Mixed-up Melissa

Well.... Julian and I had as long a talk as I could handle at midnight my time, about the car, but also about what buying the car stood for, and I think I understand a bit better what he was so upset about. He was... surprised that I had listened to all the arguments he had made for the Mercedes and chosen to go my own way. A lot of his arguments made sense: safe, dependable, good resale value, prestigious, and practical for when we do start to have babies and dogs. I had listened to them and they all were as sensible as Julian's ideas almost always are. But when it came down to test-driving the Mercedes, I just didn't feel it. You know, it. I felt ten years older, with a car full of children, my hair a mess, wearing yoga pants and a T-shirt, on my way to drop the kids at school or ballet or whatever. I didn't feel like Melissa; I felt like her much older sister.

Julian asked me why I didn't just call him from the dealership if it was obvious I was having these sorts of doubts, because maybe he would have been able to steer me to something more to my taste, like a sedan. I told him that maybe I just was so overcome by that image of the two of us in the sun with the top down that I couldn't think beyond the Porsche. He seemed to soften a little at that, and said he loved me, scatterbrained and all, but I was going to have to tighten up my thinking. In the time we were apart, I mean broken up apart, not just living apart, he said he thought I had gotten used to thinking of myself first all the time, that I had gotten selfish. It was understandable given the circumstances, he said, but soon he was going to be living with me again, and he wasn't going home after 88 days. Our time together here had been kind of like a holiday, where we were just so happy to be together again we kind of just neglected a lot of the boring stuff. (I actually had to go to Target to go buy us clean underwear since I had been so lazy about the washing.) We had to start thinking like a couple, and thinking like a couple meant taking into account what the other half wanted. What if I went out and bought a house I liked in an area we hadn't agreed on? What if I decided I didn't want to have kids and got a hormonal implant? It is not just about me, he said. It's him and me.

And I can totally see his point. It was selfish of me, especially because I said I would call if anything went weird. I suppose he didn't think I was the one to go weird! I know he's still angry about it, but I am actually excited to pick up the keys tomorrow. I intend to show Julian that I am a good enough driver to deserve this car. He seems to have less faith in my abilities than any of my friends, who have never really complained before.

Enough of the sad! I am getting the car tomorrow and I am so excited! I sent my friend Sean a picture of the Porsche since he is really into cars, and he practically begged me to let him drive it. So this Saturday afternoon we are going to pack some lunch and drive out to Malibu, maybe get some dinner. Sean said it had been ages since we hung out, and it really has been -- god, have I seen him once since February? We're Facebook friends so we chat on there, and he only lives over in Culver City, it's not like he's in Texas or something. I guess it's just that I got so wrapped up in all the exciting stuff with getting back together with Julian, and then all the immigration stuff and the wedding, I kind of let a lot of people drop. I see Jenn and Jen fairly regularly because they both live in Pasadena, and they just bust their way into my apartment when they think I've been stuck inside too long. I know J is fond of Jenn and Jen, and is really glad that I have two good friends to take care of me.

Sean is another matter altogether. Hrrmmm. I introduced the two of them when Julian was over here at the beginning of the year; we had dinner at Don Cuco's in Burbank. I had had this feeling things were going to be difficult between the two of them, so I chose Don Cuco's because I always have a good time there. First off, on our way there, J announced that he didn't like Mexican food very much, but since it was me and it was so important for him to get along with Sean, he was willing to go there. Then Sean was 15 minutes late (like he always is) and since we were 10 minutes early (like we always are) it made it really uncomfortable from the start. Conversation was really awkward -- they had almost nothing in common except that they are both male. And have dated me at one point. But that was SO long ago, and it's not like I secretly want to get together with him -- if I did, why was I going through the bother of getting Julian here when Sean was less than 20 miles away?

After the dinner, J asked me if Sean was really important to me. I said yes he was. J said that because he was, he would allow me to see Sean. I got really freaked out about that -- "allow"? We had a BIG fight (Melissa: shouty; Julian: quiet) and he finally just about conceded that it was a bad choice of words, and that maybe the phrase should be "wouldn't object to me seeing Sean" from time to time. But I thought that if the man I loved was picking up on something I couldn't about my friend, it might be worth listening to him for a while. So I kept Sean at a distance until I felt that anything... weird between us had gone away. But I feel like now it has and I am so psyched to see him on Saturday! Dutch clients -- suck it! I am going to have some fun!

Also, I am working on a mix for Julian right now, some of our favorites and some stuff that just reminds me of our time in Bristol. I'll post when it's ready!