Some new ideas, some old ones too,

What a miserable day it was here today. I had to be at work by 7am to be on a conference call with London, which meant I had to be in the office at 6:30, which meant I needed to leave the house at 5:45, which meant my alarm was set for 4:30. And because I couldn't get to sleep last night until almost 3am, it meant that I am operating on a little over an hour and a half of sleep. It was such an early start that I actually woke Tibbs up for a change, and not the other way around.

It did mean though that I could call Julian earlier in the day and we talked while I was on my way to work. He's often not so crazy about me talking while driving, but I do use a Bluetooth headset now so I'm at least not going to get a ticket! My friend Alicia got ticketed the other month for talking without a headset, but then she was pretty stupid about it -- she has a convertible and the top was down, and she pulled up next to a police car right outside the Wiltern! Whenever I think I'm an idiot about something, I remember Alicia's ticket. Anyway, we had a chance to catch up after having a kind of a weird day yesterday. I'm sure some of the people reading this will know what I'm talking about, but Julian got in several disagreements with people on Visa Journey, and he ended up pissing a lot of people off, including some of the people who have been on there a very long time.

So I talked to him for a while this morning about what he felt about it all, and whether he would go back on VJ anytime soon. He said that on one level he was happy to leave me to all the immigration process, as long as I made sure to double-check on the advice I was getting and run any forms by him. On another level, he felt duty-bound to go back and defend me against people who had attacked him and by extension me as well. I don't know whether it is a good thing for him to go back so soon, when he's been labeled a cheater, a drug addict, stuck up, arrogant, etc. And I don't know how good it makes me look when he's in there and arguing with people.

One of the hardest things has been hearing people say things about Julian that just aren't true! The post I took down... let's just say that Julian explained it very clearly to me and in a way that makes me feel sure that it was a stupid joke that he and Alex and their friends got up to when they were drunk. I know in my heart Julian would NEVER cheat on me. He has made it clear time and time again that the only woman he wants in his heart and his life is me, and he would never do anything to let me go again. Whatever Alex chooses to do is his own choice; Julian's choice is to keep me, and keep me close this time.

I spoke to Alex -- it was the first time since I had left England at the very beginning of 2009. I can't say that I had missed the sound of his voice. It is so strange how someone that once meant so much to you can slip into the role of your own personal villain. Because a villain is what Alex seems like to me, and has seemed like to me ever since the day he told me he didn't love me and denied he had ever loved me. What makes a person change like that? I have spent a lot of time, too much time probably, trying to figure out why Alex turned his back on me like that. I mean, I'm totally glad he did, because if he hadn't I would never have gone back to Julian and we wouldn't be getting married. I think I could have understood it more if he had been indifferent to me, but he has spent so much time and energy trying to keep me away from Julian, like there's some gigantic reason I shouldn't be with J. Julian explains it away over and over that it's just Alex worried about his best mate moving 6000 miles away. I don't really know if this is true, but it's what I have to go with.

So I spoke to Alex, yes. It was such a weird feeling to speak to him after all this time, and with so much bad between us. I could tell he wasn't thrilled to speak with me, and that he was only doing this because Julian had asked him to as a special favor. He didn't spend a lot of time catching up with me, although I tried to, and asked how his work was ("hard"), how his dog was doing ("fine") and how Julian seemed to him ("bloody tired of all of this ridiculous photo business, Melissa, so let's do this, shall we?"). He told me the story as he saw it, and without going into details, it not only backed up what J had said but it made me feel better because having someone else say it to me seems to make it more real. What happened was stupid, but it was a drunken mistake among friends. And no worse, Alex said, than me waking up in my ex-boyfriend's bed (couch, I reminded him, it was his couch), and probably not even as bad as that as the photos at least showed that nothing bad had happened, unlike me, who couldn't remember what had happened with Sean. It was totally unfair of him, and I told him so.

I asked him why he would do something so hurtful to me, to send me a picture that seemed to show my fiance doing something that would hurt my feelings. "Melissa, I think you know I don't like you. I don't think I have ever really liked you. I think Julian is making the biggest mistake of his life in marrying you and leaving this country. Is it that hard for you to understand why I did what I did?" That hurt so much, I started to cry a little, but silently as possible. I asked him if he had lied when he had told me he had loved me. He said, "I told you I loved you because I thought it would keep you with me a little longer. Whatever I may think of you as a partner for my best friend, and as a person, you are still the best fuck I've ever had. I have to go now. Good luck."

I feel empty and tired. I think I'll have a glass of wine and go to bed. I wanted to post about my new idea for this blog that I am SO excited about, but I'm too exhausted to mention it now. Okay, maybe just a little. I'm thinking about doing a video blog, a vblog I think it's called, so I can vent a little in my own actual voice, and not just these words here on the screen. It's just an idea right now, but I might do one soon as a test. Excited! But tired.