A month away from blogging.

I have taken a break from this blog because I thought it was getting a little out of control. I was being attacked from every side, I was accused of all sorts of terrible and untrue things, and it was hurting my relationship with Julian. As I'm sure everyone saw, he accused me of still being in love with someone else, and the reason that was the case was because people who commented on the blog put that idea in his head, or at least encouraged it. It took a lot of talking and a long weekend in London for me to calm him down. Yes, I actually did something and didn't blog about it or post it on VJ! Unbelievable!

So yes, we took some time to really look at our relationship and try to understand why we are doing what we're doing, getting married and settling in America. We really love each other and want to be with each other as partners, and we really don't care if people on VJ don't like us. We also won't stop posting on VJ just because people don't like us. All of the attacks have made us stronger and closer and even more in love than ever before. Just because you don't understand our relationship doesn't mean it isn't one that works for us.

And I saw Alex when I was there -- before you jump to any conclusions, Julian was with me and it was just dinner. I wanted to put all the old history behind me and really try to be his friend again. He has given me a lot of support over the past couple of months, after really despising me for a while. Many people have asked how he could go from being so hateful to so protective of me. I'll just say this. It's a cliche that love and hate are not opposites but are closer together than people think. Alex loved me once (or something like love) and although he still thinks us getting married isn't a great idea, he cares about his friends (yes, "friends", both J and me) and doesn't want to bring us pain. After Julian really talked to him about how important it was for Alex to stop hurting me both for my sake and for the sake of Julian and Alex's friendship, Alex pulled back. I think we're kind of at a stage now that I can live with.

I'm moving into the house soon. We closed on the house recently, but I have been kind of lazy getting the few things I have into the new place. It just feels so big and impersonal compared to my little apartment. Tibbs and I will feel kind of lost in there until Julian gets here. What else? Work is still going well, although Dana and I are absolutely NOT speaking to each other now. She complained to John, my boss, that I don't do anywhere near as much work as she does because I am constantly on the phone to Julian (my own phone, by the way, when I call him -- work does NOT pay for these calls). So John of course had to look into it, which was humiliating. John was pretty satisfied that I don't abuse my time here, but he asked me to make personal calls in an empty meeting room for the time being. Can you believe that? Dana of course thinks she's won. I hate that stupid bitch.


So that's about it for the meantime. I'm going to try to start blogging again a little since it really does help me get some of the stuff out that bothers me. I want to write about Jen and Jenn, who have been like the sisters I really wanted (not Rachel, who I'm STILL having problems with), but I really need to go to the Americana to go pick up this thing from Anthropologie for a friend's birthday party tonight. Maybe later.

Sorry

I haven't posted in a while, I know. There are a couple of reasons for this, some happy and some I could do without. I think I'll deal with the not-so-happy ones first. I am sick of the really negative and frankly rude comments I get on here. I have been accused of sleeping with my fiance's best friend, being an attention-seeker, being a gold-digger, drinking too much, getting addicted to pills... and the list goes on. And on. And on. And it has started seeping over on to VJ, where I can't even ask a question any more without getting attacked. And when I had an issue with Blogger -- which I have complained about in the past, with comments getting turned OFF and blocked beyond my control -- I got accused of turning anonymous comments back on. I left all your hurtful comments up there so you can see how ridiculous you sound. I won't even comment on the people who were saying borderline-stalker things.

So here is the deal with comments. I know you are all DYING to comment on my blog since you seem to like doing it so much. I am turning comments back ON but I will approve them all. If you are registered, your comment will be approved and I will post it. If you leave a name, I will probably post it. If you do not leave a name, and the comment is not attacking me, I will post it. Those are the rules. I'm not doing this because I'm an attention whore. I actually liked reading people's opinions, and I feel like the current system isn't working.

That's over. Phew. Back to real life. Well, we got our NOA2 last week, and now our case is at the National Visa Center (NVC). It got there on Monday, so I'm really hoping it will get sent to the London Embassy tomorrow or Friday. After it gets to the Embassy, everything really starts happening! Going by timelines, I think Julian should be getting his interview in October. It's a real pain, because I wanted to have an outdoor reception at my parents' house, but I don't think that is going to happen now. Assuming he gets his visa in mid-October, he still wants to wrap a lot of things up before he leaves. Which means that he will probably want to wait until Christmas to come over here, unless I can convince him otherwise. I told him that he should start wrapping things up NOW but he said he wants to wait until he has the visa.

But in the meantime, he has his LND number (his case number at London), which he needed to book his medical. He has one in about 3 weeks time. He also has been getting together all the other things he needs, like his birth certificate and his ACPO police certificate. He is also getting his "jabs" as he calls them updated so he won't need to do them at the medical. One of the VJ ladies (Jill) posted some GREAT info on how to speed up the process a little, and Julian has now downloaded all the forms he needs to send off when the Embassy contacts him to tell him to send his "Packet 3" back. We're all ready, we just need that P3!

Everything is going along well with the house. We're closing next week, but I will probably not move in completely until the end of the month so Rachel and I can start decorating. Rachel has been a little bit of a pain recently about the house. She promised months ago she would help me with the decoration and she seemed so excited. But now she says she doesn't have time for it, that her screenplay needs to be rewritten and she doesn't know how she can possibly be expected to do what is a favor to me when she is so busy. Busy? Ha! I know exactly what she is up to because she is so sloppy. I know for a fact that she is seeing a married man now, and I think he has something to do with her screenplay because I checked out his Facebook profile and he is in the business. It was soooo easy to figure out what was going on. All of a sudden, this older guy appears in her friends list, and she starts commenting on all of his posts, really flattering him. And he leaves cryptic little notes on her photos. It is so gross. If my parents knew, they would FREAK. But I will not say anything for the sake of family unity.

Oh god, and then Rachel was asking me about Alex! She saw a picture of him and Julian and me AGES ago when I emailed her one from Bristol, and she kept saying how hot he was, and did he have a castle or something. God, talk about gold diggers! I told her that Alex's family had a country house, yes, but they lost a lot of their money ages ago, and I bet they would want him to marry a nice rich American girl. Which she wasn't then (she was struggling to finish senior year) and isn't now (bartender). But since she's my friend on FB, and Alex is back on my FB list, she can see his pictures and she sent me an email about him with the subject line "Yum." She asked if it was really true he was going to be the best man, and was he single because she said she would totally do him. I said that that was completely believable, because there was hardly a guy out there she WOULDN'T do. She didn't talk to me for a couple of days after that. And of course I told Alex, who thought it was all really funny. I need to keep an eye on them during the wedding; I don't put it past my sister to try to sleep with him.

Hmmm. What else? Not much at the moment. Jenn and I are trying to see each other more and get over some of our issues. We had dinner the other night over at her place and it was pretty great, and she even managed to seem happier that Julian and I are getting married. Work is going all right; now it's August, all of Europe is on vacation so it's pretty quiet. I spend a lot of time thinking about what to do about my wedding. I made a couple of calls to local venues to see what I might be able to get around Christmas. There was an opening at a venue I really like on the 18th of December; Julian told me to reserve it just in case so I have today. He said to start doing the real planning now, getting back in touch with all the vendors I have already spoken to and put down deposits. I don't like the idea of December 18th though, but the next Saturday is Christmas Day and I don't want that either. Just stuck. But I suppose I will just get used to it.

So that means this weekend I'll be rethinking colors. AGAIN. If it's Christmas, I want something richer in color, maybe plum or dark green, with cream. Blah. But once I do, I have got to get everything going with the florist, and the bakery and everyone else. The invitations have been ready to go for ages and since they're just black engraved on white card I don't have to worry about colors. I just have to commit to a date. I guess I better make up my mind.

Changing things.

Part of me just wants to ignore every one of the words that was written here to hurt me, make fun of me, or belittle me. That's what Julian and some of my kinder readers have said to me here, on VJ and through PMs. But I would have to be a robot not to feel some hurt at what has been said.

Maybe I have chosen to make part of my life public, but I didn't MEAN to make it as public as I have, clearly. I meant for this to be a blog that I used to talk about what I'm going through with the visa. I mean, there are so many people on VJ who link to their blogs, and I never see THEM getting beaten up for what they write! I asked a simple question on VJ about whether I should close down comments because I knew if I asked here, I would just get attacked. Well, I got attacked on VJ as well.

