What a horrible, horrible day. I got to leave the office around 5 even though I wasn't really done, because I just couldn't take the atmosphere in there anymore, and because I had two viewings scheduled for this evening (I had two yesterday night but neither was really what I was looking for). It's annual assessment time right now, and it's almost my turn (I'm scheduled for Tuesday) but in the meantime I get to see all my co-workers go through this. I'm lucky to have a champion in my boss John, but many of my colleagues don't have that kind of support. If I do well this year (it's my first real one -- when it was assessment time last year I had only been there for 4 months so I got what John called a "mid-term grade") it will be because of him, I know it. I saw Dana, who Julian calls my nemesis, come out of one of the conference rooms with red eyes and a kleenex in her hand. I watched her as discreetly as I could over the half-divider that separates our cubicles. She wasn't packing any of her stuff so I guess she's safe, but whatever was said to her couldn't have been good. I saw a couple of other people around my level come out of the conference rooms with similar expressions. I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous. I have the weekend and Monday to think about my performance. John said I shouldn't be too worried, and that my dedication and hard work have been remarked upon, especially all the late night webinars and early morning teleconferences I have volunteered for.
I spoke with John about my plan to go part time instead of quitting. He sounded really enthusiastic about this and said he would speak to our COO about this, but that it was certainly something he could get behind. I told him I wanted to be responsible only for the Dutch account and that I could easily fill 20 hours a week with that. John said that this will only be for the best for my assessment. I really think I can do this right -- working part time and helping Julian, well, full time get adjusted to living in California.
Hmm. I am not really sure how to talk about this, or if I want to talk about it, because certain people think that I am sharing too much on this blog. I mean, it's MY blog and if my fiancé doesn't have an issue with what I am saying, why should anyone else care? Isn't a blog supposed to be a safe place for people to talk about their experiences? Should I only talk about things like what I ate for dinner (tonight it was a chopped salad and a Diet Coke) or how my workout at the gym was tonight (really good) or the houses I saw tonight (I will write about that more)? I feel like if people are offended by what I write they shouldn't read. And it's not like I am writing anything about the people on VJ who are making comments about me! So frustrated.
Anyway, okay, here it is. Julian got into a really embarrassing series of posts on VJ about our upcoming honeymoon. I had thought we could go to St. Barts, but it turns out we can only go to somewhere in the US until Julian has his greencard. Wow, simple question and simple answer, right? Julian was not really happy about this, because he LOVES St. Barts and wanted to show me the place and share it with me. He isn't keen about going to Hawaii or Puerto Rico because he wanted something really intimate, really discreet, and he had somewhere in mind in St. Barts. But then Julian went on and was really, really blunt and probably went a little overboard in his criticisms of the USA.
Everyone was attacking him, and someone even said he was emotionally abusing me! Unbelievable. I mean, like I would stay with someone who was abusing me! Emotional abuse is no joke, I have a cousin who went through it. Her boyfriend never let her leave the house or see the rest of the family. He made her life hell. He made her quit everything that made her happy. One day she finally broke free and she is much, much better off. But Julian DOESN'T do any of that. He agreed that I could keep working. He said it was good that I was talking to Jen and Jenn again. He loves my parents and we are moving to within 15 miles of them so I can stay close instead of me moving there, where I wasn't really very happy but where he has a terrific life that he will miss very, very much. He doesn't object to me keeping this blog. He always tells me how beautiful and sweet and lovely I am. He is just a little old-fashioned and has very strong views about things that he expresses because he feels he has to tell people when they are being stupid. He can't stand stupidity.
I tried to get him to stop -- we were chatting on Skype as it was going on online -- but he kept saying that these people will never learn, so why not have a little fun with them? He was teasing them all, saying outrageous things that are actually slightly more extreme versions of what he feels. I told him to stop since people obviously didn't get it was a joke. And what people had to say back to him... wow. So many insults. Maven taught me a VJ saying and I will say it tonight: VJ, sheesh.
