I'm sure you saw all the comments yesterday on my blog. 20 comments... I would be flattered if some of them weren't so hurtful. I won't even bother to touch the one that claimed I was Julian's "beard" and that Alex was his lover, which is so ridiculous considering that I have had sex with both of them and I know they are both straight. There isn't ANYTHING sexual in their friendship AT ALL.
And as for Alex's attacks on me, they aren't really even worth replying to or explaining, beyond saying that Alex is convinced that I am only marrying Julian for his money and that that is the big secret that will come out. He's already told Julian a million times, so it's not like there's anything earth-shattering about it. Maybe that will explain to people why it seems like Alex has this big secret he hasn't told J -- he has! He just doesn't care and doesn't think it's true. It'd be funny if it wasn't so annoying.
Getting on to more important matters, I spoke to Julian about my ideas, my new ideas to keep working and maybe delay having a baby. He was a little surprised at first, and a little hurt to think that I hadn't told him what I really wanted to do with my life. He said he thought we had agreed a long time ago, in fact when we got engaged the first time, that I would quit work after the wedding and help him get settled and then support him in his work once his EAD (work authorization) card came through. He said this was a bigger job than I might have thought, and that his mother had always been perfectly happy in her role as his father's spouse. I said I was really happy to be his wife and support him like that, but I wanted to keep working because I needed it to be my own self, and if I wasn't my own self, then eventually I wouldn't be the woman he was marrying!
He paused for a second and then started laughing, which I was pretty insulted by. How dare he? I was spilling out my soul to him and he was laughing? He said, "Oh Liss, you have such a charming turn of phrase sometimes. Of course I want you to stay you." He asked me what exactly it was that I planned to do. I said I wanted to take some time off around the wedding, maybe a day or two before the wedding, and then two weeks off for our honeymoon in St Barts. Then I wanted to return to work like normal, and keep working there until I have a child. Basically, I want my life to be like it is now but with him here. We can get a maid to come clean twice weekly and I can cook as often as I can during the week.
Also, I don't want to have a baby right away. I'm not ready for it emotionally and I feel like we need to spend more time as a couple together before bringing a third person into this relationship. There are a lot of things I want to do with him before I have a child. I said I really do want to have a baby, maybe in a couple of years, but not right away. I said I knew this totally went against everything we agreed on back in late 2008 when we got engaged, but I was only 23 then and didn't realise how much I liked working since I hadn't even started at my job yet. I could tell he was angry at this point and no longer amused by what I had to say, because he was very quiet. He always gets really quiet when he's upset with me. I think he realized I was serious. So I asked him what he thought of my plan.
J: Melissa, when you agreed to marry me you also agreed to several conditions, didn't you?
M: Yes, Julian. But things have changed! I have changed!
J: But I haven't. Isn't it enough that I have gone along with your ridiculous requests -- to move to the States, to have the reception at your parents' house instead of the Huntington --
M: But that's always been my dream!
J: Your dream, Melissa, not mine. And as for your refusal to sign a pre-nup... My solicitors and my parents think I'm insane to marry you without one. But we won't have one as a sign of my commitment to you. Where is your commitment to me? I make a few small requests and you consent to them and then you turn around and say you don't "feel like it" anymore? Is that what you'll say to me five years from now about our marriage, that you don't "feel like it" anymore? Marriage is a commitment, Melissa.
M: And I'm ready to make it! I just want to be the best wife I could ever be for you. And I don't think I can do that if I'm not working.
J: My mother is perfectly happy not working. She raised Annabel and I, which was a big task in itself. She keeps the houses running and she helps my father in whatever way she can.
M: But she's old! I mean, from a different generation. And she never worked, not even before she married your dad. And she's not American! Maybe we do things differently, I don't know.
J: Melissa, this has nothing to do with my mother. This has everything to do with what you want to do. I will listen to you, so make it clear to me what you want.
M: I want to keep working and I don't want a child right away.
He didn't answer right away, which made me nervous. He told me he needed to take care of a call, and he would call me back within the hour, which I spent nervously waiting for him to call back. When he did, he had a proposition for me: how would I feel about working part-time? I couldn't believe it -- he was actually meeting me halfway! A real compromise! I feel so much like my new attitude about being assertive and acting like an adult is finally paying off.