So I have decided to make comments open only to those who register. If you really need to comment, you'll go through the trouble to register. Maybe it will make some people think before posting, and consider that I am a real life human being like you, with feelings and dreams and worries, just like you. If this blog is teaching me anything, it's that the people I have around me are a lot nicer than I had ever really appreciated.

I don't have a lot else to say right now; I miss Julian still so much. It looks like we will be closing on the house in a couple of weeks, and as soon as Julian and I have our names on the title I am giving notice on this apartment. Still waiting on our NOA2. Still at work, still dealing with Dana. Life just seems so much more dull without Julian around, and things I found interesting to talk about just aren't what I'm thinking about.

The only bright spot is that I have a good friend who is coming to visit next week -- totally a surprise! And something to distract me while I wait for my life to start again, whenever it is that God and USCIS let my fiance come home to me at last.

...and he's gone.

I know I haven't been very good with writing recently, but as you probably can guess I have been really busy with the house, and Jocasta, and of course Julian. He was on the 9:20pm flight tonight out of LAX, and I can't say how unbelievably sad I am now. Having him here, even with Jocasta for a big chunk of time, was heaven. And the next time he comes, it will be for good -- I don't forget that.

So, I meant to say a little about what happened when Jocasta had dinner with my parents. GOD. What a disaster! I knew it was going to be difficult. My parents are fairly liberal, and Jocasta is... much more conservative. It all started off when I said to Julian that it would be nice if we had dinner at my parents' house, but then he said he didn't want to impose, especially since his mum has really exacting standards and he didn't want to cause any friction because of this. He said we would be better off going to a restaurant, and a French one if possible. She had wanted to go to the hotel restaurant (which has a Michelin star) but it was closed on Mondays, and that would have been the natural place to go. The only place I could think of was Bistro 45, and THAT was closed too! I didn't know what to do. So I said we could go to Tre Venezie, which I think has a star, maybe. He said it would have to do at this short notice.

Well, Julian and I arrived first for dinner (15 minutes early, as he always is) and my parents were on time. Jocasta was 20 minutes late, which was really embarrassing, but she's his mother and I shouldn't feel too upset about it, I guess. He always forgives her. Jocasta was at least a little friendly to my parents, which I was grateful for. Julian chose a GORGEOUS wine for us (can't remember what) and I tried to help break the ice by saying how grateful I was to have Jocasta here to help choose a house. My mother said, "Well, Melissa, by the sound of it, YOU had a lot more to do with the choice than you give yourself credit for." Jocasta said that she wasn't sure that it was the house she would have chosen (and that the built-in cabinets were "rather common") but it was Julian's decision. My mother said under her breath, "And my daughter's, too."

It really kicked off though during the appetizers. Jocasta had encouraged me to have one, even though I said I shouldn't, because she said the food looked so lovely I shouldn't deny myself one. My mother seemed pleased, since she thinks I'm too thin anyway, but when the appetizers arrived (Jocasta of course didn't have one), she turned to me and said, "Well, you haven't had your first fitting for your dress yet, anyway. I'm sure it's easier at the first fitting to let a dress out." My mother asked her if she was calling me fat. Jocasta said of course not, I was just a healthy American farm girl. "What's the phrase -- corn fed?" My father snickered but my mother just glared and said nothing.

Main courses arrived, and by this point my father and Julian (who actually get along pretty well) were well into the third bottle of wine for the table (I don't blame them). My father asked Jocasta what she thought about the Tories coming back into power. She looked very smug and said, "The people have spoken, and it's clear they support the party with real ideas." My dad shook his wine glass at her and said, "What, steal from the poor and give to the rich? That's the oldest idea in the book." Jocasta said that was ridiculous, and what did my father want, wealth redistribution? And he said, sure, why not? Why not redistribute some of your money? And Jocasta said, "It seems that with your daughter marrying my son you have a perfect incidence of wealth redistribution to the common people." I thought my mother was going to slap her, and my father went beet red and then laughed hysterically. It was so embarrassing. We skipped dessert and we all went home after the main course.

Ummm, what else? Oh, yeah, Jocasta leaving. So we went with her to the airport, even though we didn't have to, because Julian wanted to see her off and he wanted me to as well. So we get to LAX, and she's all ready to go through security. Julian's given her many hugs and kisses, even though they're sure to see each other in Suffolk really soon, and she starts walking away and says to me, "Oh, good-bye, Amanda. Lovely to see you." Amanda. That's Julian's ex's name. She knows what my name is; she has called me Amanda on more than one other occasion just to drive me crazy, I know it. I've mentioned it before to Julian, and he just laughs and says I'm imagining things. But I know I'm not.

AND we got the RFE done. It wasn't very hard -- we just photocopied pages from our passports to prove we were in each other's countries during the past two years, plus Julian brought proof that he had opened a joint account at Child & Co for us while I was living there in 2008. So off it went (express delivery) and I'm sure it will be enough. I think we should be getting our NOA2 soon!

So... the house! I don't have much to do with the sale at this point -- the lawyers really are taking care of everything. Julian gave me power of attorney for the sale and also over a few other affairs, and added me to one of his US accounts and one in the Caymans, so I can handle anything that needs doing. Hopefully everything will be worked out in the next month, and I can give notice and move! It will be weird living in a big house by myself (well, me and Tibbs) but Julian will be with me soon. It was just so AMAZING to have him with me, and to have the weekend to ourselves. It was SO HOT, and Julian said he couldn't stand not having "proper air con" so on Friday we moved over to the Langham too. Soooooo nice. We barely left the room, except for me to go take care of Tibbs, and to go to the spa. It was the perfect end to this visit.

Happy. Very happy.

Lots to catch up on

I'm just going to start off with a very brief statement: if you do not like what I write about or how I write it, no one is forcing you to read this blog. I never intended for you to read it anyway and if you leave I won't miss you. I won't even stoop to address some of the things you wrote about me, and Julian and my mother-in-law to be. That is all I will say about this. I had a therapy session this evening and we talked about this, and Joanna said that if I choose to keep blogging, I need to not let other people's lies to get to me.

So... a lot has happened since I last posted. I want to kind of do this in chronological order, even though obviously the big news is about the house. But if I write it as it happened, then it's easier for me to make sure I don't miss anything. So Monday, we met up with Jocasta at her suite at the Langham. I was really pretty nervous about going, not only because the last time I saw her was during a visit to London in March of 2009, when it still looked like Julian and I were getting married (I mean we still are, but the first time we were engaged). She's always been very cold with me, as I've mentioned before, but Julian says I'm just too sensitive and assume that what are jokes are actually insults. We were at dinner one night, at the family pied a terre, and when I ate my bread with butter, she said something like, "Melissa, how brave of you to eat butter like that, as if it were cheese. Of course you know your metabolism will change when you're 24, so best to break that habit now." I was only 2 months away from my 24th birthday and she knew it!

Anyway, we met up at the Langham, which I had heard about but never been to. My friends always stay on my couch if they're visiting from out of town, or at a Motel 6, or at my parents'. It is absolutely gorgeous -- here it is: http://pasadena.langhamhotels.com/ We had to get there pretty early because we were due to see all the houses in one day, since Jocasta said she needed to leave California by Thursday afternoon (which she has). Jocasta is... pretty much everything my mom isn't. My mom looks like a mom, like you can hug her and tell her your problems, and she'll listen to you. Jocasta is very thin and when I hug her it isn't very comfortable, unlike being in my mom's hug. I always feel like I might break her. But I hardly ever have to hug her anyway; she's much happier with a kiss on the cheek. She and Julian checked through the details of the houses while I poked around the grounds a little since it was a relatively cool morning. Julian called me on my cell and told me to come back, since the realtor was here now, and she was due to show us the houses.

