Some big new thoughts.

Another busy weekend here, which I think is probably good. The busier I can be the less I think of how much I miss Julian. I haven't heard much from him over the past few days because he's been away since Friday with Alex in Scotland, at Alex's parents' house. The reception on his mobile is terrible up there, so he can really only call me when they go into Perth. And they only have dial-up internet up there! Unbelievable. I have been there once, and it was so cold and uncomfortable that I begged Julian never to make me go back. I had to share a room with Fenella, Alex's twin sister, and she snored both evenings after all the wine she had had.

So I got to see the Jen(n)s yesterday which was fantastic. We went to Caitlin's and had a barbecue. I was a little nervous about seeing Jenn, but she walked right up to me when I arrived and gave me a huge hug and told me that she had missed me. I told her I had missed her too, and that I had been doing a lot of thinking about what she had said about being true to myself and not letting Julian run the show all the time. I also told her that other people (I said it was on VJ and not here on my blog because she doesn't know I have the blog) had been saying the same thing to me so I was taking a long hard look at this and trying to see where I could be more myself. Where I can have my own identity apart from Julian's wife.

We talked about this a lot, and I told her some of my ideas. First, and Julian doesn't know any of this yet, I am thinking about not quitting my job when we get married. I mean, I know I don't have to have it, but it will keep me busy and after all, John says I'm doing a great job. I know it stresses me out, but I do like it mostly, even with passive-aggressive people and their notes about cups! Maybe I could work from home a couple of days a week, or go part-time or something. I think if I could keep doing it even just a little, I would have a better sense of being Melissa.

Also, I am not so sure I want to try to get pregnant right away. I'm only 25! My mom was a lot older than me when she had me, and I keep having this nagging feeling that there is so much to life as a couple that we would never experience if we had a child right away. Don't get me wrong, I love babies and can't wait to be a mom. But we'll never get to do some of the things I imagined us doing, like going to Tahiti or even just having a lot of time being a couple at home, if we have a baby right away. And if we don't have a baby, we can keep my Boxster for a while longer.

Jenn said these were excellent ideas, and that I was clearly thinking about myself first for a change. She even said I sounded like the old Melissa, the one who had dreams about seeing the world which had brought me to England in the first place. She said that if Julian could accept these ideas, he would go a long way to making her feel better about our relationship. I took everyone's advice and I just listened to her and didn't tell her that I wanted her to support him no matter what.

I want to speak to Julian about these plans, but I don't know what he'll say. I feel like sometimes he has our lives all planned out, with a house and a baby and his career over here and maybe us returning to England one day after he gets his citizenship. I mean, it's not like I never said no to any of it, so it's not really his fault if he doesn't know I'm not sure about it all. I mean, the only thing I'm sure of is that I really do love him and that I want to be with him forever. I don't know if I'm cut out for all of this extra... stuff. Before I met him, I mean, before we got really serious, I thought I would try to go to do an MA somewhere in art history, which is what my major was in. I wanted to maybe go work for Sotheby's or Christies, or even instead of the MA I could go back for a degree in painting conservation, which has always fascinated me. I wanted to go live in Italy for a while, or see Alaska. Instead I seem to look ahead and see me as a mother, me as a wife, me as a hostess. These are all great things, but I don't know really if this is going to be enough for me.

I was there for a good two hours when Sean showed up, totally unannounced. Caitlin had thought, apparently, that it would be a good idea if he and I just made up because it was making our circle of friends feel unbalanced if we continued to not speak with each other. After I got over the initial shock of seeing him for the first time since my birthday, I decided I could at least be civil so I waved hi to him. He just smiled at me and waved back. I felt so much better, like maybe things COULD go back to normal between us, and maybe he never meant anything more than just being my best male friend. He was really caught up for a long time talking to Caitlin and Mack but I felt like I wanted to talk to him as well, to be a big girl like everyone says I need to be and STOP acting like I'm in high school. Like I'm an adult and I can choose who my friends are.

I eventually went over to him since it didn't look like he was going to approach me. I just said hi, and that it was nice to see him. He was tanner than when I had last seen him, and I told him that. He just laughed and said he'd been running on the beach a lot recently. He said he was so sorry that he had made any trouble between Julian and me, and that him bringing me home to his was just the most sensible thing to do because he lived closer to the bar than anyone else, and he was worried about me having trouble getting home to Pasadena, that I might have been taken advantage of somehow. It was like I was seeing the old Sean, the one who was always looking out for me and protecting me again. I knew that whatever I had thought had happened hadn't happened at all. I feel now like I can trust Sean again and I told him this, which made him really happy. He offered to take me out to dinner this week, nothing fancy he said, because he didn't want Julian to think we were being "romantic" which made me laugh. I said okay, so he's coming up to Pasadena later this week; we'll probably go to La Estrella, which is the least romantic place I can think of -- it has its own resident panhandler!

God, I feel so much better. I can't wait to talk to Julian about all my ideas. I mean, ultimately I do need to listen to what he has to say about them too, but I think it's all a step in the right direction.