Trust.

I’m finding it so hard to write this, about what I did last night, about what happened this morning, and I don’t know how I can start. I want to talk about the wonderful things that happened yesterday but I feel like by even talking about having fun it somehow makes it seem like I don’t understand how serious the consequences of my stupid, stupid, stupid actions are. If I were Julian, I wouldn’t blame him if he told me he couldn’t handle the stress of having such an irresponsible fiancé anymore and ended it. I keep violating his trust again and again and even though I totally don’t mean to do it… I go ahead and get myself into situations where I compromise it anyway. I don’t know how I manage to do this. I always saw myself as the capable one, the responsible one, and now I just don’t know anymore.

Okay, stop. Let me start at the beginning, where at least there was some happiness. I had had a great time at the Blue Room, as I blogged about in my last post. Of course I was kind of upset when I got that email from Alex, but I read the comments that my readers left (can’t you just make up a name instead of leaving it anonymous? :) ) and decided that yeah, Alex was just trying to get me irritated. Someday, maybe, hopefully, I will be able to blog about why I think Alex hates me so much. It’s a very long story and I don’t want to talk about it today.

When Julian called me the morning after (SO thankful no hangover!) to wish me a happy birthday, I asked if he had seen the post and he said he had. He told me that he will speak to Alex about it and warn him that one more email or comment like this and Alex can forget about going to Anguilla on their “lads’ holiday” scheduled for September. J assured me that he will try as hard as he can to keep Alex in line, but ultimately he can’t control what Alex says to me, no more than he can control what I choose to do about my friendship with Sean. I said, well, at least you know that I don’t mean you any harm, and I swear I could hear him smile over the phone. He called me his sweet budgie and told me to have a beautiful day shopping for my dress, and that he couldn’t wait to see me in it on our wedding day. He had sent me the most beautiful birthday present – a very simple vintage tiara and earrings (“drops” he called them) which his mother wore at her wedding. Of course, it isn’t really a gift in the sense that I will only be taking care of these until the next generation comes along (*blush*), but I feel like a real princess. My dad has taken them and put them in his safe because he said he could not deal with the wrath of Jocasta if I managed to knock the tiara into a cat food dish or put an earring down the garbage disposal.

Mom came by around 10.30 and we met Jenn at a bridal shop in South Pasadena. I had told my mom I wanted to go to Monique Lhullier but she said just trust her, we should try a place that had multiple designers so I would have more choice. I had SO much fun trying on dresses (I think I tried on 12) – some of them looked terrible on me. As I thought, the whole mermaid-style dress looked bad on me, and anything that had a lot of lace just made me look like I was swallowed up. And then we found it. I found it! I won’t post the picture here (oh god, this is assuming I am still getting married, this is crazy, I just put down a down payment on a dress I may never need) because Julian does read this, so if you google “Amy Kuschel” and look for the Mae dress you’ll see it. I put it on and it made me feel like this is all for real and I kind of felt in shock. Jenn jumped up and hugged me and my mother, my tough feminist mother, even managed to drop at least one tear. I have to go back in about 3-4 months for a fitting, and I didn’t feel like looking for accessories just then so we left to go have lunch at Louise’s in Pasadena Old Town for my birthday. They toasted me with a glass of Prosecco and I even managed to eat an entire plate of Fettucine Alfredo, which made my mother smile even more.

Jenn came back with me to my apartment – it was 3.30 by that point – so we could get ready for my surprise, wherever it was. We hadn’t done a real girly getting ready thing like that in a long time and it was so much fun. We drank champagne (Jen was coming by later to pick us up so I wasn’t worried about driving) and Jenn curled my hair. I wore this green Anthropologie top with Grecian-style draping in the front, and slim black pants with my favorite kitten heel mules. Jen had on a sleeveless fuchsia wrap dress and gladiator sandals. I think we looked pretty great! I love the green top because it makes my eyes look more green, and is very flattering to my chest. Jen came by at 7, but before I could get in the car she put a blindfold on me and said I couldn’t take it off until we got to our destination. Take it from me – getting stuck on the 110 with a blindfold on is no fun, and Jen said I could keep it off until we hit the 10, since I knew we were going to the Westside anyway. I did as I was told.

After what seemed like forever, we got to the destination. Jen and Jenn took my arms and led me inside somewhere loud. I had no idea where I was! I heard Jen say, “Okay, 1…2…3…” and she ripped off my blindfold. I was in a very dark bar that looked familiar, but more importantly about 12 of my friends were there screaming “HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELISSA!!!” I was laughing and crying at the same time, and the Jen(n)s grabbed me in a big hug and kissed my cheeks. I then realized where I was – I was at the Backstage Bar in Culver City! I hadn’t been here in AGES and I had really, really missed it. If the Blue Room is how Burbank does dive bar, this is how it’s done in Culver City and they do it RIGHT. Cheap drinks, the best mac and cheese and garlic fries ever, and yes, karaoke!

