Julian is almost here!

I know I haven’t posted in a little while – I got a few emails asking if everything is okay. I’m still alive! It’s just been really busy at work, and I’m getting ready for Julian to arrive later. I’ve been cleaning since I got home last night at 6, and I’ll probably be doing that until 2pm, when I need to leave for the airport. Put clean sheets on the bed, fresh towels in the bathroom, cleaned the fridge, vacuumed the whole apartment, dusted, washed out the litter box. I went to Ralphs and stock up on the things I know he likes to eat. I can’t believe the day is finally here! And then on Monday (which I have off because I went in on the 5th) we go and look at the houses so Julian can help decide which one will be our new home. It’s all so fast but so exciting!

So I went to see my new therapist Thursday night. I’ll call her Joanna (nothing like her real name). She’s in Glendale, which is a lot more convenient for me than Beverly Hills. She’s also a LOT cheaper than Dr. N, and she takes my insurance. I liked her right away. She’s about 35, and she dresses REALLY well (her shoes were definitely Jimmy Choos), so it doesn’t feel like I’m having a conversation with someone like my mom. (I have had two therapists like that and it always felt like I was being lectured.) We talked about what I think my problems are – visa, wedding, moving to part-time work, friends, being away from my fiancé, my family – and my feelings that I just can’t cope with it all. I told her about the GAD diagnosis and the Klonopin and the Zoloft. She just listened to me for a while, and then she said she could see that I was under a lot of stress, but that a lot of it seemed to be stress I was making for myself. She said we should try cognitive behavioral therapy, which I have tried before, but it never worked. But I said I was willing to try. She recommended some books for me to read and said she thought I needed to wean myself off the Klonopin. I had been on it a week at that point, and I was down to taking half a pill a day anyway, so my last half was last night. She also said I should look at other techniques for dealing with stress, like yoga and exercise.

I feel so much more together from all the stuff I have been doing recently to make myself better – the diagnosis, the anti-anxiety medication, therapy, and most importantly talking to Julian about how I feel without feeling too guilty. It’s like I’m finally starting to realize that I can be myself in this relationship, and that I don’t have to worry that he’s going to leave me if I do something wrong.  Again and again he forgives me, and does things that are amazing just to make me feel better. He said that he knows I am more delicate than he is, and that he needs to handle me carefully and with love, and that he’ll do what he needs to to protect me. And I know he means it. I know some people don’t understand our relationship – they think he’s bossy, and that I just give in to whatever he says – but we know we love and cherish each other, and ultimately that is the most important thing at stake here. We want to set up our new life here together and be happy, just like everyone else. We want a quiet life together, and I want to be an amazing wife to Julian, and someday mother to his children.

And he will be here in just over three hours! I’d better get in the shower now and get ready. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it!