The big surprise!

What a busy weekend this has been for me! I have today off, and I am spending some time just lazing around the apartment and going online to look at wedding things and… okay, I found out what Julian’s big surprise was! So so so so so excited. He wants me to start looking for a house for us right now. Although I told him my idea about renting a place until we could choose together, he said he would rather have a house, our house ready for him by the time he arrives. So what I have to do is start looking online, and any house I like the look of I send on to him so he can get an idea of what is out there. And… once we find one we like, or even better a few we like, he is coming out here to complete the purchase. My own house! I could be out of my little apartment in only a couple of months, I can’t even believe it.

Julian said once the sale is complete, I can start decorating it too. I guess I’ll have to ask Rachel to help me, since I’m the only one of the two of us who has an actual job, and I don’t know how I can plan a wedding and decorate a house while still going to work. I keep wondering if I wouldn’t be better off quitting my job sooner rather than later, since there is going to be so much work just doing the other stuff. But since Rachel spends her days at Starbucks working on her “screenplay” and since she has a pretty good sense of style (I have almost none, I mean, I can appreciate what other people do and I like it when it’s done well but I can’t figure out throw pillows or things like that) I think she would be a good choice. Also, I feel bad that I didn’t ask her to be in my wedding party, but I felt (and I am going to sound so petty) that even if I put her in the ugliest bridesmaid dress ever, she would still look more amazing than me. And choosing an ugly bridesmaid dress just to irritate my sister would be really unfair to the other bridesmaids.

And really that is what my life has ALWAYS been like – coming in second to Rachel. Not only did she always get to do almost everything first because she’s 2 years older than me, she just always looked better doing it. I know I’ve got a pretty face and a nice enough body, but compared to her, pffffft. She used to tease me when I was 14 and she was 16 because my chest hadn’t grown yet, and of course she got the gift of natural double Ds and at that point I was still just an A. I mean, they DID grow that year, and I’m happy enough with them, but it’s just not fair that Rachel is SO much prettier than me. I know I sound like I’m 16 when I say that, but I still feel it.

I’m also a total klutz and am always knocking things over and Rachel might have had a career in ballet when she was younger had she not gotten so tall and developed. Julian is always telling me to be careful around breakable things because I am always falling into things and upsetting tables and bumping my head on things. My legs always have little cuts and scratches on them where I catch myself on something. It’s kind of embarrassing.  God, what else? Well, she can drive stick shift, which is pretty cool and I have always wanted to do but as Julian says, I have a hard enough time riding a bicycle in a straight line. It will probably never happen for me.

But there are a lot of things that I like better about me than her. First of all, she is kind of promiscuous. Unlike me, she has a hard time committing to one guy and she seems not to see any problem with sleeping with one guy while she is sleeping with another. She doesn’t seem to have any one boyfriend at all, but several guys she just calls up when she’s bored. I’ve been with Julian for over three years, even if we did have a couple of breaks along the way. With the exception of Alex and Noah, the guy who moved to Seattle who I dated for a while last year when J and I were on a break, I have only been with Julian since October 2006. And even then, it wasn’t like I was having sex with Noah and then calling up his best friend to set up a date. I didn’t even LIKE Seth, Noah’s best friend and his bandmate. Because Rachel is “seeing” two guys who are friends at the same time! Yuck. I mean, I told her that this was kind of gross, but then she tried to throw it back in my face, and said I had done exactly the same thing with J and Alex, which is totally untrue. I wasn’t seeing them at the same time, god.

And also, as I think I mentioned before, the one thing I was always better at than her was school. Not that she ever showed that she was jealous of my success. I was a National Merit Scholarship semi-finalist and she just said, “Am I wrong, or a semi-finalist isn’t as good as a winner, right?” She managed to go to college – just – and as far as I’m concerned it was a HUGE waste of my parents’ money. She nearly flunked out every term, and it took her an extra year to graduate. At least I had enough class not to tease her about that.

And then there’s this other thing.  I suppose it’s really stupid but it just bothers me. We have the same waxer at this salon we both go to, Sveta or something. She’s really, really good, but she is chatty, and sometimes brutal (I mean in terms of what she says, not the waxing). The last time I was there, she told me that I was waiting too long between waxes, not like Rachel, who is there at the first sign of a hair. I can’t even get waxing right compared to Rachel. And then Sveta asked me why I didn’t get a full Brazilian like Rachel; ewwww. First off, I don’t need to know what my sister is getting done down there, and second, I just don’t think it’s very ladylike to have that done to you. Maybe I’m a bit old-fashioned like that, but just no.

God, this post was supposed to be about my househunting, but I seem to have wandered away from that. Which is actually okay because I haven’t really started yet – I need to find a zip code map somewhere so I can narrow down the search.  I want at least three bedrooms, central air, some backyard, and a garage. I’m focusing on Pasadena, but I might look a little bit further out too. I mean, the real reason I’m here is because Jen and Jenn moved here, and I wanted to be near them. Now that I’m getting married, and Jenn isn’t even speaking to me, it doesn’t seem like such a big deal. I mean, I love Pasadena and I am so attached to it, but if I can’t find something that Julian likes here then that’s okay. I mean, he’s the one who is giving up SO much to come to live with me. I love England, but I can’t live there. I have done two winters there (or 1 and a half) and I just can’t do it. Plus I just miss my friends so much when I’m there, and English women seem so cold. I couldn’t make any female friends when I was there. The men were fine, though.

So househunting! I’ll see if I can post links to houses as I find them. SO excited I can barely believe it! AND I get to see Julian! I can’t wait!

Today, tonight

Today was exhausting on VJ. I felt attacked on all sides, with only a few people there (like Maven) to back me up. People were even saying Julian was gay, which was the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I didn't want to get into my sex life, but I can say that without a shadow of a doubt that J is most certainly NOT gay, unless he really likes to have sex with girls. I've ever had a complaint about sex with him, and I will leave it at that!

Jen is over right now, and I'm doing a quick post while she is running out for more wine. Yes, Jen! Even if Jenn isn't speaking to me, Jen called me today to say she missed me and wanted to come over for some chat and wine and tacos. She brought them from La Estrella, which has to be my most favorite place in Pasadena for tacos, even if it is a little scary to wait for them there (the homeless guy who begs is nice enough, but it makes me nervous to be around him). We had fish tacos and now I am sooooo full. I wish Julian didn't hate Mexican food because I love it. Who can be sad when there is Mexican food?

So I told Jen a little about what had happened with the picture, and she was really shocked, and asked to see the picture. I told her I destroyed it (which isn't true) so I couldn't show her. Really, like I would show anyone! I think Maven wanted to see it too but she at least had the class not to ask.It is private. I have decided that I understand it was a joke and I am leaving it at that.

Maven called me and told me that I need to stand up to J more, which would be fine if I felt I had something to complain about! But I really don't. Julian is still his sweet self. He said he had a surprise for me -- I asked (with a laugh) if it was more jewelry but he said no, it was something MUCH better. I can't imagine what it could be! He said I will be really surprised, and that he will tell me a little more about it in the next couple of days. I can't wait.

That was Jen, I just let her in. Time for more wine and she wants to watch something on Netflix. So much better tonight than today, especially with Jen back here. I missed her.

Some new ideas, some old ones too,

What a miserable day it was here today. I had to be at work by 7am to be on a conference call with London, which meant I had to be in the office at 6:30, which meant I needed to leave the house at 5:45, which meant my alarm was set for 4:30. And because I couldn't get to sleep last night until almost 3am, it meant that I am operating on a little over an hour and a half of sleep. It was such an early start that I actually woke Tibbs up for a change, and not the other way around.

It did mean though that I could call Julian earlier in the day and we talked while I was on my way to work. He's often not so crazy about me talking while driving, but I do use a Bluetooth headset now so I'm at least not going to get a ticket! My friend Alicia got ticketed the other month for talking without a headset, but then she was pretty stupid about it -- she has a convertible and the top was down, and she pulled up next to a police car right outside the Wiltern! Whenever I think I'm an idiot about something, I remember Alicia's ticket. Anyway, we had a chance to catch up after having a kind of a weird day yesterday. I'm sure some of the people reading this will know what I'm talking about, but Julian got in several disagreements with people on Visa Journey, and he ended up pissing a lot of people off, including some of the people who have been on there a very long time.

So I talked to him for a while this morning about what he felt about it all, and whether he would go back on VJ anytime soon. He said that on one level he was happy to leave me to all the immigration process, as long as I made sure to double-check on the advice I was getting and run any forms by him. On another level, he felt duty-bound to go back and defend me against people who had attacked him and by extension me as well. I don't know whether it is a good thing for him to go back so soon, when he's been labeled a cheater, a drug addict, stuck up, arrogant, etc. And I don't know how good it makes me look when he's in there and arguing with people.

One of the hardest things has been hearing people say things about Julian that just aren't true! The post I took down... let's just say that Julian explained it very clearly to me and in a way that makes me feel sure that it was a stupid joke that he and Alex and their friends got up to when they were drunk. I know in my heart Julian would NEVER cheat on me. He has made it clear time and time again that the only woman he wants in his heart and his life is me, and he would never do anything to let me go again. Whatever Alex chooses to do is his own choice; Julian's choice is to keep me, and keep me close this time.

I spoke to Alex -- it was the first time since I had left England at the very beginning of 2009. I can't say that I had missed the sound of his voice. It is so strange how someone that once meant so much to you can slip into the role of your own personal villain. Because a villain is what Alex seems like to me, and has seemed like to me ever since the day he told me he didn't love me and denied he had ever loved me. What makes a person change like that? I have spent a lot of time, too much time probably, trying to figure out why Alex turned his back on me like that. I mean, I'm totally glad he did, because if he hadn't I would never have gone back to Julian and we wouldn't be getting married. I think I could have understood it more if he had been indifferent to me, but he has spent so much time and energy trying to keep me away from Julian, like there's some gigantic reason I shouldn't be with J. Julian explains it away over and over that it's just Alex worried about his best mate moving 6000 miles away. I don't really know if this is true, but it's what I have to go with.