It had been so long since I'd seen them, I'd almost forgotten what they were like. The first one we went to was the four bed I loved the best, with the Aga appliances, and all the original wood. Jocasta inspected every room, while Julian spoke to the realtor about the schools in this area, and crime rates, and things I hadn't even considered to ask. I was just focused on how the place felt. We all went to look at the kind of overgrown backyard, and Jocasta said what a charmingly rustic feel it all had, exactly the sort of project that would keep me busy. It was just the way she said it, maybe, but something about it made me feel trapped, like all I was good for was gardening and wasting time while Julian got to go out and be in the world. Also, I can't garden; we always had gardeners, like everyone else around here. I asked her about the inside, what did she think of the rooms, and weren't they gorgeous? She looked at me and said, "They're rather small. I suppose if they were all children's rooms, that would be one thing. But I know that it will be at least 5 years before you fill all three extra rooms, and you will need room for entertaining." 5 years? To have three children? I can't even think about that. We left after Jocasta grilled the realtor some more about the neighbors, and what sort of people they were like.

Next up was the five bed I also liked. Again, Jocasta spent a lot of time trying door handles and looking in closets and making comments about American wiring. Julian really liked that the studies were already set up, and he loved the master suite. He walked around with me this time, holding my hand and talking about it as if it were already our home, where he would put things, where we sleep, and eat, and live together. He was spinning a whole story for me and I just knew this was the one. I looked him straight in the eye and told him this is where I wanted to be. I didn't even want to look at the third. And if he trusted me and knew me, what I was about, he could see this is where he wanted to be too. I don't think I've ever seen him look at me the way he did then -- it was as if he finally felt connected to me as a wife, as a partner, and not just Melissa. Something about me had broken through him, through his often hard shell. It has happened many times before, that I get beyond the surface, but this time... there was something different. I guess he realized that this was it, the start of a new life, and having a happy wife was something he needed to have.

He called Jocasta and the realtor in and told them that this was it. He wasn't going to see the third. This was the house that made me happy, and my happiness was what was most important to him. Oh, and that he loved it too, that the studies were ideal, and the neighborhood (which is basically the same as the other one, just a little closer to Old Town) was acceptable. I kept my eye on Jocasta, who didn't look happy. At all. Her mouth was very, very tight. She asked the realtor if she would please excuse her and Julian, but they needed to have a private word. Jocasta stalked out of the kitchen, and Julian followed her to I guess one of the studies. I heard the door shut, not slammed, but shut firmly. I couldn't hear their voices but I knew this wasn't good. The realtor told me a bit more about schools, and how much more convenient it was for Old Town, and I told her I loved it and I wanted to be here. She said that she could see that Jocasta was hesitant, but that ultimately it was Julian and my house. I could have hugged her for that.

About ten minutes later, Julian and his mum walked into the kitchen. Julian was smiling, and Jocasta wasn't, which I figured was a good sign. He said that he wanted to make an offer on this house, and that he would need to speak with his lawyers here first, but that later today he would be in touch with a figure. I could hardly breathe! I hugged him, and he just looked down at me with the same look he had before. "Melissa, I am going to make you the happiest wife I can," he said to me. I know he means it. We ran around the house again, looking in the bathrooms and closets and everything. This was it! Our home at last. Jocasta was not happy, but it isn't her money anyway, it's his and will soon be ours.

Oh god, I am so tired and it's 2am and I haven't even gotten to Monday's dinner! I will really try to do all of this tomorrow -- I have the day off to go with Julian to sign some power of attorney thing at the lawyers that will let me act on his behalf while he's back in London. I don't really need the whole day off, but Julian is leaving on Monday and I want to spend a full day just with him. I had to go to work Tuesday, Wednesday and today, so I want to really maximize the time we have together. Luckily not too much happened on those days since they were mostly filled with me going to work, Julian taking care of things with his mother at the lawyers (more than just the house, they are trying to work out some tax structure that I couldn't understand), and then us seeing Jocasta for dinner and then coming back here to just be ourselves. So busy. But tonight we got to go out with Jen again, which was just as great as last time, and we went to 21 Choices. Even Julian likes 21 Choices!

Actually, huh, it looks like I just covered Tuesday through Thursday, so tomorrow I will write about our dinner, because it was not what I had hoped. Oh, and the RFE, which we sent off today! Hooray!

Quick post -- real post tomorrow

I am so tired and I have so much to write about, but the past two days have been incredibly busy. Julian's already passed out in my bed but I just wanted to say that I think we have decided on a house! So excited. Julian's going to see his lawyers tomorrow in Downtown LA -- they'll be handling everything for us.

Dinner was...interesting. I will have to write more about that tomorrow too. I know Jocasta is really trying to be nice to me. I think we have a lot of cultural differences that make it hard for us to understand each other. I know she means well and I know she loves Julian and just wants him to be happy.

Eeek -- I think I woke Julian up with my typing because he just called out from the bedroom for me to get back into bed. Well, that's not exactly what he said...! Oops. Can I just say how glad I am to see him?

Till tomorrow, everyone.

Not what I expected.

Julian is here now (he is asleep in the bedroom right now, so I am trying to be quiet typing). He came yesterday afternoon, and it was just about the most amazing thing to get to see him again, to be held by him again. When he came out of arrivals pushing his bags and looking a little lost and tired, I felt a rush through me, like the first time I realized I was attracted to him. He saw me and smiled, and waved a little, and I thought wow. This is really happening. And this is the last time he will come to America on the Visa Waiver Program. Next stop: K1! He just took me in his arms and held me tight, like he never wanted to let me go, and then took my face in his hands and smiled, then kissed me. He told me I was even more beautiful than he remembered, and how lucky he was to have me. I felt unbelievably light and happy. Like all of this is real.

He asked if we could get a porter for his bags, but I said no, I'd help push if he was tired. He said he had slept on the plane for about four hours, and that that was fairly easy in Business Class. He said First had been sold out when he booked the flight, but that Business was not too bad these days. We got to the Porsche and Julian checked it out a little (he did what he called a "proper" inspection of it today and said that although he was still disappointed I had not bought the Mercedes, that the Porsche was OK "for what it is"), then we loaded up the car and set off on the 110 for Pasadena. I had wanted the top down but Julian said that he didn't feel up to it just yet, and that on the freeway all the fumes might make him sick.

We got back around 5:30pm (I had had to wait for him to get through immigration; the good news was that they didn't even ask him to prove he had ties to the UK, he just had to wait in a really long line), and I ordered in some Chinese food since he loves the honey walnut shrimp from Go China. We just collapsed in a heap on the sofa while we waited, and he lay there with his head in my lap, snoozing a little while I just felt great. When the food came, I opened a bottle of wine (now I'm off the Klonopin I can) and we chatted a little about his flight and what we need to accomplish this week in terms of the house. When we couldn't manage any more food (I had way too much fried rice, I am not going to fit into my wedding dress if I keep eating like this), Julian asked if he could have a nap and I joined him. (lol)

We ended up getting out of bed again at around midnight, and we had a little more wine. We talked about Alex and how important it was for him that we get along again, and I said I was really trying, and Alex was too. I told him that Alex and I now talk about every other day for a few minutes, and that I'm slowly feeling like I can trust him again. J was very pleased to hear that. But I wasn't prepared for what Julian told me next at all. At all.

He kind of worked up to it this way. He said, "Melissa, there's something I need to tell you, and I probably should have told you before I got here. But I was so conscious of your delicate mental state that I felt I couldn't tell you, not when I couldn't be here." Uh oh, I thought. What is he going to tell me -- that he's secretly already married, that he wants me to move to England, what? And then he hit me with it.

"Melissa, I thought it would be useful for both of us to have additional help in our househunting, from someone who has done it more than once before." (OK, I thought, that leaves Alex out of it.) "I felt the best thing to do was to invite my mother to come and help us. She wants to help us get started on the right foot, and I think having her assistance will be extremely valuable."

Oh god. Jocasta. Jocasta? What do you mean, I asked him, your mother is coming? I don't have any space to put her up. I can't believe you didn't tell me! What am I supposed to do? I can't have her here to my apartment. She doesn't even LIKE me, and I told Julian that, but he told me I was just being silly, that his mother loved me like another daughter (not a compliment -- you should see the love she doesn't give to Julian's sister Annabelle) and that I would benefit from her help. And that she was arriving on Sunday night around 7pm, and going straight to the Langham so I wouldn't see her until Monday. Yes, tomorrow morning. I know he is doing this because he really thinks it will help, so I will try to get along with Jocasta for his sake. I don't have to like it.

