Jenn.

I guess it's time to talk about Jenn. Why it is that our disagreements are not just about what she thinks about Julian, or what she thinks about me not speaking with Sean. I mean, sure, to some extent it IS about those things. But it goes back a little further than that. And I don't really know that what it is about is actually anything substantial but it still is an issue that keeps coming up again and again. And no, it's not about her being jealous of me, or me thinking she's prettier, or even about a guy, since I bet some of you were thinking just that.

This time it is just about her and me and how we support each other.

Jenn and I go back. Way back. Not as far as Jen and me, but pretty close. We met in fifth grade, when she moved to Burbank from New York. Her dad is in the movie industry, like a lot of people in Burbank. He had done something with a TV show, on the production side, and then the show moved production from New York to Burbank, and I guess he followed the work out west. Anyway, Jenn came and she was like no one I had ever met before. She didn't sound like the rest of us, didn't dress like the rest of us, and I thought she was the coolest person I had ever met. She thought I was a weirdo at first (she says) because I kept trying to get her to tell me about what life in New York was like. Did she live in a browstone? Did she go to Times Square? What was it like to live with snow? (I can't even believe I was so stupid back then!)

But eventually we became friends, and through me she met Jen, and after that it was always us three. It's almost impossible to talk about Jenn without talking about Jen, too. Our mothers always say how much we are like sisters (god, I wish Jen and Jenn were my sisters and not Rachel!), how we complement each other. Jenn is the one who speaks her mind immediately, Jen is the sweet and rational one. And I'm... well, I'm just me. Jen says I'm the sweet one too, just a different type. Jenn says I tend to always see the best in everyone, even when they don't deserve it.

I guess the difference in how I feel about Jen and Jenn is that I have never, ever doubted that Jen would have my back. I can't say the same about Jenn. It goes back to when we were juniors in high school. Jenn and I had always had disagreements about things, stupid little things like whether or not it was fair that I had had the solo in school chorus two Christmases in a row, or if an actor was cute or not, or if she really should wear her hair like that. But we always got over them pretty quickly, usually with Jen acting as a mediator. She HATES it when we fight. Anyway, it was another stupid fight that got out of control, and honestly, I didn't cause the trouble.

We were both in the school play, which that year was A Midsummer Night's Dream. Jenn and I went out for the play every year, even though neither of us were particularly good at acting, because we liked feeling part of something big and exciting like a play. We sang in the chorus in Grease sophomore year as sort of random teenagers, no names, because I think the drama teacher realized we could sing even if we couldn't act. This year we had decided to be more focused and really go for a part, even a small one. We decided to focus on the fairies, since the parts were small and might have nice costumes. It also meant we could be together in scenes. It was a plan.

Well, it turned out to be a plan that didn't quite work out. We did our auditions and waited for the cast list to go up. I was totally shocked when I got the role of Hermia and Jenn was Peaseblossom, just as she wanted to be. This was not supposed to be how it was going to work out. Jenn seemed really happy for me, not jealous at all, but I felt it was wrong. I wasn't any good, or at least not good enough for a big part. I didn't even have the time for a big part -- I was on the yearbook staff and I was dating Dan Szciemanski (I think that's how he spelled it) too. So I did what I thought was right. I asked to see the drama teacher and I told him I didn't want to be Hermia, and I wanted a much smaller part. He was pretty shocked and asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. I said I wanted to be one of the fairies (he hadn't cast all of them at this point) and that he should find another Hermia. He gave me the role of Moth, which was fine by me.

I told Jenn later that night. I thought she would be really, really pleased that I had done something that would allow us to make our plan real. Well, she wasn't. Oh boy, she wasn't. She screamed at me, and told me I was an idiot -- I was giving up a chance that I had deserved and earned and why? So we could be together? She was sick of me giving in to what I thought people expected of me, and passing up chances so I could make other people happy before myself. She told me I needed to love myself more than anyone else, and I just laughed and said I didn't even know that was possible. That seemed to make her even angrier, and she told me she didn't know who I was anymore, that ever since I had started dating seriously in freshman year I had disappeared, and that the funny and silly Melissa was gone. All I cared about was fitting in and boys and parties, which was NOT true.

I didn't lash out at her though. I told her calmly that I had made up my mind, and that I wanted her to support me. I was doing AP French and US History that year and I was so busy, and I was doing the play to spend more time with her, just like we always did. And before the school play, we had done chorus in junior high. It was our thing that we shared. She said I was crazy, that I was a doormat, that I never stood up for myself anymore, and she said it was just getting worse the older I got. She said the Melissa she had met in fifth grade would never have done this. She said she was sick of my martyr routine and that I should call her when I got a spine again.

The next day in school the drama teacher asked to see me. He wanted to tell me Jenn had quit the play, and maybe I wanted to reconsider my decision to take a smaller part? I was totally thrown by Jenn's quitting, but I said no, I had made my decision and I was sticking to it. He offered me her role, which I refused to take out of respect to her. He found a new Hermia who was about ten times better than I could ever have been, and a new Peaseblossom, too. My costume was gorgeous and I enjoyed being in the show, but it wasn't the same without Jenn.

Jenn eventually came around to the idea of being my friend again before the show went up. Jen stepped in (as usual) and made us sit down and talk it out. Jenn said she was sorry for not supporting me, and I said I was sorry too, but I wasn't really sure what for. It didn't matter. But after that point things between Jenn and me have always been a little... different. I think sometimes she sees me as being too trusting and too willing to put other people before myself still. And that is exactly what is going on again now. Julian could be anyone or anything or any situation that she wasn't happy with.

I love Jenn. I miss her. I'm ready to see her again, and I'm ready to hear what she has to say. She'll be at Caitlin's tomorrow and I can't wait to give her a hug and tell her just that.