So I spoke to Alex, yes. It was such a weird feeling to speak to him after all this time, and with so much bad between us. I could tell he wasn't thrilled to speak with me, and that he was only doing this because Julian had asked him to as a special favor. He didn't spend a lot of time catching up with me, although I tried to, and asked how his work was ("hard"), how his dog was doing ("fine") and how Julian seemed to him ("bloody tired of all of this ridiculous photo business, Melissa, so let's do this, shall we?"). He told me the story as he saw it, and without going into details, it not only backed up what J had said but it made me feel better because having someone else say it to me seems to make it more real. What happened was stupid, but it was a drunken mistake among friends. And no worse, Alex said, than me waking up in my ex-boyfriend's bed (couch, I reminded him, it was his couch), and probably not even as bad as that as the photos at least showed that nothing bad had happened, unlike me, who couldn't remember what had happened with Sean. It was totally unfair of him, and I told him so.

I asked him why he would do something so hurtful to me, to send me a picture that seemed to show my fiance doing something that would hurt my feelings. "Melissa, I think you know I don't like you. I don't think I have ever really liked you. I think Julian is making the biggest mistake of his life in marrying you and leaving this country. Is it that hard for you to understand why I did what I did?" That hurt so much, I started to cry a little, but silently as possible. I asked him if he had lied when he had told me he had loved me. He said, "I told you I loved you because I thought it would keep you with me a little longer. Whatever I may think of you as a partner for my best friend, and as a person, you are still the best fuck I've ever had. I have to go now. Good luck."

I feel empty and tired. I think I'll have a glass of wine and go to bed. I wanted to post about my new idea for this blog that I am SO excited about, but I'm too exhausted to mention it now. Okay, maybe just a little. I'm thinking about doing a video blog, a vblog I think it's called, so I can vent a little in my own actual voice, and not just these words here on the screen. It's just an idea right now, but I might do one soon as a test. Excited! But tired.

I think I'm getting closer.

I thought it was about time I started giving some real thought to how I want my wedding to look. I guess in some ways I have always had a few ideas about the wedding, number one being that I absolutely MUST have the reception at my parents' house. When I was almost 5, we moved to the house my parents still live in. Dad had finally made partner and mom's residency was over, so we could afford to move from the little two-bed house we had in Valley Village up to Burbank. Mom was especially happy because it meant moving into the Burbank school system from LA Unified, which meant that she would be able to take Rachel out of private school and start me off in the public school system. (I always laugh when I think that both Julian and I went to "public schools" but they couldn't be more different!) Apparently when we moved into our new house, I said it looked like a "princess house" because it was so much nicer than our old little ranch house.

The house has a big backyard, and Rachel and I used to spend hours there playing make-believe in the treehouse and the playhouse. It is one of the happiest places I know. And because of that I want to have the reception there. I don't want this to be a fussy wedding, I want it to be joyful and playful and above all full of love. What I'm thinking about is having the ceremony (my mom is Unitarian, and my dad is Presbyterian, and we kids have always attended both churches, so I don't know which one to have it at) in the afternoon, like 2pm, and then have the reception at the house and the backyard, with all the French doors opened so people can wander in and out. I want to have white Christmas lights lighting up the trees, and maybe white paper lanterns in the trees too so when it gets darker it looks like a spell has been cast. Just simple and clean, all of it. A band that plays standards, and maybe some poppier stuff as the evening goes on. I just went out at lunch and bought a copy of the latest issue of Martha Stewart Weddings magazine and I can't WAIT to start looking through it for ideas. I have the colors though -- Wedgewood blue and white, like this:

So much change coming! And I need to start identifying possible houses to look at here for when J arrives; maybe we should just rent for a while so we can look together. I've been thinking I might ask him if I should get a rental house now so I can already be somewhere nicer when he arrives. We spoke this morning and he said he was so sorry about all that stuff that happened the other day, and I guess I'm over it. Maven came over to talk about it, and she said a lot of very kind things to me that I know were meant well, but I really thought about it overnight and I decided that I know Julian better than anyone else. It's just a bump in the road, as he said. Other people have gotten over much, much bigger things. Best to just keep moving on and forward!

Lunchtime ramble

The weather here in Pasadena has been so good recently -- nice and dry, and even a little cooler than normal. Cool enough that I could wear my favorite turquoise jumper (sweater to us Americans) that I got at Harvey Nichols in London last year. I swear I could live in Harvey Nicks and be happy for the rest of my life! So Mary and I are going to grab some sushi at Sushi Boat and then go for a walk around the Paseo. I'm also thinking about stopping by Bokaos and getting a hair appointment -- I know this is going to sound crazy, but I am seriously thinking about dyeing my hair! I mean, I love my hair color (strawberry blonde) but I kind of wonder what I would look like as a brunette. Not too dark or anything, just something different. Maybe more serious -- I could even start wearing my glasses sometimes instead of my contacts. (Julian says I should just get Lasik, because the glasses are a turn-off, except when we... oh, never mind!) Anyway, yeah, thinking about it!

Also getting closer to deciding on my wedding colors. I had wanted Tiffany blue and chocolate brown, and Julian wanted a paler blue and cream, and I think he's probably right, so now I'm thinking robin's egg blue and off-white. Just looking to find pictures of the right colors and I will post them! I'm not sure what the overall theme should be, but Julian told me it should be understated because his family would not understand "some big American production" and what a waste of money it would be. A lot to think about!

Oops, there's Mary -- I'll post some more later!

Another happy day

Another quick post from me -- I'm getting better, I hope, at cutting down on the babbling on. SUCH a beautiful day here in Pasadena, a bit windy, but so nice. I went to the Paseo Colorado and wandered around the stores, and managed to buy too much makeup at Sephora. (Julian refers to Sephora as "The Mothership" since I manage to always gravitate to one if it's in the area.) I also wasted some time in Jigsaw and Coach -- I almost bought a new handbag but Julian has said I probably have too many bags so I resisted. I thought about going to see a movie at the new ArcLight there, but I hate going to the movies on my own. It just makes me feel like I have no friends.

Speaking of which, I called Maven today to thank her for listening to me yesterday night talk all about my worries about the K1 visa. She said it was nothing, and that she always enjoys meeting VJ members. I asked her if she might have time to meet up again this week, maybe for a craft night since she knits (she showed me some pictures of her finished objects and they are cute!) and I have my scrapbooking. She said she'd see what she had in her week and let me know. She said she might say hello very briefly tomorrow since she has to see her friend Sara who lives about half a mile from me. I hope she does; I'm feeling a bit lonely at the moment. Not only is Julian STILL 6000 miles away, Jen and Jenn are avoiding me. Jen at least still takes my calls, but Jenn has told me she is pissed at the way I am acting. She said she has had it up to here with my giving in to all of Julian's demands -- who I can talk to, how I can dress, what I do with my spare time. She told me that when I remember who Melissa is, I can call her. I'm glad I haven't told her about this blog, because now I can say this: Jenn is such a bitch. Why can't she see that I'm still me? If she loves me, she has to love Julian too. That's just the way it is. Maybe I'm glad to have a break from her.

Jen is talking to me, but every time we speak all she wants to talk about is Sean and how hurt he is by what is going on. I've told her again and again that I don't CARE if he hurts, since he put me in a situation where I almost lost my fiance. I told her that when she wants to talk to me about anything but Sean, she can call me. My mom called me today and said she sensed something was wrong with me, but I said no, nothing! And really nothing IS wrong -- I am just putting my foot down about how I feel about people and somehow people think that that is me being weak. I just don't understand that at all.

I told Julian all about my drinks with Maven and he seemed cautiously happy for me to have a new friend nearby. He told me to be careful not to tell her too many personal things before I know her well, because maybe she'll post things about us on VJ that might hurt us. I told him I didn't think THAT would happen. He said he would have preferred that I made friends with women my own age, but it's not like she's in her 40s or anything, and she has other friends who are my age.

So that's about it for today -- another good one. Keep them coming, and here's hoping my NOA2 arrives soon! I want Julian to come home to me right away. I miss him so much.

Drinks at the Snug

Wow! What a great evening with Maven (I kept calling her elmcitymaven on VJ, but she told me people refer to her as Maven on VJ). I promised I would keep her real name off of here so she will be Maven from now on. We ended up not going to the Blue Room after all, but to the Snug on Magnolia, because Maven said she got a little paranoid that I had posted on my blog (she is one of my readers!) that we were going to the Blue Room; she said you never know who reads these things. Not that she thought she or I would have a stalker, she said, but you never know how crazy people can be. Not a problem, except neither of us had ever been to the Snug, so we had no idea what to expect! It was a little loud later on, but we could hear each other pretty well.

Anyway, I wasn't sure what it would be like to meet someone from VJ, and I guess I kind of did think about what Julian said about people not being who they say they are on the internet, but Maven is a lot like what she really IS like on VJ, except she can swear (censored out on VJ) as much as she wants and is a little bit nicer, I think. She is also really small -- I wasn't expecting to meet someone shorter than me, but she's about 5 feet tall. Not how I pictured her at all! She told me I looked like I was a child, not anywhere near old enough to get married. :)

She told me a bit about her own visa journey -- she had lived in mostly London for 12 years, and had been married to two different English men. She and her second husband decided they were sick of living in London and wanted something new so they moved to America. Since they were already married AND living in the UK, they had a spousal visa called a CR1 and it took only 5 months to get. I told her I was jealous that she could live with her husband the whole time, and she said "You wouldn't be if you had to live with MY husband through that process. He was convinced the whole time that he was secretly HIV positive or had a conviction that he couldn't recall, or that they wouldn't like the cut of his jib at the interview."

This is also REALLY weird -- she was at Bristol too! She did a Masters there about 9 years before I did my year abroad. AND... her best friend there lived in the same block of flats I lived in while I was there! Neither of us could believe it, but it was true. She told me a little about what Bristol was like when she was there, and I did the same. It turned out we had two of the same favorite pubs -- The Coronation Tap and The Highbury Vaults. I said I could totally see her as one of the stressed out grad students we would see in the Vaults in the afternoons, and she laughed and said yes, she had been one of them!