Anyway, I had already cleared my early leaving with John, and I went out to look at a couple of houses. One of them might be the sort of thing I'm looking for. It has four bedrooms and 2 1/2 baths, a living room, drawing room, big kitchen... Gorgeous backyard with tons of beautiful flowering shrubs and mature trees... And the doors of the kitchen open up to the garden and it almost flows from inside to outside. It feels a little like home. I sent Julian the details but he was asleep when I sent them so I don't know what he will think. It's the first one I have seen that I have felt this way about. I know it's early but maybe!
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Thanks for your answer. Just wanted to know the motivation of writing a blog about such personal issues. I read blogs of my friends and they do write about their lifes/ experiences as well, which is very interesting. This blog is some type of boring exhibicionizm which is written in a bad taste. Not reading it ( came here by mistake hoping ,there will something to read about?), Don't take it as I attack you person. If you want to write about your life, write it with taste, so it's actually worth reading. In my opinion those types of blogs are just a waste of "internet space". Good luck.
ReplyDeleteAngelika, thank you for your comment. I'm sorry if you find my blog in bad taste and that you think it's exhibitionism. I write here because I am trying to work out some very difficult emotions. I don't think it's in bad taste at all and I think you are being hypocritical when you say you aren't attacking me because that is exactly what it sounds like. I'm not writing to be interesting to you, I am writing to help myself. Your friends' blogs are probably interesting to you because they are YOUR friends. I don't know you so my life probably isn't very interesting to you.
ReplyDeleteI got a nice PM from another VJer who told me I should write how I want to write and not pay attention to what other people say since this blog is for ME. If you don't like this, don't come back. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I have to learn not to take criticism so seriously. I'm sorry you see this as a "waste of internet space," whatever that means.
geez - still applies - don't read it if it's not your cup o' tea!
ReplyDeleteThank you Anonymous. :) I am writing for me and if anyone is interested in reading this than that's nice but I am not thinking about my "audience".
ReplyDeleteAlso, I don't think ANYTHING I wrote in this post is that personal. I wrote about my job, about Julian teasing people on VJ (which probably everybody knows about anyway) and househunting. Isn't that normal enough?
ReplyDeleteSorry, this has just made me so angry. I'm trying not to get worked up about this but I guess I am.
Good for you ,Melissa. I didnt want to make you angry. Sorry if I did. I am not hypocrytical, because I don't see how I am attacking your person. I didn't say anything about you, I said about your writing which is not tastful. I am not saying all the time, but you do discover a lot of personal things, but if you feel like it , do it. I do understant your point that it's your blog and you write what you want. I still have a right about my opinion and not changing it.
ReplyDeleteTake care, hope it will finish this discussion. A.
::facepalm::
ReplyDeleteAngelika, your apology for making me upset is accepted. But when you write about my writing -- which is the only thing you know me from -- you are also writing about ME. And also, I don't see what I'm writing is not in good taste. Just because some people have more complicated lives than others doesn't mean they don't have a right to talk about them!
ReplyDeleteYou asked me to tell you why I write about the things I do, and I told you. Can you tell me why what I am writing is so offensive? I don't mean that to be mean, I am just curious. :)
Your blog is one effin' hoot!
ReplyDelete--Another VJ member.
Melissa, I wrote about the style of your writing ,not YOUR PERSON. If I would write about you, I would definetely write it in a different way. If you are not that bother what other people think about your blog, why are you keep asking me questions? You are definetely pleased with positive comments, that means you want to be commented. In the end of the day ,accept my point of view as well.
ReplyDeleteI didn't say your writing is offensive.
Melissa, really, there is no point in discussing it. Do whatever you feel like and please do accept criticizm. If you don't want to do that and as you say you are writing for yourself, then do not accept any kind of comments in your blog or just say that you wish only positive ones LOL (patting you on the back etc...)
I am happy to get not-so-happy comments too -- I read everything people post here. In fact, some of the advice people have given me that has been really hard to hear has helped me the most. It helped me realize I needed to be friends with Jen and Jenn again, and that Sean was maybe not so trustworthy. I guess what I'm confused about is why if you don't like what you're reading you come back! Sorry if that sounds mean, but I'm just confused.
ReplyDelete