I told him I would speak to John about this. I think he will probably be pretty happy to do that, because he already knew he was going to lose me later this year and he wasn't really that okay with me leaving because of how things are going with the Dutch client. But I'm thinking I will say something like (and Julian and I have come up with this plan) what if I just handle the one account with Marijke and the Dutch and nothing else? It takes up half my time anyway.
And as for the baby, he said we will see what life brings us. We don't need to start straight away, but if we're lucky enough to be blessed early on, we should realize it for the gift that a baby will be. I looked at that house yesterday -- yuck. Big enough, but the swimming pool was like a hole in the ground. But I really liked the realtor and she is setting up two nice 4 beds for me to look at tomorrow afternoon. Can't wait!
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Wow. Sometimes I start to feel like Julian isn't that bad (I guess I forget about the past stuff) but then something new pops up where I just can't help thinking what a dick.
ReplyDeleteMelissa, I honestly feel sad that you seem to think that this is what love is. Love doesn't come with any 'conditions' hence the term 'unconditional love' and Julian is very disrespectful to you whether you want to believe it or not.
PS - Your honeymoon has to be in the US. If Julian leaves US territory before he has either his green card or a travel document, he won't be admitted back in.
ReplyDeleteMoney does really seem to complicate things, doesn't it?
ReplyDeleteJulian's the normal one in this whole thing..
ReplyDeleteJulian is treating you like a business partner. Actually, more like his employee.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is NOT based on "conditions", it's based on honest communication and looking out for what both people want. When I told my husband I wanted to get a full-time job, he told me that he's happy with whatever I want to do, and even said that he suspected I would want that in order to keep myself busy. When I told him my thoughts on having a baby, he listened and saw where I was coming from, and we agreed on when to have one. If he EVER told me that none of this is what we 'agreed' to when we got engaged, I would take a serious step back. What seems good at one point can change. In fact, you were actually very mature and sensible to have that change of heart.
Why is it OK for him to treat you this way? Because he's the man and has an old-fashioned stance? Because it was good enough for his mother, so it's good enough for you? Just as time went on and you saw things differently about your job/plans, one day you are going to look back and realise exactly what everyone has said - for what it really is, rather than jumping to Julian's defense.
Btw - what Julian 'requested' of you were NOT small things that you can't be bothered to carry out. They're life changing decisions, and no one ever has the right to tell you when to do that. It's one thing following your future-wife's plans on the wedding, it's another to live with repercussions from his selfish requests.
ReplyDeleteYou're going to be in for a treat when he finally moves here and is constantly holding over your head all that he has "sacrificed" for you in order to manipulate you. I hope you bring us all along for the ride!
ReplyDeleteYeah, I do have to say that he is using the fact that he is moving to USA for you in a very bad way. Of course it means a lot and should count for something but he shouldn't hold it against you and use it as a point on his side.
ReplyDeleteAlso, him saying that your dream of having the reception at your paarents house is a 'ridiculous request' is terrible. I'm not sure why you put up with it all.
Also, how would you just be 'blessed early on'? Like if your birth control fails or something? As there is trying for a baby (not using anything) and preventing pregnancy so I'm not sure how you can just 'see what happens'.
Glad someone added the comment about him not being able to leave the US for a honeymoon. Maybe you need to do a little more research on the K1 visa process.
ReplyDeleteWhy is Julian the bastard here? Is it a crime for him to want what he wants? He thought he found it in Melissa, thought they were on the same page, and now all of a sudden, he finds out differently. Let alone having her blog know before she had the class to tell him. He's not freaking out, he's looking for compromise. I'd be hella pissed if I got the bait & switch so late in the game.
ReplyDeleteHaving a baby is a huge decision, and Melissa is perfectly within her rights to change her mind. Julian has no right to dictate unless he'll be forcing another human out of his vagina, and throwing his life away early into the (doomed to fail) marriage. Also, Melissa, I don't think you understand where babies come from. As someone else commented, you'll only be "blessed early on" if you aren't using contraception, and why would you not be using contraception unless you wanted to get pregnant right away?
ReplyDeleteI thought the same about that too. You either are using contraception or you aren't. Those people that say they're not 'trying for a baby but if it happens, it happens' are deluded. Not using anything IS trying.
ReplyDeleteWow. I'm just looking at my comments right now, this is the first time today (I'm at lunch) I have had a break. I don't really know what to say to some of the things said here but I'll try.