She told me a little about some of the personalities on VJ, particularly in the UK forum, and who were her friends in real life there. She has apparently met about 10 people from VJ, and some of them have become very close friends. She had a lot of funny stories to tell about VJ people, and she told me who she couldn't stand at all, but I promised her I wouldn't say anything about that! She also asked me some questions about myself, about what I thought about my hometown, and what I thought of VJ in general and the visa process. She said she couldn't be a lot of help with the K1 process (K1 is the visa Julian and I are applying for), but she offered to be someone who would listen to my worries and fears and try to help with some of the things that have to be done when we get to the interview stage, since that is basically the same for the fiance and spouse visas.

She also told me she was a little concerned about how Julian seems to treat me on VJ and in this blog, although she said she was hardly going to tell me how to live my life. She said her first husband had been a bit of a bully when it came to her weight and appearance, and she found herself giving into a lot of crazy, manipulative behavior because she was blinded by love. I said I loved Julian the way he was, and that he isn't manipulative, he just happens to know a lot better sometimes than me about how to do things. Julian's just more practical than I am, that's just how it is. She looked a little uncomfortable, but said she would be here for me if Julian started acting like a "prat" once he gets over here.

I guess I started opening up to her, because I told her a bit about why J and I broke up in the first place. I haven't really wanted to get into this since it seems like it happened in another lifetime. Short version: J and I were members of an online forum, and Alex and one of his friends (or maybe it was just Alex, I still don't know) became members too, but using fake names. They made me their friend online and I was chatting away with them a lot. Then they started saying horrible things all of a sudden, like J was gay, and I was his beard; or that I was a golddigger and going to bleed him dry. At first Julian was so ANGRY he threatened to hunt the people down, because I was so upset; then Alex let him know it was him (and supposedly another friend) and all of a sudden J thought it was all so funny that I was taken in. I decided that I was sick of him choosing Alex over me and said that we were over, done with. We were all set to file the fiance visa but I never sent the papers. I let Julian know we were not going ahead. He said fine, he didn't care at all. There's a lot more, but it's a long story and although I told Maven a bit more about it, and about my more specific issues with Alex, I don't want to talk about them right now because I just want to focus on happier things.

I ended up giving her a ride home since she had been dropped off at the Snug by a friend and her husband wasn't around. Something is up there, I don't know what, but she just seemed a little sad when she talked about him and I told her then what I tell her now (since I assume she will read this!) -- sometimes it is just tough loving an Englishman! She laughed and told me yeah, she knew that TOO well! I came in for a cup of tea and I played with her sweet cat George. She gave me a hug when I left and she asked me if I had read her post about making sure women take care of themselves should something go wrong with their relationships. I said I hadn't really read it very closely, but I promised her I would.

So I have a new friend! How cool is that! Julian is calling me in half an hour and I can't wait to tell him all about Maven, since she is so funny and teases him about his money on VJ, saying she is going to be his mistress when he gets here. I have to say that at first that bothered me, but now that I know her, I know it's just her being silly.

Yay VJ! Yay Saturday nights! Yay getting to talk to my wonderful, wonderful, handsome fiance who I love more than anything else in the world. I love you, my Julian. I miss you.

Calmness

So, another couple of good days! Not much to report, really, which I think is a great thing. (I think.) Julian and I seem to have settled back into a normal routine of phone calls and texts, and we don't talk about the drama of last weekend. His work is going great after the acquisition, and he tells me all the time about how much he is looking forward to our new life together in California. His mother is of course not really happy about him leaving, but his father seems to think it's an opportunity for the business to grow in America. And of course any of the business things I would have to go to would be with Americans out here -- no more of the drooling minor "gentry"!

I shouldn't say too much about it, but it IS my blog, so can I just say how psyched I am to meet another VJ person tomorrow? (Oops today.) She's already been through almost the whole process, so I can learn a lot from her, but it would be so nice to have someone local to share my worries with. She's older than me, and was married over there in London and lived there for a long time, but I still feel like I have a lot to learn from her experience. (Hi elmcitymaven!) She and I are going to the Blue Room (again!) to trade tales. She teases Julian on VJ, which I think is so funny. J says it drives him crazy, and if he were her husband he wouldn't stand for some of the things she says. But she seems really nice in her messages and since she lives in Burbank (where I'm from) I think it could be fun. J said to be careful since you don't really know what people are really like on the internet, maybe she's really a guy! I said I would let him know and take pics if he is so concerned.

Anyway, at home tonight. Nice and peaceful -- a change for the better. I almost fear it could go away, but in the meantime I will like it for what it is. Just nice.

Some resolution, much happiness.

So, so tired, but trying to get one post in before I go to bed. It will be as short as I can keep it, which I know is hard to believe! Sooooo... Julian did call me back at 1am, as promised. He seemed so eager to accept my apologies, I could hardly believe it after not talking to me for 48 hours. I asked him what he had been up to, why he wouldn't take my calls. He explained he was just so shaken by the idea of losing me to "that manchild" (meaning Sean) that he couldn't think straight.

He thought I might leave him again, like I left him before (I told him I didn't want to talk about THAT bit of ancient history), for someone who seemed to want the best for me but turned out to have very different ideas. "Just remember what happened with [name deleted] -- you thought he was a shoulder to cry on after we had that massive row, and it turned out he just wanted to see what fucking his friend's girlfriend was like." (It's true, and horrible, and I still don't know why I did it -- and I don't know why Julian ever took me back after [name deleted] dumped me after three weeks, or why he's still friends with that asshole.) I assured him again that not only did nothing happen with Sean, nothing WOULD happen from now on since I had told the Jen(n)s that I wanted nothing to do with him. I mentioned that Jenn was furious with J for barring me from seeing my best friend, and furious with me for giving in, and that Jen was sad that I would just dump one of HER best friends (meaning Sean) even if it was understandable why. Julian said he had some sympathy for what Jen had to say, but that Jenn's boyfriend Dan must be even more wet than he had thought at first if he would let his girlfriend carry on like that. ("Weak handshake, Melissa. Jenn must be the dominant one in bed, that's all I'll say on that matter.")

Anyway, he forgave me in the end and said he had felt lost the past two days without me. (Awwwww!) He had spent a lot of time talking with Alex, who had tried to convince him to leave me (typical), but the more Alex talked me down the more he realized he wanted to be with me, wanted to defend me. Sure, maybe in the first 24 hours he was more open to what Alex had to say, but he was certain that we should really, truly be together, and the sooner the better. Once I was his wife, I could count on being loved how I deserved to be loved by him. (Awwwwwww again!)

Work was crazy when I got back (and that's why it's 12:50am and finishing things up, but at least I'm at home with Tibbs and a glass of White Zin now) but I seem to be catching up. And something really cool happened today on VJ -- one of the other UK VJers who lives in my hometown, Burbank, contacted me and said we should have a coffee sometime soon! How cool is that? She's also married to a British guy, and said I seemed very sweet but might benefit from a little older sisterly advice. I told her that sounded great, especially since my REAL older sister is such a waste of space. We originally agreed to do this tomorrow night, but now she can't since she forgot that she needs to be in tomorrow night after all. Maybe on Friday then, or Saturday afternoon. I could use the perspective of someone who has also been through the visa process already.

So today was just wonderful, pretty much from start to finish. Much better -- I deserved this!!!

Maybe better, oh I hope maybe better.

What a couple of days. Obviously what happened with Julian was the biggest thing I had to worry about recently. I couldn't bring myself to tell my mother what happened. I was so ashamed of what I had done I just couldn't say to her after our happy shopping trip that I had done something that could change me even needing that dress. I tried to post something last night about all of this, and just nothing would come out of my fingers. Which is really strange for me -- before I started this blog, I would write pages and pages in my diary; now I type it and share it (sometimes I think how weird this is!) but it's always a lot! Anyway, I couldn't talk to my own mother about what I did and I had no idea what to do.

I had a very nice and helpful comment from one of my readers (hi Justine!), who said a lot of things that hit close to home. I am not to blame for Sean being at the party, and even Julian said that, but I was to blame for not making it clear to everyone that going and staying at his place was not something I could do anymore, even if it always had been before. Oh god, getting ahead of myself. (deep breath) But I made the decision to let Julian tell me what he expects of me in terms of my behavior during the time we're apart. We have to talk about what is and is not acceptable. I know that he and Alex go out sometimes and stay out really late, and go to places like Stringfellows (but in an ironic way, Julian says), but I know Julian is faithful to me. (Even with Alex constantly telling him to reconsider marrying me, I know Julian will not cheat on me.) So the burden is on me really since I'm the one who is misbehaving.

I want to talk to J about this, but until 2.15pm today I haven't heard his voice except on his voicemail. I know he told me to wait for him to call me, but I couldn't stand it. I called him every half hour on Monday, and every hour today, until he finally picked up. I took yesterday and today off work because I was so exhausted from the grief I was feeling, yes, grief. All I could do was lie on the couch, with Tibbs (my cat) curled up next to me, and cry and watch really bad TV. I can't believe how many Lifetime movies I watched. I watched Love, Actually and it made me cry even more. Every scene of London made me miss my life with Julian that we had there, and all the fun we had there. How safe I felt, probably because I knew I had him to watch out for me. Sure, Alex was there more often than I liked, but he wouldn't ever say anything obviously mean in front of Julian. He would make comments that would "take the piss" but were so clever that J would laugh (I would have laughed too if it weren't about me, and when I have heard Alex make fun of other people I always laughed even if it was mean) and I could never come up with a smart comeback. It just made me feel stupid.

Anyway, I could hardly move. On Sunday evening I asked my next door neighbor, Pat, who's retired, to go out and get me some Ben & Jerry's and chardonnay and a pack of Marlboro Ultra Lights; he was only too happy to do it since I took care of Stan, his Siamese cat, last month. Pat brought back 6 tubs of assorted ice cream flavors, 3 bottles of wine and two packs of cigarettes. He also offered to roll me a joint, since he has a medical marijuana certificate, but I said no. (Although I might change my mind.) I spent Sunday night eating Chunky Monkey and drinking wine and smoking inside my apartment, which I never do. I mean, I basically quit when I came back to America from my year in Bristol, but I do have the occasional "crafty fag" when I have a drink.

