Maybe better, oh I hope maybe better.

What a couple of days. Obviously what happened with Julian was the biggest thing I had to worry about recently. I couldn't bring myself to tell my mother what happened. I was so ashamed of what I had done I just couldn't say to her after our happy shopping trip that I had done something that could change me even needing that dress. I tried to post something last night about all of this, and just nothing would come out of my fingers. Which is really strange for me -- before I started this blog, I would write pages and pages in my diary; now I type it and share it (sometimes I think how weird this is!) but it's always a lot! Anyway, I couldn't talk to my own mother about what I did and I had no idea what to do.

I had a very nice and helpful comment from one of my readers (hi Justine!), who said a lot of things that hit close to home. I am not to blame for Sean being at the party, and even Julian said that, but I was to blame for not making it clear to everyone that going and staying at his place was not something I could do anymore, even if it always had been before. Oh god, getting ahead of myself. (deep breath) But I made the decision to let Julian tell me what he expects of me in terms of my behavior during the time we're apart. We have to talk about what is and is not acceptable. I know that he and Alex go out sometimes and stay out really late, and go to places like Stringfellows (but in an ironic way, Julian says), but I know Julian is faithful to me. (Even with Alex constantly telling him to reconsider marrying me, I know Julian will not cheat on me.) So the burden is on me really since I'm the one who is misbehaving.

I want to talk to J about this, but until 2.15pm today I haven't heard his voice except on his voicemail. I know he told me to wait for him to call me, but I couldn't stand it. I called him every half hour on Monday, and every hour today, until he finally picked up. I took yesterday and today off work because I was so exhausted from the grief I was feeling, yes, grief. All I could do was lie on the couch, with Tibbs (my cat) curled up next to me, and cry and watch really bad TV. I can't believe how many Lifetime movies I watched. I watched Love, Actually and it made me cry even more. Every scene of London made me miss my life with Julian that we had there, and all the fun we had there. How safe I felt, probably because I knew I had him to watch out for me. Sure, Alex was there more often than I liked, but he wouldn't ever say anything obviously mean in front of Julian. He would make comments that would "take the piss" but were so clever that J would laugh (I would have laughed too if it weren't about me, and when I have heard Alex make fun of other people I always laughed even if it was mean) and I could never come up with a smart comeback. It just made me feel stupid.

Anyway, I could hardly move. On Sunday evening I asked my next door neighbor, Pat, who's retired, to go out and get me some Ben & Jerry's and chardonnay and a pack of Marlboro Ultra Lights; he was only too happy to do it since I took care of Stan, his Siamese cat, last month. Pat brought back 6 tubs of assorted ice cream flavors, 3 bottles of wine and two packs of cigarettes. He also offered to roll me a joint, since he has a medical marijuana certificate, but I said no. (Although I might change my mind.) I spent Sunday night eating Chunky Monkey and drinking wine and smoking inside my apartment, which I never do. I mean, I basically quit when I came back to America from my year in Bristol, but I do have the occasional "crafty fag" when I have a drink.

I started calling Julian at 1am, and kept calling until I guess I passed out at 4am. He never answered. I left a couple of messages saying I was sorry and begging him to call me to talk things out. I woke up on Monday morning at the usual time because Tibbs sat on my head to get me to feed him. I called into work and told them I was having a personal issue and that I would need to take two days off. John, my boss, called me back at 9am (I had been calling Julian when he called, and had to hurriedly finish a message to J asking him to call back) and asked if it was okay if he asked what the problem was. I said I had never taken a personal day before (which is true) and that I didn't want to get into the details but it was wedding-related. He sounded relieved, and said "At least it wasn't a death!" I laughed a little, but I know it sounded hollow. I promised I would be in on Wednesday no matter what. I think John thought when I said it was wedding-related, that it was something like a caterer, and I am lucky to have him excuse me for something as silly as that, even if it wasn't actually something so silly.