I went back to sleep after this, and he stayed up and talked to his friend Jamie for a while. He eventually crawled back into bed around 5am. It was just so nice to be held again, and to wake up next to the man I love so much. I got up and tidied up a little, then called my parents to tell them Julian was safe and sound, and that we would be coming over for dinner that night as planned. I also told them about Jocasta and my mom was LIVID! She said, "How could Julian not tell you something as big as that beforehand?" I said it was because he was worried that I would react badly and he wouldn't be there to take care of me. She said she could understand that, but that I wasn't a little girl, and that he needed to treat me like a woman for a change. My dad was upset, but actually said he was looking forward to meeting "the famous Jocasta." I have a bad feeling about that. Their political beliefs are on opposite sides of the spectrum. I am going to have to ask him to behave.

Jen came over around noon (J was in the shower by that point) and the three of us went out to lunch (we had to take Jen's Prius) at Matsuri. Jen and Julian really get along, and we were all so relaxed I almost forgot all about Jocasta. I was just so happy to see Julian being himself, his real self, and seeing how people really can like him. After lunch J and I went back to the apartment and he took me for a ride on the 210 in the Porsche. It was a lot of fun, and we did get to have the top down. I felt just like I imagined it would be, with us just being HAPPY for a change. He complained a little about the sluggish automatic transmission, but he said he knew I couldn't drive stick.

We went to my parents' house for dinner at 7pm. Julian was on his best behavior and so were my parents. My mom really did look happy when she saw him, and he told her she was just as lovely as ever, and they even had a little hug. He shook my dad's hand, and told him how happy he was to be here with his daughter, and how proud he was to be making me his wife. We had a perfectly pleasant light dinner of sea bass and fennel, with apple pie for dessert (my favorite). My dad told some terrible jokes and my mom told us some really quite disgusting stories from work about people with broken limbs and blood everywhere. (Thanks, mom.)

We got back around midnight, after Julian and my dad had some whiskey in the living room. My mom and I talked about Jocasta while I helped clean up. She asked me how I really felt about it, and I said: scared. She told me that she didn't raise any chickens, just two beautiful daughters, and that if I was unhappy with anything Jocasta said to me, I should just say so. Ha! She doesn't know Jocasta, but I guess she will soon.

So tired, and I need to be up to meet Jocasta with Julian at 10am at the Langham, then on to view the properties. Big day, I'll need all the luck I can get.

Julian is almost here!

I know I haven’t posted in a little while – I got a few emails asking if everything is okay. I’m still alive! It’s just been really busy at work, and I’m getting ready for Julian to arrive later. I’ve been cleaning since I got home last night at 6, and I’ll probably be doing that until 2pm, when I need to leave for the airport. Put clean sheets on the bed, fresh towels in the bathroom, cleaned the fridge, vacuumed the whole apartment, dusted, washed out the litter box. I went to Ralphs and stock up on the things I know he likes to eat. I can’t believe the day is finally here! And then on Monday (which I have off because I went in on the 5th) we go and look at the houses so Julian can help decide which one will be our new home. It’s all so fast but so exciting!

So I went to see my new therapist Thursday night. I’ll call her Joanna (nothing like her real name). She’s in Glendale, which is a lot more convenient for me than Beverly Hills. She’s also a LOT cheaper than Dr. N, and she takes my insurance. I liked her right away. She’s about 35, and she dresses REALLY well (her shoes were definitely Jimmy Choos), so it doesn’t feel like I’m having a conversation with someone like my mom. (I have had two therapists like that and it always felt like I was being lectured.) We talked about what I think my problems are – visa, wedding, moving to part-time work, friends, being away from my fiancé, my family – and my feelings that I just can’t cope with it all. I told her about the GAD diagnosis and the Klonopin and the Zoloft. She just listened to me for a while, and then she said she could see that I was under a lot of stress, but that a lot of it seemed to be stress I was making for myself. She said we should try cognitive behavioral therapy, which I have tried before, but it never worked. But I said I was willing to try. She recommended some books for me to read and said she thought I needed to wean myself off the Klonopin. I had been on it a week at that point, and I was down to taking half a pill a day anyway, so my last half was last night. She also said I should look at other techniques for dealing with stress, like yoga and exercise.

I feel so much more together from all the stuff I have been doing recently to make myself better – the diagnosis, the anti-anxiety medication, therapy, and most importantly talking to Julian about how I feel without feeling too guilty. It’s like I’m finally starting to realize that I can be myself in this relationship, and that I don’t have to worry that he’s going to leave me if I do something wrong.  Again and again he forgives me, and does things that are amazing just to make me feel better. He said that he knows I am more delicate than he is, and that he needs to handle me carefully and with love, and that he’ll do what he needs to to protect me. And I know he means it. I know some people don’t understand our relationship – they think he’s bossy, and that I just give in to whatever he says – but we know we love and cherish each other, and ultimately that is the most important thing at stake here. We want to set up our new life here together and be happy, just like everyone else. We want a quiet life together, and I want to be an amazing wife to Julian, and someday mother to his children.

And he will be here in just over three hours! I’d better get in the shower now and get ready. I’m so excited I can hardly stand it!

I can't sleep.

I know I'm not supposed to take a Klonopin this late, so I haven't, but I really feel like I need to. I can't sleep and I don't really feel like I can talk about what is bothering me without breaking a promise I made.

There's nothing more to say now. It's 3:16AM and I'm still here, my brain is still flipping over on itself and I feel like my thoughts are racing. I took the Klonopin so long ago and I'm supposed to be up in 4 hours to got to work. What am I supposed to do? It's been 9 hours since I took a pill, so I guess it isn't SO bad that I'm having a glass of wine to calm down.

I just want to sleep. I want to sleep for a day or two and forget about all of this.

I'm back!

Wow, what a busy few days I have had. I keep trying to find some time to sit down and write something about what's been happening, but it seems like I am always busy or tired or out with friends. There's a thread on VJ right now on how to make the time go faster when you're apart from your loved one, and everyone says that keeping busy is the best way to speed things up. I totally agree!

I can't believe it's been four days since I got so upset at how people were treating me on the blog. It seems like ten years ago! I got so fed up with the lies and the way people were treating me like I was an idiot, and I did something really immature, which was go back and delete the comments because I felt like having them sit there on each post was too painful. Instead of ignoring them I lashed out and that was pretty stupid. I've lost the comments forever, which is kind of sad, I guess. Anyway, I had a lot of really great PMs from people through VJ (I won't share anyone's name) encouraging me to keep posting, that it's MY blog and I can do with it what I want, and not to feel bullied by people. Thank you SO much everyone who got in contact, and there were quite a few of you, so I know that I'm not as alone as I thought. What you had to say to me made me feel strong enough to stand up for myself and keep going. So... THANK YOU!!! You know who you are. I was really amazed that you were all willing to identify yourselves to me via VJ as well and I promise you I will not tell anyone (and I mean ANYONE *wink*) who you are.

So... what have I been up to? Well, number one, my allergies are acting up so I feel terrible, and my eyes are so watery sometimes. Thursday was a bit of a blah day. Dana actually sent me an email telling me I shouldn't be so "blatant" about all the wedding websites I was going on, and that it was really clear that I was spending about half my day looking at The Knot and the other half having "overheated conversations" with Julian on the phone. I can't believe how rude she was! I look at The Knot during lunch when I'm at my desk or when I'm on really boring conference calls or whatever, which is HARDLY half the day. And okay, maybe I do talk to Julian on the phone a lot, but we have so much going on right now with buying a house that of course we have to talk often! I mean, if Julian were living in, like, Santa Monica or whatever we would still need to talk frequently. God. I have tried to be better about looking at wedding websites though.

Which reminds me that I am totally drawing a blank on bridesmaids' dresses. I spent a lot of time looking at really expensive ones, and also at really cheap ones and I still couldn't tell the difference. Jen and Jenn sat down with me on Thursday night and we made an executive decision (seeing as they are maid of honor and bridesmaid) and we decided to do something really simple: we're going to go with something from J. Crew, so they actually have a chance of wearing the dresses after. No clue what style, but since it's .J Crew we can take our time. I emailed Stella and Veronique (who had no clue what J. Crew was, but I sent her a link) about my idea and they both seemed happy with the idea. When we decide what to go with, I will post the picture!