I started calling Julian at 1am, and kept calling until I guess I passed out at 4am. He never answered. I left a couple of messages saying I was sorry and begging him to call me to talk things out. I woke up on Monday morning at the usual time because Tibbs sat on my head to get me to feed him. I called into work and told them I was having a personal issue and that I would need to take two days off. John, my boss, called me back at 9am (I had been calling Julian when he called, and had to hurriedly finish a message to J asking him to call back) and asked if it was okay if he asked what the problem was. I said I had never taken a personal day before (which is true) and that I didn't want to get into the details but it was wedding-related. He sounded relieved, and said "At least it wasn't a death!" I laughed a little, but I know it sounded hollow. I promised I would be in on Wednesday no matter what. I think John thought when I said it was wedding-related, that it was something like a caterer, and I am lucky to have him excuse me for something as silly as that, even if it wasn't actually something so silly.

I forgot to mention that I had talked to both Jen and Jenn on Sunday about what the hell happened with me being sent home with Sean. I had them both on a conference call because it was painful enough to talk about it once, I didn't want to have to go over it individually. Jenn said she honestly didn't know ANYTHING about Julian not wanting me to see Sean, or what J's concerns were. Jen said the same thing, and said she felt like a fool for not seeing that Sean had feelings for me. Jenn said that was ridiculous, that J was acting like a possessive asshole who couldn't stand that his "woman" might have a male friend. Jen told her to think about it from the other way around -- what if Dan (Jenn's boyfriend) had a best friend who was a girl, and what if Jenn had to be away from Dan for six months or more, and Dan kept telling her all these stories about all the amazing times he was having with this friend? Jenn told her that men and women can be platonic friends, and that the idea that sex always gets in the way is a lie. Jen asked for a reference for this, and then said "And Wikipedia is NOT a reference!"

I asked why I was allowed to go home with Sean and not Caitlin, and Jenn told me the whole story.  I was too drunk to realize this, but she had gone home with Scott Dell (holy crap, Scott Dell! How random! I went on one date with him senior year), who was at the bar but not at our party. He was there with other people, and Caitlin walked by and he recognized her right away. She stopped by to tell Jen and Sean that Scott Dell was here, and that she would be right back, but she never returned and they figured out what must have happened. Caitlin wasn't around for me to stay at her place when it was clear I had had enough, so Sean had said he would be more than happy to put the birthday girl to bed. Jen thought that sounded like a great idea, especially since he only lives a ten minute drive from the bar. Apparently I agreed with this, and said something like "Sean always takes care of me, you're AMAAAAZING." (Ugh, how embarrassing.)

So Jenn is mad at me for what she calls being a "submissive little wifey" to Julian, and Jen is taking my side and is not talking to Jenn right now, even though I said I didn't care, and Jenn is still talking to me anyway (and she brought more ice cream today). Sean tried calling me a gazillion times on Sunday, and sent a whole bunch of texts, but I didn't answer any of them. He apologized for putting me in an uncomfortable position, and said he didn't want to make things bad between J and me. I really doubt that.

So Monday was a total disaster. J wouldn't call me and wouldn't take my calls or answer any of the emails I sent him. Today was almost identical -- ice cream, Lifetime Movie Network, cigarettes, but this time I had some coffee (Pat made some and brought it by) too. All I could think about was how could I be so stupid? Was I really throwing away everything with Julian because I am really bad about telling people no? And then I realized that I HAD told Sean to leave me alone, and that Julian didn't want me seeing him, and that he was just going too far, and Sean STILL took me back to his! What was he doing? It's not like Sean and I have anything sexual -- we didn't even have sex for Christ's sake when we went out -- so what was he doing? Well, since I'm not speaking to him right now I just don't know, and I doubt he would tell me the truth anyway. Julian must be right about him.

I had pretty much decided that Julian wasn't going to answer my calls by 2pm my time, 10pm his. So when I tried once again at 2:15 and he picked up, I thought my heart was going to burst out of my body. He said my name, and I thought I would melt or burn up, I don't know, it felt like I was aware of every vein in my body. He sounded a little drunk, and I could hear a TV or something in the background. I told him I missed him SO much, and how sorry I am and how badly behaved, and it all just rushed out about how I was not going to see Sean ever again and how I had told the Jen(n)s not to let Sean anywhere near me and how Caitlin had hooked up with Scott Dell... And then he interrupted me and told me he didn't want to lose me, that I had no idea what I meant to him, what having me as his wife would mean, and that he didn't care what Alex thought of me. That the past -- my past -- was not my future, and that I would never, ever again cheat on him like I did back in Bristol. (Oh god, are we going to have to go there? I have a feeling I am going to have to write about that.) That he had gotten one over on [name deleted] in the end by getting me back in his bed (*cringe*) and that he was certain [name deleted] was still jealous after all these years.

I asked where he was, and he said Alex's flat in Chelsea. Total bachelor pad, filled with every gadget ever invented. Even though I was so happy to talk to J, knowing he was at Alex's filled me with so much anger -- I bet I know why Julian hadn't answered his phone in 48 hours. He probably had Alex filling his head with all sorts of crap about once a slut, always a slut, or how I was only in it for the money, or any of the lovely things I know he says about me. Julian would have been in the right mental space to listen to those things and believe them. Then I heard Alex in the background, saying something like "Is that your wayward tart, young Mr. Cranford? Hang up, she's not worth it. Anyway, the bordeaux's probably breathed enough to drink now."

Julian told me he had to go, but that he would call me around 1am my time. Which it almost is. Another twenty minutes to go! Is it too much to hope that he has forgiven me? Oh god, I need a break here.

Trust.

I’m finding it so hard to write this, about what I did last night, about what happened this morning, and I don’t know how I can start. I want to talk about the wonderful things that happened yesterday but I feel like by even talking about having fun it somehow makes it seem like I don’t understand how serious the consequences of my stupid, stupid, stupid actions are. If I were Julian, I wouldn’t blame him if he told me he couldn’t handle the stress of having such an irresponsible fiancé anymore and ended it. I keep violating his trust again and again and even though I totally don’t mean to do it… I go ahead and get myself into situations where I compromise it anyway. I don’t know how I manage to do this. I always saw myself as the capable one, the responsible one, and now I just don’t know anymore.

Okay, stop. Let me start at the beginning, where at least there was some happiness. I had had a great time at the Blue Room, as I blogged about in my last post. Of course I was kind of upset when I got that email from Alex, but I read the comments that my readers left (can’t you just make up a name instead of leaving it anonymous? :) ) and decided that yeah, Alex was just trying to get me irritated. Someday, maybe, hopefully, I will be able to blog about why I think Alex hates me so much. It’s a very long story and I don’t want to talk about it today.

When Julian called me the morning after (SO thankful no hangover!) to wish me a happy birthday, I asked if he had seen the post and he said he had. He told me that he will speak to Alex about it and warn him that one more email or comment like this and Alex can forget about going to Anguilla on their “lads’ holiday” scheduled for September. J assured me that he will try as hard as he can to keep Alex in line, but ultimately he can’t control what Alex says to me, no more than he can control what I choose to do about my friendship with Sean. I said, well, at least you know that I don’t mean you any harm, and I swear I could hear him smile over the phone. He called me his sweet budgie and told me to have a beautiful day shopping for my dress, and that he couldn’t wait to see me in it on our wedding day. He had sent me the most beautiful birthday present – a very simple vintage tiara and earrings (“drops” he called them) which his mother wore at her wedding. Of course, it isn’t really a gift in the sense that I will only be taking care of these until the next generation comes along (*blush*), but I feel like a real princess. My dad has taken them and put them in his safe because he said he could not deal with the wrath of Jocasta if I managed to knock the tiara into a cat food dish or put an earring down the garbage disposal.

Mom came by around 10.30 and we met Jenn at a bridal shop in South Pasadena. I had told my mom I wanted to go to Monique Lhullier but she said just trust her, we should try a place that had multiple designers so I would have more choice. I had SO much fun trying on dresses (I think I tried on 12) – some of them looked terrible on me. As I thought, the whole mermaid-style dress looked bad on me, and anything that had a lot of lace just made me look like I was swallowed up. And then we found it. I found it! I won’t post the picture here (oh god, this is assuming I am still getting married, this is crazy, I just put down a down payment on a dress I may never need) because Julian does read this, so if you google “Amy Kuschel” and look for the Mae dress you’ll see it. I put it on and it made me feel like this is all for real and I kind of felt in shock. Jenn jumped up and hugged me and my mother, my tough feminist mother, even managed to drop at least one tear. I have to go back in about 3-4 months for a fitting, and I didn’t feel like looking for accessories just then so we left to go have lunch at Louise’s in Pasadena Old Town for my birthday. They toasted me with a glass of Prosecco and I even managed to eat an entire plate of Fettucine Alfredo, which made my mother smile even more.

Jenn came back with me to my apartment – it was 3.30 by that point – so we could get ready for my surprise, wherever it was. We hadn’t done a real girly getting ready thing like that in a long time and it was so much fun. We drank champagne (Jen was coming by later to pick us up so I wasn’t worried about driving) and Jenn curled my hair. I wore this green Anthropologie top with Grecian-style draping in the front, and slim black pants with my favorite kitten heel mules. Jen had on a sleeveless fuchsia wrap dress and gladiator sandals. I think we looked pretty great! I love the green top because it makes my eyes look more green, and is very flattering to my chest. Jen came by at 7, but before I could get in the car she put a blindfold on me and said I couldn’t take it off until we got to our destination. Take it from me – getting stuck on the 110 with a blindfold on is no fun, and Jen said I could keep it off until we hit the 10, since I knew we were going to the Westside anyway. I did as I was told.

After what seemed like forever, we got to the destination. Jen and Jenn took my arms and led me inside somewhere loud. I had no idea where I was! I heard Jen say, “Okay, 1…2…3…” and she ripped off my blindfold. I was in a very dark bar that looked familiar, but more importantly about 12 of my friends were there screaming “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELISSA!!!” I was laughing and crying at the same time, and the Jen(n)s grabbed me in a big hug and kissed my cheeks. I then realized where I was – I was at the Backstage Bar in Culver City! I hadn’t been here in AGES and I had really, really missed it. If the Blue Room is how Burbank does dive bar, this is how it’s done in Culver City and they do it RIGHT. Cheap drinks, the best mac and cheese and garlic fries ever, and yes, karaoke!

