Getting it straighter

Just a quickie -- can I just say what a wonderful fiance I have? Julian, if you're reading this, I want to apologize for being so unfeeling and selfish the last few days. Thanks to a comment from one of my readers (I have readers!) I've spent a little time reflecting on how important my relationship with J is, and I have decided to put it first, before any other one I might have. We are signing up for life (I hope!) so I need for him to understand that I will put my own selfish needs -- and by that I mean my friendship with Sean -- behind me. Sean may have been part of what made me, well, me but going forward I need to make sure my fiance knows that I am his woman alone.

It will be kind of hard, since Sean's family is good friends with my own, and my parents see his regularly. Sean is also close to Jen. Much to her disappointment, Sean and Jen never got together in high school even though they were ALWAYS together -- one time, a few months after Sean and I had broken up, Jen asked me if he had actually been interested in kissing me, since she was definitely getting a gay vibe off of him. How could someone spend so much time with another person of the opposite sex and NOT at least try something? Just once? I told Jen she should be happy that she didn't have all that messy sexual tension getting in the way of what was obviously an awesome friendship. She told me that there WAS sexual tension, but it only seemed to be on her side! (lol) In the years since we've graduated, whatever Jen had for Sean went away (actually it went away the summer after graduation when she finally lost her virginity to Kyle Stinson). But just like with me, Sean is close to Jen, and since I'm close to Jen, it just seems inevitable that I will have to see Sean from time to time.

And then of course I only just reconnected with Sean after MONTHS of ignoring him, and it seems really mean to pop back into his life and then just disconnect again. My mother would hear from his mother, and then my mom would get on my back about this. She would say, "I never had to give up any of MY male friends when I married your dad. Your father would never DREAM of stopping me from seeing whomever I want, not that he could." She thinks Julian is old-fashioned, and thinks he tends to treat me like a child, but something about Julian manages to charm her every time. She gets SO mad, and she'll call him up (big mistake to have given her his number) to tell him to start treating her daughter like an adult and then she turns into a big sloppy mess after 5 minutes on the phone with him. I don't know how he does it, but Julian is the only man I have ever seen get my mom to change her mind. "I'll give you this, Melissa," she once said to me. "He may be a prig but he does know how to make a woman feel like a lady." I guess this was a compliment.

What is wrong with me? I don't even have to be at work tonight but here it is, 1:36AM and I am still up and on the computer. I can't sleep these days. I just want to focus on the happier stuff for a moment, okay? I am so psyched for gown shopping on Saturday... I have my eye on a Monique Lhullier gown (I'll see if I can find the picture tomorrow and post it) but I am open to many ideas. I know what I don't want -- no fishtails, not too much heavy lace or rhinestones, no feathers or thick ruffles or flounces. I want something clean and classic, maybe with a little vintage feel. I didn't get my lingerie in the end, since I wanted to choose the dress first, but Lila did sell me a very basic strapless basque to wear for the fitting. And a cute pair of panties. I couldn't help myself!!!

And... I haven't mentioned it but Saturday is also my 25th birthday. Hooray! Julian said to keep an eye out for the FedEx man at work tomorrow. Mom and Jenn are having lunch with me after the shopping (I was NOT going to be eating anything before trying on dresses -- nice try Mom!), then Jen and Jenn are taking me somewhere in the evening to celebrate -- it's a total surprise, all I know is it's somewhere on the Westside, so  I guess I will try to crash at Caitlin's in Venice. This is going to be such an amazing weekend and I'm so excited! So excited I obviously can't sleep though, so I'm going to take half an Ambien and try to get even a few hours now. We're having a little birthday thing at lunch today so it's not like I can take the day off. I just KNOW the next few days are going to be great!