Friday, god. A lot of stuff. First, I think I found two houses that totally ticked all my boxes. And yes, one of them I at first rejected because I HATE the downstairs bathroom! I thought about it again and thought how stupid it is, considering I will be having Rachel help me decorate the place anyway. Following Julian's instructions, I won't be giving too much away about these houses, like where they are and exactly what features they have. (He is getting really paranoid, by the way, about when he comes over since people have been saying horrible things on VJ about him getting beat up. I told him not to be so silly, who would want to beat him up? But he actually asked me at one point if I wasn't sure I wanted to just cancel the K1 and file for a UK fiancée visa. He was so sweet and offered to fly my family and friends (within reason) out to London and we could have the reception wherever I wanted but I said no, we were so far along in the Process now we couldn't give up.)

Sorry. Anyway, yeah. Two houses. One is a four bed with two bathrooms (one I hate), a really great open plan space sort of like a huge living room, and a GORGEOUS kitchen with (I couldn't even believe it) an Aga stove like the one J's parents have in their house, except this one was almost new and in a dark red color. There was also an Aga dishwasher and fridge that matched. It was like a sign. Lots of beautiful original wood throughout and a fireplace. Out back there's a big yard that needs a lot of help but a nice pool and even a little pool cabana. Cute. This is number one on my list and it's in a great area.

Number two was five bedrooms and also in a good area. It's a lot newer than number one, but it's also a LOT larger. The bedrooms were huge, and two of them were already set up as studies with built-in shelves and lots of power outlets. The master bedroom had its own bathroom, and it had Victorian-style fixtures. Loved it. I called Julian right away and told him I had seen two possibles and he said that if I could find a third he would come over to start the process. Wow, I felt like I had to get going! It's been almost three months since we've seen each other and it's been so hard to be apart.

And then on Friday night -- and just in case anyone thinks I haven't told Julian this yet, I have -- I went out with Jen and we met up with Sean and Mack at Backstage Bar for karaoke. I wasn't exactly going to say that when I posted on Friday because I just wanted to post quickly about comments, and I was sure I was going to get a TON if I wrote, "Oh hi, I'm meeting Sean tonight." I felt really bad about how I had left it with Sean, I mean, we have been friends for years and our families are so close, so I guess I think I need to make things more normal. I still think he has a crush on me, but that doesn't mean we can't still be friends IF we always hang out in a group. Which is why I had Jen call Mack and ask him to get Sean to come out on Friday, and explained why we needed to meet up.

Anyway, it was great! Sean wasn't weird or creepy or anything, and we were able to laugh and joke and be normal again. Sean and I sang "Can't Stand Me Now" by the Libertines which was pretty hilarious because he is totally tone deaf! Mack and Jen got smashed, but since I was driving and had only had one beer (also good so I knew things weren't going to go anywhere I couldn't control with Sean)that was fine. I love Mack and Jen together and wish they could just figure out they would be perfect for each other, but I know Jen still has a thing for Sean, and since Mack is like Sean's best friend... I wonder if she thinks it's like cheating on Sean? I don't know. I've never asked her.

Jen ended up spending the night and in the morning, since she felt and looked like hell (I loaned her an ancient nightgown and a scrunchie) I went out to Winchells on Orange Grove and got coffee and donuts. We watched Doctor Who (her choice, not mine) and after we both managed to get dressed she came along to see another house with me. This one is farther out, not even in Pasadena, but the place looked so great I said OK. I don't know, it was huge, with five beds and three and a half baths, and the big living room, big kitchen, big pool and even a separate little guest house out back that his family or friends or whatever could stay in. I didn't feel the "thing" though, but I thought Julian would want to see this one so I thought fine. Here we go, three houses! But by the time I had decided this, it was around 10pm his time, and he was out with Alex so I knew better than to bother him. If he had been out with just James and Charlie (who I knew were going to be there), it would have been another matter because they are both so nice to me and actually think that it's great that Julian is marrying me. Like normal people! (Which they totally are.) But with Alex there who knows anymore what he's going to say that will set Julian off. God, I wish he would just get rid of him.

Saturday night was really chilled out. I was over at Jenn's, and we cooked chicken cacciatore and had a bottle of wine. I got home pretty late and since I had decided after reading a PM from a VJer that I wanted to open anonymous comments again, that's what I did! I felt really positive about this, as I said above, and I think I'm ready to take on the anonymouses again. Today was mellow, and I cleaned the apartment a little and posted once or twice on VJ. I spoke to J when I woke up to tell him I had three houses, and I gave him all the details of the houses and the agent. He was THRILLED at all of them, and he said he would be in touch with his solicitor on Monday to see what needs to be done to get a lawyer over here to handle the sale.

And... Julian is coming to see me! Not sure of the date yet, but he said in about three weeks. Which would be about the 11th or so of July. Can. Not. Wait!!! I checked again with the realtor and she said that there wasn't a lot of movement at our price level so it was unlikely that any of these houses were going to move before Julian could make it over here, and that interest had been pretty low. So hooray! SO much going right at the moment.

The only thing that is really bothering me is that J says I need to fix things with Alex because he wants to have him as his best man at the wedding. I thought I was hallucinating when I heard him say that and had him say it again. Yeah, Julian wants Alex to be his best man. I mean, on one level I totally understand it because Alex IS his best friend after all. But with everything that went between us in the past I can't understand how he can do this to me. Julian said it was all ancient history, and that Alex and I need to grow up, both of us, and put it in the past. That we both owe it to him, since he has behaved so well considering what kind of position we put him in. And I think he's right. I am willing to stop feeling so much confusion about Alex and anger and whatever if he's willing to stop sending me nasty things and calling me up (like I don't know it's him) at 4 in the morning. It has been about a week since he's done anything like that, so maybe he's trying to as well. If he is, then I'd be happy to put all of it away for the sake of Julian and what is HIS big day too, after all. Julian says he has some idea about how to make it better, but he needs to figure it out. Hopefully it will just be like a conference call or whatever, or maybe he'll get Alex hypnotized for the wedding to behave! LOL

Yeah, so hey! I'm back!

Update

I have decided to open comments again, since I've calmed down a lot. If you want to comment, you will need to either have a Google Account. LiveJournal ID or OpenID. (I think.) No more anonymous posting for the time being.

Just about to have dinner with Jen but I will write a real post later tonight. I think I may have just found THE house!

Slow weekend.

Well, it's been a fairly quiet weekend for me, except for yesterday when I was watching the England-USA match with Julian. I mean, we were watching it in our separate apartments 6000 miles apart, but we were talking on Skype while it was going on. Julian is much more of a rugby fan, but he really wanted to see England "show the Yanks how it's done." He predicted that England would win 3-0, so when the US tied with England in the end he was pretty furious. He said that if, oh god, what was that American player's name, Altidore? If Altidore had scored, Julian would have refused to go on with the visa. I kind of laughed at that, and asked if he was kidding. He paused for a moment and said (in a very flat kind of voice), "Yes, Melissa. Of course I'm kidding." Phew!

Actually, it kind of worried me for a moment, because I think that he doesn't see his moving over here to be permanent. I mean, he sees being together with ME as being permanent, just I wonder if he sees being here in America to be permanent. He said this thing on VJ the other day, just kind of as an aside, that maybe we would move back to England someday. This is news to me! He agreed to come over here because he knew how unhappy I had been over there. I was re-reading the beginning of this blog the other day, and I noticed I said the six months I spent over there were fantastic, but they really weren't. I felt lonely and isolated and so far away from everyone I knew and loved. I really like some of the food over there -- I must have, I put on ten pounds from all the custard creams I ate -- and the clothes are SO much better than here, but I just couldn't connect with people. Especially the women. I don't know, they just always seemed to be so cold to me. I had issues with Minty even before I had to move out of our flat. Jocasta has always been rude to me, and clearly doesn't think I'm a suitable wife for Julian. Oh god, don't even get me started on Amanda, Julian's ex.... I think he wanted us to be friends, and I really tried to be nice to her every time we were both at a party together, but she just ignored me. Acted like I wasn't even there unless Julian was standing there too, in which case she was "ever so nice", commenting on how lovely my dress was, or asking if I liked living in Bristol (or in London, when we were living there in 2008). Then he'd walk away to get us drinks, and she would immediately turn her back on me to look at her phone, or just stare at me really intently. Then Julian would come back and act all pleased that we were getting along so well.