The staff were great and really took care of us, bringing us food when we needed it (and since Jason and Chris were there, it seemed like we always needed more of it) and a constant supply of drinks and jello shots.  All the girls wanted to know if I got “the dress” and when I said I had found it, we looked it up on someone’s iphone so they could all see. Maddy said she still couldn’t believe it, that I was getting married to Julian, and how much my life was going to change, and how much she envied me getting to quit work. I am lucky, I know, and I think a lot of girls would like to trade places with me, but it really is going to be hard work being “just a wife”.

And then something happened. Sean walked in.

Why was I surprised – that he was here, that he was late? I hadn’t banned Sean from this party, hadn’t told Jen I couldn’t see him. Sean just smiled his great big grin and walked straight over to where I was sitting, sat down next to me and hugged me very close. Too close, given what Julian and I had discussed. “Happy Birthday, Little Em,” he said in my ear. I didn’t like how that felt, it felt too intimate, now that Julian had told me that he felt Sean was still after me. I kind of froze in his hug, and he could tell something was up. I said nothing, and he said he didn’t believe me. Just then Maddy came over and sat in Sean’s lap so I got a break.
It kind of gets a bit hazy after then. I remember more jello shots and some gin and tonics in honor of Julian (Sean even led the toast) and singing “Like a Virgin” and “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera. I remember being outside the bar with Jenn, smoking a cigarette, and Sean coming out to talk to me, and then me telling him why won’t you just leave me alone I’m getting married and I love you but I’m not in love with you and Julian thinks you’re trying to get in my pants and what the hell am I supposed to do with you? I remember Caitlin holding my hair back in the restroom so I could be sick. I remember crying a lot and laughing a lot too, but I don’t know what order that was in. I remember looking for my bag and getting in a car and talking to whoever was driving and lying down on a sofa.

My phone rang at 9am – it was right next to my head so I grabbed it and answered. It was Julian, calling to wish me a happy day-after-birthday. “How is Melissa this morning?” I groaned. “That good?” he said. And then I opened my eyes. I wasn’t home, or at Caitlin’s, where I was supposed to be staying, but I knew where I was. I was on Sean’s couch, under Sean’s blanket. I was thankfully still completely clothed. I didn’t answer Julian, and he sensed something was up.

J: Melissa, what’s the matter?
M: Julian…
J: What’s wrong? I can tell something is not right.
M: I don’t know what happened Julian, I guess I got really drunk… I can hardly remember what happened after a point. We were all having such a good time at the Backstage Bar –
J: Oh GOD, you went to that dump?
M: It was fun, and everyone was there –
J: By that I take it you mean Sean too.
M: Yes, sweetie. But I didn’t invite him. And nothing happened! I even told him to leave me alone, I think.
J: Well, I forgive you. It wasn’t your fault; you weren’t to know Jen would do something so monumentally boneheaded as to invite that lummox.
M: But J, I do need to tell you something. You want me to be honest with you about me, right?
J: I do not like the sound of this Melissa.
M: I guess I got really drunk last night, so I had to stay at someone’s place. Oh Julian, I don’t know how this happened.
J: Please, Melissa. Please don’t say this to me.
M: I’m wearing all my clothes! Nothing happened!
J: I have no way of knowing what you are saying is true, no way more than you do. By your own admission, you were so drunk that you don’t even remember what happened. How can you know he didn’t touch you or kiss you? You are my FIANCE, Melissa. You are about to be my WIFE. You cannot do this anymore.
M: I didn’t mean to!
J: Whether you meant to or not is immaterial, Melissa. You are not in college anymore, dating and sleeping around –
M: I never slept around!
J: You slept with [name deleted] didn’t you! After we had started seeing each other!
M: That was a mistake!
J: Yes, just like this was a “mistake.” Melissa, if you want any chance of saving your relationship with me – and god knows why I want to save mine with you after all you have put me through, and how I will seem on your stupid blog after you post this “mistake” – you will take your bag and walk out of that apartment right now. While you are on the phone with me. Do you understand?
M: Yes, honey.
J: Do you have your bag?
M: Yes honey.
J: Are you leaving?
M: Should I leave a note?
J: Of course you shouldn’t leave a note!
M: Okay.
J: I am putting you on hold and calling you a car. Where are you? [I told him.]
I waited on hold for a while, and Julian came back on.
J: A car will be with you in 15 minutes. Are you safe where you are?
M: It’s Culver City, not South Central!
J: I mean from him.
M: Oh yes, I walked around the corner.
J: Fine. Are you paying attention to me, Melissa? Listen. I am putting down the phone now and you will not hear from me until I can decide whether you are worth the pain you are putting me through. Did I not threaten to cut off my best friend for you? What have you done for me? You continue to break promises you make to me, again and again. I have to decide whether I can trust you again. What is a marriage without trust, Melissa?
M: I don’t know.
J: It isn’t a marriage. You wait there for the car. Send me a text when you get in the car and when you get home. I don’t know when I will speak to you next but take care, my darling. I love you.

I am home now, and I seem to have cried for three hours. I have nearly thrown it all away because I can’t say no to people, can’t be clear about what I want and how I want it. Please, please, don’t let this be the end. I’m sorry this post is so long, but there was so much to say.

drunken meandering?

Okay, maybe I had one more than I expected but here I am still trying. Nice stuff first -- we went to the Blue Room which has been my favorite place to get hammered for a long time. Jenn likes it because she can smoke on the patio. I had a couple of cigarettes -- fags to J -- and now feel like death but the drinks were sooo good and strong. We met a party of Irish expats which was fun. Luckily Jenn had decided on cabs or we might be dead from drunk driving -- we drank a LOT.

But while I was there I got an email from Alex -- must have been 8am his time. Loser. He sent me this, which is the lyrics which he said was just from the British version of The Office but we all realized meant so much more (here is me pasting them):

Ever seen a blind man cross the road
Trying to make the other side?
Ever seen a young girl growing old
Trying to make herself a bride?

So what becomes of you my love
When they have finally stripped you of
The handbags and the gladrags
That your poor old Grandad had to sweat to buy you

Once I was a young man
And all I thought I had to do was smile
Well you are still a young girl
And you've bought everything in style

So once you think you're in you're out
'Cause you don't mean a single thing without
The handbags and the gladrags
That your poor old Grandad had to sweat to buy you

Sing a song of six-pence for your sake
And drink a bottle full of rye
Four and twenty blackbirds in a cake
And bake 'em all in a pie

They told me you missed school today
So what I suggest you just throw them all away
The handbags and the gladrags
That your poor old Grandad had to sweat to buy

They told me you missed school today
So what I suggest you just throw them all away
The handbags and the gladrags
That your poor old Grandad had to sweat to buy you

I fucking hate Alex. :(

Getting it straighter

Just a quickie -- can I just say what a wonderful fiance I have? Julian, if you're reading this, I want to apologize for being so unfeeling and selfish the last few days. Thanks to a comment from one of my readers (I have readers!) I've spent a little time reflecting on how important my relationship with J is, and I have decided to put it first, before any other one I might have. We are signing up for life (I hope!) so I need for him to understand that I will put my own selfish needs -- and by that I mean my friendship with Sean -- behind me. Sean may have been part of what made me, well, me but going forward I need to make sure my fiance knows that I am his woman alone.

It will be kind of hard, since Sean's family is good friends with my own, and my parents see his regularly. Sean is also close to Jen. Much to her disappointment, Sean and Jen never got together in high school even though they were ALWAYS together -- one time, a few months after Sean and I had broken up, Jen asked me if he had actually been interested in kissing me, since she was definitely getting a gay vibe off of him. How could someone spend so much time with another person of the opposite sex and NOT at least try something? Just once? I told Jen she should be happy that she didn't have all that messy sexual tension getting in the way of what was obviously an awesome friendship. She told me that there WAS sexual tension, but it only seemed to be on her side! (lol) In the years since we've graduated, whatever Jen had for Sean went away (actually it went away the summer after graduation when she finally lost her virginity to Kyle Stinson). But just like with me, Sean is close to Jen, and since I'm close to Jen, it just seems inevitable that I will have to see Sean from time to time.

And then of course I only just reconnected with Sean after MONTHS of ignoring him, and it seems really mean to pop back into his life and then just disconnect again. My mother would hear from his mother, and then my mom would get on my back about this. She would say, "I never had to give up any of MY male friends when I married your dad. Your father would never DREAM of stopping me from seeing whomever I want, not that he could." She thinks Julian is old-fashioned, and thinks he tends to treat me like a child, but something about Julian manages to charm her every time. She gets SO mad, and she'll call him up (big mistake to have given her his number) to tell him to start treating her daughter like an adult and then she turns into a big sloppy mess after 5 minutes on the phone with him. I don't know how he does it, but Julian is the only man I have ever seen get my mom to change her mind. "I'll give you this, Melissa," she once said to me. "He may be a prig but he does know how to make a woman feel like a lady." I guess this was a compliment.

What is wrong with me? I don't even have to be at work tonight but here it is, 1:36AM and I am still up and on the computer. I can't sleep these days. I just want to focus on the happier stuff for a moment, okay? I am so psyched for gown shopping on Saturday... I have my eye on a Monique Lhullier gown (I'll see if I can find the picture tomorrow and post it) but I am open to many ideas. I know what I don't want -- no fishtails, not too much heavy lace or rhinestones, no feathers or thick ruffles or flounces. I want something clean and classic, maybe with a little vintage feel. I didn't get my lingerie in the end, since I wanted to choose the dress first, but Lila did sell me a very basic strapless basque to wear for the fitting. And a cute pair of panties. I couldn't help myself!!!