ReplyDeleteI did make certain promises to Julian when we got engaged. He said it was really important to him to be a young father, because his dad was kind of old (50) when he was born. His father was able to play with him when he was a young boy but when Julian reached about 10 he just couldn't do it anymore. He wants to be able to play with his children and be the kind of father his own couldn't be. I said I wanted to have kids right away and that I wanted to be an active mother too. So I understand why he feels like I went back on a really important promise. And it was me who said I wanted to be a stay at home mom at first; he asked me if I was sure and I said yes. He relied on this promise when he started making his own plans on running his own work. So now he needs to figure out how what I want to do works in with his own plans. It's going to take some work but he says he loves me so much he will do what it takes to rearrange his plans to fit mine.
When it comes to having a baby... well I didn't really want to write about this but it turns out that I am allergic to my birth control pills. Well, the pill in general. I have been on just about every kind imaginable in the past 5 or 6 years and they make me sick. My doctor says taking them might give me a stroke someday so I have just recently stopped taking them. I have to find something new to use though and I don't know what that will be. I don't really want to go back to using, um, condoms so I need to think about what to do. Of course I'll have a greater chance of getting pregnant than on the pill so that why we were considering that we might not be able to plan so well. Did that make sense?
And the thing about not being able to go outside the US on a k1 for your honeymoon -- is that really true? I think I'll have to research that more. I'll go ask a question in the UK forum to make sure that's right. If it is, Julian is going to be really disappointed.
No, Julian will not be able to leave the US until he has an Advance Parole document or his Green Card. How could you not have known? Applying for AP is part of the VJ guides for AOS. I researched the K1 process to death before my fiance and I even applied. Think about it - the K1 is a one-use visa. If Julian leaves the US and then tried to re-enter, why would they let him in? What's he supposed to tell Immigration? "I'm married to US citizen but I don't have a visa to let me in, or a green card to prove my Immigration status". You should have known this before you even applied.
ReplyDeleteYeah, you can't leave the US for your honeymoon. My fiance and I are planning on going to Puerto Rico because it's a US Island, you could also go to Hawaii. We're going to ask someone at the embassy or the POE officer just to make sure that it's okay but from the research we've done it seems alright because you don't need your passport, it's just like crossing state lines. I don't agree that this it is something they should have known before even applying, where you can honeymoon is not really a factor on whether to move to be with your fiance.
ReplyDeleteAs far as contraception goes, there are so many other options to the pill without having to use condoms. You should think about getting the implant (implanon), it's a small rod which gets fitted in the top of your arm and lasts for 3 years. You can get it removed whenever you want though and it has a relatively low number of side effects and often causes your periods to stop!
I understand why Julian would like to have children when he is young and I'm in a similar situation with my fiance but with our situations it's a lot more sensible to wait and have the alone time first.
A few notes:
ReplyDeleteMarriage is supposed to last a long time. Two lifetimes. During that time the people dream about what they want and sometimes they make promises or pledges. All along the way though time passes; things happen; and the two people grow and change. Hopefully they change to the better and the needs that come along aren't selfish. Hopefully they are able to accept that well thought out personal needs are fodder for the growth of the marriage, and not 'broken promises'.
When someone moves continents, they give things up. If they can't accept that, they should not move. Conversely, if the person not moving has no concept of what is being given up, there needs to be a reality check.
A person who is 'well heeled' is not really giving up as much as an immigrant who is not. Those fortunate few have the financial means to travel back to the home country often. They can afford to keep in touch with family. They can even afford importation of many of the creature comforts of home.
Thanks everyone. I will speak to Julian about one of the USVI. He hates the idea of Hawaii even though he's never been there so that can't happen.
ReplyDeleteI can't take any form of hormonal birth control so implants are not an option. It sucks. Sorry I can't write more right now but I am writing this on my blackberry in a meeting.
It's sounds like Julian has your entire life mapped out. You guys are both what, 25? I can see why he wouldn't want to wait until age 50 to start a family, but come on. And given that you're the one who would be doing the hard miles, so to speak, you should have a say as to when you want to have a baby. Please, please, please give it at least a couple of years after marriage. Enjoy your lives as a couple and go from there.
ReplyDeleteThat he basically wants you to fulfill the same role his mother did despite your education and desire to have a career and job is so preposterous, I feel I can't even comment. You seem to have a stronger will than some of your posts suggest, so I'm going to assume that you won't let yourself get bamboozled into a role that you don't want.