Every time I tried to tell Julian that I didn't think Amanda liked me very much, he would say I was being ridiculous, that she was obviously very fond of me and that it meant SO much to him that we were friends. So I really do try to be nice to her when I'm over there, but since I don't plan on being over there any time soon (I might try to go over when he has his interview, if we ever get our NOA2!) it's not really an issue. I don't know what it is in particular that Amanda doesn't like about me. I mean, she's about as attractive as me so it's probably not jealousy over how I look. She and Julian had been broken up for almost six months when I met him, so it's not like I "stole" him away from her. I will keep trying with her though for Julian's sake. I know he sees her occasionally because they both live in London. I once asked Julian why Alex didn't go out with her, since she really seems his type. Julian explained that Amanda and Alex did try to go out for a while but found they just couldn't commit to each other, so they "date" occasionally. "When the mood strikes them, or one of them," Julian explained. As I said about Rachel, I just don't understand these people who can't commit to one person and see multiple people at one time! It just seems so cheap. When I think about how deep my love is for Julian because we are committed to each other alone, and how that love makes me a better person (I hope) I just don't understand why other people don't want the same thing for themselves.

I did see a couple of other houses this weekend, one was a five bed which was GORGEOUS but when I showed Julian where it was on the map he said it was hardly going to be a move up the ladder from where I live now, so that's off the list. The second was an itty-bitty three bed Craftsman, perfect Pasadena, all the details original and perfectly (and it looked very expensively) restored. Julian was not so excited by this idea, even when I told him a little bit about the Arts and Crafts movement in Pasadena, and what an important part of our cultural heritage it is. He told me he knew perfectly well what the Arts and Crafts movement was, and hadn't we spent a good bit of time in Liberty looking at period furniture and discussing the origins of the movement? I kind of remember this; I was actually really itching to get to the women's clothing department. Anyway, I told him that I thought it would be amazing to get an old house like this, and he said, "Old? It was built in 1910. My parents' house in Suffolk was 200 years old when that shack was put up." But I did get him to say that having a showpiece of a home -- something really unusual -- might not be a bad idea as long as there was at least one more bedroom.

So that's about it for today from Planet Melissa (what Julian calls it sometimes when I ramble on a little too much). Time for a glass of wine and a wander through the channels. Sigh. I hope our NOA2 comes soon, because I can't wait to have my sweet love with me here.

Work and VJ -- two big pains.

What a horrible, horrible day. I got to leave the office around 5 even though I wasn't really done, because I just couldn't take the atmosphere in there anymore, and because I had two viewings scheduled for this evening (I had two yesterday night but neither was really what I was looking for). It's annual assessment time right now, and it's almost my turn (I'm scheduled for Tuesday) but in the meantime I get to see all my co-workers go through this. I'm lucky to have a champion in my boss John, but many of my colleagues don't have that kind of support. If I do well this year (it's my first real one -- when it was assessment time last year I had only been there for 4 months so I got what John called a "mid-term grade") it will be because of him, I know it. I saw Dana, who Julian calls my nemesis, come out of one of the conference rooms with red eyes and a kleenex in her hand. I watched her as discreetly as I could over the half-divider that separates our cubicles. She wasn't packing any of her stuff so I guess she's safe, but whatever was said to her couldn't have been good. I saw a couple of other people around my level come out of the conference rooms with similar expressions. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous. I have the weekend and Monday to think about my performance. John said I shouldn't be too worried, and that my dedication and hard work have been remarked upon, especially all the late night webinars and early morning teleconferences I have volunteered for.

I spoke with John about my plan to go part time instead of quitting. He sounded really enthusiastic about this and said he would speak to our COO about this, but that it was certainly something he could get behind. I told him I wanted to be responsible only for the Dutch account and that I could easily fill 20 hours a week with that. John said that this will only be for the best for my assessment. I really think I can do this right -- working part time and helping Julian, well, full time get adjusted to living in California.

Hmm. I am not really sure how to talk about this, or if I want to talk about it, because certain people think that I am sharing too much on this blog. I mean, it's MY blog and if my fiancé doesn't have an issue with what I am saying, why should anyone else care? Isn't a blog supposed to be a safe place for people to talk about their experiences? Should I only talk about things like what I ate for dinner (tonight it was a chopped salad and a Diet Coke) or how my workout at the gym was tonight (really good) or the houses I saw tonight (I will write about that more)? I feel like if people are offended by what I write they shouldn't read. And it's not like I am writing anything about the people on VJ who are making comments about me! So frustrated.

Anyway, okay, here it is. Julian got into a really embarrassing series of posts on VJ about our upcoming honeymoon. I had thought we could go to St. Barts, but it turns out we can only go to somewhere in the US until Julian has his greencard. Wow, simple question and simple answer, right? Julian was not really happy about this, because he LOVES St. Barts and wanted to show me the place and share it with me. He isn't keen about going to Hawaii or Puerto Rico because he wanted something really intimate, really discreet, and he had somewhere in mind in St. Barts. But then Julian went on and was really, really blunt and probably went a little overboard in his criticisms of the USA.

Everyone was attacking him, and someone even said he was emotionally abusing me! Unbelievable. I mean, like I would stay with someone who was abusing me! Emotional abuse is no joke, I have a cousin who went through it. Her boyfriend never let her leave the house or see the rest of the family. He made her life hell. He made her quit everything that made her happy. One day she finally broke free and she is much, much better off. But Julian DOESN'T do any of that. He agreed that I could keep working. He said it was good that I was talking to Jen and Jenn again. He loves my parents and we are moving to within 15 miles of them so I can stay close instead of me moving there, where I wasn't really very happy but where he has a terrific life that he will miss very, very much. He doesn't object to me keeping this blog. He always tells me how beautiful and sweet and lovely I am. He is just a little old-fashioned and has very strong views about things that he expresses because he feels he has to tell people when they are being stupid. He can't stand stupidity.

I tried to get him to stop -- we were chatting on Skype as it was going on online -- but he kept saying that these people will never learn, so why not have a little fun with them? He was teasing them all, saying outrageous things that are actually slightly more extreme versions of what he feels. I told him to stop since people obviously didn't get it was a joke. And what people had to say back to him... wow. So many insults. Maven taught me a VJ saying and I will say it tonight: VJ, sheesh.

Anyway, I had already cleared my early leaving with John, and I went out to look at a couple of houses. One of them might be the sort of thing I'm looking for. It has four bedrooms and 2 1/2 baths, a living room, drawing room, big kitchen... Gorgeous backyard with tons of beautiful flowering shrubs and mature trees... And the doors of the kitchen open up to the garden and it almost flows from inside to outside. It feels a little like home. I sent Julian the details but he was asleep when I sent them so I don't know what he will think. It's the first one I have seen that I have felt this way about. I know it's early but maybe!

Compromising

I'm sure you saw all the comments yesterday on my blog. 20 comments... I would be flattered if some of them weren't so hurtful. I won't even bother to touch the one that claimed I was Julian's "beard" and that Alex was his lover, which is so ridiculous considering that I have had sex with both of them and I know they are both straight. There isn't ANYTHING sexual in their friendship AT ALL.

And as for Alex's attacks on me, they aren't really even worth replying to or explaining, beyond saying that Alex is convinced that I am only marrying Julian for his money and that that is the big secret that will come out. He's already told Julian a million times, so it's not like there's anything earth-shattering about it. Maybe that will explain to people why it seems like Alex has this big secret he hasn't told J -- he has! He just doesn't care and doesn't think it's true. It'd be funny if it wasn't so annoying.

Getting on to more important matters, I spoke to Julian about my ideas, my new ideas to keep working and maybe delay having a baby. He was a little surprised at first, and a little hurt to think that I hadn't told him what I really wanted to do with my life. He said he thought we had agreed a long time ago, in fact when we got engaged the first time, that I would quit work after the wedding and help him get settled and then support him in his work once his EAD (work authorization) card came through. He said this was a bigger job than I might have thought, and that his mother had always been perfectly happy in her role as his father's spouse. I said I was really happy to be his wife and support him like that, but I wanted to keep working because I needed it to be my own self, and if I wasn't my own self, then eventually I wouldn't be the woman he was marrying!

