I stayed away from my blog and from VJ all day yesterday, and it looks like everyone felt like they needed to make a comment on my life. Some of you people don't even sound real, you're so cruel. The person who said I wasn't loved as a child and that's why I make it seem like everyone's in love with me is so wrong I can't even believe it. I was and AM a very much loved daughter! My parents are always begging me to come home for dinner and I try to see them once a month. And yes, I think Sean does have a thing for me (you do not know our history) but I have made it very clear to him that we are friends. And yes, I used to see Alex and NO I did not have sex with him in Seattle! That is just speculation and hurtful. I can't understand how you people can be so spiteful.
(calming down)
I went to the doctor yesterday; I'll call him Dr. N. He was recommended by a friend of Alex's who lives out here in the LA area. He's supposed to be one of the best psychopharmacologists around, really listens to you and prescribes not just medication but also things like fish oil and yoga and medication. He believes in treating people holistically. I was really worried, because I have been seeing the same psychiatrist since I was 15, but he retired last year and I knew if I had to see one again it would be weird since I had been seeing Dr. P. (the old one) for close to ten years. But Alex said that Dr. N. was one of the best, and Julian offered to pay for me since Dr. N. doesn't take my insurance (and he isn't cheap). It was over in Beverly Hills which is a total nightmare to get to from Pasadena. I ended up being 20 minutes early, which was fine, since I had a ton of paperwork to fill out.
When I got to see Dr. N., he listened to me talk for twenty minutes about my current problems (visa, house, friend problems) and how I couldn't cope with it and I often ended up crying at work or at home, and how I sometimes drank a bottle of wine to just make the pain stop. I also told him about my long-standing anxiety issues and what had worked before. He diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and gave me a prescription for Zoloft for that, but he also said he could see I was in a lot of immediate anxiety so he gave me a prescription for Klonopin, which I've never had before. He also referred me to a therapist in my area for regular weekly sessions. I start next week.
So I went back to Pasadena and called Jen up and asked her to come over after her day was over to come and sit with me while I took my first dose of Klonopin since I had no idea what my reaction would be. She got to me about 6pm, and I took my first dose. It took about half an hour or so to kick in, but I started to feel really relaxed for the first time in months. It was like I was just spreading out, all the tension was just leaving and I felt loose and, well, like a puddle. Jen sat with me and we watched TV; well, she did, and I just kind of drifted in and out of consciousness. Wonderful!
I took today off too so I am at home and I just took a a dose, which really takes the edge off. I took it because I got the hard copy of the RFE notice. It turns out that I forgot to include enough proof of meeting in the past two years. I can't believe I forgot but apparently I didn't put in passport stamps that prove we have been together. What an idiot! I put in pictures and a long statement on how we met and all the time we have been together but I think I didn't include the passport stamps or anything that what VJ people call "primary" evidence. I think. Not really sure. I told Julian and he said he couldn't talk about it with me then but he would call me back. I just feel like it was really stupid but I guess the Klonopin is making me feel more like this just isn't a big deal after all. Alex just emailed me to see how I was doing and to give him a call. Since I can't talk to Julian I think I might do that. It would be good to hear his voice.
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Your Beverly Hills doc gave you klonopin? FFS! Why in the hell would he give you a benzo right out of the box?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.aafp.org/afp/20000401/2121.html
JQ
Benzo's pretty common for anxiety actually. I'm surprised that you're surprised.
ReplyDeleteI feel sorry for you M
ReplyDeleteYou sound calm and rational Melissa. So glad you got some help so you can get on with things without being so upset.
ReplyDeleteHey, I walked into an urgent care clinic here in SoCal having an acute anxiety attack. I was given a prescription for 35 Ativan (another benzo) after a 15 minute consult. Maybe they just like giving them out like candy around here?
ReplyDeleteThe Klonopin really seems to be helping. I had to take one yesterday before I went to bed, because Julian and I argued about the RFE. Before anyone jumps down my throat, we really did argue and I am not saying it just to get any sympathy. As I'm sure everyone can see he is really upset we got an RFE. It was pretty stupid of me to leave out a lot of evidence. I checked the copy I took of the initial package and it pretty much only has a couple of pictures of us and a statement about our relationship. I guess I was just so excited to get the I-129F out I didn't check it as much as I had thought.