And... I haven't mentioned it but Saturday is also my 25th birthday. Hooray! Julian said to keep an eye out for the FedEx man at work tomorrow. Mom and Jenn are having lunch with me after the shopping (I was NOT going to be eating anything before trying on dresses -- nice try Mom!), then Jen and Jenn are taking me somewhere in the evening to celebrate -- it's a total surprise, all I know is it's somewhere on the Westside, so  I guess I will try to crash at Caitlin's in Venice. This is going to be such an amazing weekend and I'm so excited! So excited I obviously can't sleep though, so I'm going to take half an Ambien and try to get even a few hours now. We're having a little birthday thing at lunch today so it's not like I can take the day off. I just KNOW the next few days are going to be great!

Family matters?

So tonight I finally gave in to my parents' invitation (read: order) to come home and have dinner with them and my sister Rachel. They're only about 10 or so miles away from where I live but amazingly I seem to see very little of them these days, since work takes up most of my days and dealing with the complicated stuff of getting Julian a visa to come to America seems to take up the rest. I hadn't really meant to not see them for a month ("Jesus, Melissa, a month!" is what my mom said to me over the weekend), but with my upcoming dress hunt this weekend I thought it would be better to see everyone before I ask my mom to give me her time on the weekend. She's a doctor, and sometimes it is really difficult for her to get time off, even on the weekends if she's doing rounds at the hospital.

I missed Mother's Day with her -- we were supposed to have brunch with Rachel, and then we were going gown shopping -- because of an emergency. But I grew up with this, so I am used to last-minute changes of plan. Dad keeps asking her to start slowing down, but she says, "Jesus, Sam, I'm only 55! I'm in the prime of my life!" And then she'll turn to me and say, "Melissa, if Julian EVER tells you to stop doing something, remember what I told you about self-defense: go straight for the balls." (Then she'll give my dad a wink -- it's their joke.) My mom is a little more... direct than me. I'm more like my dad, who is more laid-back and forgetful. Rachel, my older sister, is more like my mom, outgoing, bossy, loud and opinionated. This is great in mom, who raised two kids while she was still doing her residency and my dad was working his way up to being partner in a law firm. Because my mom doesn't take no for an answer, she just did (and does) whatever she wants to and makes the world bend to what she wants. In Rachel, well, imagine all that loudness but with nothing to steer it into.

Rachel is living at home right now, in her old lilac and cream bedroom with the four poster bed. Until six months ago, she had a job working in her friend Lila's lingerie store. I loved that, because Lila has the most beautiful little things, mostly French but a few Elle Macpherson lines too, which I love. I'm getting my bridal lingerie there tomorrow -- Lila's ordered a few pieces in for me, and we'll see what I like best. Anyway, Rachel decided after two years that working in a lingerie store was holding her back -- from what, I still don't know -- and she quit. Why Lila is still her friend, I have no idea, but she understood somehow and let Rachel go.

My sister soon found out she couldn't keep her lifestyle of partying up if she also had to pay rent, so she did two things: she moved home, and then she got a job tending bar three times a week at Lila's boyfriend's bar in Studio City. The summer after she graduated from college, she had done the bartending certification course and amazingly passed on the first attempt. I said to her after she started at Tim's bar, "Isn't it funny that after all that money mom and dad spent on your college education, all you needed was a bartending course?" (I thought she was going to punch me.) During the days, I think Rachel goes to the gym, Starbucks on Pass Ave near the Warner lot or down to the Barnes & Noble on San Fernando, because she said she has picked up some smart and hot guys there. At night, she's either out somewhere in West Hollywood with some idiot she's scamming into paying for her, or at Tim's bar, using her boobs to get her tips. It's gross all round, and why my parents put up with it I have no idea.

My mom calls Rachel a free spirit, and has told me that Rachel is working on a script, which is what she is apparently doing at the Starbucks, and why my dad bought her a new MacBook. I call bullshit. Rachel walks all over my parents, always has. We had the same rules and expectations, and while I always strove to meet them and even do better than was expected, Rachel would do a half-assed effort and then get angry and walk away from things, claiming that she was beyond all of this, it was too boring and she needed something more creative to do. (The most creative I have ever seen my sister get was the summer she got into nail art.) And my parents buy it every. single. time.

During the time I was split up from Julian, Rachel did try to cheer me up, I'll admit. She told me I was way better off without his "stuck-up ass" and that she was going to help me get over him by introducing me to new guys. This was a disaster, not only because I didn't WANT to see anyone except Julian, but going out with my sister leading the way is like trying to look shiny because you're flashing a square of tin foil when you've got the sun standing next to you. I'm not ugly, and I know that. Rachel looks like me with the volume turned all the way up. She's taller (5'7"), blonder (hers is bright blonde and fake; I'm a natural strawberry blonde), curvier and just way more sexy. Men just can't stop looking at her, and I totally understand it. When she met Julian, I thought I was going to have to manually close his jaw for him. "She looks like you, Melissa, but just... more..." Yeah, I thought. I know. I've had a lifetime of being number 2 to her in every way except school. So anyway, yeah, going out with her usually ended up with me getting stuck with the ugly and/or stupid wing man while she wrapped some hot guy around her finger. Boring. At some point I told her I appreciated the effort, but I just wanted to spend some time working on myself. She told me that one day I would realize what an awesome sister she was for all she had done for me, and that it was my choice if I wanted to die alone.

Ugh. So the idea of a meal with my whole family was NOT something I was looking forward to, but Mom had made tuna noodle casserole because she knows that's my favorite, and Dad said he missed me and would I please move home to protect him from these two crazy women? I laughed and said I would. Somehow someone somewhere took pity on me after what I have been through in the past few weeks and Rachel flaked on us at the last moment to go to a friend's friend's gig somewhere on Fairfax in WeHo. I gave an extra thanks to God when we said grace for being saved from my sister for the evening.

The dinner went great -- I told them all about my Dutch clients, and since they were seeing the Porsche for the first time, what it was like to drive something like that after my Sentra. (I also didn't tell them about my fight with Julian about choosing the Porsche.  No need for them to worry.) They asked about Julian, and how the visa process was going, and if Dad needed to call someone to get things to hurry along. I told them all about VJ, and how I had found a lot of great info on it, and that I had been told it was way too early to get worried about anything. I even managed to eat quite a bit of casserole, even though I am trying to lose weight, because my mom was watching and she thinks I'm too thin. "I'm a size 6, Melissa, and I look great. Julian won't stop loving you because you're a 2 or a 4, and if he does, tell him you know where the knives are kept."

Dad asked if I'd see Sean recently. I guess I hesitated a moment too long, because he asked me if everything was all right with Sean. I said yes, Sean was great, and that he had a new girlfriend and seemed happy. "You're happy for him, I hope?" my dad asked. "Oh yeah, definitely. I just worry that sometimes my friendship with him could look like something else." My mom asked if Julian was giving me a hard time about Sean, and I said, well, only a little. That Julian was just being cautious given my past with Sean, and that it was totally understandable. I swore I heard my mom whisper "pompous little shit" under her breath but I said nothing. Mom and I made plans to meet at 11am on Saturday for shopping; Jenn will be there too. I can't wait! I have practically no limit on how much I can spend on the dress, but I hate wasting Julian's money so I don't really want to go above $2,000 if I can help it.

Apple pie for dessert, and headed home to Pasadena after. If I could only be sure Rachel wouldn't be there, I would do this every week!

Spring day, fallout.

I think you can guess what happened with my phone call to Alex. After the webinar was over, and I had brushed all the ice cream off my teeth (what was I thinking -- ice cream? The week I go dress shopping?), I couldn't find Alex's number anywhere. Not in any of the usual places -- I checked my various inboxes and Facebook, I checked Julian's Facebook, I looked in my phone. I looked him up online -- unlisted (of course). By this point it was nearly 2am and my body was begging me to just get between the sheets, even though my mind was whirring with everything I wanted to say to Alex. Get out of my life. Leave me alone. Stop harassing me. What exactly is your problem with me? What are you telling my fiance about me? What lies are you making up? My body had had enough though, and I gave in to the idea of bed, since I needed to be up at 7:30.

The sky was ominously gray this morning, and there was more of a wind than usual -- I don't know why, but it just creeped me out. I dragged myself through the routine of getting up -- shower (no time to wash hair, so I put a little dry shampoo in it, love the stuff, then curled it a little at the ends), a half-assed attempted at professional dress (wrinkled turquoise pencil skirt that I love, slightly dingy white twin set, must remember to go to cleaners), Slim Fast (penance for ice cream). I drove my gorgeous new car to work -- it's a shame that I have such a crap parking space in the employee lot, since no one really gets to see it, and it's so much nicer than even my line manager's Prius. And here I have stayed since 9am. It's after midnight. Who could it be? Oh, the Dutch? Yes, you're right. Marijke, the Queen Bitch I wrote about before, has decided that only Melissa can be trusted to go over the presentations. Only Melissa should be in charge of making sure that every last Powerpoint slide is perfect. John, my boss, said I should be honored, since I am relatively new to this industry and Marijke is an important client. At this point, I really don't care. I just want to sleep.

Julian called me around 10am my time. He'd read my post and told me not to worry too much about Alex, that his post was just a way of "winding me up." "I'm not a fucking wind-up toy, Julian!" I shouted, a little too loud since Dana in the cubicle next to mine actually put her finger up to her mouth in the universal symbol for "shhhh!" Julian told me that yes, there was a lot on his mind right now, mostly to do with his company. Well, his family's company. Julian's a director, and even though he's only 25 he is apparently really good at it! The chairman (another one who stared down my top at a drinks evening) told me, "Don't tell Julian -- it will go straight to his head -- but he's got more business nous than his father did at his age. We're in good hands with this next generation." I was so proud of J. Anyway, the company is doing a tricky acquisition right now and that's what the meeting was about. They were closing the deal that day, a day earlier than expected, and they were all about to go out to have celebratory drinks. He wanted to call me before he had one too many.