He paused for a second and then started laughing, which I was pretty insulted by. How dare he? I was spilling out my soul to him and he was laughing? He said, "Oh Liss, you have such a charming turn of phrase sometimes. Of course I want you to stay you." He asked me what exactly it was that I planned to do. I said I wanted to take some time off around the wedding, maybe a day or two before the wedding, and then two weeks off for our honeymoon in St Barts. Then I wanted to return to work like normal, and keep working there until I have a child. Basically, I want my life to be like it is now but with him here. We can get a maid to come clean twice weekly and I can cook as often as I can during the week.

Also, I don't want to have a baby right away. I'm not ready for it emotionally and I feel like we need to spend more time as a couple together before bringing a third person into this relationship. There are a lot of things I want to do with him before I have a child. I said I really do want to have a baby, maybe in a couple of years, but not right away. I said I knew this totally went against everything we agreed on back in late 2008 when we got engaged, but I was only 23 then and didn't realise how much I liked working since I hadn't even started at my job yet. I could tell he was angry at this point and no longer amused by what I had to say, because he was very quiet. He always gets really quiet when he's upset with me. I think he realized I was serious. So I asked him what he thought of my plan.

J: Melissa, when you agreed to marry me you also agreed to several conditions, didn't you?

M: Yes, Julian. But things have changed! I have changed!

J: But I haven't. Isn't it enough that I have gone along with your ridiculous requests -- to move to the States, to have the reception at your parents' house instead of the Huntington --

M: But that's always been my dream!

J: Your dream, Melissa, not mine. And as for your refusal to sign a pre-nup... My solicitors and my parents think I'm insane to marry you without one. But we won't have one as a sign of my commitment to you. Where is your commitment to me? I make a few small requests and you consent to them and then you turn around and say you don't "feel like it" anymore? Is that what you'll say to me five years from now about our marriage, that you don't "feel like it" anymore? Marriage is a commitment, Melissa.

M: And I'm ready to make it! I just want to be the best wife I could ever be for you. And I don't think I can do that if I'm not working.

J: My mother is perfectly happy not working. She raised Annabel and I, which was a big task in itself. She keeps the houses running and she helps my father in whatever way she can.

M: But she's old! I mean, from a different generation. And she never worked, not even before she married your dad. And she's not American! Maybe we do things differently, I don't know.

J: Melissa, this has nothing to do with my mother. This has everything to do with what you want to do. I will listen to you, so make it clear to me what you want.

M: I want to keep working and I don't want a child right away.

He didn't answer right away, which made me nervous. He told me he needed to take care of a call, and he would call me back within the hour, which I spent nervously waiting for him to call back. When he did, he had a proposition for me: how would I feel about working part-time? I couldn't believe it -- he was actually meeting me halfway! A real compromise! I feel so much like my new attitude about being assertive and acting like an adult is finally paying off.

I told him I would speak to John about this. I think he will probably be pretty happy to do that, because he already knew he was going to lose me later this year and he wasn't really that okay with me leaving because of how things are going with the Dutch client. But I'm thinking I will say something like (and Julian and I have come up with this plan) what if I just handle the one account with Marijke and the Dutch and nothing else? It takes up half my time anyway.

And as for the baby, he said we will see what life brings us. We don't need to start straight away, but if we're lucky enough to be blessed early on, we should realize it for the gift that a baby will be. I looked at that house yesterday -- yuck. Big enough, but the swimming pool was like a hole in the ground. But I really liked the realtor and she is setting up two nice 4 beds for me to look at tomorrow afternoon. Can't wait!

Missed connections

Well, I got to talk to Julian a little on his way home from Alex's, before the reception cut out somewhere near Coventry. Not as much as I would have liked but Alex was in the car with him and kept telling him to "put the phone down on that stupid bint." Which just distracted J from talking to me, because he then would have to tell Alex to shut up, and then Alex would say something even worse. But somehow I managed to tell him I loved him, and he posted on VJ from his iphone too, just to show me he's there for me. He also texted me from just outside London, where they'd stopped for a pick me up, to tell me he missed me and missed having me near him, and how he can't wait to see me this summer.

I have been looking at a few houses online but Julian asked me not to post any links or anything about the addresses because you never know who's out there. He said I already say way too much about my private life here and this would be a step too far, so I will respect that. I am trying so much harder to listen to what is obviously good advice, and I think he is probably right. I mean, Maven wouldn't even have a drink with me in the Blue Room after I said we were going there, so showing where I'm going to live is probably even worse. But I made an appointment to see one tomorrow, which is so beautiful and amazing, with six bedrooms, which is way more than we need, but looks perfect. I doubt this is going to be The One, but it is at least a step in the right direction. The sooner I find something that looks good the sooner Julian will be here, which is a real incentive to get things done.

But I still haven't had the chance to talk to him about my feelings about work and the baby, which is really frustrating. By the time he got back to his flat it was very late his time, but I was still at work. I will try to call later but I am so tired I figure I probably won't make it to 1am, and we really need to find the time to talk about these issues. I feel angry with myself for not being more clear before with him about how I feel about everything.

I also emailed Sean and told him I was really sorry for leading him on but I still didn't think I was able to see him without other people around. He wrote back what is pretty much the only angry email I have ever had from him. He said that he was sick of Julian running my life for me. That he was so happy to think the other day that our life would be back to normal after MONTHS of problems, problems that all came from Julian. How much happier I would be if I could just see that that son of a bitch was trying to control me, and that I deserved someone much more normal than that, maybe not some "asshole English twit" but a regular guy. It was like I could finally see after all these months: Sean does not want me to be happy with Julian or even BE with Julian. He wants to be with me.

I was pretty shocked, and I had the kind of feeling of shame that starts in your belly and rushes up your arms and knots in your neck. I had done all sorts of things to make Sean believe that maybe I might want him and not Julian. I felt so bad for making him think that because he is such a good and decent guy. And it's not like I hadn't done it before, I think, because when I was seeing Noah, Sean was still very much in my life. In fact when Noah had to move to Seattle he told me to look out for Sean. Noah and I were pretty much breaking up at that point -- if you can call it a break up after four months of dating. It was more like a long summer fling that had to end, even though I did drive all the way up there a week after he left because I missed him so much. Anyway, yeah, he thought the same thing.

So I have decided that Sean can't be around me unless we are part of a larger group and until he can tell me that he has no more feelings for me than as a friend. I wrote him back a very short message that basically said this, and also that I was sorry if I ever led him to believe I loved him as anything more than a friend. I still haven't heard back from him but you know what? I don't really care.

Work IS a four-letter word.

Ugh. I have been at my desk now for over five hours and I am so overwhelmed with the amount of stuff I STILL have to do for the Dutch client. It's like it never stops! I think I mentioned a while back that somehow Marijke, the woman who I deal with a lot over there, somehow thinks I'm the only person who can do the work that needs to be done on this account, and she has convinced John, my boss that this is the case. John sees it as being really flattering to someone as junior as I am (I've only been in this job for a year and a half) but I see it as being really distracting from all the other accounts I have to work on with other team members.

Speaking of which, ugh. I am a little wary of typing this because she is about 6 feet away from me (but over the side of my cubicle wall so she can't see me actually typing) but Dana is just about the most annoying person I have ever had to work with. First of all, she is always complaining about how loud I type. I do NOT type loud. What does that even mean, type loud? She also brings her own lunch in, every single day, and it always smells strongly of garlic. No wonder she is still single -- all that garlic! Hummus, eggplant stuff, stuffed shells... Sure, maybe once in a while, but every day? Even having to smell egg salad would be an improvement. And she never comes out with us when Mary and I invite her to have sushi or go for a walk and a look around the stores. Ever. She said there was nothing for her in Forever 21 anyway, and I said, ummmm, that's not where we're shopping.

And there is this thing that is totally annoying me right now at work, and what's worse is I don't even know who's doing it! In our staff kitchen, we have a microwave, a fridge and a dishwasher. We're all supposed to clean up after ourselves and put our dishes right in the dishwasher after we use them, but people forget. I'm usually really good at it myself, but some people are lazy. Anyway, I often end up putting other people's plates and cups in there, and although I think I'm okay at doing this, someone else thinks they have a much better system of doing this, where everything is pointed in the "right direction" and grouped by type. Well, this someone has posted a notice about this and said that whoever (I guess me) is doing this improperly just needs to stop putting the dishes in if they can't get it right.