I forgot to mention that I had talked to both Jen and Jenn on Sunday about what the hell happened with me being sent home with Sean. I had them both on a conference call because it was painful enough to talk about it once, I didn't want to have to go over it individually. Jenn said she honestly didn't know ANYTHING about Julian not wanting me to see Sean, or what J's concerns were. Jen said the same thing, and said she felt like a fool for not seeing that Sean had feelings for me. Jenn said that was ridiculous, that J was acting like a possessive asshole who couldn't stand that his "woman" might have a male friend. Jen told her to think about it from the other way around -- what if Dan (Jenn's boyfriend) had a best friend who was a girl, and what if Jenn had to be away from Dan for six months or more, and Dan kept telling her all these stories about all the amazing times he was having with this friend? Jenn told her that men and women can be platonic friends, and that the idea that sex always gets in the way is a lie. Jen asked for a reference for this, and then said "And Wikipedia is NOT a reference!"

I asked why I was allowed to go home with Sean and not Caitlin, and Jenn told me the whole story.  I was too drunk to realize this, but she had gone home with Scott Dell (holy crap, Scott Dell! How random! I went on one date with him senior year), who was at the bar but not at our party. He was there with other people, and Caitlin walked by and he recognized her right away. She stopped by to tell Jen and Sean that Scott Dell was here, and that she would be right back, but she never returned and they figured out what must have happened. Caitlin wasn't around for me to stay at her place when it was clear I had had enough, so Sean had said he would be more than happy to put the birthday girl to bed. Jen thought that sounded like a great idea, especially since he only lives a ten minute drive from the bar. Apparently I agreed with this, and said something like "Sean always takes care of me, you're AMAAAAZING." (Ugh, how embarrassing.)

So Jenn is mad at me for what she calls being a "submissive little wifey" to Julian, and Jen is taking my side and is not talking to Jenn right now, even though I said I didn't care, and Jenn is still talking to me anyway (and she brought more ice cream today). Sean tried calling me a gazillion times on Sunday, and sent a whole bunch of texts, but I didn't answer any of them. He apologized for putting me in an uncomfortable position, and said he didn't want to make things bad between J and me. I really doubt that.

So Monday was a total disaster. J wouldn't call me and wouldn't take my calls or answer any of the emails I sent him. Today was almost identical -- ice cream, Lifetime Movie Network, cigarettes, but this time I had some coffee (Pat made some and brought it by) too. All I could think about was how could I be so stupid? Was I really throwing away everything with Julian because I am really bad about telling people no? And then I realized that I HAD told Sean to leave me alone, and that Julian didn't want me seeing him, and that he was just going too far, and Sean STILL took me back to his! What was he doing? It's not like Sean and I have anything sexual -- we didn't even have sex for Christ's sake when we went out -- so what was he doing? Well, since I'm not speaking to him right now I just don't know, and I doubt he would tell me the truth anyway. Julian must be right about him.

I had pretty much decided that Julian wasn't going to answer my calls by 2pm my time, 10pm his. So when I tried once again at 2:15 and he picked up, I thought my heart was going to burst out of my body. He said my name, and I thought I would melt or burn up, I don't know, it felt like I was aware of every vein in my body. He sounded a little drunk, and I could hear a TV or something in the background. I told him I missed him SO much, and how sorry I am and how badly behaved, and it all just rushed out about how I was not going to see Sean ever again and how I had told the Jen(n)s not to let Sean anywhere near me and how Caitlin had hooked up with Scott Dell... And then he interrupted me and told me he didn't want to lose me, that I had no idea what I meant to him, what having me as his wife would mean, and that he didn't care what Alex thought of me. That the past -- my past -- was not my future, and that I would never, ever again cheat on him like I did back in Bristol. (Oh god, are we going to have to go there? I have a feeling I am going to have to write about that.) That he had gotten one over on [name deleted] in the end by getting me back in his bed (*cringe*) and that he was certain [name deleted] was still jealous after all these years.

I asked where he was, and he said Alex's flat in Chelsea. Total bachelor pad, filled with every gadget ever invented. Even though I was so happy to talk to J, knowing he was at Alex's filled me with so much anger -- I bet I know why Julian hadn't answered his phone in 48 hours. He probably had Alex filling his head with all sorts of crap about once a slut, always a slut, or how I was only in it for the money, or any of the lovely things I know he says about me. Julian would have been in the right mental space to listen to those things and believe them. Then I heard Alex in the background, saying something like "Is that your wayward tart, young Mr. Cranford? Hang up, she's not worth it. Anyway, the bordeaux's probably breathed enough to drink now."

Julian told me he had to go, but that he would call me around 1am my time. Which it almost is. Another twenty minutes to go! Is it too much to hope that he has forgiven me? Oh god, I need a break here.