Re: nonhormonal birth control, go for the diaphragm. I always reacted badly to hormonal bc too and have used a diaphragm for years. It works like a charm. It can take some getting used to, but it's cheap and reliable if used correctly.
Good luck!
The point is not whether we agree on when they decide to have children, or if any of us think Julian is being unreasonable. The two of them discussed their 'life plans' and they seemed to be in agreement. Now, she's changed her mind...which she is free to do...but why is everyone bashing Julian because he's just hearing about this? Fair's fair.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is a contract...we each agree to certain things...you do this, I do that. I can see why Julian feels he's holding up 'his end' of the bargain with moving here (it's such a big step and not to be overlooked), and yet, Melissa's not only changed her mind about 'their' plan, she blogs about it first.
Put yourself in his shoes.
Found this blog on VJ and just can't believe my own eyes. I actually have a question to Melissa. Why are you writing about such a personal issues on the internet? Why would you tell everyone about the conversations you are having with your future husband? I am just kinda curious, because I am not much older than you but just can't imagine myself writing the blog about my husband and our life in a way you do...
ReplyDeleteThanks for your answers.
Regards,
Lord help you both.
ReplyDeleteHave you looked into an IUD? That's what I'm looking at currently...
ReplyDeleteThe baby stuff, well, you can tell Julian that waiting 4-5 years means you'll be about age 30 and by the time they are 18, you guys will be 48, which is nowhere near what his Dad was. The age thing is a consideration, but I really don't think waiting 1 year versus 5 years will make a big difference at this point since you are both still relatively young.
Keep in mind that Julian cannot work until he gets the EAD and he cannot travel outside the US until he gets the Advance Parole (if there is a family life/death emergency, you can get it within a day by making an infopass at your local office).
I think the most important thing here is for you guys to talk out these issues...it might not be the best thing to post it all on the internet, but if you like the blog, maybe you can private it so you can vent. I'm sure the growing audience would miss it, but does Julian mind that you post everything here in public?
-Justine
Julian accepts that I have my blog, and although he isn't crazy about it, he realizes that he can't stop me. He also finds a lot of the comments I get funny, even though some of the ones he finds funny I find troubling. He said he doesn't even bother to read it anymore since people are going to think whatever they want about him anyway.
ReplyDeleteI've asked him to write a post sometime, and he says he will, but I don't know when that will be. I think it would be good for him to express himself instead of me trying to remember what he said or did.
Oh, and hi Justine!!! :)
ReplyDeleteMelissa, so would you be able to answer my question ?thank you
ReplyDeleteI don't think anyone is saying that Julian doesn't have a right to express his feeling but it is the way that you deal with hearing those things and my personal opinion was that Julian was very disrespectful to Melissa in the way that he handled the news. I do not agree that marriage is a contract though and have things you each agree to do because of that. I find that's it's more having a high love and respect for someone and only wanting the best for them (and both of you as a couple) and decisions being made on that basis. Not because it was in the 'contract' you agreed to.
ReplyDeleteI am a UK citizen (24) married to a US citizen (23) and I made the move to the US in december. In the UK I had a great career which I have given up and will be starting over again in the states. We knew when we got into our relationship 4 years ago one of us would make the move. Its not easy being home alone all day, its lonely and very boring (I cant wait to get a job). My husband and I have a 5 year rule of no kiddies, for many reasons, he is still studying, I need to adjust and more importantly we want to be great parents who have experienced life, whose relationship is well grounded and we had the time to truly enjoy being a couple before adding children to the equation. Children are a blessing but are a source of alot of stress, you should be certain your relationship can withstand this. We recently got a dog and believe me that changes what you can and cant do. You guys of course will decide what is right for you, as only you guys can but if I may say I do think that you guys deserve to enjoy eachother before children because you will need those memories to keep you strong during those sleepless nights & stressful days that will come with kiddies. You and Julian can have it all but does it have to be right away? I am not judging either of you this is simply my thoughts, but I would ask that you always ensure whatever you both decide that at that moment it is what you truly want and that way wont ever regret it. I will finally add that like me Julian is making the choice to move and should never hold that over you, it is tempting at times (believe me) but I stand firm in that I made this choice for our relationship. Good luck with the wedding plans and your marriage.
ReplyDelete