ReplyDeleteI will try to write a full post about all of this later. And yes, my doctor did give me Klonopin "right out of the box." As other people have mentioned, it's pretty normal to get benzos at the beginning of treatment. I have been dealing with anxiety issues for 10 years and I know a little bit about this, but I have never been diagnosed with GAD before. I always was told I suffered from depression and had flare ups of anxiety but I never was given a real diagnosis. I think it makes a lot of sense.
Melissa, anybody can spit out a diagnosis. All it takes is a copy of the DSM and then throw a bit of clinical jargon around. So don't be too impressed by your overpriced BH doc who didn't take your insurance. He probably doesn't take insurance at all. While benzo's can be helpful, they are highly addictive; are dangerous when taken with alcohol; and cause numerous side effects such as sleepiness and being tired. They should NOT be taken for more than 2 to 4 weeks. They are not a silver bullet for anxiety and yes I am disappointed to read of ANYONE being prescribed these meds at the first stage of treatment.
ReplyDeleteAs for the RFE and Julian's reaction, Melissa are you surprised? Why is it all right for Julian and Alex to stage a joke that can ramp up your anxiety, but if you make a mistake on some paperwork, he lights up? Really he should just be thankful you are even at all still interested in marrying him.
You don't need Klonopin. You need to tell Julian that his uppity ass can stay in Great Britain where he can feel free to torture someone else.
Seriously.
JQ
It's still *JUST* AN RFE!!!! Give them what they want and move on. :)
ReplyDeleteI think JQ has a crush on Melissa.
ReplyDeleteMuriel
Hey JQ -- I'm the one who got the 35 Ativan last year after a 15 minute consult. They saved my life. My brain was spiralling into madness through anxiety, and I was unable to work or function properly. I took Ativan for a week in conjunction with therapy and a new antidepressant. The Ativan allowed me to have some time to stop the incessant buzz and obsession and feelings of hopelessness, so I could regroup and move on. I take an Ativan just every now and then since then; my last one I took about three months ago.
ReplyDeleteI have them on a shelf in my kitchen. It's good to know they still are there if I need one, but I doubt it will be any time soon. If Melissa can use these Klonopin as I did my Ativan, she'll be all right. She just needs to make sure she also goes to therapy and takes her Zoloft. I think she'll be all right.
--Maven
Maven, would you liken what you were going through at that time to be on the same scale as Melissa?
ReplyDeleteIs Klonopin appropriate?
JQ
Honestly? I think my life was a little crazier than Melissa's at the time for any number of reasons. I was literally shaking when I went into that urgent care room from the nerves. How I even managed to drive there I'm still unsure of; that I made it the 6 miles home is even more amazing.
ReplyDeleteI am not a healthcare professional so I can't say if it is appropriate for Melissa to be taking Klonopin. But if her ability to function is being affected by the stresses in her life, especially ones that she feels totally out of control of, a short course of benzos isn't out of the question. They are horribly addictive though -- every time I floated away on that Ativan cloud I thought how AWESOME it felt!
They're not an answer -- the therapy is the REAL answer here, the Zoloft too to some extent. I am not going to tell Melissa to dump Julian. It isn't my place; the heart is a confounding thing that often brings us love that others cannot quite fathom. However, it is callous and insensitive for Julian to berate Melissa at a time she is clearly fragile, Klonopin or no. For that, I would love to biff him on the nose.
--Maven
Now, how much of this anxiety is derived from Julian drama? Do you really think that any of this will change after he moves to the states?
ReplyDeleteOther than Maven - I don't understand why anyone cares what happens to these two. It sure is sad to watch, but really, who cares?
ReplyDeleteShadenfreude
ReplyDeleteHi everyone. I just wanted to say thank you to those of you who are concerned about me (especially to JQ and Maven who identified themselves).
ReplyDeleteJQ, I think I am doing OK. It's really flattering to think that someone out there, someone I've never met before, is worried that I'm suffering or that I got medication that could hurt me. My doctor talked to me about all the side effects of the Klonopin, and was really clear that I can't drink. He said I should take it on a daily basis for no more than two weeks, and after that on an "as needed" basis.
I am upset that everyone thinks this is Julian's fault. It isn't! He is not making my life a hell at all. He loves me, and loves nothing better than to make me happy. I will do a longer post later today about this. I have a lot to say now that I'm more calm.
Schadenfreude is my favourite kind of freude.
ReplyDelete