The staff were great and really took care of us, bringing us food when we needed it (and since Jason and Chris were there, it seemed like we always needed more of it) and a constant supply of drinks and jello shots.  All the girls wanted to know if I got “the dress” and when I said I had found it, we looked it up on someone’s iphone so they could all see. Maddy said she still couldn’t believe it, that I was getting married to Julian, and how much my life was going to change, and how much she envied me getting to quit work. I am lucky, I know, and I think a lot of girls would like to trade places with me, but it really is going to be hard work being “just a wife”.

And then something happened. Sean walked in.

Why was I surprised – that he was here, that he was late? I hadn’t banned Sean from this party, hadn’t told Jen I couldn’t see him. Sean just smiled his great big grin and walked straight over to where I was sitting, sat down next to me and hugged me very close. Too close, given what Julian and I had discussed. “Happy Birthday, Little Em,” he said in my ear. I didn’t like how that felt, it felt too intimate, now that Julian had told me that he felt Sean was still after me. I kind of froze in his hug, and he could tell something was up. I said nothing, and he said he didn’t believe me. Just then Maddy came over and sat in Sean’s lap so I got a break.
It kind of gets a bit hazy after then. I remember more jello shots and some gin and tonics in honor of Julian (Sean even led the toast) and singing “Like a Virgin” and “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera. I remember being outside the bar with Jenn, smoking a cigarette, and Sean coming out to talk to me, and then me telling him why won’t you just leave me alone I’m getting married and I love you but I’m not in love with you and Julian thinks you’re trying to get in my pants and what the hell am I supposed to do with you? I remember Caitlin holding my hair back in the restroom so I could be sick. I remember crying a lot and laughing a lot too, but I don’t know what order that was in. I remember looking for my bag and getting in a car and talking to whoever was driving and lying down on a sofa.

My phone rang at 9am – it was right next to my head so I grabbed it and answered. It was Julian, calling to wish me a happy day-after-birthday. “How is Melissa this morning?” I groaned. “That good?” he said. And then I opened my eyes. I wasn’t home, or at Caitlin’s, where I was supposed to be staying, but I knew where I was. I was on Sean’s couch, under Sean’s blanket. I was thankfully still completely clothed. I didn’t answer Julian, and he sensed something was up.

J: Melissa, what’s the matter?
M: Julian…
J: What’s wrong? I can tell something is not right.
M: I don’t know what happened Julian, I guess I got really drunk… I can hardly remember what happened after a point. We were all having such a good time at the Backstage Bar –
J: Oh GOD, you went to that dump?
M: It was fun, and everyone was there –
J: By that I take it you mean Sean too.
M: Yes, sweetie. But I didn’t invite him. And nothing happened! I even told him to leave me alone, I think.
J: Well, I forgive you. It wasn’t your fault; you weren’t to know Jen would do something so monumentally boneheaded as to invite that lummox.
M: But J, I do need to tell you something. You want me to be honest with you about me, right?
J: I do not like the sound of this Melissa.
M: I guess I got really drunk last night, so I had to stay at someone’s place. Oh Julian, I don’t know how this happened.
J: Please, Melissa. Please don’t say this to me.
M: I’m wearing all my clothes! Nothing happened!
J: I have no way of knowing what you are saying is true, no way more than you do. By your own admission, you were so drunk that you don’t even remember what happened. How can you know he didn’t touch you or kiss you? You are my FIANCE, Melissa. You are about to be my WIFE. You cannot do this anymore.
M: I didn’t mean to!
J: Whether you meant to or not is immaterial, Melissa. You are not in college anymore, dating and sleeping around –
M: I never slept around!
J: You slept with [name deleted] didn’t you! After we had started seeing each other!
M: That was a mistake!
J: Yes, just like this was a “mistake.” Melissa, if you want any chance of saving your relationship with me – and god knows why I want to save mine with you after all you have put me through, and how I will seem on your stupid blog after you post this “mistake” – you will take your bag and walk out of that apartment right now. While you are on the phone with me. Do you understand?
M: Yes, honey.
J: Do you have your bag?
M: Yes honey.
J: Are you leaving?
M: Should I leave a note?
J: Of course you shouldn’t leave a note!
M: Okay.
J: I am putting you on hold and calling you a car. Where are you? [I told him.]
I waited on hold for a while, and Julian came back on.
J: A car will be with you in 15 minutes. Are you safe where you are?
M: It’s Culver City, not South Central!
J: I mean from him.
M: Oh yes, I walked around the corner.
J: Fine. Are you paying attention to me, Melissa? Listen. I am putting down the phone now and you will not hear from me until I can decide whether you are worth the pain you are putting me through. Did I not threaten to cut off my best friend for you? What have you done for me? You continue to break promises you make to me, again and again. I have to decide whether I can trust you again. What is a marriage without trust, Melissa?
M: I don’t know.
J: It isn’t a marriage. You wait there for the car. Send me a text when you get in the car and when you get home. I don’t know when I will speak to you next but take care, my darling. I love you.

I am home now, and I seem to have cried for three hours. I have nearly thrown it all away because I can’t say no to people, can’t be clear about what I want and how I want it. Please, please, don’t let this be the end. I’m sorry this post is so long, but there was so much to say.