Missed connections

Well, I got to talk to Julian a little on his way home from Alex's, before the reception cut out somewhere near Coventry. Not as much as I would have liked but Alex was in the car with him and kept telling him to "put the phone down on that stupid bint." Which just distracted J from talking to me, because he then would have to tell Alex to shut up, and then Alex would say something even worse. But somehow I managed to tell him I loved him, and he posted on VJ from his iphone too, just to show me he's there for me. He also texted me from just outside London, where they'd stopped for a pick me up, to tell me he missed me and missed having me near him, and how he can't wait to see me this summer.

I have been looking at a few houses online but Julian asked me not to post any links or anything about the addresses because you never know who's out there. He said I already say way too much about my private life here and this would be a step too far, so I will respect that. I am trying so much harder to listen to what is obviously good advice, and I think he is probably right. I mean, Maven wouldn't even have a drink with me in the Blue Room after I said we were going there, so showing where I'm going to live is probably even worse. But I made an appointment to see one tomorrow, which is so beautiful and amazing, with six bedrooms, which is way more than we need, but looks perfect. I doubt this is going to be The One, but it is at least a step in the right direction. The sooner I find something that looks good the sooner Julian will be here, which is a real incentive to get things done.

But I still haven't had the chance to talk to him about my feelings about work and the baby, which is really frustrating. By the time he got back to his flat it was very late his time, but I was still at work. I will try to call later but I am so tired I figure I probably won't make it to 1am, and we really need to find the time to talk about these issues. I feel angry with myself for not being more clear before with him about how I feel about everything.

I also emailed Sean and told him I was really sorry for leading him on but I still didn't think I was able to see him without other people around. He wrote back what is pretty much the only angry email I have ever had from him. He said that he was sick of Julian running my life for me. That he was so happy to think the other day that our life would be back to normal after MONTHS of problems, problems that all came from Julian. How much happier I would be if I could just see that that son of a bitch was trying to control me, and that I deserved someone much more normal than that, maybe not some "asshole English twit" but a regular guy. It was like I could finally see after all these months: Sean does not want me to be happy with Julian or even BE with Julian. He wants to be with me.

I was pretty shocked, and I had the kind of feeling of shame that starts in your belly and rushes up your arms and knots in your neck. I had done all sorts of things to make Sean believe that maybe I might want him and not Julian. I felt so bad for making him think that because he is such a good and decent guy. And it's not like I hadn't done it before, I think, because when I was seeing Noah, Sean was still very much in my life. In fact when Noah had to move to Seattle he told me to look out for Sean. Noah and I were pretty much breaking up at that point -- if you can call it a break up after four months of dating. It was more like a long summer fling that had to end, even though I did drive all the way up there a week after he left because I missed him so much. Anyway, yeah, he thought the same thing.

So I have decided that Sean can't be around me unless we are part of a larger group and until he can tell me that he has no more feelings for me than as a friend. I wrote him back a very short message that basically said this, and also that I was sorry if I ever led him to believe I loved him as anything more than a friend. I still haven't heard back from him but you know what? I don't really care.