He did ask me much more pointed questions about Sean though. Did I realize how it looks to him for HIS fiance to go pick up her ex-boyfriend and "so-called best friend" (his words) in an expensive automobile bought for her with HIS money to go and spend exactly the sort of day HE wanted to spend with her but couldn't because HE is too busy making enough money for THEIR future? I said I hadn't thought of it at all that way. He knows Sean is like a brother to me, and would never do anything to make me unhappy or feel compromised. And that if anything J should be happy I have Sean to look after my safety -- he's 6'2" after all and as an ex-soccer player ("football," Julian grumbled at me, "it's bloody well not soccer") he can protect me from any harm. And anyway, it's not like I'm in love with Sean like I am with Julian -- I just love him. Can't he tell the difference? If I wanted to be with Sean, I would be -- it's not like I hadn't had a million chances to get back together with him since we broke up.

I don't know what I said that made Julian furious with me, but apparently I touched a raw nerve.

J: Melissa, listen to me. Listen very, very carefully. Can you do that?

M: Yes, Julian.

J: I mean it, Melissa. Listen to me. Focus. Pay attention. I don't have a lot of time here -- I'm supposed to be going to the Dorchester in 15 minutes for the deal party.

M: Yes, Julian.

J: Do you, or do you not, understand that you are compromising your promise to me -- to be my bride -- when you take your man-child hulk of an ex-boyfriend out on a romantic date?

M: It wasn't a date! It was just a picnic and a drive up the coast. What if it had been Jenn? Or Jen?

J: But it wasn't, Melissa. It was someone else now, wasn't it? Someone who I have seen on more than one occasion looking at you like he was a starving man and you were a roast turkey.

M: That's ridiculous! He's my best friend!

J: You may think he's your best friend Melissa, but trust me, he is marking his time and trying to wear you down. I will not be cuckolded by that... that thing.

M: Julian, you can't stop me from seeing my best friend!

J: Oh, you're right. I can't. But if you want to take a moment and think about what you might be throwing away so you can have another little "picnic", you might reconsider. I have to go now. I will try to call you in the morning, but depending on how this evening goes, I may want to take the morning off tomorrow. You may of course text me good night.

M: Oh honey. I'm so sorry, I'm an idiot --

J: Have to go Melissa. Think about this. I love you, more than you must realize if you're willing to do this to me. I am giving up my entire life to join you in that cultural wasteland. Respect me, Melissa, like I respect you. I love you.

And he didn't call, hasn't called back. I'm still at work and I would give Sean up forever if he would just call me right now. I've had all day to think about this and I still don't know what to do. And I still can't find Alex's number.

Stupid webinars

I had wanted to post something about the horrible little comment Alex left on my last post. I will certainly post about it later today. It's 12.22am here and I am on a stupid webinar about Asia. I drew the short straw so here I am, in my pajamas and eating ice cream, listening to people drone on about the main office's plans to expand in Hong Kong. And all the while his stupid comment is eating me up. How dare he?

Oh god, someone just asked me a question there. I realized just in time and was able to give a sort of answer. I was far away, thinking about Alex. Why can't he just let us be? It's 8.35am now in London and I have a real mind to call him when I'm done here. I want some answers from him, since Julian sent me an email an hour ago telling me not to call after my webinar, since I won't be done until at least 9am his time, and he is going to be in a meeting from then until 1pm, some emergency board meeting.

If I can stay up I am going to call Alex and tell him to leave me alone. I know he's still holding stuff against me from our time in Bristol, all that silly stuff about Miranda. It was so long ago. I doubt that's everything. I know he sees me as a bubble-headed waste of space, or some social-climber just after Julian's money. I don't CARE about Julian's money. I know there are plenty of women who would just see Julian as just one big pound sign, but I really don't give a damn about it at all. If anything, it seems like it's a bigger hassle than I want to deal with most of the time. His parents have all these expectations of me -- especially the one about having a son, which makes me feel like I'm in some Victorian novel. One of the reasons I want to be here in America and not there in England is that over here I won't have to be some stupid society hostess, throwing dinner parties and going to balls. I went to plenty of these stupid charity events during the six months I was there. They were so boring, and I always got stuck sitting next to a horrible old man who spent half the time spooning food into his mustache and the other half staring down my dress. Jocasta, Julian's mum, always did a debrief after these events, telling me where I had fallen short and how to improve since some day I was going to have to host one of these things. And during the events, she would hover nearby to make sure I didn't say something embarrassing. If I did, she would actually come close and put her arm around me and then pinch me!

I think this webinar is drawing to a close, thank god. Almost 1am and I am exhausted. But I am going to call Alex if I can stay awake. I hate Alex. I just hate him.

It felt like summer.

Yesterday I took the new car (still thinking of a name -- it's definitely a he though!) to go see Sean and have a day trip to Malibu. I had a bit of a late start, because my friends were over until 3am and we drank a LOT of margaritas. I seem to recall Caitlin at one point saying that she was thinking about buying a Margaritaville machine if we were going to do this again. Which made everyone laugh hysterically and then Jenn knocked over a lamp. Caitlin went back to Jen's, which is only a ten minute walk from my place, but Jenn was passed out on my sofa and I couldn't get her to leave. I tucked a blanket over her and left my packet of Olay facial wipes near her hand so when she woke up she could get her make up off. I got up around 9 and Jenn was up too, watching E! and drinking coffee -- she had made a pot and I was SO thankful for it.

We talked a little about what had happened the night before, about the car and why we drank so many margaritas. Jenn is worried about me, and apparently so are Jen and Caitlin. Jenn said that she was kind of sick of hearing about Julian treating me like I was an idiot, and that the whole incident involving the car was yet another time when he was doing this. I told her that I didn't see it like that at all, and that I really liked that J was enough of a man to take control of things when I couldn't do something or didn't want to do something. She said they were worried that he was a control freak, and that I was losing track of who I was in an effort to please him all the time. I laughed, but inside it made me sad to think my friends didn't trust my fiance to know what was best for me. Jenn said that she loved me just as much as she had since we were in fifth grade together, but that she was concerned that Melissa was disappearing and soon only Mrs. Julian Cranford was going to be left. I told her that was ridiculous, that I was still me and that after all Julian was marrying me for me. She gave me a hug and told me that she would always be there for me, and to please remember to love her a little bit occasionally after I get married. I don't really know what that meant.

Jenn left around 11am, and I tidied up the place a bit and then called Sean. Sean had had a late night too and didn't mind us setting out later than we expected. I told him I'd be over around 3. I stopped off at the Ralphs on Lake and picked up a salad and some bread and some ice teas, and then hit the road down to Culver City. Even in the traffic, I felt amazing in the car. It was SUCH a beautiful day yesterday, and with the top down I just felt incredibly alive. And I noticed how many people were looking at me in the car -- that never happened in my Sentra!

I got to Sean's a bit after 3. He gave the car the Sean Seal of Approval. I told him he could drive to Malibu and I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head. He gave me a big hug and said, "Did I ever tell you how much I love you, Little Em?" (He calls me Little Em -- he's 6'2" and I'm 5'2".) Once we hit PCH, I had one of those moments, where you feel like you're in a movie. I mean, I grew up in Burbank, the so-called Entertainment Capital of the World, but I never lived like a movie star. Sure, I've cruised down PCH a gazillion times with friends and boyfriends, but always in our not-so-impressive cars, or we were all 17 and covered with acne or whatever. But right then, in this beautiful car with one of my best friends by my side, with glimpses of the ocean visible from the side of the road, and the sun just beating down, my hair tied back in a scarf (real Hermès, a present from Julian), it just seemed...perfect. And all the worries of the past few days -- about the car, about Julian complaining about me on VJ -- just seemed to be pointless.

We went to Zuma and had our now very late picnic there. Sean had brought plates and forks and a bag of Doritos, which he kept trying to force on me. He said I looked thin -- I said good! I am trying to get back down to a size 0 after putting on a few pounds from eating a lot of Chinese food, and I have a wedding dress to get into. (I was supposed to go dress shopping today but my mom had to cancel, which is fine by me since I have another few days to lose weight.) I told him he looked great, which was true. He laughed and said he felt great now that I was willing to be friends again. I asked him what that meant -- friends again? He just put his arm around me and said, "Oh Little Em, I just worry about you. After that crazy dinner at Don Cuco's I wasn't sure you were interested in me being a part of your life any more." I told him that I had just had to sort out how to balance my need to assure my fiance that the only man I'm in love with is him, with the kind of brotherly love I have for Sean. I said I was sorry for disappearing for a while, but I had to do it so when I was able to see Sean again I wasn't uncomfortable.

Sean and I used to go out. It was a long time ago, or long enough ago and with enough friendship after we broke up that it just never is an issue. We were 16 years old, babies! I don't think I loved Sean when we were dating (which only lasted 4 months) but I grew to love him in the years after. Sean has been the brother I never had, and was always there for me whenever anything went wrong. Before I met Julian, Sean was second only to my dad when it came to men. He knows me better than myself I think, sometimes.

We sat on the beach and talked for a long time. Sean told me about a girl he had met recently who he was seeing, and said he'd love me to meet her. "Don't worry though, Little Em. You're still my number one girl." I felt safe with Sean right then, that no matter what, Sean would always have my back. We talked about work, and the wedding, and a little about Julian. He seemed very interested in knowing how Julian was doing, and if he was loving me as much as I deserved. "He bought me the car, Sean! I think that shows how much he loves me." (I hadn't told him anything about the whole Mercedes issue -- not necessary to get him worried.) Sean just sighed and said, "Things aren't love, Melissa."

We decided not to stay for dinner -- I had fallen asleep on the beach while Sean got up to go get some more drinks from the stand. Sean said I looked exhausted and since I still needed to get back to Pasadena, it was probably best to head back early. I didn't argue, and let him drive back to Culver City. He asked me to come in for a coffee to wake up, but I said no, I'd better get on the road. I got home around 8.30, fed the cat and passed out fully clothed on the couch, just as Jenn had last night. I woke up at midnight when the phone rang -- Julian. I told him I was really tired, and could we postpone the call until later? J was worried, "Why so sleepy, darling?" I said I had had a really long day, about the girls the night before and then Malibu today. He asked how Sean was, and I said great. I wanted to get off the phone so I said, "He's met someone he seems to really like. I'm happy for him." Julian seemed much happier to let me finish the call after that, but not before he said, "I'm glad you're having fun with your car, darling. When I get there, of course we'll have to replace it, but you have fun with it this summer."

