listening to people drone on about the main office's plans to expand in Hong Kong. And all the while his stupid comment is eating me up. How dare he?

Oh god, someone just asked me a question there. I realized just in time and was able to give a sort of answer. I was far away, thinking about Alex. Why can't he just let us be? It's 8.35am now in London and I have a real mind to call him when I'm done here. I want some answers from him, since Julian sent me an email an hour ago telling me not to call after my webinar, since I won't be done until at least 9am his time, and he is going to be in a meeting from then until 1pm, some emergency board meeting.

If I can stay up I am going to call Alex and tell him to leave me alone. I know he's still holding stuff against me from our time in Bristol, all that silly stuff about Miranda. It was so long ago. I doubt that's everything. I know he sees me as a bubble-headed waste of space, or some social-climber just after Julian's money. I don't CARE about Julian's money. I know there are plenty of women who would just see Julian as just one big pound sign, but I really don't give a damn about it at all. If anything, it seems like it's a bigger hassle than I want to deal with most of the time. His parents have all these expectations of me -- especially the one about having a son, which makes me feel like I'm in some Victorian novel. One of the reasons I want to be here in America and not there in England is that over here I won't have to be some stupid society hostess, throwing dinner parties and going to balls. I went to plenty of these stupid charity events during the six months I was there. They were so boring, and I always got stuck sitting next to a horrible old man who spent half the time spooning food into his mustache and the other half staring down my dress. Jocasta, Julian's mum, always did a debrief after these events, telling me where I had fallen short and how to improve since some day I was going to have to host one of these things. And during the events, she would hover nearby to make sure I didn't say something embarrassing. If I did, she would actually come close and put her arm around me and then pinch me!

I think this webinar is drawing to a close, thank god. Almost 1am and I am exhausted. But I am going to call Alex if I can stay awake. I hate Alex. I just hate him.

Sometimes...

...there's nothing like a girls' night out! After I get married, I won't be able to go out all the time with my friends so I am doing it as often as I can. (Then I feel guilty because I feel like I shouldn't feel that this is the end of my life... it's just the end of my old life!)

Anyway, I went out for sushi tonight with Jen and Jenn -- it got so confusing in the car when I was reading them their horoscopes off my Blackberry. I said "Jen, what's your sign again?" and Jen answered "Virgo!" and Jenn said "Taurus!" at the same time! So funny -- we were shaking with laughter. I had to refer to them by their last names which Jenn said made me sound like I was her old gym coach. We went to Zushi and OMG I am soooo full. I ate the Hungry Roll and the Ultimate Tuna Roll and a bit of Jen's Hot Night Roll. Good thing I skipped lunch! My stomach looks so big it looks like I'm five months pregnant!

Then we went to 21 Choices in Old Town Pasadena and had ice cream. I had chocolate with boysenberries mixed in. SOOOOO GOOD! Jen, Jenn and I sat on one of the benches and watched all the Occidental students. We felt so old! The whole time we were laughing -- I couldn't breathe when I asked Jen what she was having and I thought she said "Oreo with crab mixed in" -- so surreal. Jenn said the idea made her throw up a bit in her mouth.

Nearly midnight... nearly 8am where my baby is. I loved tonight but it will be so much better when it's us going to Zushi and 21 Choices.