And while I'm at it, whoever has an issue with my dishwasher loading has also posted a notice on the cupboards to stop stacking the mugs "improperly" in there. I didn't even know there was a "proper" way of stacking mugs. This is what the note said:

"Whoever is the moron who keeps stacking the mugs DIRECTLY on top of one another (very unstable) instead of across needs to STOP doing this. For the third time this week, some have fallen out of the cupboard and broken. This is a waste of money and could get you or someone else injured. If you don't know how to stack the mugs, STOP TRYING TO HELP."

God, some people. It's only mugs! And only once has one fallen out on me, and it missed me. And yeah, it was in red letters, just like that.

I ran into Maven last night, which was nice but kind of weird. I suppose we might have crossed paths before and not realized it, after all. I mentioned this to Maven, and she said she had grown up in a city that was about the same size as Pasadena, and was always bumping into people there just after she had first met them -- they had probably been in the same places all along but never knew it. We were at Barnes and Noble -- she was waiting for her friend and I was wasting time before my hair appointment drinking a Frappuccino in the Starbucks.

So... I got my hair done! Finally. I think I love it -- it's very different from before. I used to be a dark strawberry blonde, and now it's kind of a medium-ish brown, with red and honey highlights woven in, very warm. I didn't get much taken off the length though. I think it looks fantastic, and a real difference to what I had before. I was really sick of my natural color. A real change.

Still haven't had time to look at any houses -- Julian is getting increasingly worried that I won't actually get around to this, and he has said to me that if he arrives here on his K1 and we do not have a family home that I have already moved into, he will be staying at The Langham Huntington until all is in order because he will not be living in my apartment again. If I wish to put my things and his into storage, I may move in with him. Actually, the idea of living in a hotel for a while is SO tempting! He said my place was fine for 88 days, but not for a lifetime; how I lived in a one-bed with no central air and an exposed cat litterbox was beyond him; and that time was wasting. I guess I'd better get on to it then.

Oh, and seeing Jen at the weekend! Almost forgot about it. She and I are going down to Venice to see Caitlin and have a barbecue. I asked Maven last night if she wanted to come, but she said that it would be kind of weird to meet these people having read so much about them, but with them not knowing she had read about them at all. (Did that make sense?) Also, she is going to Canada tomorrow morning for two weeks. She told me she was seeing Julez from VJ there. I didn't say anything, but I'm not crazy about that. Julez has been really rude to Julian on VJ, and I worry that maybe she will bad mouth him to Maven. Also, it's been so nice to have someone nearby I can talk to about all this VJ stuff who understands. I got so upset the other day I decided to take a break and I haven't been on there since yesterday morning. I think I just need for things to calm down a bit and then I can go back.

Wow, 2pm here and I still haven't eaten lunch. I guess I'll do that now.

The big surprise!

What a busy weekend this has been for me! I have today off, and I am spending some time just lazing around the apartment and going online to look at wedding things and… okay, I found out what Julian’s big surprise was! So so so so so excited. He wants me to start looking for a house for us right now. Although I told him my idea about renting a place until we could choose together, he said he would rather have a house, our house ready for him by the time he arrives. So what I have to do is start looking online, and any house I like the look of I send on to him so he can get an idea of what is out there. And… once we find one we like, or even better a few we like, he is coming out here to complete the purchase. My own house! I could be out of my little apartment in only a couple of months, I can’t even believe it.

Julian said once the sale is complete, I can start decorating it too. I guess I’ll have to ask Rachel to help me, since I’m the only one of the two of us who has an actual job, and I don’t know how I can plan a wedding and decorate a house while still going to work. I keep wondering if I wouldn’t be better off quitting my job sooner rather than later, since there is going to be so much work just doing the other stuff. But since Rachel spends her days at Starbucks working on her “screenplay” and since she has a pretty good sense of style (I have almost none, I mean, I can appreciate what other people do and I like it when it’s done well but I can’t figure out throw pillows or things like that) I think she would be a good choice. Also, I feel bad that I didn’t ask her to be in my wedding party, but I felt (and I am going to sound so petty) that even if I put her in the ugliest bridesmaid dress ever, she would still look more amazing than me. And choosing an ugly bridesmaid dress just to irritate my sister would be really unfair to the other bridesmaids.

And really that is what my life has ALWAYS been like – coming in second to Rachel. Not only did she always get to do almost everything first because she’s 2 years older than me, she just always looked better doing it. I know I’ve got a pretty face and a nice enough body, but compared to her, pffffft. She used to tease me when I was 14 and she was 16 because my chest hadn’t grown yet, and of course she got the gift of natural double Ds and at that point I was still just an A. I mean, they DID grow that year, and I’m happy enough with them, but it’s just not fair that Rachel is SO much prettier than me. I know I sound like I’m 16 when I say that, but I still feel it.

I’m also a total klutz and am always knocking things over and Rachel might have had a career in ballet when she was younger had she not gotten so tall and developed. Julian is always telling me to be careful around breakable things because I am always falling into things and upsetting tables and bumping my head on things. My legs always have little cuts and scratches on them where I catch myself on something. It’s kind of embarrassing.  God, what else? Well, she can drive stick shift, which is pretty cool and I have always wanted to do but as Julian says, I have a hard enough time riding a bicycle in a straight line. It will probably never happen for me.

But there are a lot of things that I like better about me than her. First of all, she is kind of promiscuous. Unlike me, she has a hard time committing to one guy and she seems not to see any problem with sleeping with one guy while she is sleeping with another. She doesn’t seem to have any one boyfriend at all, but several guys she just calls up when she’s bored. I’ve been with Julian for over three years, even if we did have a couple of breaks along the way. With the exception of Alex and Noah, the guy who moved to Seattle who I dated for a while last year when J and I were on a break, I have only been with Julian since October 2006. And even then, it wasn’t like I was having sex with Noah and then calling up his best friend to set up a date. I didn’t even LIKE Seth, Noah’s best friend and his bandmate. Because Rachel is “seeing” two guys who are friends at the same time! Yuck. I mean, I told her that this was kind of gross, but then she tried to throw it back in my face, and said I had done exactly the same thing with J and Alex, which is totally untrue. I wasn’t seeing them at the same time, god.

And also, as I think I mentioned before, the one thing I was always better at than her was school. Not that she ever showed that she was jealous of my success. I was a National Merit Scholarship semi-finalist and she just said, “Am I wrong, or a semi-finalist isn’t as good as a winner, right?” She managed to go to college – just – and as far as I’m concerned it was a HUGE waste of my parents’ money. She nearly flunked out every term, and it took her an extra year to graduate. At least I had enough class not to tease her about that.

And then there’s this other thing.  I suppose it’s really stupid but it just bothers me. We have the same waxer at this salon we both go to, Sveta or something. She’s really, really good, but she is chatty, and sometimes brutal (I mean in terms of what she says, not the waxing). The last time I was there, she told me that I was waiting too long between waxes, not like Rachel, who is there at the first sign of a hair. I can’t even get waxing right compared to Rachel. And then Sveta asked me why I didn’t get a full Brazilian like Rachel; ewwww. First off, I don’t need to know what my sister is getting done down there, and second, I just don’t think it’s very ladylike to have that done to you. Maybe I’m a bit old-fashioned like that, but just no.

God, this post was supposed to be about my househunting, but I seem to have wandered away from that. Which is actually okay because I haven’t really started yet – I need to find a zip code map somewhere so I can narrow down the search.  I want at least three bedrooms, central air, some backyard, and a garage. I’m focusing on Pasadena, but I might look a little bit further out too. I mean, the real reason I’m here is because Jen and Jenn moved here, and I wanted to be near them. Now that I’m getting married, and Jenn isn’t even speaking to me, it doesn’t seem like such a big deal. I mean, I love Pasadena and I am so attached to it, but if I can’t find something that Julian likes here then that’s okay. I mean, he’s the one who is giving up SO much to come to live with me. I love England, but I can’t live there. I have done two winters there (or 1 and a half) and I just can’t do it. Plus I just miss my friends so much when I’m there, and English women seem so cold. I couldn’t make any female friends when I was there. The men were fine, though.

So househunting! I’ll see if I can post links to houses as I find them. SO excited I can barely believe it! AND I get to see Julian! I can’t wait!