I have this summer left before everything changes.

Maybe this wasn't such a bad idea

(just sneaking away from Jenn, Jen and Caitlin who are making margaritas in my kitchen)

My car is awesome, amazing, terrific and nothjing I ever thought I would drive. I am so thankful to hgave a fiance who is helping to make so many of my dreams come true, not just because of the things like the car, but also because he just makes me feel more like a woman than any of my previous boyfriends have. I feel cherished, protected and loved. Whenever I start worrying if what I am doing is right (and my mother says that is perfectly understandable given my past with Julian) I think that wherever I am with him, I don't have to think about the hard stuff.

Going back to the kitchen for more margaritas. I took everyone for a spin on the 210 tonight and they all love it. We decided to have a 2 days late Cinco de Mayo party to celebrate and tomorrow I drive to Malibu to hang with Sean. Evreything seems so much better but maybe its all the tequila!

Mixed-up Melissa

Well.... Julian and I had as long a talk as I could handle at midnight my time, about the car, but also about what buying the car stood for, and I think I understand a bit better what he was so upset about. He was... surprised that I had listened to all the arguments he had made for the Mercedes and chosen to go my own way. A lot of his arguments made sense: safe, dependable, good resale value, prestigious, and practical for when we do start to have babies and dogs. I had listened to them and they all were as sensible as Julian's ideas almost always are. But when it came down to test-driving the Mercedes, I just didn't feel it. You know, it. I felt ten years older, with a car full of children, my hair a mess, wearing yoga pants and a T-shirt, on my way to drop the kids at school or ballet or whatever. I didn't feel like Melissa; I felt like her much older sister.

Julian asked me why I didn't just call him from the dealership if it was obvious I was having these sorts of doubts, because maybe he would have been able to steer me to something more to my taste, like a sedan. I told him that maybe I just was so overcome by that image of the two of us in the sun with the top down that I couldn't think beyond the Porsche. He seemed to soften a little at that, and said he loved me, scatterbrained and all, but I was going to have to tighten up my thinking. In the time we were apart, I mean broken up apart, not just living apart, he said he thought I had gotten used to thinking of myself first all the time, that I had gotten selfish. It was understandable given the circumstances, he said, but soon he was going to be living with me again, and he wasn't going home after 88 days. Our time together here had been kind of like a holiday, where we were just so happy to be together again we kind of just neglected a lot of the boring stuff. (I actually had to go to Target to go buy us clean underwear since I had been so lazy about the washing.) We had to start thinking like a couple, and thinking like a couple meant taking into account what the other half wanted. What if I went out and bought a house I liked in an area we hadn't agreed on? What if I decided I didn't want to have kids and got a hormonal implant? It is not just about me, he said. It's him and me.

And I can totally see his point. It was selfish of me, especially because I said I would call if anything went weird. I suppose he didn't think I was the one to go weird! I know he's still angry about it, but I am actually excited to pick up the keys tomorrow. I intend to show Julian that I am a good enough driver to deserve this car. He seems to have less faith in my abilities than any of my friends, who have never really complained before.

Enough of the sad! I am getting the car tomorrow and I am so excited! I sent my friend Sean a picture of the Porsche since he is really into cars, and he practically begged me to let him drive it. So this Saturday afternoon we are going to pack some lunch and drive out to Malibu, maybe get some dinner. Sean said it had been ages since we hung out, and it really has been -- god, have I seen him once since February? We're Facebook friends so we chat on there, and he only lives over in Culver City, it's not like he's in Texas or something. I guess it's just that I got so wrapped up in all the exciting stuff with getting back together with Julian, and then all the immigration stuff and the wedding, I kind of let a lot of people drop. I see Jenn and Jen fairly regularly because they both live in Pasadena, and they just bust their way into my apartment when they think I've been stuck inside too long. I know J is fond of Jenn and Jen, and is really glad that I have two good friends to take care of me.

Sean is another matter altogether. Hrrmmm. I introduced the two of them when Julian was over here at the beginning of the year; we had dinner at Don Cuco's in Burbank. I had had this feeling things were going to be difficult between the two of them, so I chose Don Cuco's because I always have a good time there. First off, on our way there, J announced that he didn't like Mexican food very much, but since it was me and it was so important for him to get along with Sean, he was willing to go there. Then Sean was 15 minutes late (like he always is) and since we were 10 minutes early (like we always are) it made it really uncomfortable from the start. Conversation was really awkward -- they had almost nothing in common except that they are both male. And have dated me at one point. But that was SO long ago, and it's not like I secretly want to get together with him -- if I did, why was I going through the bother of getting Julian here when Sean was less than 20 miles away?

After the dinner, J asked me if Sean was really important to me. I said yes he was. J said that because he was, he would allow me to see Sean. I got really freaked out about that -- "allow"? We had a BIG fight (Melissa: shouty; Julian: quiet) and he finally just about conceded that it was a bad choice of words, and that maybe the phrase should be "wouldn't object to me seeing Sean" from time to time. But I thought that if the man I loved was picking up on something I couldn't about my friend, it might be worth listening to him for a while. So I kept Sean at a distance until I felt that anything... weird between us had gone away. But I feel like now it has and I am so psyched to see him on Saturday! Dutch clients -- suck it! I am going to have some fun!

Also, I am working on a mix for Julian right now, some of our favorites and some stuff that just reminds me of our time in Bristol. I'll post when it's ready!

Melissa and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

What more could go wrong? I'm just about to go to sleep even though it isn't 10pm and I'm supposed to wait up another two hours -- I just want this day to end.

Julian didn't call back after putting the phone down, but he sent me an email telling me to expect a call around midnight my time so we could discuss something about the cooling off period. I wrote him back telling him that there was none, as I had said before. No reply.

When I came back to work, around 1pm, there was a gigantic pile of stuff that had landed on my desk awaiting me. I was so stunned by what had gone down between J and me that I channeled all my freaked-outedness into getting through it. Around 6pm I went on Visa Journey to see if anyone in my April filers thread had gotten their NOA2 yet. I looked in at the United Kingdom forum, wasting time, and saw something that made me feel... angry? Sad? Julian had vented in one of the threads all about what happened today with the car, and said I had LIED to him about the cooling off period. I hadn't exactly -- yes, I chose not to take the contract that would have given me two days to change my mind because I knew I wanted this car. There is no cooling off period if you don't take it, so I was technically right.

Then he says I'm afraid to drive the car, which is untrue and not what I told him! I don't know why he posted on there about this. Here's where he starts posting, make your own mind up: VJ thread  It makes me feel like a child, like I can't be trusted, like I'm a simpleton who needs a man to take charge of everything. One of them even said I was gullible! And now someone is on there, using the popcorn smiley, like this is something to laugh about and mock! I just don't know what to do. Am I being too sensitive here? What would you do? It's so unlike J to share stuff like this in public, and the fact that he did it after told me he didn't want to speak to me until much later makes me so confused.

Going to take a bath and have a glass of wine. So confused.

Dear diary, why can I never get it right?

I messed up. Big time, I'm told. I kind of didn't end up getting the Mercedes. I test drove it and it was nice, but the salesman also showed me this super-cute pre-owned Porsche Boxster, and it was THOUSANDS less than the Mercedes. I took it for a drive and all of a sudden I could see Julian and me, driving along the coast on our way to Santa Barbara or Sonoma, with the top down and the wind in our hair. It is super-cute! Here it is (ad is now down but I nabbed a pic before it did: Boxster) -- dark blue with a stone leather interior.

So I kind of thought it would be MUCH better than an SUV -- I'm only 24 (well, 25 in 10 days) and it's not like I need to transport kids around or anything. And also it was cheaper! I thought I might take the extra J wired me and put it towards a down payment on a house or something. I thought J would be happy that I got something that I thought suited me, and was a reflection of who I am and not a soccer mom (which is kind of what the Mercedes made me feel like). So I decided to take it! I signed all the paperwork and the dealer told me everything would be ready for me to pick it up on Friday. I thought I'd be getting it today and was prepared to give up Nick (which they wouldn't take as a trade-in, which kind of hurt me in a weird way) but in the end I have a few more days. I guess I'll sell him on Craigslist, or donate him to charity.

Anyway, I called Julian with my news and oh god. He was NOT happy. I can always tell when he's really angry because his voice gets very calm and low. The conversation went something like this:

J: So darling, how did it go?
M: Great! But I didn't buy a Mercedes in the end.
(silence)
J: As in you didn't buy anything in the end or a Mercedes in the end?
M: I tried the Mercedes and it wasn't for me. It just seemed too...old.
J: Promise me you didn't do something stupid.
M: Oh no! No!
J: Like buy something utterly unsuitable. Like another Nissan.
M: No.
J: Spit it out, Melissa. What did you do?
M: I bought a 2006 Porsche Boxster for $27 grand! It's soooo cute and it was way less than the Mercedes --
J: WHAT?
M: Honey, it is really cute and it just suits me so much better than an SUV. I mean, we don't have kids or dogs or anything, so why not get something --
J: Melissa. You are not capable of handling an automobile of that specification. You have a hard enough time riding your bicycle in a straight line and I have yet to see you parallel park that heap of a Nissan in less than 16 maneuvers.
M: That's not fair.
J: Melissa, it's true. And whilst we may not have any children or dogs right now, we will soon. Where are you going to put those in a Boxster? Do we put a baby seat in the boot?
M: No... but we could just trade it in and get an SUV later.
J: And get how much for it then? $27k? For a 4-year-old Porsche? They must have seen you coming a mile away. They ripped you off! You need to go back there right now and cancel the contract.
M: I can't Julian! There's no cool-down period in California! And I love the car!
J: Melissa, I am putting the phone down now. You are not able to drive that car. You never should have been so bloody stupid as to buy something we had not agreed on. We agreed on the Mercedes. You are going to scare yourself driving a Porsche. I will call you back when I have calmed down a bit.
M: When will that be? Julian, honey, I love this car!
*click*

Maybe he's right, maybe I'm not able to handle a car like that. Maybe I should be afraid.